[PERMANENTLY CLOSED] I am an 18 yr old Christian and this much older man really likes me -?

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

I did not grow up in any church... my family is entirely atheist...

Uh I stand corrected. The first post says a newly converted Christian. You seem to like the church your in for whatever reason so hopefully it has a faithful teaching of God's word. Welcome to CF and I hope also you enjoy the other forums too.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Uh I stand corrected. The first post says a newly converted Christian. You seem to like the church your in for whatever reason so hopefully it has a faithful teaching of God's word. Welcome to CF and I hope also you enjoy the other forums too.

The definition is to "change one's religious faith or other belief." So you don't stand correct.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

The definition is to "change one's religious faith or other belief." So you don't stand correct.

? ? definition of what ... could you please be more specific...

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

? ? definition of what ... could you please be more specific...

Of what 'convert' means. I have converted to Christianity recently.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Of what 'convert' means. I have converted to Christianity recently.

right and therefore not a long standing member of any church as I thought you had said. What confused me I guess was your dedication to the priest.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

right and therefore not a long standing member of any church as I thought you had said. What confused me I guess was your dedication to the priest.

I have known them ever since October of last year, but did not truly start practicing until the beginning of this year. But I really trust them. They have already done me great favors.

 

[beaverpond]

I am glad that somebody is finally going to step forward and help you. This should have never happened in the first place. In our church we have a safety policy that deals with sexual complaints, it covers what happens in the church, in school, and in the home. If somebody comes to a member of the church, it has to be acted upon and if the complaint is serious enough it has to be reported to law enforcement authorities by state law.

If this guy does not stop or it gets worse, then get one of the ladies of the church involved that you trust and also get one of the elders as well with the pastor / minister / priest so this can be dealt with appropriately. Every church should have a safety policy of some sort in place to protect its members, whether they work with kids or not.

 

[Mikaeri]

I totally agree with all said..this is crossing boundaries of Christian Love, your description of what this man is doing is creepy and you should avoid and speak to your Pastor..being a Christian Woman does not mean you should have to put up with this behaviour..

 

[beaverpond]

AngelhairFlowingthere, I have been thinking about this and what I said earlier. I am not sure if your church has safety policy or not, but in our church you would fall under it by your age. In our youth programs, most kids are still involved at your age in some type of youth program and it does not matter if it is church, sunday school, or some type of youth program. You are young enough to be covered by it. A lot of kids, no insult intended, your age are still in high school and fall under this policy.

I have had to help out kids with trouble in the home and trouble at school...fortunately no trouble on church grounds. I had to get law enforcement involved once and the school involved once. While it is not always a pleasant experience, sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and others because you don't know who else this person may have tried this on and this may send a clear message and put the church on notice that something is going on that is not right. It will also send a clear message in a subtle way that these things will not be tolerated anymore by anybody.

It can be worked into a Sunday morning sermon. If this is going on with several of the men like I thought I read. Maybe suggest to the Pastor about a message on what God expects of Men and women in a relationship, whether they be married or courting somebody. What is permitted and what is not. What is age appropriate and what is not. What is allowed before marriage and what is not. This way both men and women know what is allowed according to God.

 

[Lazy_Proverb]

I talked to the priest and he said that he was very sorry that he did not see anything, that I was being touched inappropriately and that no one reported it to him. I told him I was scared, and he said that he will definitely talk to this man so it can stop straight away.
I love my priests, I know it will all work out now

That is very good news indeed. Please update us as to how things go for you in future when you see this man again. And after the priest has spoken with him.

 

[lovetogarden]

Hey guys,
I am a newly converted Christian
So at my church, people had interest in getting to know me and my spiritual journey.
There have been many men (some married) who have demonstrated infatuation or lust towards me, or at least have had a crush on me.
There is this one man in his 50s however who is very 'affectionate' towards me. It makes me feel very impure. But because he is childless, wifeless and lonely I feel bad for denying him a smile and a hug. I would like your guys opinion on what I should do as a growing and learning Christian.

This is what he does:
- He kisses me really hard on the cheek, then stares into my eyes and cups my face with this dreamy look on his face.
- He hugs me tight and for a long time.
- He goes weak when I touch him or kiss him on the cheek softly.
- He strokes my hand.
- He is always staring at me during the service.
-When I am away for long periods of time he says that he misses me - one time when he had not seen me for ages, I waved at him and he looked at me for a longggg time with this soft, dreamy look on his face and a smile (even when I was not looking at him).
-He also plays with my hair, tucks it behind my ear, lends me his jacket and ...
KISSES THE BACK OF MY NECK if he gets the chance. When that happened I was like ... woah.

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my shy, gentle nature it seems that men can become very inappropriate or pursuing of me at church and sometimes it makes me feel impure.

Please give me some advice, it is very much appreciated Church is tomorrow and I am sick of trying to avoid him at church.

