Parents are Advising Me to Get Out of Relationship

[Trayalc]

I've been talking to this girl since June, and at one point I told her I needed to focus on me for a while and can't do a relationship right now, as a recent college graduate and heeding my parents' advice (I still live with them). I asked her not to put her life on pause for me, but she said basically said "It's okay, I'll wait for you. You're worth it." Now it's coming down to the wire where she is tired of waiting and wants me to give her an answer if we can date now or not (which I don't blame her for).

I'll be honest, due to frustrations within my household, I have been demonizing my parents for a while now. I have been very uncommunicative with them, making out their points of view to be old-fashioned, snotty, and overbearing. I even told the girl recently I can't date because of them -- I had made out a monstrous image of them in my head, and now I was using it as an excuse.

I realized this after talking to the girl and her venting her frustrations about my excuse, and I felt compelled to go communicate with my parents more than I have in weeks. I spoke to my dad this morning, who was very willing to talk with me about it and was very gentle and personable in his responses. I felt tears welling up in my eyes -- how could I have come to a point where I was basically filled with such hateful thoughts and energy towards my own loving parents? I praise God for softening my heart enough to get over myself and open myself back up to those who love me and want the best for me.

My dad's answer was still not what I wanted to hear, but it was far from the image of his point of view that I had thought up. And it was comforting because I felt that I had reconnected with him and mended that relationship (I need to do the same with my mother, perhaps more than I needed to with my father). My dad brought up some of his own experiences in his youth, and he thought that this relationship would not be wise to pursue because of the distance between this girl and I (1 hour distance) would ultimately make it not work. I asked him if he would be upset with me if I did so choose to date her, and he said "Well, I think it would be unwise."

I value the opinion of my parents greatly. While I still need to talk to my mother about this (she has her own problems with the relationship), the thought of choosing to do something that my father alone thinks is unwise absolutely kills me. But I also want very much to give this girl a chance -- I actually thought the distance between us was the least of our problems.

This is a difficult decision. I will definitely be in prayer about it, but may I ask you all's advice? Thanks.

TL;DR: Praise God for softening my heart, and I'm seeking advice for this situation where my parents are advising me to get out of relationship. I want to give the relationship a shot, but I also value my parents' opinions greatly. What shall I do?

 

[Trayalc]

Also, some background on the girl and I:
She was a nonbeliever when we started talking, and now she is a believer. She sees me as a spiritual mentor, and we have grown very close over these last 5 months. She is still in college an hour away, and I am recently graduated and still trying to figure out my next steps.

Here are the other concerns I have had:
(1) She is still living with her ex-boyfriend, who is very jealous of me and is often very toxic towards her. She is trying to get out of that apartment.
(2) It makes me uneasy to know not only my parents but also my other close friends and mentors have been saying I should probably not move forward with this relationship, stating she does not seem like she is ready for a serious relationship and that she seems to be relying too much on me.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Eventually, you ARE you going to make decisions that are right for YOU that your parents aren't going to like. This is probably one of those situations.

 

[Albion]

Your family and friends make a very good case for not pursuing this relationship. And I would consider her continuing to live with an ex-boyfriend to be a relationship-killer.

However, if you decide to try to make the relationship work, despite everything, I don't see why you cannot also repair your connection to your parents. It's not as though you will be with the girl every day of the week or can just drop in at any time, right?

 

[Aussie Pete]

I've been talking to this girl since June, and at one point I told her I needed to focus on me for a while and can't do a relationship right now, as a recent college graduate and heeding my parents' advice (I still live with them). I asked her not to put her life on pause for me, but she said basically said "It's okay, I'll wait for you. You're worth it." Now it's coming down to the wire where she is tired of waiting and wants me to give her an answer if we can date now or not (which I don't blame her for).

I'll be honest, due to frustrations within my household, I have been demonizing my parents for a while now. I have been very uncommunicative with them, making out their points of view to be old-fashioned, snotty, and overbearing. I even told the girl recently I can't date because of them -- I had made out a monstrous image of them in my head, and now I was using it as an excuse.

