[PERMANENTLY CLOSED] I am an 18 yr old Christian and this much older man really likes me -?

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Hey guys,
I am a newly converted Christian
So at my church, people had interest in getting to know me and my spiritual journey.
There have been many men (some married) who have demonstrated infatuation or lust towards me, or at least have had a crush on me.
There is this one man in his 50s however who is very 'affectionate' towards me. It makes me feel very impure. But because he is childless, wifeless and lonely I feel bad for denying him a smile and a hug. I would like your guys opinion on what I should do as a growing and learning Christian.

This is what he does:
- He kisses me really hard on the cheek, then stares into my eyes and cups my face with this dreamy look on his face.
- He hugs me tight and for a long time.
- He goes weak when I touch him or kiss him on the cheek softly.
- He strokes my hand.
- He is always staring at me during the service.
-When I am away for long periods of time he says that he misses me - one time when he had not seen me for ages, I waved at him and he looked at me for a longggg time with this soft, dreamy look on his face and a smile (even when I was not looking at him).
-He also plays with my hair, tucks it behind my ear, lends me his jacket and ...
KISSES THE BACK OF MY NECK if he gets the chance. When that happened I was like ... woah.

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my shy, gentle nature it seems that men can become very inappropriate or pursuing of me at church and sometimes it makes me feel impure.

Please give me some advice, it is very much appreciated Church is tomorrow and I am sick of trying to avoid him at church.

 

[Hank77]

This old man is a pervert. Stay as far away from him as you can. Don't feel sorry for him, don't hug him, don't let him touch you. If he bothers you again, speak to your pastor about it.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

This old man is a pervert. Stay as far away from him as you can. Don't feel sorry for him, don't hug him, don't let him touch you. If he bothers you again, speak to your pastor about it.

When he tries to touch me it is in front of other people. Should I say "NO (name) NO" or gently take him to the side? He might not get the message if I am gentle...

 

[Hank77]

When he tries to touch me it is in front of other people. Should I say "NO (name) NO" or gently take him to the side? He might not get the message if I am gentle...

Don't let him close to you. He walks up move away, place yourself between other ladies in the church. He knows what he is doing, no need from you to explain anything to him. If he doesn't take the hint, go immediately to your pastor and they can have a man to man. It's not for you to have to handle such nonsense, especially not in church.
Is your dad around where you live? Some dads are very good at getting rid of inappropriate men.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

Don't let him close to you. He walks up move away, place yourself between other ladies in the church. He knows what he is doing, no need from you to explain anything to him. If he doesn't take the hint, go immediately to your pastor and they can have a man to man. It's not for you to have to handle such nonsense, especially not in church.
Is your dad around where you live? Some dads are very good at getting rid of inappropriate men.

My family is not religious and I go to church by myself. I told my dad and he says he'll come along, but I want to deal with this within my own social circle without having to "run to my dad" if you know what I mean.

I really thought that he cared for me in the beginning, but I think that he is doing these things because he sees me as nothing more than a shy, submissive sex object. It has disappointed me that there are guys like him lurking around in my parish.

I will talk to my pastor - I trust in him- I know he will have a man to man.

 

[Hank77]

 

[Catherineanne]

Hey guys,
I am a newly converted Christian
So at my church, people had interest in getting to know me and my spiritual journey.
There have been many men (some married) who have demonstrated infatuation or lust towards me, or at least have had a crush on me.
There is this one man in his 50s however who is very 'affectionate' towards me. It makes me feel very impure. But because he is childless, wifeless and lonely I feel bad for denying him a smile and a hug. I would like your guys opinion on what I should do as a growing and learning Christian.

This is what he does:
- He kisses me really hard on the cheek, then stares into my eyes and cups my face with this dreamy look on his face.
- He hugs me tight and for a long time.
- He goes weak when I touch him or kiss him on the cheek softly.
- He strokes my hand.
- He is always staring at me during the service.
-When I am away for long periods of time he says that he misses me - one time when he had not seen me for ages, I waved at him and he looked at me for a longggg time with this soft, dreamy look on his face and a smile (even when I was not looking at him).
-He also plays with my hair, tucks it behind my ear, lends me his jacket and ...
KISSES THE BACK OF MY NECK if he gets the chance. When that happened I was like ... woah.

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my shy, gentle nature it seems that men can become very inappropriate or pursuing of me at church and sometimes it makes me feel impure.

