Overprotective Parents

[guitarintro]

I really feel I need to discuss this with someone, because I am starting to get really frustrated. My parents have been very overprotective and I am starting to feel this is doing more harm to me than good. I look at my brother who is 37 and he can't really make any decisions on his own without the approval of my mom. In fact, to this day, mom still has rules for my brother and his wife. As a result, my brother does not have high self-esteem.

I understand they are overprotective because they care and are loving (and I am thankful for this), but I feel there needs to be some sort of balance where independence is encouraged.

At the age of 24, I am starting to feel the effects of being 'babied' too much. I have developed OCD and sometimes I fear a lot of things that are plain silly. I go to my mom to reinforce my beliefs and the past few years, I have been quite anxious. There's a lot of things I doubt in life now, because I am afraid of my mom saying "I told you so".

When I go out with friends on the weekend, they constantly call my phone and leave messages and it irritates me a lot. I can't seem to enjoy the company of my friends and I have to constantly worry about my parents' worry. Sometimes I don't even go out with anyone on the weekend and just stay home to avoid the frustration of explaining every detail.

I do not do drugs. I never got drunk before. I did not have premarital sex with anyone. I never fought a stranger. I never got arrested before. All my friends (Christian and non-Christian) have an education and are civilized people with good morals and yet my parents can't seem to trust me at all and this is driving me into rebellion-something I do not want.

I feel this is really damaging our relationship because there is simply no trust. It gets to the point where every time my parents talk to me, I am being interrogated. Right now, it seems like I can't even pick my own church to go to and they are making me feel very guilty for not going to their church-even though both churches are of the same faith!

I have no idea where to go from now. I am afraid of failure, afraid of illness, because if I was on my own, I am not sure how I can take care of myself. Yet..I am aware I need to know how to take care of myself, but the over-protectiveness of my parents is really making my doubt my own abilities and independence. What can I do to communicate with them and to 'grow up'?

 

[hedrick]

At some point you're going to have to say no. Are you living with your parents? If so, can you find a way to live somewhere else?

 

[guitarintro]

Thanks for the reply. I currently live with my parents. I haven't seriously thought about moving out yet. I mean, I love my parents, but I just want to communicate with them and make things more understandable.

 

[john2190]

Hey, honestly you sound SO MUCH like me. I'm a bit older than you, at 28 now but I'm living at home too and when I was younger and even now to some extent I was over-protected exactly like you were. You know in some ways, it's consoling to know that there is someone else out there who has had this experience, it's made me feel less alone and hopefully it should make you feel it too.

Like you as a Christian who has been brought up in church his whole life, I have never got into drugs, never touched a cigarette, never had sex despite having girlfriends in the past, never got into any kind of trouble whatsoever and yet my parents still treated me like a disabled child and were very over-protective. There is, as I'm sure you know, awful consequences to this kind of upbringing and behavior, sadly some of which I'm living right now.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I haven't been able to get a full time job, ever, because I can't seem to find something I really enjoy and have passion for. The only jobs I did were temp, short term jobs which I got so bored of. Now I'm just living at home with my parents who I didn't really talk to and feeling suicidal to be honest. I feel like my life has come to nothing and I've achieved nothing. AND I think alot of that has to do with the fact of being overprotected...definitely.

As you said yourself - "the over-protectiveness of my parents is really making my doubt my own abilities and independence." That is true I believe, it's like it gives you a complex almost implying that you can't handle life on your own, you always need help from others i.e. your parents. Part of becoming an adult is getting to know what you want and being able to do it, making your own decisions and believing your own morals and having your own values and so on. When people like us have had parents like ours it creates this stuckness which can be very difficult to get out of.

But having said all this, I am determined to break out of this and become the independent adult man that I should be. And you should be too, you have at least a good few years on me, you still have plenty of time. I would love to keep talking and corresponding with you if that's helps.

 

[Mela Monkey]

Have you ever directly told them how you feel about the way they treat you? Communication is very important in any kind of relationship.

 

[manillabar]

so i read what you had to say and thought "oh wow! he's just like me!" I'm 23 years old and my parents are the same way... i honestly feel like they may be the most overprotective parents in the world. My mom is currently freaking out because my sister (who is 25) just pierced her ears. My parents don't like pierced ears so they never pierced our ears (mine and all my sisters'), and now for my mom it's this big affront that my sister chose to pierce her ears in spite of how she and my dad feel about it... anyway, not to make the story about me, but just to say i know how you feel. anytime i do *anything* i worry about how my parents will take it and i often do not do things because i'd rather not rock the boat and get into it with them...

