Parenting Advice

[Inkachu]

Yup, sometimes the advisor needs advice, too

As many of you know, I have a 12 year old son. He is generally an awesome kid, friendly, polite, outgoing, smart, creative, loving, funny. One area that he's always struggled with is self-accountability. That is, taking responsibility for his mistakes and learning from them. He's also developed a sneaky streak, which is the most worrying of all to me, because it hints at deception, lying, etc.

So anywho, recently (the past six months to a year, maybe) we've had a recurring issue of him misusing the computers in the house. He used to have a computer in his room (closely monitored), but we found him using it for games instead of homework, or using it at times when he wasn't allowed, etc. So he lost his computer. Then we started catching him sneaking onto my or my husband's computers without permission (like in the middle of the night) to play games and stuff. Every time we've caught him, he's been disciplined, talked to, made to apologize, etc. Time goes by, he seems to be doing good, and we start to feel proud of his progress, and then... it happens again. And we're devastated. This has happened so many times now, I've lost count. My son is extremely computer-savvy, he knows how to bypass passwords and change security settings. My husband works from home via his computer, so we can't just shut down or get rid of our computers. We've talked to our son till we're blue in the face. We've taken things away. We've grounded him. We've done everything short of locking him in a dungeon with snakes and rats. When I asked him WHY this last time (which was last night), he says he's tempted and he just does it. I tried to get him to tell me what he was thinking or how he was rationalizing his actions, and he couldn't really give me an answer. I know that it might be hard for a 12 year old to put his thoughts and feelings into words, but it's sooooooo frustrating. And of course, all my husband and I can do is change our passwords... again.

It's so hard to balance the hurt and betrayal we feel, with all the GOOD behavior that our son does. He is overall a wonderful, great kid. And he'd been doing really well with his overall behavior (chores, homework, grades). But at this point, what can we do? He's about to become a teenager and a young man, we can't just slap his hand and say "no" and expect that to sink in. Should we treat this as a minor setback? Should we come down even harder because it's happened multiple times in the past?

If anyone has creative suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Especially if you've ever had a sneaky, thick-skulled 12 year old. And any prayers you could offer for us would be greatly appreciated as well

 

[Spunkn]

Sounds like something maybe bothering him at school, that he doesn't want to think about homework, or going to sleep, so the next day comes and he has to go to school. So he'll even wake up at night, to go play games so that he doesn't have to deal with morning coming to go to school.

That's just a wild guess, and it's something I used to struggle with. I hated school, even though I never really talked to my parents about what went on there. So I'd stay up late playing video games.

Kind of a funny story off topic, but my parents had the computer out in the living room. So I would sneak out there after they went to bed, unplug everything, drag it all back to my room slowly, because we had "creaky" floors that made noises so I had to be very careful. Eventually I learned where to put each step so as not to make noises. Then I'd setup the computer on my bed, and put a blanket over my head to cover the light. I used the excuse of sleeping with a fan to cover extra noise. Then when it started getting light outside, I would shut it down, unplug it all again, drag it back to the living room and set it all up again just as nothing had ever taken place.

It took them a while to catch me doing that. Kids are crafty sometimes.

Maybe try and ask more questions about what's going on in his life. Not specifically when he sneaks over to go to the computer, but during the rest of the day, during school etc.

Perhaps something there will pop out that seems like an issue that isn't being dealt with.

Just food for thought, I'm by no means an expert on kids, and it's just a guess.

 

[Inkachu]

Spunk, thanks for your reply I love the story of you sneaking the computer around the house lol. That's soooo much like my son, I can almost see him doing that lol. And there's always something good to come from spending more time talking to him and encouraging him to open up about his life overall. Thanks again.

 

[sunlit]

hi,
You did mention that your child is very computer savvy.Can he find a way to bypass a blanket blocking of all his favorite sites and related ones on the desk tops?
You may need to confiscate his gaming CDs too.
You could let him access his gaming sites on say a laptop when he is allowed to and then lock it away.
Dont know if this helps!
And yes, more one to one communication&prayer.

 

[homeofmew]

Well he on there playing games so what?
I mean whats the harm in a little gaming.
He will be 13 soon and will not have to worry about COPPA.

