People, MLP, and Erasmus

[Nilloc]

I just randomly started thinking about a brief conversation I had with Mr. Paulie079 not long ago (started here) and I figured I just start a new thread on a closely related issue.

I'll be as brief as possible; check the link for more detail. I've never had many friends, and even those few I have I only get to see in person maybe half-a-dozen times a year if I'm lucky. Needless to say, I'm more comfortable with books than I am with people.* I started college this past September and is the first time I've spent signaicant with anyone other than family since Jan. 2010 (jobs I worked for those two and a half years were with family members).

No one was ever interested in talking to me in high school, so I figured that college would be the same. And to my surprise, I was exactly right. All of that stuff my parents and counselor told me about how college would be different than high school was completely wrong.

My question then is what's going on? I know I'm a fairly boring person and most wouldn't want to talk to me for long any way, but there seems to be something about me that signals to others that I'm weird. I don't know what it could be, since my family and counselor keep saying there's nothing wrong with me, but, as I stated above, they don't always know what they're talking about. I guess it could be the four My Little Pony shirts that I own and wear frequently.

*I know I read someone who said that one time. I keep thinking that it was Erasmus, but I can't find the exact quote. The closest was when he said how he spends his money on books first, then on clothes and food.

 

[PetLuv]

I've always had a hard time making friends. I wish I could give you good advice, but the only thing I have in mind to say is rather unhelpful, so I'll just stick with giving you support in knowing it is not just you.

 

[MehGuy]

Fuuny, people in real life try to be friends with me. My awkwardness and just plain uninterest shoots them down.

 

[Neve]

It's funny because I can make a good first impression (many years of trial and error went into the good first impression), and I look good on paper - experience, all the "right" extracurricular activities, etc. At my current job, I beat another classmate, who was blonde and had a significantly higher GPA than me, for the job --- how? Resume and first impression.

However, when it comes to forming deeper, long-term relationships, I am a complete and utter failure. My friendships with people are almost always fleeting, dying out after a few months.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

I just randomly started thinking about a brief conversation I had with Mr. Paulie079 not long ago (started here) and I figured I just start a new thread on a closely related issue.

I'll be as brief as possible; check the link for more detail. I've never had many friends, and even those few I have I only get to see in person maybe half-a-dozen times a year if I'm lucky. Needless to say, I'm more comfortable with books than I am with people.* I started college this past September and is the first time I've spent signaicant with anyone other than family since Jan. 2010 (jobs I worked for those two and a half years were with family members).

No one was ever interested in talking to me in high school, so I figured that college would be the same. And to my surprise, I was exactly right. All of that stuff my parents and counselor told me about how college would be different than high school was completely wrong.

My question then is what's going on? I know I'm a fairly boring person and most wouldn't want to talk to me for long any way, but there seems to be something about me that signals to others that I'm weird. I don't know what it could be, since my family and counselor keep saying there's nothing wrong with me, but, as I stated above, they don't always know what they're talking about. I guess it could be the four My Little Pony shirts that I own and wear frequently.

*I know I read someone who said that one time. I keep thinking that it was Erasmus, but I can't find the exact quote. The closest was when he said how he spends his money on books first, then on clothes and food.

Hey guys, it's your favorite host JD here. It's MLP parade down here at the CF Singles section and we're having a blast!

Anyway,

it's only been a few months. If your college is close-knit, then it might be a lot easier to talk to people. But generally most colleges/universities are broad and wide. It might take some time to get to know people if that's the case.

Bronies are the most misunderstood fandom of all, lol.


I'm a really boring person, but I can strike a convo with people. You can just try talking to people in a bar. Make a Brony fanclub at your local college and see the other Bronies there. Or just join a club.

 

[Rhye]

Having friends is easy, having friendships is hard and takes a lot of work and a lot of time. Also, it means not expecting them to be as you are, but picking people who understand you and try as well. I know a lot of people but not all of them are my friends. I can't connect with them outside of the surface level of interacting. I see them with other people and their behavior and I don't believe they belong in my life. However, the friendships I have made, have taken a lot of work and time. Do you work at it? Also, I can't help but think of that girl in your class. You desperately wanted a friendship that you didn't realize she wasn't the person to be in a friendship with. She took your interest in a different way when you only wanted to be her friend. Do you choose the wrong people?

I don't think there is a formula of how to find a friend in your life. Some people have everything and feel alone, and others have nothing and are fulfilled. Where is your balance?

 

[Paulie079]

Maybe it is the MLP t-shirts :/

But I think one major step that you have to take is not allowing others to always dictate the state of your relationship with them. Sometimes you have to be the one to step up and initiate conversation. I know that's difficult, but it's possible.