I went to college and now grad school a state away so that at least my day to day decisions can be just for me, but i still feel their reach, haha. And i'm grateful to them, I know they love me and are doing their best by me and when i was younger they saved me from being exposed to a lot of bad stuff but now I am grown and they have to trust that they raise me right, you know? It's hard but I think it's time for us to be honest and lovingly express our own opinions. I'm not gonna lie though... that thought freaks me out a little maybe we need a support group haha

 

[manillabar]

it also doesn't help that last time i tried to stand up to my parents it was in defense of my boyfriend who the same week broke up with me for someone else... she was kind enough not to say "i told you so" but i feel like it only makes them feel like they were right, you know? even though, at my age, these are still my mistakes to make...

 

[guitarintro]

Sorry for the late reply. I haven't really been able to discuss this in detail with my parents, but I think they realized my frustration over the past few weeks. They still ask me to tell them where I am going-which is fine-and they haven't really called my phone as much. However, I still feel they don't really trust me and I am not really sure how I can prove that I am a trustworthy and responsible individual to them.

How are you all coping with this? How do you plan to 'break free'? This doubt is very dangerous.

 

[TheGreenUke]

I know this is an old thread but the original post is something I could have written.

From a young age I was protected often to the point of being smothered and told pretty much what to do, say and think. I couldn't do anything that wasn't on the 'approved' list and whilst this included some bad things such as drinking and smoking, this also included some things I wanted to do such as music.
The result was that I constantly changed my ideas to please others and couldn't take any pleasure in doing things that I wanted simply for the pure pleasure of it. I also had a tendency to commit to things long after I'd grown bored of them or didn't want to do them.

Bearing in mind I was 17 before drinking ANY alcohol. smoked probably one cigarette in my entire life, got pretty good grades and kept good friends, this seemed to just make it worse.

Going to university was the big turning point for me in that it allowed me to try things and if I didn't want to do them, or I wasn't any good at them, I could simply walk away and try something else.

I can tell you that the psychological effects aren't going to suddenly go away one day when circumstances change. I'm still recovering even now and I feel incredibly guilty about it a lot.

 

[LoveOvercomes]

Wow.....My parents are very overprotective too, and I'm sorry to hear of what you have gone through and/or continue to go through (as well as those of you who replied to this post). Please bear with me, as I know this is going to be pretty long lol, but I am about to go insane as we speak!!! I need to vent.

I love my parents very much and, as you said, I know they only are trying to do what they think is best for me. But in reality, they are only holding me back and smothering me. My self-esteem is very low and I cannot hardly think, breathe, or do anything without being yelled at or treated like a little kid.

I am 21 years old....an only child (which makes it worse)...I attended a community college for a few semesters, then found out I had no desire to continue in the field I was in (which is basically the same area of study my mom works in now), so I stopped in order to do some research or job-shadow people and not waste their money and my time. I have several interests in different things but have found nothing that I feel I will enjoy, especially because I can't present my ideas to my parents without them being shut down because "I won't make enough money in that field" or "I won't be happy & will not be able to retire early" as they say. I understand what they are saying BUT my personal preference (me, not them) would be to work at a place where I would be happy, even if it takes me longer to retire and it's not a wonderful paying job. All I want is to live with my husband one day in a decent sized house, etc.

OK.....So, anyway.....My situation now is I am still living with my parents, being yelled at and interrogated by my every move or attempt to be independent and take care of things on my own. It is impossible living with parents like that to feel satisfied in your own decisions...because, in the end, your parents are going to make you change your mind anyway--it's never good enough and they don't want you to make mistakes. So therefore, I have a fear of failure and I hardly have any clue as to what I want to do for a career. My thoughts are, however, to get a job to gain experience out in the world (as I have never had...not even socially with friends....I am struggling now with begging them to let me drive on the interstate!!!!).....I can always go back to school.

Getting outside of these four walls and meeting new people, you never know what God may bring your way. A career that I never heard of or thought about could present itself. I want to live by FAITH...not by my works or effort of searching on the computer all the time for that "perfect career" my parents seem to think I am going to find soon. All it is is a matter of CONTROL. Especially with my mom...And what also makes things worse is that their marriage is very unhappy.

