[PERMANENTLY CLOSED] I am an 18 yr old Christian and this much older man really likes me -?

[Theatreguy18]

Not necessary. The dirty old creep needs to repent.

There are a few (VERY few) people who truly have the charismatic gift of celibacy. It is probably as rare as true gifts of healings or miracles. ONLY people with that gifting should be nuns or monks.

Ur right but I'm called to be a priest u was just being sarcastic

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Yes exactly, it's the same as I thought. Most girls would just say: back off you dirty old man! I was like that too when I was young. Turned out I was abused as a child and not healed from it, so I kept attracting those people. I stepped in a car with an old man at the bus station because I thought: oh what will he think if I say no? Girls have to be protected from naive thoughts.
Once met a rapist in a wood in the middle of the night. The compassion was from the Lord, but letting them hug you is not compassion. I said: God is here and He can heal you from that lol and told him about Jesus. He didn't dare do anything anymore. After that I thought: this is not my ministry. Let a guy do that.

Not that it makes any difference, but I felt very sorry for this man being lonely. When I see *lonely* people, I always feel inclined to be their friend, listen to them, give them gifts of friendship, treat them with gentleness and make them feel loved. But I always get made a fool of. They either have made me feel sorry for them when they were not truthfully feeling down so they could take advantage of me, and then decide to leave... or they do what this guy does. This applies to both men and women.
I also do not intend to lead people on. But apparently I do.

 

[Messy]

Not that it makes any difference, but I felt very sorry for this man being lonely. When I see *lonely* people, I always feel inclined to be their friend, listen to them, give them gifts of friendship, treat them with gentleness and make them feel loved. But I always get made a fool of. They either have made me feel sorry for them when they were not truthfully feeling down so they could take advantage of me, and then decide to leave... or they do what this guy does. This applies to both men and women.
I also do not intend to lead people on. But apparently I do.

Yes I know what you mean. I had that when I was younger, but only with men. They think you like them when you're being nice.
It's not unkind to tell someone to just go away or just stay away from those people and ignore them. You can always pray for them. You just can't be a friend to a lonely man. Let him find a guy to talk to.

 

[WirSindBettler]

This is what he does:
- He kisses me really hard on the cheek, then stares into my eyes and cups my face with this dreamy look on his face.

Totally inappropriate. 150% wrong.

- He goes weak when I touch him or kiss him on the cheek softly.

You shouldn't be kissing him. Also not OK.

KISSES THE BACK OF MY NECK if he gets the chance. When that happened I was like ... woah.

500% inappropriate. Not OK at all. At all at all.

You need to just do this:

 

[Lazy_Proverb]

Saying she may have boundary problems is in no way blame. It's inquiring into what may have caused the predator to look at her as game.

This is what you said:
It is very important to be able to set those boundaries to begin with. She had felt impure thru-out the contact yet was unwilling to examine why and or do something about protecting herself from the impurity.

She's 18 years of age. He is over 50. If anyone should be experienced enough to know how to set boundaries it is the 50+ year old man in her story.
Someone who avails himself of the opportunity to trespass on a young new Christian woman inside a church. A place where a scene is untoward. A place where Christian love and good tidings are common place. Where a touch on an arm and a smile is meant to be only that. But not to go further as he has done according to her report.
And while that trespass on his part as an older more seasoned man who should know better continues, she in the midst of that church setting amid other Christians like herself, is put in a predicament based on the surveillance afforded her by her Christian peers.
And this 50-something year old predator knows this! And that is why he pushes the boundaries. Because he knows that a new 18 year old Christian woman will feel afraid, intimidated, insecure, in making a scene should she speak against his assault.
Being he is senior there, has attended longer, people know him and he has that to his credit in terms of attendance and familiarity that outweighs she who is newly arrived.

So backing away and saying something that would paint him as a dirty old man were she to discipline his violations would in turn cause those who know him to look askance at her.
He knows this too.

He does not have to be here to defend himself. That she is here asking us advice for how to defend against him puts the onus on him. A 53-54 year old man or older even, who physically violates the personal space of a teenager is a predator.
His victim is not the one who is in the wrong.

Were she my daughter there would be no mistake his advances were wrong and would stop.
That she is daughter of the King of Heaven should afford her the respect any victim of physical assault deserves. Not dissection of her emotional sense of boundaries wherein she's told she should assess why it is she's being physically assaulted by a Quinquagenarian.

 

[Messy]

Just find a good church where this nonsense isn't tolerated. It was in a church, everyone saw it and no leader or member did anything. At least someone could have warned the pastor.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

I do feel like you are trying to turn this around on me.
I did not think that others would buy into what had happened or really help me... instead I thought they would ignore me because they did not want me to cause trouble. The priests were busy, busy, busy ... I thought, 'what is my problem compared to others? Husbands are dying, couples are getting married and having children. Maybe I am being dramatic'. Although I knew it was wrong, I felt like there was little I could do. I was too scared and intimidated by a much older man doing these things to me to say anything. Because it was happening in front of others and they still weren't saying anything, I thought maybe I was in the wrong. But I know I am not. I just needed more confidence instead of being 'gentle' all the time.
I am not unwilling to examine this, it was the first time it had happened to such an extent and I was intimidated.

