Pastors' Wives

[JimB]

Only in P/C churches have pastor’s wives been given the title ‘Pastor’s Wife’ as though it was a ministry gift in itself. Except in rare instances, these wives will sigh and tell you it is a ‘title’ without authority that carries a lot of expectations (responsibility) without privilege (authority). And they are expected serve the role without pay. It is a thankless role with often unreasonable expectations.

Personally, and from experience, I think, at least in some P/C circles, congregations should let the pastor’s wife just be the wife of the pastor and allowed to please only him. She does not need 200 ‘husbands’.

I do not read in the NT of a minister’s wife having any especially prominent position. In fact, there is only one direct mention of an Apostles’ wife – Peter’s and Jesus’ brothers’ wives (see 1 Cor. 9.5). And it only tells us they accompanied their husbands in their travels. Period.

\o/

 

[HumbleMan]

If the pastor's wife isn't called into ministry, she shouldn't be expected to perform it. Yes, she should support her husband, and be gracious in all matters, but some people have different callings. But my experience has been that alot of pastors and their wives have a similar vision and calling. It may not be the same ministry, but both are used by God for His glory.

 

[NewSong]

As a pastor, I would like your opinion on the subject of pastor’s wives. From my point of view, women married to pastors are often a beleaguered group. They are required, by the expectations of church members, to share a ministry that is their husbands. Attorney’s wives, and the wives of mechanics, accountants, truck drivers, computer techs, salesmen, hospital workers, are not required to share their husband’s calling nor held responsible for their husbands’ jobs. But a pastor’s wife is called upon to be a counselor, confidant on the same level as her husband. Church members, afraid to approach the pastor (for whatever reason), make her a liaison with the pastor, expect her to make decision, hear gripes, offer advice, etc. She is not paid to do these things but she is expected to do them as though she were a staff member. It is a burden the Lord has not required of them but is often placed on them by insensitive people.

I have met many burned-out pastor’s wives over the years, sometimes angry at the expectations placed on them. They carry unwanted and unwonted baggage. They are told they “share” their husband’s “calling” because they are “one flesh”, although she knows the same rule does not apply to the wives of attorneys, mechanics, accountants, truck drivers, computer techs, salesmen, hospital workers, et. al. She asks (albeit silently), Aren’t you one flesh, too? It is clearly a double-standard.

"Pastor’s wife" is not a title. It simply means that she is the wife of the pastor. Period. It is his job to tend the flock of God, not hers. She often cannot pursue her own special gifts and calling because she is required to pursue his.

I guess my point is, she is a member of the church, the Body, just like everyone else, no more and no less.

I could add to all this the children of pastors, but that is another thread.

What do you think? I really would love to hear your opinion.

\o/

As usual, I do have an opinion....I agree with you that she should be a member just like anyone else and go with her special calling's and gifts like the rest...but some wives are gifted and called to minister to the sheep beside of her husband and compliments the ministry in the church beside him...but I would say that the majority should be treated like any other church member and that is that. No special treatment etc, nor any extra demands.


NewSong

IF only that were more common for wives and kids.....Dream, dream, dream

 

[NewSong]

I am a PK (Pastors Kid) so I know what you mean, however what I would say is this: If God has a job for your husband to do it is your job as his wife to support him, and as a Pastors Wife you should be loved and respected by your congregation. You are not just a member of the congregation as a wife you are one with your husband (its in your wedding vows) you deserve to be treated as he is treated but are also responsible to look after him and have a leadership role in the church (even if it is a somewhat unofficial one)

Pray and seek God let Him give you the strength (and patience, understanding, compassion, joy, peace etc) that you need to do the job!
talk to your husband about it!!! You could also have it announced that you need to be left wth some time to yourself to look after your husband/family.

You are a very special member of a church you are called to look after the shepard of the flock, be honoured that members approach you but do not be afraid to say no if it is not a job that you need to be doing!

With much love and some understanding
~a PK~

I know this your opinion but I just want to say as one PK to another that I disagree with this....as was stated by Jim, wives of other callings -doctor, lawyers, etc, don't have to go through that and I know a lot of Christian doctors but few Christian lawyers.... I know that my dad used to have to work to support himself and never took a penny from the church and yet my mom was not called to go in and help him weld... Neither would she have helped him pump gas at the gas station for the jobs he took on at night either.....