Please give me some advice, it is very much appreciated Church is tomorrow and I am sick of trying to avoid him at church.

That is not affection. I am in my 50s and very affectionate, but I don't go around hugging young men, or kissing them on the neck. God forbid!

Talk to the pastor or minister, and then they can talk to this man. Perhaps it is innocent; perhaps you remind him of his baby sister, or a long lost friend, but even in that case he ought not to touch you or kiss you in this way. He goes to church to meet God, not to stare at young ladies and make them uncomfortable.

This unwanted touching and staring crosses your interpersonal boudaries, which makes it on the wrong side of good.

If the pastor doesn't do anything, either confront this person yourself or else find another church. Sorry that you are the one to have to leave; you have done nothing wrong, but that is unfortunately the way it often works.

 

[Catherineanne]

When he tries to touch me it is in front of other people. Should I say "NO (name) NO" or gently take him to the side? He might not get the message if I am gentle...

No need to be gentle. Say, 'Don't touch me!' in a firm voice. The other people around you will - I hope - help you; they may honestly not have noticed what he is doing.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

No need to be gentle. Say, 'Don't touch me!' in a firm voice. The other people around you will - I hope - help you; they may honestly not have noticed what he is doing.

I think they have noticed - I have just turned 18 and he was all over me beforehand. Thank you for the advice Catherine!

 

[BFine]

Hey guys,
I am a newly converted Christian
So at my church, people had interest in getting to know me and my spiritual journey.
There have been many men (some married) who have demonstrated infatuation or lust towards me, or at least have had a crush on me.
There is this one man in his 50s however who is very 'affectionate' towards me. It makes me feel very impure. But because he is childless, wifeless and lonely I feel bad for denying him a smile and a hug. I would like your guys opinion on what I should do as a growing and learning Christian.

This is what he does:
- He kisses me really hard on the cheek, then stares into my eyes and cups my face with this dreamy look on his face.
- He hugs me tight and for a long time.
- He goes weak when I touch him or kiss him on the cheek softly.
- He strokes my hand.
- He is always staring at me during the service.
-When I am away for long periods of time he says that he misses me - one time when he had not seen me for ages, I waved at him and he looked at me for a longggg time with this soft, dreamy look on his face and a smile (even when I was not looking at him).
-He also plays with my hair, tucks it behind my ear, lends me his jacket and ...
KISSES THE BACK OF MY NECK if he gets the chance. When that happened I was like ... woah.

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my shy, gentle nature it seems that men can become very inappropriate or pursuing of me at church and sometimes it makes me feel impure.

Please give me some advice, it is very much appreciated Church is tomorrow and I am sick of trying to avoid him at church.

*Red Flag---Sharks circling!!!
I wouldn't go to that church nor do I recommend that
you return to it...there's something very fishy going on at a church that
would allow men to be that "affectionate" to a teen girl who's a new christian!
Those men should of been rebuked/and or taken aside and soundly reprimanded
for their actions toward you.

 

[AngelhairFlowingthere]

*Red Flag---Sharks circling!!!
I wouldn't go to that church nor do I recommend that
you return to it...there's something very fishy going on at a church that
would allow men to be that "affectionate" to a teen girl who's a new christian!
Those men should of been rebuked/and or taken aside and soundly reprimanded
for their actions toward you.

Hey there, one of them was taken aside once I asked my priest to. But he was not physically affectionate, it was more the things he said and that he was very intense towards me. It is a small Eastern denomination which is based on an immigrant community, so I can't join another one. The large percentage of supportive, loving people at my church surely make up for the "weird" ones, that is for sure. And our priests are the best you could get The males there just have a liking for me, and sometimes they take it a little far... But I have to know how to act in a Christian way.

 

[paul1149]

He's grooming you. He's taking advantage of your gentle nature. If possible I would probably follow Mt 18 on this, and tell him privately that he makes you very uncomfortable and you want nothing to do with him. If he doesn't take that to heart call in the elders.

Bear well in mind though, that when Peter sinned openly at Antioch (retold in Galatians 2), Paul rebuked him openly, and doesn't seem to have wasted any time doing so or minced words. Sometimes there isn't time for process. The matter is serious enough and has to be dealt with at the level it's at. Paul confirms this at 1Tim 5.20: "As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear."

Talking to him could be as simple as, "I need you to not do that again". But I consider this situation serious enough to call for open rebuke if necessary.

But I have to know how to act in a Christian way.