I am moving out within a year. No matter what it takes. I have had it. I'm not a spoiled brat. I have never chosen to do drugs or anything of that nature. I'm a virgin and plan to stay that way until married as God would have it. I am a Christian young lady who wishes to live for the Lord, always striving to do better, and spread love to everyone. All I want is some peace and independence!! It's such a shame I have to "rebel" and go against their wishes of me staying at home & going to college for four years. Then maybe I can move out and get married. That is not how I want my life to be. I cannot take it anymore. I need out now. I have hardly had ANY social experience in my lifetime. I do not want to spend my twenties still cooped up in my parents home and not being able to have any freedom and live my life as ME. I just want to be me with CONFIDENCE! I just want to BALANCE my life. There is a time for work. There is a time for play. Everything in life has its place and I want to find mine and put God first. I feel that I can not give Him my all by living with my parents. Their negativity is bringing me down. It's time to move on, and when I move out they are going to realize (hopefully) that they were wrong.

 

[LoveOvercomes]

However, I still feel they don't really trust me and I am not really sure how I can prove that I am a trustworthy and responsible individual to them.

How are you all coping with this? How do you plan to 'break free'? This doubt is very dangerous.

Same here. I am 21 and I am just now being allowed to drive on the interstate!! They are so scared even though I am a great driver. That is just one example of probably a thousand I could name. I have to call them every time exactly when I leave or get to a place. I have a curfew of 9:30 (10:00 on Fridays)...And I can hardly breathe. Yes, I understand I am a female and it's more likely if I broke down or something that maybe there is a possibility I may be raped or shot or anything..!! But goodness....have a little faith! ya know? There is a possibility a million things could happen to me in my lifetime. But if someone is completely cautious & over-thinking everything and living my life in fear, they will never have a life! I do not plan to live that way.

I am planning to move out of my parents' home soon (well, within a year if I can get a job and save up money). I plan to move in with my friend and maybe one other person in order to be able to pay expenses/rent. Hope things are better for you!

 

[TanteBelle]

I really feel I need to discuss this with someone, because I am starting to get really frustrated. My parents have been very overprotective and I am starting to feel this is doing more harm to me than good. I look at my brother who is 37 and he can't really make any decisions on his own without the approval of my mom. In fact, to this day, mom still has rules for my brother and his wife. As a result, my brother does not have high self-esteem.

I understand they are overprotective because they care and are loving (and I am thankful for this), but I feel there needs to be some sort of balance where independence is encouraged.

At the age of 24, I am starting to feel the effects of being 'babied' too much. I have developed OCD and sometimes I fear a lot of things that are plain silly. I go to my mom to reinforce my beliefs and the past few years, I have been quite anxious. There's a lot of things I doubt in life now, because I am afraid of my mom saying "I told you so".

When I go out with friends on the weekend, they constantly call my phone and leave messages and it irritates me a lot. I can't seem to enjoy the company of my friends and I have to constantly worry about my parents' worry. Sometimes I don't even go out with anyone on the weekend and just stay home to avoid the frustration of explaining every detail.

I do not do drugs. I never got drunk before. I did not have premarital sex with anyone. I never fought a stranger. I never got arrested before. All my friends (Christian and non-Christian) have an education and are civilized people with good morals and yet my parents can't seem to trust me at all and this is driving me into rebellion-something I do not want.

I feel this is really damaging our relationship because there is simply no trust. It gets to the point where every time my parents talk to me, I am being interrogated. Right now, it seems like I can't even pick my own church to go to and they are making me feel very guilty for not going to their church-even though both churches are of the same faith!

I have no idea where to go from now. I am afraid of failure, afraid of illness, because if I was on my own, I am not sure how I can take care of myself. Yet..I am aware I need to know how to take care of myself, but the over-protectiveness of my parents is really making my doubt my own abilities and independence. What can I do to communicate with them and to 'grow up'?

Hey, honestly you sound SO MUCH like me. I'm a bit older than you, at 28 now but I'm living at home too and when I was younger and even now to some extent I was over-protected exactly like you were. You know in some ways, it's consoling to know that there is someone else out there who has had this experience, it's made me feel less alone and hopefully it should make you feel it too.

Like you as a Christian who has been brought up in church his whole life, I have never got into drugs, never touched a cigarette, never had sex despite having girlfriends in the past, never got into any kind of trouble whatsoever and yet my parents still treated me like a disabled child and were very over-protective. There is, as I'm sure you know, awful consequences to this kind of upbringing and behavior, sadly some of which I'm living right now.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I haven't been able to get a full time job, ever, because I can't seem to find something I really enjoy and have passion for. The only jobs I did were temp, short term jobs which I got so bored of. Now I'm just living at home with my parents who I didn't really talk to and feeling suicidal to be honest. I feel like my life has come to nothing and I've achieved nothing. AND I think alot of that has to do with the fact of being overprotected...definitely.