I realized this after talking to the girl and her venting her frustrations about my excuse, and I felt compelled to go communicate with my parents more than I have in weeks. I spoke to my dad this morning, who was very willing to talk with me about it and was very gentle and personable in his responses. I felt tears welling up in my eyes -- how could I have come to a point where I was basically filled with such hateful thoughts and energy towards my own loving parents? I praise God for softening my heart enough to get over myself and open myself back up to those who love me and want the best for me.

My dad's answer was still not what I wanted to hear, but it was far from the image of his point of view that I had thought up. And it was comforting because I felt that I had reconnected with him and mended that relationship (I need to do the same with my mother, perhaps more than I needed to with my father). My dad brought up some of his own experiences in his youth, and he thought that this relationship would not be wise to pursue because of the distance between this girl and I (1 hour distance) would ultimately make it not work. I asked him if he would be upset with me if I did so choose to date her, and he said "Well, I think it would be unwise."

I value the opinion of my parents greatly. While I still need to talk to my mother about this (she has her own problems with the relationship), the thought of choosing to do something that my father alone thinks is unwise absolutely kills me. But I also want very much to give this girl a chance -- I actually thought the distance between us was the least of our problems.

This is a difficult decision. I will definitely be in prayer about it, but may I ask you all's advice? Thanks.

TL;DR: Praise God for softening my heart, and I'm seeking advice for this situation where my parents are advising me to get out of relationship. I want to give the relationship a shot, but I also value my parents' opinions greatly. What shall I do?

As an old dude with some experiences under the belt, I'd be inclined to listen to my parents. I had no parental help from the age of 15-1/2. My choices were not at all smart, but I had to work that out myself. I had my first serious gf at 18. I had to go overseas for 3 months (military) when I was 19. When I came back, she was at the airport. I realised that there was nothing in my heart for her and I had to break it off. Yeah, I felt like I'd kicked a puppy, but there was no other way.

I'm not saying that you should do the same. But parents are often way more objective and can see potential problems that we do not see coming, especially at that age. You are both young. You will survive, I promise. God honours those who honour their parents.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I've been talking to this girl since June, and at one point I told her I needed to focus on me for a while and can't do a relationship right now, as a recent college graduate and heeding my parents' advice (I still live with them). I asked her not to put her life on pause for me, but she said basically said "It's okay, I'll wait for you. You're worth it." Now it's coming down to the wire where she is tired of waiting and wants me to give her an answer if we can date now or not (which I don't blame her for).

I'll be honest, due to frustrations within my household, I have been demonizing my parents for a while now. I have been very uncommunicative with them, making out their points of view to be old-fashioned, snotty, and overbearing. I even told the girl recently I can't date because of them -- I had made out a monstrous image of them in my head, and now I was using it as an excuse.

I realized this after talking to the girl and her venting her frustrations about my excuse, and I felt compelled to go communicate with my parents more than I have in weeks. I spoke to my dad this morning, who was very willing to talk with me about it and was very gentle and personable in his responses. I felt tears welling up in my eyes -- how could I have come to a point where I was basically filled with such hateful thoughts and energy towards my own loving parents? I praise God for softening my heart enough to get over myself and open myself back up to those who love me and want the best for me.

My dad's answer was still not what I wanted to hear, but it was far from the image of his point of view that I had thought up. And it was comforting because I felt that I had reconnected with him and mended that relationship (I need to do the same with my mother, perhaps more than I needed to with my father). My dad brought up some of his own experiences in his youth, and he thought that this relationship would not be wise to pursue because of the distance between this girl and I (1 hour distance) would ultimately make it not work. I asked him if he would be upset with me if I did so choose to date her, and he said "Well, I think it would be unwise."

I value the opinion of my parents greatly. While I still need to talk to my mother about this (she has her own problems with the relationship), the thought of choosing to do something that my father alone thinks is unwise absolutely kills me. But I also want very much to give this girl a chance -- I actually thought the distance between us was the least of our problems.

This is a difficult decision. I will definitely be in prayer about it, but may I ask you all's advice? Thanks.

TL;DR: Praise God for softening my heart, and I'm seeking advice for this situation where my parents are advising me to get out of relationship. I want to give the relationship a shot, but I also value my parents' opinions greatly. What shall I do?