 

[Inkachu]

hi,
You did mention that your child is very computer savvy.Can he find a way to bypass a blanket blocking of all his favorite sites and related ones on the desk tops?
You may need to confiscate his gaming CDs too.
You could let him access his gaming sites on say a laptop when he is allowed to and then lock it away.
Dont know if this helps!
And yes, more one to one communication&prayer.

Well, he's been grounded from gaming completely for a while now. He doesn't have any gaming CD's, it all online games. We tried giving him limited access to his own computer, and he was still misusing it. Thanks for your reply

Well he on there playing games so what?
I mean whats the harm in a little gaming.
He will be 13 soon and will not have to worry about COPPA.

The harm isn't in the games, it's in the lying and disobedience. He was given an allotted time to play games, and an allotted time to do homework or project research; we caught him playing games during homework time, lying about it, and trying to sneak around the rules we'd set. That's the problem.

 

[Aibrean]

Use your router (make sure the admin password is not easy to crack) to block sites and restrict access at certain times. If your router currently doesn't do this, get one that does.

See: Parental Controls and http://support.linksys.com/en-us/support/valet/CCSV

 

[Spunkn]

Rules are great, and having restrictions are good too. However, computer games, or whatever troubles kids get into are only the symptom. It's not the cause of the problem, especially if he's proven himself to be a great kid in other areas.

I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel there's a different issue going on here. Something that he hasn't told his parents. My guess would still be troubles at school, whether with other kids or whatever. There's a huge amount of pressure on kid's today in a variety of ways. Stress that will make you want to break the rules, in order to catch a break.

As Celtic has mentioned, he seems to normally behave. But something is driving him to do things he normally doesn't do. Lie and sneak around in order to play those games. There's another motive there besides just "getting away with it".

Just my thoughts though.

 

[BFine]

Your son is hooked on gaming.

A few Warning signs:
A preoccupation with gaming
Lying or hiding gaming use
Disobedience at time limits
Social withdrawal from family and friends

Does your child have outside interests and friends who
aren't "into" online gaming?

When your child is home, what do you all do together as a family?
/How are family relations/interactions?

 

[Inkachu]

Use your router (make sure the admin password is not easy to crack) to block sites and restrict access at certain times. If your router currently doesn't do this, get one that does.

See: Parental Controls and Cisco Connect Software Support

My husband is a computer guru, but his computer has to be up and running 24/7 because of the work he does (and because our household movies and TV shows run from a computer server, we don't have cable). If my son is bypassing my husband's passwords, there's no way for the computer to "recognize" that it's my son on there. We have individual accounts for my son, but he's figured out ways to get around that, and to use our computers as if he were one of us. Like I said, all we can do is change our passwords... again lol. The only way he can get around that is to somehow watch one of us type in our passwords (which he's done before), or sneak onto one of our computers when we aren't looking (like if we get up from a computer, go to the bathroom, and don't lock our computers, he only needs a minute or two to change the security settings to bypass the password and log himself on anytime he wants), so we both need to lock our PC's more vigilantly as well. I do have to admire his computer skills, he'd make a great hacker.

Rules are great, and having restrictions are good too. However, computer games, or whatever troubles kids get into are only the symptom. It's not the cause of the problem, especially if he's proven himself to be a great kid in other areas.

I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel there's a different issue going on here. Something that he hasn't told his parents. My guess would still be troubles at school, whether with other kids or whatever. There's a huge amount of pressure on kid's today in a variety of ways. Stress that will make you want to break the rules, in order to catch a break.

As Celtic has mentioned, he seems to normally behave. But something is driving him to do things he normally doesn't do. Lie and sneak around in order to play those games. There's another motive there besides just "getting away with it".

Just my thoughts though.

I agree. There have been a lot of big changes in his life (and all our lives) within the past year or two, plus he's coming into his pre-teen days, and the "limit pushing" has begun in full force. I think he may feel a bit ignored at times, and this may be where he's turned for comfort. My husband and I are both introverts, we love alone time, we love quiet, we aren't big talkers or socializers. My son, by contrast, is an extrovert who craves social interaction and conversation. So it's easy sometimes for my husband and I to be completely content, just sitting and doing something quietly, and not realize my son may be off on his own feeling lonely. We really do need to put more effort into engaging him in family activities; even if WE don't feel the need for it, he really does need it. We do a lot together; we have family dinners, we have family Bible/prayer times each day, we just got back from a family vacation. But maybe it's not enough. Maybe we need to cater to his social personality just a little bit more.