The biblical way is the Christian way. If you study the book of Acts you will see many times Paul and Peter were forced to deal decisively with difficult situations. We naturally prefer relationships to go smoothly and respectfully, and everything to be nice, but that is not the way it always is, and we have to deal with it. Even Jesus did so at times, as in Mt 23. You'll feel better when this is behind you. You were made for freedom (Gal 5.1)

 

[Goodbook]

Dont go to sunday services. At least, not at this church.
Fellowship with a ladies bible group for at least a year, and build your faith.

 

[Catherineanne]

Hey there, one of them was taken aside once I asked my priest to. But he was not physically affectionate, it was more the things he said and that he was very intense towards me. It is a small Eastern denomination which is based on an immigrant community, so I can't join another one. The large percentage of supportive, loving people at my church surely make up for the "weird" ones, that is for sure. And our priests are the best you could get The males there just have a liking for me, and sometimes they take it a little far... But I have to know how to act in a Christian way.

Forget acting in a Christian way; that is the thinking that has made you hesitate to stand your ground up to this point.

Your body is your own property, and it has personal space around it. Nobody is entitled to enter your personal space without permission. When people become friends then of course they get to enter your personal space and exchange light touches or hugs. However, given that you are only just 18, older men need to be very careful indeed of doing this.

The Christian way to act is then the same as everyone else's way to act; say clearly 'Don't touch me!' if people invade your personal space. I have had to do this at church with several people who assume that they have the right to touch, hold or hug others whenever they want to. Nobody has this right.

The question to ask yourself is this; is this person hugging me for my sake, from compassion or care, or are they doing it for their own personal gratification; to get a thrill. From what you describe, this person is the latter.

 

[Catherineanne]

He's grooming you. He's taking advantage of your gentle nature. If possible I would probably follow Mt 18 on this, and tell him privately that he makes you very uncomfortable and you want nothing to do with him. If he doesn't take that to heart call in the elders.

I would not advise this young lady to have any private conversation with this man; it is not safe enough for her. There has to be at least one other person present at all times, imo.

 

[Albion]

I suspect that this man is not a routine predator but more likely someone with a mental deficiency of some sort. Nevertheless, you ought not put up with these kinds of actions from him and do need to go the point of changing churches if there is no other way to keep him from you--perhaps through speaking to the church's leadership.

One thing about your experience that seems odd to me is that some of what you describe would be seen as alarming or unacceptable to a normal bystander, so I'm wondering if he's not thought of as a 'little bit off' by the congregation, or something like that. This doesn't mean that you have to accept his attention, but it might explain his actions.

 

[sunshine456]

No...first talk to(in a church setting with other true believers around politely-not too humiliate)about his actions making you feel uncomfortable. If his response is belligerent or continues then speak with the pastor. I would first pray for discernment about both your pastor and his flock if these are the type of congregational attendees in the services/mass as from what you say; it is questionable how deep the roots go.

The devil is roaring around us like a lion; seeking whom it can devour. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

"Stand steadfast, remain faithful and fruitful."

Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[Sophrosyne]

You need to report his actions to your pastor or a church elder and have them talk to the man. If you cannot find one when you enter the church talk to a male usher about it and ask him to escort you to your seat and keep the man at bay for you. I agree with other here that the man either is a predator or has a mental condition of sorts and sometimes these individuals are people that you don't want to (yourself) get direct with as sometimes they can react very unpredictable and take it the wrong way very personally.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

..... It makes me feel very impure. ....
I really do not want to hurt his feelings. Because of my shy, gentle nature it seems that men can become very inappropriate or pursuing of me at church and sometimes it makes me feel impure.

Please give me some advice, it is very much appreciated Church is tomorrow and I am sick of trying to avoid him at church.

I think you may have problems identifying your own bounderies, something that may have something to do with your childhood perhaps, but a shy gentile nature doesn't allow itself to be used as dirt. Whenever he approaches you just don't react, leave him holding his own dirtball, and just walk away. His feelings are not worth taking into consideration but if you do then realize that he is probably angry at having what he considers his rights over you violated. As much distance as possible is the best tactic while you learn to not allow predators your space.

 

[Daughter of His]

This man is way out of line and I personally would be very firm one time only. I would advise a direct approach, I'm not interested, knock the behavior off now and turn and leave. No apologies necessary. You might be surprised what he would say that is not true to your Priest so talking with the Priest early is in order. You should not have to put up with this predator's behavior toward you.