Back in the old days, I dated a chick who lived in a town about 45 minutes from where I live. At the time, that wasn't a bug; it was a feature.

To me, living too close to a girlfriend cramped my style. I wanted to be able to go out with my boys without some lame girlfriend coming along and nerding everything up.

Side note: I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder about stuff back then.

Anyway. The point is that a bit of distance between me and the (now ex-) girlfriend was just what the doctor ordered.

Still, your reluctance does intrigue me. Do you really like this girl? The reason I ask is because generally incoming attention from a woman is something most men don't need to think twice about. If a guy is interested, he'll go for it. If he's not, he won't.

She opened her heart to you. If you're totally independent and you're interested in her, who cares what your parents think? There comes a point when their opinions are secondary. Or even tertiary.

But if you're not interested in this girl, you should let her down gently.

Either way, generally parents should not be dictating their children's love lives after their children have become independent.

My definition of "independent" means "Over 18 and living separately from one's parents".

 

[eleos1954]

I've been talking to this girl since June, and at one point I told her I needed to focus on me for a while and can't do a relationship right now, as a recent college graduate and heeding my parents' advice (I still live with them). I asked her not to put her life on pause for me, but she said basically said "It's okay, I'll wait for you. You're worth it." Now it's coming down to the wire where she is tired of waiting and wants me to give her an answer if we can date now or not (which I don't blame her for).

I'll be honest, due to frustrations within my household, I have been demonizing my parents for a while now. I have been very uncommunicative with them, making out their points of view to be old-fashioned, snotty, and overbearing. I even told the girl recently I can't date because of them -- I had made out a monstrous image of them in my head, and now I was using it as an excuse.

I realized this after talking to the girl and her venting her frustrations about my excuse, and I felt compelled to go communicate with my parents more than I have in weeks. I spoke to my dad this morning, who was very willing to talk with me about it and was very gentle and personable in his responses. I felt tears welling up in my eyes -- how could I have come to a point where I was basically filled with such hateful thoughts and energy towards my own loving parents? I praise God for softening my heart enough to get over myself and open myself back up to those who love me and want the best for me.

My dad's answer was still not what I wanted to hear, but it was far from the image of his point of view that I had thought up. And it was comforting because I felt that I had reconnected with him and mended that relationship (I need to do the same with my mother, perhaps more than I needed to with my father). My dad brought up some of his own experiences in his youth, and he thought that this relationship would not be wise to pursue because of the distance between this girl and I (1 hour distance) would ultimately make it not work. I asked him if he would be upset with me if I did so choose to date her, and he said "Well, I think it would be unwise."

I value the opinion of my parents greatly. While I still need to talk to my mother about this (she has her own problems with the relationship), the thought of choosing to do something that my father alone thinks is unwise absolutely kills me. But I also want very much to give this girl a chance -- I actually thought the distance between us was the least of our problems.

This is a difficult decision. I will definitely be in prayer about it, but may I ask you all's advice? Thanks.

TL;DR: Praise God for softening my heart, and I'm seeking advice for this situation where my parents are advising me to get out of relationship. I want to give the relationship a shot, but I also value my parents' opinions greatly. What shall I do?

I told her I needed to focus on me for a while and can't do a relationship right now

You have an answer and gave her the answer .... she is free to date then.

You focus is on "me" and not "we" ... until it would become "we" then there is no commitment.

Remain friends. God Bless.

 

[Trayalc]

Back in the old days, I dated a chick who lived in a town about 45 minutes from where I live. At the time, that wasn't a bug; it was a feature.

To me, living too close to a girlfriend cramped my style. I wanted to be able to go out with my boys without some lame girlfriend coming along and nerding everything up.

Side note: I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder about stuff back then.

Anyway. The point is that a bit of distance between me and the (now ex-) girlfriend was just what the doctor ordered.

Still, your reluctance does intrigue me. Do you really like this girl? The reason I ask is because generally incoming attention from a woman is something most men don't need to think twice about. If a guy is interested, he'll go for it. If he's not, he won't.

She opened her heart to you. If you're totally independent and you're interested in her, who cares what your parents think? There comes a point when their opinions are secondary. Or even tertiary.

But if you're not interested in this girl, you should let her down gently.

