Pastor Asking My Wife to Meet?

[miamited]

Hi WN,

Read your post and thought I'd reply with my thoughts. First off, it isn't terrible for a pastor to want to meet with a congregant. However, while he says one on one in his request for a meeting, will it be in a public place? Will it be in his office with a church secretary outside and him leaving his door open?

I would, at this point, take the one on one comment to mean that he just wants to hear about her issues. In other words, he isn't interested in holding a board meeting with her. Perhaps your wife, in the initial discussion, inferred or implied that these were active concerns of hers and he does just want to follow up.

Personally, I think I'd ask my wife to have a talk with him on Sunday morning and ask about the place of the meeting. Saying something like, "I appreciate your concerns about the issues of my heart. I got your note for a meeting, but I want to be sure that there wouldn't be any actual or perceived impropriety. Where would you want to meet? If he says over lunch at a local casual diner, then I think she'd be free to accept such a meeting and then judge his possible ulterior motives in that meeting. Would he attempt to hold her hand or discuss things of a more personal nature? If so, then yes, I agree with some of the others that you should proceed with caution and may want to sever the ties between the two. At the very least, know a bit more about his intentions and your wife refusing any further one on one contact.

If, on the other hand, he says that he'd be fine with meeting in his office, then she should question whether or not anyone else would be nearby because she would be really concerned about the perception that others might have concerning such a private meeting.

I think that this would put the pastor on notice that if his objective is a more personal relationship with your wife, that isn't going to happen. Since, according to your own testimony, the two of you (you and the pastor) have had an amicable and what you describe as a somewhat friendly relationship, I think that you'd owe him at least the opportunity to make clear his intentions in this.

Maybe your wife mentioned some ministry that she'd want to be involved with and he just wants to get more ideas or possibly enlist her to start up such a ministry. Like I say, I don't find just sending out a request for contact twice to necessarily mean that there is some nefarious motive, but I'd certainly look to answer a couple of questions before proceeding. I think that this can be done by going ahead and talking with him about a meeting and be clear to set some parameters as to the place and circumstances for such a meeting.

You might even talk to your friend and say something like, hey, my wife mentioned to me about her conversations with you and that she got a couple of requests to meet with you. She asked me to ask you if it would be ok if she brought me along for moral support? We'll pay for lunch.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[brinny]

We can act based on discernment, and we can mistakenly think we are acting on discernment. That is why I think it is good to gather as many resources as we can before we take what could be a detrimental action.

i disagree. There has already been indication that whatever is going on with this pastor, that THOSE texts were surely not from the living God.

The detrimental action was the pastors. And TWICE.

This pastor needs accountability.

This should have NEVER happened.

Nico and his wife need to seriously pray about this, and heed what God says, through His Word about this.

 

[Albion]

Yes. There should ALREADY be women in the church in a ministry to minister to women. Yes?

That is not at all certain. There weren't any in the churches I have attended. But also, the pastor was hosting (I assume) the small group session where she first raised the issue...and the pastor is expected by the church to counsel his people, at least to the extent of his ability and expertise. So there is a reason for him to think the first follow-up should come from him and then maybe recommend something else, if necessary.

But that's a lot of guessing. For what it's worth, my first thought way back at the start of this discussion was just what Rebecca4Christ later wrote in post #32.

 

[Sanoy]

i disagree. There has already been indication that whatever is going on with this pastor, that THOSE texts were surely not from the living God.

The detrimental action was the pastors. And TWICE.

This pastor needs accountability.

This should have NEVER happened.

Nico and his wife need to seriously pray about this, and heed what God says, through His Word about this.

I agree with all of the above. We only disagree on his intent. I don't know his intent and think more information is warranted for a judgement. He could have texted this while checking out at the grocery store.

 

[Albion]

The fact is that we just do not have enough information with which to know what is actually going on. And also, any decision about how to proceed brings perils with it.

 

[LoricaLady]

I'm not asking that he be trusted. I am asking that one gather sufficient information before making a judgement that could ruin an innocent man.

As others have suggested, the couple can go and speak to the Pastor about the texts and watch his reactions. To me, and some others here, it is obvious what was going on. It's not obvious to the OP. If he can get more data, great. We all need prayers sometimes, too, to see the obvious.

If nothing else, this situation should be brought up with other Church members in a dignified way. After all, just if the Pastor is a sexual predator, a record needs to be left, and a warning to others. Who knows, maybe some other woman might come forth who was too embarrassed to say anything.

On the other hand, people in the Church can close ranks and not want to hear anything that rocks the boat. This is a not uncommon scenario in such cases, and worse cases.

You can't prove anything based on the texts. You can't prove he is a sexual predator by them. You can't prove by them that he is an inept pastor who doesn't have the experience and discernment to know how such texts could impact and concern a married couple who want to stay faithful. But you can go by your common sense and common knowledge. Mho.

 

[brinny]

That is not at all certain. There weren't any in the churches I have attended. But also, the pastor was hosting (I assume) the small group session where she first raised the issue...and the pastor is expected by the church to counsel his people, at least to the extent of his ability and expertise. So there is a reason for him to think the first follow-up should come from him and then maybe recommend something else, if necessary.

But that's a lot of guessing. For what it's worth, my first thought way back at the start of this discussion was just what Rebecca4Christ later wrote in post #32.

Certain or not, it is WISE to have a ministry for women with women ministering. The very fact that it was jarring for Nico's wife to not just get one such a text, but TWO, is indication enough that this has NOTHING to do with the living God. God certainly would not have EVER directed this pastor to send either one, especially with this ---->

It is wise to AVOID this kind of unGodly stirrings, especially from a pastor. THat is why i said there needs to be accountability. He would have NEVER been advised to do this. We are to AVOID "anything" that would be questionable .