As you said yourself - "the over-protectiveness of my parents is really making my doubt my own abilities and independence." That is true I believe, it's like it gives you a complex almost implying that you can't handle life on your own, you always need help from others i.e. your parents. Part of becoming an adult is getting to know what you want and being able to do it, making your own decisions and believing your own morals and having your own values and so on. When people like us have had parents like ours it creates this stuckness which can be very difficult to get out of.

But having said all this, I am determined to break out of this and become the independent adult man that I should be. And you should be too, you have at least a good few years on me, you still have plenty of time. I would love to keep talking and corresponding with you if that's helps.

Oh smokey dawson!!!! Wow! You two blokes, totally know everything that you mentioned in those posts!!! EVERYTHING!

I grew up with very protective parents. After years of 'musical churches' (jumping from one church to another), my folks started a home church. I home-schooled from 10th grade onward, worked in my father's business ... whatever I wanted to do, I had to do it when/if my father said I could. My world revolves around what he wants first. I wouldn't mind this so much if it weren't for the fact that I have no idea who I am or what I'm capable of, I have zero confidence in myself, I'm trying to find my talents, I fear the outside world, have no idea how to relate to grownups or the world in general. I'm so nervous whenever I have to sign a document in a place outside the home that I literally shake! Nurses and secretaries see me shaking, so they are always as helpful as they can be to me, but it is very embarrassing. I have 3 older siblings who are now married and 'got out' and all they want me to do is 'get out' as well. But because I don't know how to survive the outside world, I can't just get thrown out there. I don't know how to do the most basic operations in the world. I fear staying but I also fear leaving. My family are all I have in this world. And I'm not a bloke, so with what my father believes in regards to faith, life is more strict for a woman. I've been told by folks that my entire view on people, life, and the world, are totally warped and wrong. I have no idea. I've never dated and don't have any desire to as I have absolutely zero trust in anybody and I know that I fear many things. I know suicide well! And I know what it is to be so lost that you have no passion for anything at all, let alone living.

My father is changing slowly due to life showing him some reality. For example, I'm about to go travelling without either of my parents being with me for the first time in my life. Though he's trying to open possibilities to me and let go a little, I'm more afraid than ever. And more confused than ever. Because part of him just wants to throw me out into the world and he expects me to survive. But at the same time, I know that he still wants me to stay. He doesn't understand at all though he tries to say that he does. He lived a totally different life; 'normal' if that's the word. So, he is totally unaware of what his upbringing of us has done to his kids. I love my parents as I know that they had amazing intentions .... but perhaps not the best way to go about achieving those intentions.

I wish I could rep you two but the 'rep button' is not activated here. :/

 

[believing]

I have overprotective parents too. Also my older brother is protective. I'm 30 now and married but didn't move out from my parents' house 'till a few years ago. It was a struggle living with them. Things are getting a little better but I know they still try to control my life, I'm trying to give them boundaries though it's not easy. I was feeling very depressed when I was dealing with the problems I was having with my parents. Nowadays, I just pray for things to keep getting better. Keep trying to communicate your feelings to your parents. Try to move out, that would be a good step. I really hope things get better for you, I know how you feel and how hard it is dealing with overprotective parents. God bless and hugs to you.

 

[lunalotte1188]

Wow. Reading some of these kinda feels like reading my life story. I'm 24 and I feel more like a teenager now than when I was actually a teenager (which was when I still felt like a child). It was only a year ago when I was finally allowed to drive to places independently, without a parent sitting next to me. And yes, I currently live with my parents because I'm attending grad school near home.

Maybe it's because I just mature later, or don't have as strong a drive in life. I wish I could find a job in a field that I am passionate about. I do hope to move to Boston someday, where most of my college friends are now.

 

[TanteBelle]

Yes, definitely! I'm far more at touch with my inner child and far more 'innocent' than I was when I was an actual teenager! But I have to say, I rather prefer my personal character now than when I was a teen.

 

[VictoriasImage77]

I had extremely overprotective parents growing up and I HATED it. I have some lasting psychological effects from it as well, although I don't like to blame my parents for my issues.

They were just trying to look out for me the best they knew how and I cannot fault them for that. Looking back, I don't blame them for the things they got upset about or would not let me do, etc. My father was a rebel-rouser growing up (although in a different world) so he knew what I was capable of. My mother on the other hand was well-behaved. I have a rebellious spirit and they learned quickly that telling me I couldn't do something was almost like guaranteeing that I would in fact do that. They were intelligent enough to hover without putting absolute restrictions on me. I have to say I have smart parents.

The thing that does upset me is that since I was an oldest child I bore the brunt of the overreactions and punishments for silly things. The next youngest learned from my mistakes and stayed under the radar. The youngest two were significantly younger (8-10 years), and by that time my parents had eased up CONSIDERABLY. They have it so easy!