My mom's calling was in the home...and still is~ AND that was her wedding vows....


Perhaps it is a calling for some and some it isn't....

NewSong

 

[maxer]

it is really sad the pressure that is put on the pastors wife.
often they are supposed to be hospitable so have people turn up at the house at any given hour of the day so even their homes are not their own.
perhaps it is a boundary issue sometimes too. Is it possible that the wife can keep directing people to her husband or another person in leadership if she doesn't feel able to help them? and keep directing them there! so she has some space and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that.
optimistic perhaps?
I do think that the role is a calling in itself in a way, i don't have scriptural basis for that but what a special lady to support her husbands call knowing that she will be placed literally 'on call' as well with all that entails.
There are members of churches that hold their pastors wives in high regard. Sometimes hard to see through all the very needy people out there.

 

[JimB]

Years ago, when I first came into the ministry, (mid-60s, AoG, Texas) you knew the pastor’s wife as simply the wife of the pastor. That was all. She probably played the piano (that seemed to be her only requirement) but otherwise she had no function other than to serve her husband and he her.

Along about the 1970s evangelists began to travel around in Airstream trailers and added music to the show, selling their cheesy self-produced LPs to help with their expenses. It was not long before “Evangelist John Smith” became “John AND Jane Smith, Singing Evangelists” and their publicity picture showed him holding an oversized Bible and her beside him with an accordion. A real attraction! Soon the church sign in front of P/C churches no long had “Rev. Jack Jones, Pastor” but “Jack AND Mary Jones, Pastors” (plural). The wife of the pastor had suddenly been elevated (or demoted, depending on how you look at it) to the VIP designation of “Pastor’s Wife” with title and maybe even an office (but seldom with pay). She now sat on the platform with her husband, was called “first lady of the church”, and wielded power like she was co-pastor. P/C churches were getting (like America got in Bill & Hillary) two for the price of one.

I resisted the trend then and I resist it now. It is phony and unbiblical. I think P/C churches would be healthier and safer if Pastor’s Wives would go back to being simply the wife of the pastor. I know her life would be less complicated. I realize it is not as glamourous as the one with the title but it pays the same and the pressures are fewer.

My wife and I married after I had been in ministry (P/C) for more than 25 years, She was Disciples of Christ and knew very little about being a P/C, much less a P/C minister’s wife. At the time we married I owned a Christian bookstore and ministered from there (pastors breakfasts, seminars, concerts). Her model as a minister’s wife was Disciples of Christ and she did not have a clue about the demands put on the wife of a minister in P/C churches. When the decision was made that it was time for me to sell the bookstore and re-enter leadership ministry I warned her that more would be expected of her by people than was required of her by the Lord but promised to protect her from those pressures and allow her to serve the Lord however He chose and with whatever gifts she had. Being a pastor’s wife was not part of the original bargain! She is a talented person in many ways and an asset to me but she is MY wife, not the church’s wife. I am their pastor, not her.

Recently, she was asked by a traditional P/C pastor’s wife, “So, how do you like your new role as Pastor’s Wife?” She replied, “You mean as Jim’s wife? Nothing has changed.” And we are thankful for a church that “gets it”.

Fortunately, we are in a denomination where there is no such title as “Pastor’s Wife”. At our last Leadership Conference (regional) someone scheduled a seminar for “Pastor’s Wives” and invited, regrettably, a more traditional P/C “Pastor’s Wife” to lead it. She went through a litany of expectations a pastor’s wife could expect from church members, how she was to dress, how she was to present herself, what her duties were, how to counsel, manage her affairs, lead groups, etc. The ladies of our denomination came out of the meeting wondering what planet she was from and saying that nothing she said applied to them. They had hoped to learn how to be a better wife and mother, not a staff member of a church. My guess is that, thankfully, this seminar will be scrapped at the next conference.