I can completely relate to feeling intimidated and not having the confidence at such a young age. Getting opinions on this forum was a great step forward. The women in the church are biblically responsible for teaching the younger women and it didn't seem to be available for you in your church. Going forward from here is seeing what God has taught you from this experience and being aware when God offers you the opportunity to use that experience.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Just find a good church where this nonsense isn't tolerated. It was in a church, everyone saw it and no leader or member did anything. At least someone could have warned the pastor.

I talked to the priest and he said that he was very sorry that he did not see anything, that I was being touched inappropriately and that no one reported it to him. I told him I was scared, and he said that he will definitely talk to this man so it can stop straight away.
I love my priests, I know it will all work out now

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Totally inappropriate. 150% wrong.



You shouldn't be kissing him. Also not OK.



500% inappropriate. Not OK at all. At all at all.

You need to just do this:

It's a Russian orthodox church, so kissing on the cheek is very common. Not meant in an inappropriate way on my behalf.

 

[Messy]

I talked to the priest and he said that he was very sorry that he did not see anything, that I was being touched inappropriately and that no one reported it to him. I told him I was scared, and he said that he will definitely talk to this man so it can stop straight away.
I love my priests, I know it will all work out now

Great to hear!

 

[RDKirk]

That is not affection. I am in my 50s and very affectionate, but I don't go around hugging young men, or kissing them on the neck. God forbid!

Talk to the pastor or minister, and then they can talk to this man. Perhaps it is innocent; perhaps you remind him of his baby sister, or a long lost friend, but even in that case he ought not to touch you or kiss you in this way. He goes to church to meet God, not to stare at young ladies and make them uncomfortable.

This unwanted touching and staring crosses your interpersonal boudaries, which makes it on the wrong side of good.

If the pastor doesn't do anything, either confront this person yourself or else find another church. Sorry that you are the one to have to leave; you have done nothing wrong, but that is unfortunately the way it often works.

This. Do this.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

A<snip>
So backing away and saying something that would paint him as a dirty old man were she to discipline his violations would in turn cause those who know him to look askance at her.
He knows this too.

He does not have to be here to defend himself. That she is here asking us advice for how to defend against him puts the onus on him. A 53-54 year old man or older even, who physically violates the personal space of a teenager is a predator.
His victim is not the one who is in the wrong.

Were she my daughter there would be no mistake his advances were wrong and would stop.
That she is daughter of the King of Heaven should afford her the respect any victim of physical assault deserves. Not dissection of her emotional sense of boundaries wherein she's told she should assess why it is she's being physically assaulted by a Quinquagenarian.

I think you may have problems identifying your own bounderies, something that may have something to do with your childhood perhaps, but a shy gentile nature doesn't allow itself to be used as dirt. Whenever he approaches you just don't react, leave him holding his own dirtball, and just walk away. His feelings are not worth taking into consideration but if you do then realize that he is probably angry at having what he considers his rights over you violated. As much distance as possible is the best tactic while you learn to not allow predators your space.

You really need to get your facts straight. And I think she said she grew up in that church iirc or that denomination

 

[RDKirk]

It's a Russian orthodox church, so kissing on the cheek is very common. Not meant in an inappropriate way on my behalf.

I suspect that adult men don't normally caress single young women in the manner the OP describes in Russian Orthodox churches.

 

[Lazy_Proverb]

You really need to get your facts straight. And I think she said she grew up in that church iirc or that denomination

I have my facts straight. What I copied and pasted and addressed is what you said, for a fact. And what I addressed my remarks to and for a second time.
What you've said since is not anything I've addressed. Nor does that mitigate what you said when you put the onus on this young woman to defend against a 50 something predator.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

I have my facts straight. What I copied and pasted and addressed is what you said, for a fact. And what I addressed my remarks to and for a second time.
What you've said since is not anything I've addressed. Nor does that mitigate what you said when you put the onus on this young woman to defend against a 50 something predator.

Exactly what is it you are accusing me of then? Especially since many other women on this thread are in agreement but you for some reason are not?

 

[Lazy_Proverb]

I think you've had a disconnect here. We'll leave this alone as you don't appear to know what is being discussed as to your remarks to this young woman. Nor are you apparently aware that not everyone is in agreement with them.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

I think you've had a disconnect here. We'll leave this alone as you don't appear to know what is being discussed as to your remarks to this young woman. Nor are you apparently aware that not everyone is in agreement with them.

How convenient

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

I just think that he misinterpreted my acts of kindness as something they were not... it has happened before... otherwise why are these men at church doing these things? I am quiet and shy, it's not like I throw myself at anyone.
So I think I know why it happened and to be more assertive next time.
Thanks guys!

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Great to hear!

I know, right ?

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

You really need to get your facts straight. And I think she said she grew up in that church iirc or that denomination

I did not grow up in any church... my family is entirely atheist...