Your son is hooked on gaming.

A few Warning signs:
A preoccupation with gaming
Lying or hiding gaming use
Disobedience at time limits
Social withdrawal from family and friends

Does your child have outside interests and friends who
aren't "into" online gaming?

When your child is home, what do you all do together as a family?
/How are family relations/interactions?

He's definitely hooked on gaming. He's not socially withdrawn, he's uber-social. But he may not feel like he's getting all the attention he wants and needs, and that's causing him to act out? See my reply above about what we do as a family at home.

Thanks for the replies, everyone! I've been talking with my husband and mom throughout the day as well, and feel much better and less upset than I was this morning.

 

[BFine]

I believe that you have stumbled upon something-- funny how writing things
out one can answer their own question!

Children need one on one time with their parent/parents...quality time
spent with my mom is still precious to me, even as a mature adult.

 

[Inkachu]

It's true, BFine. I've found that taking some time to calm down, praying, and talking to trusted friends and family is usually the best way to handle a crisis. As much as our human nature wants to react with anger, we need to look for the source of the behavior, not just crack down on it in a fit of rage, you know? We have a very good, loving kid who's struggling with sin... beating him over the head isn't going to fix that. We've already handed down some pretty severe consequences, yet this recurrence shows he needs more HELP, not more punishment. My hubby and I are going to do some serious praying alone together, and with our son, and probably also do some fasting. This little dude is God's child, and Satan can't have him!

 

[Aibrean]

My husband is a computer guru, but his computer has to be up and running 24/7 because of the work he does (and because our household movies and TV shows run from a computer server, we don't have cable). If my son is bypassing my husband's passwords, there's no way for the computer to "recognize" that it's my son on there. We have individual accounts for my son, but he's figured out ways to get around that, and to use our computers as if he were one of us. Like I said, all we can do is change our passwords... again lol. The only way he can get around that is to somehow watch one of us type in our passwords (which he's done before), or sneak onto one of our computers when we aren't looking (like if we get up from a computer, go to the bathroom, and don't lock our computers, he only needs a minute or two to change the security settings to bypass the password and log himself on anytime he wants), so we both need to lock our PC's more vigilantly as well. I do have to admire his computer skills, he'd make a great hacker.

How do you access the internet? If you aren't on dialup and you have multiple computers, you have a router (most likely) and if not, get one. The router is network-wide so changing controls on it affects any device connected to it. It has nothing to do with individual computer security settings because it's done on a network level.

 

[Inkachu]

.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

Ooh, ooh, ooh! I used to be like that! And I know the perfect cure:

Ground him from it.

Even if he throws a hissy fit, stand your ground! Or keep strict rules. Like maybe an hour weekdays and two on weekends. Or however long you think would be fit.

And if he doesn't like to read already, get him a book. Books are wonderful things, and in my opinion, they trump computers any day. Get him hooked on reading! Or let him invite friends over or go over to a friends, so he can have social interactions when you guys wish for quietness.

Have him join a club or form a study group, even.

He is also a pre-teen, nearly teen, and they tend to be rebellious, so I wish you luck.

 

[stormdancer0]

My husband is a grade-A hacker turned computer instructor. We had problems with my adult son getting on inappropriate content at night. We had a wired internet server, with my husband's computer being the main one. My son is better at the hacking than my husband, and I got so tired of arguing, I took wire cutters and cut the wire into about ten pieces.

If your son is not on inappropriate content, your problem is not as bad as I thought when I clicked on the link and started reading.

The best way to fix this problem? Get a locked file cabinet. Every night, lock up the keyboard and mouse. Or, if you have a flat screen, lock up the monitor. The computer still works perfectly for connections after work hours.

 

[TheDag]

It may seem old fashioned but router without wireless can be great in this regard. other options include removing essential computer cables. Remove the keyboard and/or mouse. perhaps something you can lock those away in. as your husband needs computer running 24/7 then is it posdible to put a locked door on the room his computer is in? otherwise being more vigilant about locking the computers.