\o/

 

[Nessie]

Well, I must first say that my pastor's wife has been a tremendous blessing to me and the entire church. I was out of the church for 7 or 8 years, and recently having rededicated my life to Christ, she has been there every step of the way. One day as I was talking to her, I told her "sorry I have so many questions!" she replied, "You're kidding! I'm the pastor's wife! This is what I do!" She appears to love her job. She is also the worship leader, and spends a lot of time working for the church. She was also married to her husband several years before they decided to pastor the church, and it was a joint agreement.

God makes a woman for every man, and God calls certain men to be pastor's. At the same time, I believe when he makes a woman for a man, by calling that woman to marry a pastor, he is calling the woman to be a pastor's wife.

Of course, I go to a pretty small church, and all of the members know each other pretty well (Pastor finds fellowship important, and so the congregation meets several times a week). And we have these things called "Home Fellowship Group" where on Sunday nights, instead of going to the church, we pick a member's home (and this rotates each week) and we all meet there, informally, and hold services there. But instead of Pastor preaching, we all sit together in the living room and have an icebreaker question, then pick a topic in today's world, and we discuss it Biblically. It's really great.

And as a result of eveyrone in the church being so close, if one has a problem, it's not unusual to ask another person in the church for help as well, even though Pastor and his wife make themselves available at all times (they both carry cellphones too). My pastor and his wife make it clear to everyone that if they ever need anything, we are to go to them. They do not make it a burden.

 

[2lplvr]

One comment about no mention of the wives of the Apostles in an elevated way, the calling of an apostle and a pastor are very different so the support they receive from their wives would be different.

I have experienced both extremes of PW. One who was pushed into a role she was neither called or suited to and it was disastrous. It would have been hard enough to just be the wife of the pastor attempting to "always look her best and have well-behaved children" but when the demands of counselor, confident, go between and no relationships in which she could be vulnerable and have her personal needs met, she simply could not handle it.
The other example is a woman who was called to ministry. Served as a campus pastor, worked in several church plants and as a missionary. She fully supports her husband's position and assists him by serving as the Womens Pastor. She leads the women and children's ministries because that is what God called her to do, in addition to be a wife and mother to her own children.

The first was really forced into a role that was not hers by the charismatic atmosphere of a married pastor having a partner serving with him instead of just supporting him.

 

[NacDan]

Well, I must first say that my pastor's wife has been a tremendous blessing to me and the entire church. I was out of the church for 7 or 8 years, and recently having rededicated my life to Christ, she has been there every step of the way. One day as I was talking to her, I told her "sorry I have so many questions!" she replied, "You're kidding! I'm the pastor's wife! This is what I do!" She appears to love her job. She is also the worship leader, and spends a lot of time working for the church. She was also married to her husband several years before they decided to pastor the church, and it was a joint agreement.

God makes a woman for every man, and God calls certain men to be pastor's. At the same time, I believe when he makes a woman for a man, by calling that woman to marry a pastor, he is calling the woman to be a pastor's wife.

Of course, I go to a pretty small church, and all of the members know each other pretty well (Pastor finds fellowship important, and so the congregation meets several times a week). And we have these things called "Home Fellowship Group" where on Sunday nights, instead of going to the church, we pick a member's home (and this rotates each week) and we all meet there, informally, and hold services there. But instead of Pastor preaching, we all sit together in the living room and have an icebreaker question, then pick a topic in today's world, and we discuss it Biblically. It's really great.

And as a result of eveyrone in the church being so close, if one has a problem, it's not unusual to ask another person in the church for help as well, even though Pastor and his wife make themselves available at all times (they both carry cellphones too). My pastor and his wife make it clear to everyone that if they ever need anything, we are to go to them. They do not make it a burden.

Based on the little information provided in your post, I would guess that your pastor's wife CHOOSES to be in the role she has accepted. Jim's original post refers to a congregation's attitude that the Pastor's Wife is CO-PASTOR, whether she or her husband (or God, for that matter) agrees she ought to be in that position.

You stated in your post that you believe "God makes a woman for every man, and God calls certain men to be pastor's. At the same time, I believe when he makes a woman for a man, by calling that woman to marry a pastor, he is calling the woman to be a pastor's wife." I agree, the PASTOR'S wife, not the churches! The role of "pastor's wife" that is being discussed in this thread is not Biblical in any aspect, and is completely man-made.