Sadly, there is evil in this world that sometimes even shows up in church. I don't know what is in this man's heart. It might be that he is from a culture where older men marry very young girls and this is normal. More than likely though, he is a predator. Many predators go to places where there is access to the innocent and naive; be that dating women with children so they can have access to their children; or as in the case of the Catholic Church, men joining the priesthood so they can have access to children. I would keep as far away from this man as possible. Stop hugging him or allowing him to hug and kiss you. If he comes towards you to do so extend your arms with your palms facing toward him in a pushing away motion. Grab his lower arms and push them downward and away from you as you are saying hello to him. You don't have to do that in anger. Just be calm and firm. Your body language should do all the talking. Don't let him intimidate you which is obviously what he is doing because you are clearly uncomfortable with it.

 

[beaverpond]

You bring up an interesting point about men studying to become priests and how some are interested in young children. I know of one that was gay, interested in young boys. He was attending seminary, was there for six months and was shipped right out the door because they found out his true colors very quickly. His parents refused to believe that he was gay. Refused to believe he was interested in young boys. They could not understand how they could go all those years of having him live under their roof and not notice it. Everybody in the neighborhood knew it, parents, kids, men, women, boys, and girls. Nobody wanted to hang around this guy and it had nothing to do with him wanting to be a priest.

 

[Paul of Eugene OR]

Hey guys,
I am a newly converted Christian
So at my church, people had interest in getting to know me and my spiritual journey.
There have been many men (some married) who have demonstrated infatuation or lust towards me, or at least have had a crush on me.
There is this one man in his 50s however who is very 'affectionate' towards me. It makes me feel very impure. But because he is childless, wifeless and lonely I feel bad for denying him a smile and a hug. I would like your guys opinion on what I should do as a growing and learning Christian.

This is what he does:
- He kisses me really hard on the cheek, then stares into my eyes and cups my face with this dreamy look on his face.
- He hugs me tight and for a long time.
- He goes weak when I touch him or kiss him on the cheek softly.
- He strokes my hand.
- He is always staring at me during the service.
-When I am away for long periods of time he says that he misses me - one time when he had not seen me for ages, I waved at him and he looked at me for a longggg time with this soft, dreamy look on his face and a smile (even when I was not looking at him).
-He also plays with my hair, tucks it behind my ear, lends me his jacket and ...
KISSES THE BACK OF MY NECK if he gets the chance. When that happened I was like ... woah.

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my shy, gentle nature it seems that men can become very inappropriate or pursuing of me at church and sometimes it makes me feel impure.

Please give me some advice, it is very much appreciated Church is tomorrow and I am sick of trying to avoid him at church.

I had an analogous problem in that my daughters, after they "blossomed", were inappropriately hugged, etc. by my own father! So I had a man to man talk with him and it stopped.

You need to find the right person in your church to have that man to man talk with this fellow. Pastor is first choice.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Sadly, there is evil in this world that sometimes even shows up in church. I don't know what is in this man's heart. It might be that he is from a culture where older men marry very young girls and this is normal. More than likely though, he is a predator. Many predators go to places where there is access to the innocent and naive; be that dating women with children so they can have access to their children; or as in the case of the Catholic Church, men joining the priesthood so they can have access to children. I would keep as far away from this man as possible. Stop hugging him or allowing him to hug and kiss you. If he comes towards you to do so extend your arms with your palms facing toward him in a pushing away motion. Grab his lower arms and push them downward and away from you as you are saying hello to him. You don't have to do that in anger. Just be calm and firm. Your body language should do all the talking. Don't let him intimidate you which is obviously what he is doing because you are clearly uncomfortable with it.

I am often told I am an attractive, cute young lady who attracts a fair amount of admirers ; so initially I just believed that he thought I was pretty and pleasant, and that there was nothing else to it. I did not expect him to act on it, because I had never been in a church community before so I did not think that such behaviour would openly occur.
I talked to my older sister who is a psychologist - she said that men prey on young girls to make themselves feel better, more dominant and powerful in a world where they feel weak.
Therefore, he could think I was completely average and mediocre in my looks/personality but enjoy the power he has over me - which is the motive in his heart.
I won't allow him to hug me or do anything of the sort, and I will wait to see what happens after the priest has a word with him. Thanks for your reply

 

[Catherineanne]

I talked to the priest and he said that he was very sorry that he did not see anything, that I was being touched inappropriately and that no one reported it to him. I told him I was scared, and he said that he will definitely talk to this man so it can stop straight away.
I love my priests, I know it will all work out now

Well done that priest, and well done you.

You can still be friendly, but from a slightly greater distance than before. Half a church sounds good.

 

[Catherineanne]

It is very important to be able to set those boundaries to begin with. She had felt impure thru-out the contact yet was unwilling to examine why and or do something about protecting herself from the impurity

No, this is a variant of victim blaming, and simply won't do.

When older men groom girls and young women they don't start by committing indecent acts. They start with a smile one week, a smile and a hello the next week, a smile, a hello and a touch on the arm the next.