Either way, generally parents should not be dictating their children's love lives after their children have become independent.

My definition of "independent" means "Over 18 and living separately from one's parents".

I'm still dependent on my parents (I'm 22 but still living with them and financially dependent), which makes me feel even more inclined to listen to their advice.

I have had uncertainties since the beginning, mainly with the red flags such as her ex-boyfriend still being in the picture and things like that. There was a point where I felt really good about us, but when my mother came to me and begged me to break things off with her, I think at that point I have felt uneasy ever since.

It has just been hard for me to make an objective decision when there has been so many factors in play. I have often wondered "Am I uneasy because I don't actually like her? Or is it because of such and such circumstances?"

 

[blackribbon]

It is possible to love people that are not good for us and aren't good for us to date.

The question should be more along the lines of "why do I want to date this woman?" and "do I see her as someone I believe would make me a Godly wife?"

I don't really believe that you should date someone whom you are their Christian mentor. If the relationship goes south, where will she get her Christian support and advice...she will be alone spiritually as well as relationship-wise...and she is more likely to blame God and lose her new faith.

 

[JohnAshton]

You are a believer and she is not.

There is your answer.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I'm still dependent on my parents (I'm 22 but still living with them and financially dependent), which makes me feel even more inclined to listen to their advice.

I have had uncertainties since the beginning, mainly with the red flags such as her ex-boyfriend still being in the picture and things like that. There was a point where I felt really good about us, but when my mother came to me and begged me to break things off with her, I think at that point I have felt uneasy ever since.

It has just been hard for me to make an objective decision when there has been so many factors in play. I have often wondered "Am I uneasy because I don't actually like her? Or is it because of such and such circumstances?"

She's still in touch with her ex? Yeah, that's not a very good sign. I've dumped girls for a lot less than that. This may not be the best place to tell those stories though.

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

I've been talking to this girl since June, and at one point I told her I needed to focus on me for a while and can't do a relationship right now, as a recent college graduate and heeding my parents' advice (I still live with them). I asked her not to put her life on pause for me, but she said basically said "It's okay, I'll wait for you. You're worth it." Now it's coming down to the wire where she is tired of waiting and wants me to give her an answer if we can date now or not (which I don't blame her for).

I'll be honest, due to frustrations within my household, I have been demonizing my parents for a while now. I have been very uncommunicative with them, making out their points of view to be old-fashioned, snotty, and overbearing. I even told the girl recently I can't date because of them -- I had made out a monstrous image of them in my head, and now I was using it as an excuse.

I realized this after talking to the girl and her venting her frustrations about my excuse, and I felt compelled to go communicate with my parents more than I have in weeks. I spoke to my dad this morning, who was very willing to talk with me about it and was very gentle and personable in his responses. I felt tears welling up in my eyes -- how could I have come to a point where I was basically filled with such hateful thoughts and energy towards my own loving parents? I praise God for softening my heart enough to get over myself and open myself back up to those who love me and want the best for me.

My dad's answer was still not what I wanted to hear, but it was far from the image of his point of view that I had thought up. And it was comforting because I felt that I had reconnected with him and mended that relationship (I need to do the same with my mother, perhaps more than I needed to with my father). My dad brought up some of his own experiences in his youth, and he thought that this relationship would not be wise to pursue because of the distance between this girl and I (1 hour distance) would ultimately make it not work. I asked him if he would be upset with me if I did so choose to date her, and he said "Well, I think it would be unwise."

I value the opinion of my parents greatly. While I still need to talk to my mother about this (she has her own problems with the relationship), the thought of choosing to do something that my father alone thinks is unwise absolutely kills me. But I also want very much to give this girl a chance -- I actually thought the distance between us was the least of our problems.

This is a difficult decision. I will definitely be in prayer about it, but may I ask you all's advice? Thanks.

TL;DR: Praise God for softening my heart, and I'm seeking advice for this situation where my parents are advising me to get out of relationship. I want to give the relationship a shot, but I also value my parents' opinions greatly. What shall I do?

In my experience, every time my family & friends were wary about/disliked my relationship with someone...they were pretty much spot on with their assumptions in the end. Especially if it's coming from my parents. Remember: they've lived a lot longer than you, and more than that, have probably gone through similar if not the same things you have/are currently going through.