Danny

 

[Nessie]

Based on the little information provided in your post, I would guess that your pastor's wife CHOOSES to be in the role she has accepted. Jim's original post refers to a congregation's attitude that the Pastor's Wife is CO-PASTOR, whether she or her husband (or God, for that matter) agrees she ought to be in that position.

You stated in your post that you believe "God makes a woman for every man, and God calls certain men to be pastor's. At the same time, I believe when he makes a woman for a man, by calling that woman to marry a pastor, he is calling the woman to be a pastor's wife." I agree, the PASTOR'S wife, not the churches! The role of "pastor's wife" that is being discussed in this thread is not Biblical in any aspect, and is completely man-made.

Danny

Maybe I misunderstood, but what I was trying to say was that while I believe some men are called to be pastors, I also believe some women are called to be pastors' wives, in the concept of the woman who helps her husband in the teaching and maintaining of the church. As for people taking advantage of either the pastor or his wife, it doesn't matter if they are called or not, it's just wrong.

 

[JimB]

***** I also believe some women are called to be pastors' wives, in the concept of the woman who helps her husband in the teaching and maintaining of the church. As for people taking advantage of either the pastor or his wife, it doesn't matter if they are called or not, it's just wrong.

Thank you Nessie. It is wrong.
However, as for your statement "some women are called to be pastors' wives", I am not sure I agree with a pastor’s wife calling. Can you support it with scripture or is this just an opinion? I have heard this many times but have yet to find scriptural support for such a belief.
\o/

 

[Nessie]

Thank you Nessie. It is wrong.
However, as for your statement "some women are called to be pastors' wives", I am not sure I agree with a pastor’s wife calling. Can you support it with scripture or is this just an opinion? I have heard this many times but have yet to find scriptural support for such a belief.
\o/

Honestly, I don't think there is scripture for this. It was a deduction I made from the fact that God gave woman to man, and in most churches I've ever been to, the pastor's wife fulfills a role I believe is just as important as the pastor's. And since God is allknowing and, in my opinion, knows ahead of time who will marry whom "For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord...", it makes sense to me that if God called a woman to marry a man who is called to be a pastor, she would be fit to fulfill the "role" of "the pastor's wife".

Also I say this on the basis that anytime I have ever talked to a pastor's wife, she felt like God called her to do this. Of course, I've always attended more conservative churches, where, although women can converse with the pastor, most of the time the pastor's wife is present, as we don't typically have men and women alone who are not married.

I would be interested in asking my current pastor's wife how she feels about this, and if there are any scriptures backing up the fact that women could be called to be pastor's wives.

 

[NewSong]

Thank you Nessie. It is wrong.
However, as for your statement "some women are called to be pastors' wives", I am not sure I agree with a pastor’s wife calling. Can you support it with scripture or is this just an opinion? I have heard this many times but have yet to find scriptural support for such a belief.
\o/

I actually thought about this a lot today while working and what scripture would support an active role of the wife of a pastor while others would be less active...and I really believe the scriptures that support it would be the giftings that would be recorded here....why one may have a different calling than another wife of a pastor. ... but it should not be "an office" to be held...
The first thing my mom told my dad was she was not called to be a "pastors wife" and I remember it as clear as can be...I thought my mom was some kind of obstinate Christian wife that my dad was not going to be held back with those words...but over the years it has proved to be the best thing...I watch my mom minister to my dad and my dad is at his best when my mom ministers to him first....And can't seem to enjoy my pastor's wife I have in her role as co-leader of the church...In fact, more than once I have seen them both go down at the same time and crashs and then the church goes manic-depressive..YUCK~

Romans 12:4For as we have many members in one body, 
but all the members do not have the same function, 
5so we, being many, are one body in Christ, 
and individually members of one another. 
6Having then gifts differing according to 
the grace that is given to us, let us use them: 
if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; 
7or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; 
he who teaches, in teaching; 
8he who exhorts, in exhortation; 
he who gives, with liberality; 
he who leads, with diligence; 
he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

 

[Andy Broadley]

As you can see from my avator, my roots and upbringing where in the Salvation Army. Officers can only marry officers and both share the ministry equally. It is only recently though that they ceased being called Captain and Mrs Smith (even though both hels equal rank) and became known as the Captains Smith. I have known some wonderful female officers, and because they have a clearly defined role in the ministry, the burn out problem seems not to arise.