Of course the underlying problem needs to be dealt with. what that is i do not know. I also don't have advice on how to deal with gaming when he should be doing homework. I know sitting there watching is often not practical.

 

[Inkachu]

Ooh, ooh, ooh! I used to be like that! And I know the perfect cure:

Ground him from it.

Even if he throws a hissy fit, stand your ground! Or keep strict rules. Like maybe an hour weekdays and two on weekends. Or however long you think would be fit.

And if he doesn't like to read already, get him a book. Books are wonderful things, and in my opinion, they trump computers any day. Get him hooked on reading! Or let him invite friends over or go over to a friends, so he can have social interactions when you guys wish for quietness.

Have him join a club or form a study group, even.

He is also a pre-teen, nearly teen, and they tend to be rebellious, so I wish you luck.

Oh darlin, he's been grounded from recreational computer use for months now lol. He's only been allowed to use either my or my husband's computer for homework or studying (preferably with someone standing beside him the whole time).

He's not a big reader. You can't get ALL kids "hooked" on reading if it's just not their thing. He's got excellent reading skills, and he'll read about something that interests him, but he won't spend hours with a book.

A few of his friends are part of the problem, I believe. It's been difficult to recognize that the cute little buddies he had in kindergarten are now pre-teens themselves, and some of their parents are very "hands off" and let their boys do just about anything they want. We know for a fact that some of these kids have been doing things on their own home computers that we would not allow in our house. And of course, my son wants to be liked and stay on good terms with his old friends, so he feels pressure to do what they do. It's really sad that we now have to limit his time with friends he's had all his life, but his welfare does come first.

He's already in several clubs at school (band, chorus), and is involved in youth group at church.

My husband is a grade-A hacker turned computer instructor. We had problems with my adult son getting on inappropriate content at night. We had a wired internet server, with my husband's computer being the main one. My son is better at the hacking than my husband, and I got so tired of arguing, I took wire cutters and cut the wire into about ten pieces.

If your son is not on inappropriate content, your problem is not as bad as I thought when I clicked on the link and started reading.

The best way to fix this problem? Get a locked file cabinet. Every night, lock up the keyboard and mouse. Or, if you have a flat screen, lock up the monitor. The computer still works perfectly for connections after work hours.

Oh heck no, there's no inappropriate content going on, thank God. My son is still in the "girls are gross and I'm never getting married" phase, which is fine with me Also, I love the fact that you got fed up enough to take action with your family! Locking up all the keyboards and mice (?) at night is a good idea, but I don't think we have a place we could put them... at least not right now.

It may seem old fashioned but router without wireless can be great in this regard. other options include removing essential computer cables. Remove the keyboard and/or mouse. perhaps something you can lock those away in. as your husband needs computer running 24/7 then is it posdible to put a locked door on the room his computer is in? otherwise being more vigilant about locking the computers.

Of course the underlying problem needs to be dealt with. what that is i do not know. I also don't have advice on how to deal with gaming when he should be doing homework. I know sitting there watching is often not practical.

Well, there have been times where I've either stood over him while he did homework (he really doesn't seem to mind) or given him a short time period to finish it (like 10 minutes) so he wouldn't have time - practically speaking - to mess around with anything else.


Thanks again for all the responses. We did a lot of praying and talking last night. My son even called me before I got off work (his grandma picked him up from school yesterday) and told me that he was going to change and be a better person. I've heard such promises before, but it was still very sweet and touching. He was so afraid that we were going to drop some horrific punishment on his head lol. We DO need to discipline him because of this, but since he's already grounded off the computer, there's not much else to do, except things like no visiting friends, no TV. We've already reset our passwords again, and my husband has a program that can show him all the activity on all the computers, and he'll be checking that regularly. I think the key is going to be better communication and more one-on-one attention for right now, as well as praying specifically for him in this area. He said his grandma had already prayed with him, and I told him he needs to pray himself as well, and he promised he would.

 

[TheDag]

sounds promising and I wish you all the best Celtic Heart

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I'm in no place to give parenting advice, but I was wondering - can you set up any computers you have in your bedroom? I don't see him being able to sneak in THERE at night to get online