Personally, the fact alone that she's still living with her ex boyfriend would be enough to make me abandon ship. Does she not have any family that would take her in, especially if she's living with a toxic, jealous ex? Not trying to plant the seeds of doubt, but you also don't know what's going on between them that she doesn't tell you.

It's great that you've managed to help someone come to God, but chances are she's not going to take Christianity very seriously unless she runs the race on her own. Anyone can convert just to date someone(not saying that's what's going on, but just leaving the notion there). Furthermore, she should be attending a church and communicating with a pastor or elder for spiritual advice. There's nothing wrong with her asking you for advice, but ideally, she should have someone with a lot of experience and biblical knowledge as her spiritual mentor.

Last but not least, remember this; infatuation(the strong feelings you have for someone when you fall in love)has been scientifically proven to last anywhere between a month, to up to 2 years. Think seriously about whether or not this girl is someone you can see yourself within 2 years, when neither of you feels like being corny/lovey, when there are bills to pay and arguments here and there. Can both of you commit to that and pull through?

 

[ajcarey]

Very suspicious things about this:

- She is still in her ex-boyfriend's apartment.

- When you first started talking to her in June she was an unbeliever but now she (says she) is a believer. She also seems to see you as a spiritual mentor.

- Your close friends and mentors, as well as your parents, are advising you to get out of the relationship.

If he is really her "ex"- boyfriend she would surely go just about anywhere to get away from him.

It is hard to believe that this girl cannot get out of her ex-boyfriend's apartment. And "hard to believe" is a generous understatement.

There is strong reason to believe she is saying she is Christian for her relationship with you. At the very best, she is a brand new Christian. And even if the latter is the case, she needs to focus on her relationship with God now without a relationship that she doesn't need to be in getting in the way of that.

Your parents, friends, and mentors who see this much more objectively than you see it are telling you to get out of this. If it were only one saying this or there were mixed opinions among them, then this might be a hard case.

You've really already made it plain what you ought to do. If your parents were godless people who didn't like her because of her overwhelming godliness, it might be different. That doesn't sound like the case at all. They are looking out for you sir. And even second opinions from others in your life, if valued for anything, confirm that. Wisdom's cry is surely a clear one here.

You can send the girl to a godly woman or a godly married couple or simply to a solid church if she really yet wants a spiritual mentor. Leave her to these and to God.​

 

[Trayalc]

In my experience, every time my family & friends were wary about/disliked my relationship with someone...they were pretty much spot on with their assumptions in the end. Especially if it's coming from my parents. Remember: they've lived a lot longer than you, and more than that, have probably gone through similar if not the same things you have/are currently going through.

Personally, the fact alone that she's still living with her ex boyfriend would be enough to make me abandon ship. Does she not have any family that would take her in, especially if she's living with a toxic, jealous ex? Not trying to plant the seeds of doubt, but you also don't know what's going on between them that she doesn't tell you.

It's great that you've managed to help someone come to God, but chances are she's not going to take Christianity very seriously unless she runs the race on her own. Anyone can convert just to date someone(not saying that's what's going on, but just leaving the notion there). Furthermore, she should be attending a church and communicating with a pastor or elder for spiritual advice. There's nothing wrong with her asking you for advice, but ideally, she should have someone with a lot of experience and biblical knowledge as her spiritual mentor.

Last but not least, remember this; infatuation(the strong feelings you have for someone when you fall in love)has been scientifically proven to last anywhere between a month, to up to 2 years. Think seriously about whether or not this girl is someone you can see yourself within 2 years, when neither of you feels like being corny/lovey, when there are bills to pay and arguments here and there. Can both of you commit to that and pull through?

The only nearby family she has are her grandparents, and she has already refused to move in with them. She unfortunately came up in a broken family from what I know. While I was wary at first of her being in the same apartment as her ex boyfriend, I do believe she has proven to be trustworthy and loyal to me (this is, of course, just judging from what I've observed through her text / call behavior). I also trust that her conversion to Christianity is legitimate, although I agree with you that it's not necessarily good for me to be her main spiritual mentor. I started thinking, though - isn't the biblical view that men are to be the leader of a household? Does that extend to being the spiritual head of the household?