 

[NewSong]

As you can see from my avator, my roots and upbringing where in the Salvation Army. Officers can only marry officers and both share the ministry equally. It is only recently though that they ceased being called Captain and Mrs Smith (even though both hels equal rank) and became known as the Captains Smith. I have known some wonderful female officers, and because they have a clearly defined role in the ministry, the burn out problem seems not to arise.

Do your officers keep office hours? Ours do here in my home town. They have an unlisted phone number and they do not associate, affiliate with others in their church here in my hometown. IF there is a problem or a crisis in the night, or off hours, then one of the congregation members attend to it or other clergy in the community.... I am only curious because I always wondered if ours were just different because most of the people in my home area are high maitenance...and that could change the burn out rate...

 

[BubblesRelena]

The pastors wife has a very large roll in the church. It's not that it's expected of her from the people in the church...it's expected of her from God. God wouldn't have called a man to preach, if the man had a wife who despized the job as "pastor's wife" (yes it is a job). That leads to not only a unhappy home, but a grudging spirit, a detesting spirit, in all ways, from the wife, a wrong and bad spirit. And when the pastor and/or his wife, whom people look up to (for reasons beyond me) have wrong spirits, it leaks out to the people. Either the people can tell, or they start to absorb it and become the same way.

My old pastor and his wife had a lazy, slothful, and superior spirit. It was all over them. They believed that it's just her job to pray, his job to preach, and everyone else in the church to do all the work, including whitnessing. They refused to get a job because they said that they couldn't be around "sinful" people, and they had to stay "holy." They didn't become friends with members of the church because the people in church aren't as "holy" as they are. They had a snobbish air about them, and they didn't want to do any work, but instead practically force it down the throats of the people who wanted to do all they could for God. That wrong spirit ended up spreading to most of the people in the church, all except 2. Ironically those 2 were me and my mother. When they went too far with their wrong spirit (the pastors wife spirit expecially!) my mother and I walked out on the church, taking God with us. Now, it's a few months later, about 8...and the pastor and his wife left the church, and closed it down, abandoning all those souls.

A church closed down, leaving hungry souls without a church, because the pastor and his WIFE had a wrong spirit. If there's a pastor who has a wife that hates her "job", then that church that they pastor is doomed unless she gets in a right spirit.

~BubblesRelena

 

[JimB]

The pastors wife has a very large roll in the church. It's not that it's expected of her from the people in the church...it's expected of her from God. God wouldn't have called a man to preach, if the man had a wife who despized the job as "pastor's wife" (yes it is a job). That leads to not only a unhappy home, but a grudging spirit, a detesting spirit, in all ways, from the wife, a wrong and bad spirit. And when the pastor and/or his wife, whom people look up to (for reasons beyond me) have wrong spirits, it leaks out to the people. Either the people can tell, or they start to absorb it and become the same way.

My old pastor and his wife had a lazy, slothful, and superior spirit. It was all over them. They believed that it's just her job to pray, his job to preach, and everyone else in the church to do all the work, including whitnessing. They refused to get a job because they said that they couldn't be around "sinful" people, and they had to stay "holy." They didn't become friends with members of the church because the people in church aren't as "holy" as they are. They had a snobbish air about them, and they didn't want to do any work, but instead practically force it down the throats of the people who wanted to do all they could for God. That wrong spirit ended up spreading to most of the people in the church, all except 2. Ironically those 2 were me and my mother. When they went too far with their wrong spirit (the pastors wife spirit expecially!) my mother and I walked out on the church, taking God with us. Now, it's a few months later, about 8...and the pastor and his wife left the church, and closed it down, abandoning all those souls.

A church closed down, leaving hungry souls without a church, because the pastor and his WIFE had a wrong spirit. If there's a pastor who has a wife that hates her "job", then that church that they pastor is doomed unless she gets in a right spirit.

~BubblesRelena

Happy B-day, BR.