I have to say though, after I went away to college..after a few years they almost entirely eased up on me. We get along great and they are so laid back

 

[MaxSilverHam]

My parents were strict but not overprotective I don't think. I always felt freedom to do things because they trusted me but I still had to follow their rules. I think if they had not trusted me, it would be an all different story though. I'm sorry for your experience.

 

[Ads123]

Good to know that I'm not the only one who went through the same thing. I'm almost 27 and my parents (mostly my dad) has been really overprotective of me. I lived away from home for a few years which was great cuz I got to experience freedom and be able to think on my own and be an adult, and I had to go back since I'm unemployed and it's like I'm 13 all over again. I've learned to put some boundaries and my dad doesn't respect them still as much as I've talked to him about it.

In his mind, not overprotecting means neglecting someone, and him making all my decisions for the most part, like I've read at some of the posts here, has made me very self conscious and with low self esteem. I cannot really move anywhere yet since I haven't found an opening and it drives me a bit insane.

When I was away I had a really good relationship with them since I had my own space, and my dad is one of those people who always have to be right and everyone else is stupid and wrong so is almost pointless trying to keep talking to him about me being an adult now. I visited someone for a week just to get out and have my own space, he would text and call me all the time, I counted around 50 texts in less than a week from him.

And they don't realize that things like that affects someone mentally no emotionally, they think I'm just whining.

 

[chikadee23]

I know this thread is kind of old, but I wanted to comment anyway lol. I can relate to a lot of people on this thread. I'm 21 years old and the youngest of 4 siblings and the only girl, so my parents are definitely over-protective. They're smothering b/c of two of my older siblings that are very rebellious. I've told them many times not to punish me for my siblings mistakes, but they have a hard time understanding that.

Like a lot of you, I wasn't allowed to drive on my own until college. My parents were super controlling, from what I wore, how I presented myself, where I went to church, who I hung out with, who I should date, and would call constantly when I went out with friends. I talked to them about this in the past, but they still wanted to control every aspect of my life. I began praying and asking God to help me be more assertive. I did as much as I could to become more independent. It hasn't been easy, but totally worth it. I got a part time job, began attending church and bible study w/ friends (instead of the church my parents chose), started paying for my own things (gas, food,clothes, textbooks, etc.), and have been looking for a place to live away from home!

I know dealing with over-protective parents can be tough, but isn't hopeless. I hope things have gotten better for everyone

 

[nonoza123]

Greetings people

I am new on this forum and i hope you'll help me with my situation. Here it goes :

I am a 27th year old lady who live with both parents. My dad is a pastor and we are Christians. So in 2015 i went to my first interview and it went great and they were ready to take me. So when i told my parents, they were asking me questions about transport and and where will i get the closest transport to go to work. The company i went was very far away from home. I was ready to start a life of my own and find the nearest places to stay but my parents were like "you don't know anyone in that city" or "we don't have a family that is near? how will you travel blablabla".Then i had to let this position down because of them. My dad felt guilty and told my mom that maybe he was overprotective .He made a mistake and brought me a data to look for jobs.

Then 2016 ,he decided to buy me a car "Atos" to take me from point A to B so that he can't make the same mistakes but now i got a contract job far away from home and when i tell him that i want to take a car with me,all he says it "Your car needs insurance so that you can drive long distance, if accidents happens ,it will be up to me to pay it",and that time he registered the car on my name.

I got my license in 2012 and it almost 2019 but still nothing. All he does now is read bible at night and during the days but have little time for his family. He never had a bond with me and my big brother. He doesn't know what type of a person i am from (being angry or happy) only person that bonds with me is my neighbor who is 35 years old and a christian too. He knows me down to earth and able to control me when i am angry. He knows me when i am sad or angry and know how to make me happy again.

Last time i came back from work on the Friday at 5pm .It was getting dark. I called my mom that i will pass the mall at my location to do nails and she okay. While they were busy with my nails ,i couldn't touch my phone. After they were done with me, I saw 12 missed calls coming from my parents. It was 6 missed calls from my mom and 3 missed calls from my dad plus messages. and 3 missed calls from my big brother. My brother sent me a voice note angry because my parents were panicking for nothing. I understand that they care about me but they need to limit themselves because it will be difficult for me when i have a boyfriend or husband. That's why i don't care about relationships or marriage. I become angry when i see couples or people get married. I can't even enjoy life of my own.

I don't feel 27 years but 11 years old. Truly speaking i can't even take good decision of myself . I always doubt about myself and decision i make. I feel like my life is over and have suicidal thoughts. I even cry everyday in my room
I am also in this position