For weeks and weeks the behaviour is so close to normal that the only person who feels that something is wrong is the target, but when she tries to work out why she can't find any single action that is inappropriate. It is the pattern of repeated targettings, building slowly into something else that is the problem. And along the way no single thing that is quite out of order, but a whole pattern that certainly is, so that the response to any challenge can be that the young woman is imagining it, or oversensitive or, worst of all, she started it/wanted it/encouraged it. If any of those responses arise then you can guarantee you have a man grooming a woman for abuse. In contrast a genuinely innocent but perhaps over-touchy man will be mortified when challenged; he will apologise through the priest and then not go near the young person again. If he comes near the young person again, even to apologise, this is out of order.

This grooming only works with young people who are not experienced enough to realise what is happening, or what their own reaction ought to be. How can they possibly know how to deal with a creep until they meet one? Schools won't teach this stuff; it has to be experienced for ourselves.

Older people who are responsible and careful about what they do will not single out people in this way. No favourites, no over-long hugs and kisses. It is perfectly possible to be affectionate while remaining 2 paces away from a child, and ensuring that their parents are happy with the exchange. And the responsibility for doing this is not with the child or young person. The responsibility is with the older person; always. 100%.

We have babies and young children in our church all the time; beautiful children. As a normal slightly older woman I would love to pick them up and hold them. But as a normal slightly older woman I don't; I admire them from a few paces distance and I tell their parents how lovely their children are. I never touch any child unless I either know them personally or want to protect them from danger, and I never go out of view of other people with any child; this is simple common sense.

And another reason I behave this way is to demonstrate to both the parents and children that I respect their interpersonal space. It is very important for children in particular to learn this, because every single abusive act begins with a boundary violation; every single one. If I demonstrate respect, perhaps that will help them to recognise disrespect from someone else if it happens.

 

[Dave-W]

I talked to the priest and he said that he was very sorry that he did not see anything, that I was being touched inappropriately and that no one reported it to him. I told him I was scared, and he said that he will definitely talk to this man so it can stop straight away.
I love my priests, I know it will all work out now

Good deal! I am sure the priests can take care of the situation.

 

[beaverpond]

Because out youth program has grown and the kids want an adult to talk to about private situations going on in the home or at school, we have needed to add a conference room to the church. This is not ordinary conference room, it has a table where the child sits on one side of the table and the leader, pastor, or youth director sits on the other side of the table. This way there is some distance between them. To add some clarity to things we have a bay window so people can see what is going on in this room at all times. Usually we try to get the child to agree to having two adults in the room, but that is not always the case which is why the bay window comes in handy and no, there are no curtains on this window nor is it tinted, it is as wide open as wide open can be, no obstructions to block its view. I have forgotten its dimensions but it is about 6ft x 4ft and sits about 3ft off the floor.

 

[Hospes]

Hi AngelhairFlowingthere.

It sounds like you have done well in dealing with your situation. I have one more bit of advice, but you may not even need it. If you don't need it, I trust you will know it is given with the best of intentions and not be offended.

You mention people have told you are attractive and your situation seems to confirm this. Given this, please recognize God expects you to honor him with the beauty he has given you. One way I have noticed that attractive young women, in complete innocence, may hurt the purposes of God, is dressing in a way that proves a distraction to men in church. Mind you, in most cases it is the men with the sin issue, not the young women. Nonetheless, as a member of the Body of Christ - the Church - we are to take into account the weaknesses of others. So please dress overly-modest for the sake of your weaker brothers. (BTW, age never necessarily means they are strong or Godly.)

Grace to you.

 

[Messy]

Hi AngelhairFlowingthere.

It sounds like you have done well in dealing with your situation. I have one more bit of advice, but you may not even need it. If you don't need it, I trust you will know it is given with the best of intentions and not be offended.

You mention people have told you are attractive and your situation seems to confirm this. Given this, please recognize God expects you to honor him with the beauty he has given you. One way I have noticed that attractive young women, in complete innocence, may hurt the purposes of God, is dressing in a way that proves a distraction to men in church. Mind you, in most cases it is the men with the sin issue, not the young women. Nonetheless, as a member of the Body of Christ - the Church - we are to take into account the weaknesses of others. So please dress overly-modest for the sake of your weaker brothers. (BTW, age never necessarily means they are strong or Godly.)

Grace to you.

As long as it's female clothes and she just looks good it doesn't keep creeps away.
If you have this problem in the future with creeps that really bother you and there's noone to help you, outside or something when you have to travel or in school, just dress up as a guy and use no make up at all, ugly knot in your hair, maybe a baseball cap and they'll leave you alone. Don't always walk around like that lol, only if necessary like with bugs that won't go away you use that smelly stuff. Success guaranteed.
Lol one creep didn't even recognize me since he didn't even look at something so ugly hahahahahahaha. And don't forget to look unsympathetic and growl at them.