This is a sad experience but all too common. Lazy people are everywhere. Still, it does not warrant your views in the first paragraph that begins “The pastors wife has a very large roll in the church. It's not that it's expected of her from the people in the church...it's expected of her from God.” You cannot justify that by scripture. Nowhere in the Bible is there such a title as “Pastor’s Wife”, nor qualifications for a woman to be one, nor instructions on how to do it. We have created the role and require her to live up to our man-made expectations, and her children, too. As a Christian she works under a double standard.

All Christ requires of her is that she serve her husband and children as a faithful wife, and be a member of the Body of Christ and find her place of service and her special giftings of the Spirit – just like everyone else. She cannot do this because she is placed on some kind of a pedestal (or prison cell) and expected to fulfill some man-ufactured rules of behavior.

It is no wonder some men leave pastoral ministry and their children run away from the church. Their wives and kids get their craw full of misinformed and overly-demanding church members who are like the daughters of the horseleach, always demanding more and never giving back.

This is peculiar to P/C churches. The wives of pastors in mainline denominations are not given the title “Pastor’s Wife” nor are their seen as co-pastors. They are simply who God made them to be, the wives of the pastor just like some are the wives of truck drivers or some are the wives of attorneys and accountants and policemen, etc.

I say cut the pastor’s family some slack and let them off of the pedestals (out of their cells) so that they can be who God requires them to be, not who church members unreasonably demand they be.

\o/

 

[New_Wineskin]

Still, it does not warrant your views in the first paragraph that begins “The pastors wife has a very large roll in the church. It's not that it's expected of her from the people in the church...it's expected of her from God.” You cannot justify that by scripture. Nowhere in the Bible is there such a title as “Pastor’s Wife”, nor qualifications for a woman to be one, nor instructions on how to do it. We have created the role and require her to live up to our man-made expectations, and her children, too. As a Christian she works under a double standard.

Wow . I could say the same thing about a "pastor" . "Pastor" is not a title - it is a gifting or calling . The Lord talked against calling people by such titles . But , I only find it amusing when people do . I don't care that much about it .

There are so few insrtuctions on the calling . The current role has been created by attempting to fill in what was left out . That may be because people consider it a title . If they considered it a gifting , the gifting would manifest itself the correct way instead of molding it after what is considered a set of rules defining a position . Many have high expectations for them due to the man-made role for them .

After creating the role , a double standard has come into existance . They are held as more important parts of the body , the terms "clergy" and "laypeople" show a seperation . They are expected to be more in tune with the Lord than the rest who have obviously inferior giftings . Why anyone would want to carry such a burden is beyond me . Some are actually following the calling of the Lord and the Lord will carry the burden for them .

 

[JimB]

Wow . I could say the same thing about a "pastor" . "Pastor" is not a title - it is a gifting or calling . The Lord talked against calling people by such titles . But , I only find it amusing when people do . I don't care that much about it .

There are so few insrtuctions on the calling . The current role has been created by attempting to fill in what was left out . That may be because people consider it a title . If they considered it a gifting , the gifting would manifest itself the correct way instead of molding it after what is considered a set of rules defining a position . Many have high expectations for them due to the man-made role for them .

After creating the role , a double standard has come into existance . They are held as more important parts of the body , the terms "clergy" and "laypeople" show a seperation . They are expected to be more in tune with the Lord than the rest who have obviously inferior giftings . Why anyone would want to carry such a burden is beyond me . Some are actually following the calling of the Lord and the Lord will carry the burden for them .

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

Thank you for giving us some perspective, NW.

\o/

 

[Andy Broadley]

Do your officers keep office hours? Ours do here in my home town. They have an unlisted phone number and they do not associate, affiliate with others in their church here in my hometown. IF there is a problem or a crisis in the night, or off hours, then one of the congregation members attend to it or other clergy in the community.... I am only curious because I always wondered if ours were just different because most of the people in my home area are high maitenance...and that could change the burn out rate...

That's certainly not a situation I have encountered among officers in the UK. Obviously, there has to be a degree of balance, for the sake of physical wellbeing and sheer sanity, esprcially as most officers also have families.

However, I cannot comprehend a Salvation Army officer working mere office hours. The only exception to that would possibly be when the officer is part of a team in a large social/housing etc situation. Even then, they would work on a rota, not office hours.