NO ONE would've advised him to do this.

God surely didn't.

THAT is the bottom line.

 

[brinny]

I agree with all of the above. We only disagree on his intent. I don't know his intent and think more information is warranted for a judgement. He could have texted this while checking out at the grocery store.

See post #47.

 

[LoricaLady]

1 Thessalonians 5:22:
“Abstain from all appearances of evil” (KJV)

 

[Albion]

THAT is the bottom line.

I'm inclined to think that finding out what he was actually up to would be the "bottom line."

 

[Albion]

1 Thessalonians 5:22:
“Abstain from all appearances of evil” (KJV)

I don't think that any of us feel his chosen approach was appropriate.

That's something that is aside from knowing what was intended and how to respond to it.

 

[LoricaLady]

The OP and his wife will never be able to find out from the Pastor himself, for sure, what he was "up to." If he is a sexual predator he will probably be well acquainted with ways to cover his tracks and make excuses and feign innocence, ineptness, doofiness or whatever.

Again, prayer to the Holy Spirit for light is the best approach. Common sense and common knowledge don't hurt.

 

[spiritualchristian7]

I suggest you take another step of 'action'; get to know the pastor better.
From discerning his Spirit, you'll probably know right away whether he has bad intentions or not.

So little information about the pastor.

Don't be convinced of your conclusion yet until you're 100% really sure. The enemy (devil) can use it against you.

I broke off a lot of my friendships because of jumping to conclusions without actually getting to know what my friends' thoughts were. I was very convinced of my assumptions about them. Turns out they also have their side of the story which I didn't know about.

 

[brinny]

brinny said: ↑
THAT is the bottom line.

I'm inclined to think that finding out what he was actually up to would be the "bottom line."

The "bottom line" for ANY pastor is GOD'S WILL and adhering to God's Word and praying for a "pure heart". Any thoughts, words, and actions of a pastor is to flow from this "bottom line". A pastor is to be OBEDIENT to God's will and therefore anything he says or does WILL "reflect" it.

GOD'S will IS the bottom line.

If it isn't, therein lies the problem.

 

[brinny]

1 Thessalonians 5:22:
“Abstain from all appearances of evil” (KJV)

This is the verse i was referring to.

Amen.

 

[LoricaLady]

This is the verse i was referring to.

Amen.

Yes, I knew that was the verse you were referring to, and was just adding where it can be found in the Bible.

 

[brinny]

Yes, I knew that was the verse you were referring to, and was just adding where it can be found in the Bible.

Thank you.

 

[Sanoy]

See post #47.

We agree that God did not influence him to send these texts. But we don't always act according to the spirit. Sometimes we make mistakes in our hope to do good and do dumb things that cause confusion.

 

[spiritualchristian7]

I think out of all the replies here, yours is the most wise and correct discernment.

Hi WN,

Read your post and thought I'd reply with my thoughts. First off, it isn't terrible for a pastor to want to meet with a congregant. However, while he says one on one in his request for a meeting, will it be in a public place? Will it be in his office with a church secretary outside and him leaving his door open?

I would, at this point, take the one on one comment to mean that he just wants to hear about her issues. In other words, he isn't interested in holding a board meeting with her. Perhaps your wife, in the initial discussion, inferred or implied that these were active concerns of hers and he does just want to follow up.

Personally, I think I'd ask my wife to have a talk with him on Sunday morning and ask about the place of the meeting. Saying something like, "I appreciate your concerns about the issues of my heart. I got your note for a meeting, but I want to be sure that there wouldn't be any actual or perceived impropriety. Where would you want to meet? If he says over lunch at a local casual diner, then I think she'd be free to accept such a meeting and then judge his possible ulterior motives in that meeting. Would he attempt to hold her hand or discuss things of a more personal nature? If so, then yes, I agree with some of the others that you should proceed with caution and may want to sever the ties between the two. At the very least, know a bit more about his intentions and your wife refusing any further one on one contact.

If, on the other hand, he says that he'd be fine with meeting in his office, then she should question whether or not anyone else would be nearby because she would be really concerned about the perception that others might have concerning such a private meeting.

I think that this would put the pastor on notice that if his objective is a more personal relationship with your wife, that isn't going to happen. Since, according to your own testimony, the two of you (you and the pastor) have had an amicable and what you describe as a somewhat friendly relationship, I think that you'd owe him at least the opportunity to make clear his intentions in this.

Maybe your wife mentioned some ministry that she'd want to be involved with and he just wants to get more ideas or possibly enlist her to start up such a ministry. Like I say, I don't find just sending out a request for contact twice to necessarily mean that there is some nefarious motive, but I'd certainly look to answer a couple of questions before proceeding. I think that this can be done by going ahead and talking with him about a meeting and be clear to set some parameters as to the place and circumstances for such a meeting.

You might even talk to your friend and say something like, hey, my wife mentioned to me about her conversations with you and that she got a couple of requests to meet with you. She asked me to ask you if it would be ok if she brought me along for moral support? We'll pay for lunch.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[brinny]

brinny said: ↑
See post #47.

We agree that God did not influence him to send these texts. But we don't always act according to the spirit. Sometimes we make mistakes in our hope to do good and do dumb things that cause confusion.

Again, this verse comes to mind:

"Abstain from all appearances of evil" ~I Thess 5:22

This is even more crucial for a pastor.