 

[Ukrainia]

You sound a lot like me. I haven’t found a solution. Like yourself, I’ve thought about it a lot. There is no easy solution. But of course if it was easy everyone would have as many friends as they could want and a truly fulfilling social life. So don’t expect a quick fix, and therefore don’t give up after you do fail. That’ll just get you more disappointed and place you into a negative feedback loop.

I do have some suggestions. Since you don’t have many friends this means to value the friends that you do currently have. I only have a few too, but I honestly don’t usually value them as much as I should. Secondly, if you’re like me you’re better in one on one situations than groups with lots of people. I usually abhor big group settings. If that’s true with you, don’t force yourself into situations with lots of people. Find someone you would like to get to know and invite him or her to do something, just the two of you. I know a lot of people think otherwise, but I find this takes the pressure off of getting to know someone and plays to my strengths. I know quite a bit of random stuff reading due to reading a lot. So I’m usually not pressured to come up with material when it comes to just chatting one of one. On the other hand I’m bad at quickly coming up with jokes or drawing people’s attention to myself which limits any sort of effectiveness of getting someone’s attention in a group.

A few months back one of my few friends invited me to be a groomsman. I knew only him however and none of his other friends, so I was obviously nervous at the prospect of being in big groups of people. However, I found it a bit freeing to be in a situation where almost nothing was known about me. I wasn’t automatically known as the shy, antisocial guy. And it didn’t hurt that there are alcoholic beverages flowing at bachelor parties and weddings. I kept my expectations for social interactions fairly low, I made an effort to talk and I ended up having quite a bit of fun. So try to put yourself in circumstances that aren’t your normal social milieu, keep expectations a bit lower, make sure you say at least a few words and you might well have fun. And don’t fear social situations. To quote the fictional sci-fi novel Dune “fear is the mind killer” and that doesn’t sound particularly pleasant, does it.

 

[MehGuy]

It's funny because I can make a good first impression (many years of trial and error went into the good first impression), and I look good on paper - experience, all the "right" extracurricular activities, etc. At my current job, I beat another classmate, who was blonde and had a significantly higher GPA than me, for the job --- how? Resume and first impression.

However, when it comes to forming deeper, long-term relationships, I am a complete and utter failure. My friendships with people are almost always fleeting, dying out after a few months.

Yeah, it's a sad fact I have to face myself too.

People usually find me to be happy and full of energy, and assume I can form connections well. But usually it ends up with people telling me I'm cold and uncaring. Still, they stick around for a while but the relationship pretty much stays stale and cold until it eventually dies.

This kills me inside.

 

[Nilloc]

Anyway,it's only been a few months. If your college is close-knit, then it might be a lot easier to talk to people. But generally most colleges/universities are broad and wide. It might take some time to get to know people if that's the case.

It’s a community college, but like I said on the other thread, most aren’t interested in making friends or even talking, at least with me. Most other people talk to one another and such, but not me. I’m not jealous or even sad about that, just curious, because I honestly don’t know what it is about me that puts people off before I even say two words.

However, the friendships I have made, have taken a lot of work and time. Do you work at it?

My best friend is a guy I’ve known since I was in the second grade. My mom started babysitting for him and his sister, and we’ve been friends since then. We went to different elementary schools, but the same middle and high schools (though he was a year above me). Had we not met the way we did though, we probably never would have been friends or even met. Right now we communicate either through Facebook and text, and occasionally he comes over and hangs out. Several months ago he came with my sister and I to a convention (he’s the one who took my profile picture). That’s about it.

The only other person I consider a friend (that’s not online) is a girl I’ve known since middle school. We went to the same school and church, and were usually in Sunday school together. I never said much to her and it’s pretty obvious the only reason she talked to me was because she felt sorry for me. Our “friendship” has become a little deeper I suppose since we’ve talked on Facebook quite a bit and talked more about personal issues. She suffers from depression and self-hatred just as I do. Still it always feels artificial and I can’t imagine she’d actually to be friends with me if she still didn’t feel sorry for me.

My point in telling you these is that the only friends I have is due to dumb luck and in the latter’s case, doesn’t even feel like much of a friendship.

Also, I can't help but think of that girl in your class. You desperately wanted a friendship that you didn't realize she wasn't the person to be in a friendship with. She took your interest in a different way when you only wanted to be her friend. Do you choose the wrong people?

I don’t choose anyone. There are people whom I sit next to or am put into groups with and I have a chance to talk to them. I do, but they never seem all that interested beyond doing the work. Hannah seemed like the exception to this, but turns out she really wasn’t. Again, I hold no ill will towards any of these people, as I wouldn’t want to talk to me either, but it just seems like they don’t even give me a chance to bore and annoy them. Somehow they know beforehand.

and therefore don’t give up after you do fail. That’ll just get you more disappointed and place you into a negative feedback loop.