 

[Sketcher]

Also, some background on the girl and I:
She was a nonbeliever when we started talking, and now she is a believer. She sees me as a spiritual mentor, and we have grown very close over these last 5 months.

That's good, but is she involved with a church? Does she have Christian women in her life (young or old) who are pouring into her, that she is friends with?

She is still in college an hour away, and I am recently graduated and still trying to figure out my next steps.

An hour away might work, if you both want to make it work. I have heard it said that if you're always going to see her, but she's never coming to see you, that's a bad sign. If you date, bear that in mind.

(1) She is still living with her ex-boyfriend, who is very jealous of me and is often very toxic towards her. She is trying to get out of that apartment.

How long have they been broken up? Where has she been sleeping since?

(2) It makes me uneasy to know not only my parents but also my other close friends and mentors have been saying I should probably not move forward with this relationship, stating she does not seem like she is ready for a serious relationship and that she seems to be relying too much on me.

That's a bad sign. What have you told them that you haven't told us?

The only nearby family she has are her grandparents, and she has already refused to move in with them. She unfortunately came up in a broken family from what I know.

Yikes. How bad do her grandparents have to be if her toxic ex seems better to live with than they are?

I also trust that her conversion to Christianity is legitimate, although I agree with you that it's not necessarily good for me to be her main spiritual mentor. I started thinking, though - isn't the biblical view that men are to be the leader of a household? Does that extend to being the spiritual head of the household?

It does extend to being the spiritual head of the household. She's not in your household yet. Do not take ownership of her faith, she needs to own it. Do lead by example and by setting precedents.

 

[theoneandonlypencil]

The only nearby family she has are her grandparents, and she has already refused to move in with them. She unfortunately came up in a broken family from what I know. While I was wary at first of her being in the same apartment as her ex boyfriend, I do believe she has proven to be trustworthy and loyal to me (this is, of course, just judging from what I've observed through her text / call behavior). I also trust that her conversion to Christianity is legitimate, although I agree with you that it's not necessarily good for me to be her main spiritual mentor. I started thinking, though - isn't the biblical view that men are to be the leader of a household? Does that extend to being the spiritual head of the household?

I agree with @Sketcher . How bad are her grandparents if she would rather live with a toxic ex?

Be careful you're not viewing things through 'rose-tinted glasses', so to speak. Love does weird things to us human beings, and it can sometimes stop you from seeing what is obvious to others. I still say that her living with her ex is a big red flag. If they did have something going on, too, I can guarantee you that you probably won't find out until it's too late. I don't say this to be harsh, but I myself have had a lot of experiences in dating where I 'reasoned' myself into thinking that I was blowing things out of proportion and minimalized the red flags that were there.

And while yes the man is the spiritual head of the household, you both aren't married yet. You are not her husband.

 

[tturt]

You've gotten some great advice here.

First, you need to repent for the hard feelings you have towards your parents. That's blocking some of what's being said to you.

If you were worth the wait earlier - then 6 mon is nothing.

 

[bèlla]

Greetings,

Given your comments it’s probable she lacks the resources to live on her own. Especially being in school. If she moves out where will she go?

I think its prudent to help her get plugged into a church and connected with godly women first. She needs a solid foundation in faith and life. You can’t be her knight in shining armor or a crutch. She has to stand on her own.

For the moment, befriending her is best. She’s lacking stability and having it will put less pressure on your relationship. You both may feel differently in a few months.

~Bella

 

[LoricaLady]

I have no way to know if the girl is the one the Father will want you to marry or not. But whomever you do marry should become more important to you than your parents, after that time. You must put her first in your life, well, 2nd, below the Heavenly Father.

Ephesians 5:31
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

 

[Tolworth John]

You live at home and are dependant on your parents.
By your own admission you let emotions cloud your judgement, re your view of your parents.
How do you know your emotions are not distorting your feelings for this girl?

Listen to your Father, remain friends with her, provide spiritual support but that is it.

read this article why you should drop her:-
New study: virgins have happiest marriages, more sex partners means more unhappiness