How many times do I get to fail before I give up?

Secondly, if you’re like me you’re better in one on one situations than groups with lots of people. I usually abhor big group settings. If that’s true with you, don’t force yourself into situations with lots of people. Find someone you would like to get to know and invite him or her to do something, just the two of you.

You’re exactly right. Problem is most other people like to be in big groups. And if they’re gonna be one-on-one with somebody, they’re not going to waste their time with me.

So try to put yourself in circumstances that aren’t your normal social milieu, keep expectations a bit lower, make sure you say at least a few words and you might well have fun.

I actually did just that over the summer. It was horrible.

To quote the fictional sci-fi novel Dune “fear is the mind killer” and that doesn’t sound particularly pleasant, does it.

Fear is also what let Bruce Wayne grab the ledge and escape Bane’s prison. Fear is the only thing that has kept me alive (metaphorically speaking) in regards to social situations all these years.

 

[Rhye]

A lot of the people who came into my life were because I just happened to be there at the right time and I choose to keep them in my life just as you choose to keep those people.
Honestly, Nilloc, it's in your hands what you want in your life. I don't express much of the stuff I go through in my life here but I know much of it is in my hands and much out of my control and the more excuses I fill my life with the less I enjoy my life.

 

[Nilloc]

A lot of the people who came into my life were because I just happened to be there at the right time and I choose to keep them in my life just as you choose to keep those people.

Not really. Simply wanting to keep people in life won't keep them there. They have to want to stay friends with you as well. And one of my friends stays because she feels sorry for me (I'm no expert on this, but that seems like a pretty horrible reason) and no one else I meet wants to.

Honestly, Nilloc, it's in your hands what you want in your life. I don't express much of the stuff I go through in my life here but I know much of it is in my hands and much out of my control and the more excuses I fill my life with the less I enjoy my life.

It's not really an excuse, just an observation. Any one who would watch me in social situations would come to the same conclusion.

 

[Rhye]

You really think she does that to you or has she said that? If you think it, then its better to not assume it, cause thats not fair to her.

Also, I agree its a two way street but you have to take interest in their lives just as much as they would for you. I've shown interest and the person hasn't cared, so I move on.


Well you know yourself better then anyone else. It seems you really want a friendship and it always hurts when you can't make it happen. I am sorry for that.

 

[Paulie079]

Not really. Simply wanting to keep people in life won't keep them there. They have to want to stay friends with you as well. And one of my friends stays because she feels sorry for me (I'm no expert on this, but that seems like a pretty horrible reason) and no one else I meet wants to.

It's not really an excuse, just an observation. Any one who would watch me in social situations would come to the same conclusion.

It would probably help to take advice and not argue with it Maybe that needs to be step #1.

 

[Ukrainia]

I don’t choose anyone. There are people whom I sit next to or am put into groups with and I have a chance to talk to them. I do, but they never seem all that interested beyond doing the work. Hannah seemed like the exception to this, but turns out she really wasn’t. Again, I hold no ill will towards any of these people, as I wouldn’t want to talk to me either, but it just seems like they don’t even give me a chance to bore and annoy them. Somehow they know beforehand.

Don't think of necessarily having to improve your social skills in order to be able to make friends with anyone. That shouldn't be your goal. Instead, focus on finding people with similar personalities and interests as you have. It might be the case that their aren't as many such people that complement you, as there are for others. But the computer is a powerful tool and I'm sure that there are people whether online or at your college that you would get a long with. You just might have to look for creatively, for a longer period of time than most people - but they're there!

You’re exactly right. Problem is most other people like to be in big groups. And if they’re gonna be one-on-one with somebody, they’re not going to waste their time with me.

I actually did just that over the summer. It was horrible.

Sometimes trying to be friends with certain people isn't worth the effort - not because of them or you, but just because you're not compatible. Don't spend your time trying to fit in. This feeds your negativity. Spend it instead looking for people with comparable interest or that you find interesting. If you're referencing Erasmus, that means you like learning about history or theology or both. There are plenty of sites that cater to people with those interests.

Fear is also what let Bruce Wayne grab the ledge and escape Bane’s prison. Fear is the only thing that has kept me alive (metaphorically speaking) in regards to social situations all these years.

We're not talking really about fear here. We're talking about self worth or self capability (but this can become fear). People who feel they are not capable of something do worse at it than those who feel they are capable, even if all else is equal. I know studies have been done that show, for instance, that having African Americans or women (two groups that are negatively stereotyped in regards to mathematic ability) mark down their gender or race before a math test, will cause them to do markedly worse than the control group. That something so subtle can have a noticeable affect is striking. With me, and I'm sure with you, believing that you are an aweful socializer becomes a self fullfilling prophesy.

But my main point is to be proactive in finding like-minded people. Far more than become popular or normal or fitting in, that's what you should be looking for. Even if you could, would you necessarily want to fit in with the popular crowd? Then you would have to spend your time talking with people who probably have a very different set of interests than you have and what's the enjoyment in that? It's not a shortcoming if you don't fit in, anymore than someone's taste buds who are wired a bit differently has a shortcoming.

Finding your niche socially is a long journey, and one that I'm currently also on. Just keep at it and be confident.

 

[Nilloc]

You really think she does that to you or has she said that? If you think it, then its better to not assume it, cause thats not fair to her.

It’s not really an assumption. Like a said above, more an observation. I don’t fault her for it—I appreciate it—but I still don’t really think that’s a friendship.

Also, I agree its a two way street but you have to take interest in their lives just as much as they would for you. I've shown interest and the person hasn't cared, so I move on.

I honestly can’t think of one that has shown interest since elementary school. It appears most people I find aren’t interested in making new friends.

Well you know yourself better then anyone else. It seems you really want a friendship and it always hurts when you can't make it happen. I am sorry for that.

Honestly, it really doesn’t hurt anymore. It used to, but I’ve made peace with the idea of having no more friends. At this point I’m just trying to figure out why no one ever shows interest.

It would probably help to take advice and not argue with it Maybe that needs to be step #1.

I can’t just take any advice given. I’m not questioning anyone’s sincerity in helping; I’m just trying to figure out what’s best.


Ukrainia, I appreciate the long post. I'm still thinking it over.

 

[Nilloc]

You just might have to look for creatively, for a longer period of time than most people - but they're there!

It’s been years and I still haven’t found anyone.

Sometimes trying to be friends with certain people isn't worth the effort - not because of them or you, but just because you're not compatible. Don't spend your time trying to fit in. This feeds your negativity. Spend it instead looking for people with comparable interest or that you find interesting.

These people I saw over the summer did have similar interests to me. It was still a disaster.

If you're referencing Erasmus, that means you like learning about history or theology or both. There are plenty of sites that cater to people with those interests.

No one who lives near me.

With me, and I'm sure with you, believing that you are an aweful socializer becomes a self fullfilling prophesy.

In some cases, that is undoubtedly true. Both in other instances, as the party over the summer mentioned above, I went in with absolute confidence and left in utter ruin.

Even if you could, would you necessarily want to fit in with the popular crowd?

No.

 

[Ukrainia]

It’s been years and I still haven’t found anyone.

You're still young. Keep at it.

These people I saw over the summer did have similar interests to me. It was still a disaster.

For me what often works best is beginning a relationship online and then asking to hang out. You get a sense of their interests, how they interact and if you might enjoy their company. Whether it's here, Facebook or OkCupid ask someone to chat, maybe on some sort of instant messanger. After a few weeks ask them if they would like to hang out.

In some cases, that is undoubtedly true. Both in other instances, as the party over the summer mentioned above, I went in with absolute confidence and left in utter ruin.

I'd suggest talking to yourself in a webcam or phone camera. Work on mannerisms, expressions, jokes. See what comes off as natural and what doesn't. If you need to improve at something, practice. It's tough. I'll never be as good at first impressions as I'd like, but I can and have gotten better. You can too.

 

[Nilloc]

You're still young. Keep at it.

I really don’t feel young in regards to this. Most other people my age don’t suffer these kinds of problems and wouldn’t care to be around someone who does.

Whether it's here, Facebook or OkCupid ask someone to chat, maybe on some sort of instant messanger. After a few weeks ask them if they would like to hang out.

I have over 500 or so friends on Facebook, 75% of whom I’ve never met in person. This is due mostly to similar political views (I hang out a lot and discuss libertarian politics online) and not anything all that interesting about myself. Most of these people probably would be bored by me in real life. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough, since I’ll probably meet some of them in person this February at a conference some of us are going to. But beyond things like that, I can’t ask any of them to hang out since most of them live far away.

I'd suggest talking to yourself in a webcam or phone camera. Work on mannerisms, expressions, jokes. See what comes off as natural and what doesn't. If you need to improve at something, practice. It's tough. I'll never be as good at first impressions as I'd like, but I can and have gotten better. You can too.

I’d probably just feel embarrassed about having to do something like that. Heck I’m embarrassed just asking about this.