LovebirdsFlying
My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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- Aug 13, 2007
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As a person with a mild disability, I have seen this issue come up repeatedly and persistently.
Please understand that there is such a thing as overhelping. While I appreciate the kind intentions, in the long run it does far more harm than good.
Someone assumes I'm unable to do something on my own, or that I probably wouldn't be able to learn to do it. So, they rush in to do it for me. Or, they confuse physical strength with mental ability. They won't let me walk, or lift and carry anything, even when I specifically tell them I want to. They tell me basic common-sense facts most four-year-olds would know already. They speak to me in a clear, distinct, high-pitched "kindergarten teacher" voice, thinking I wouldn't understand any word longer than two syllables. They act shocked when they see me accomplishing some everyday life skill the average person can do without thinking twice about it. They constantly warn me to be careful when going about daily life, as if I don't know what the dangers are. They jump in to assist me with tasks that are not even affected by my actual disability. At the first sign of a mistake or a struggle, they never let me try again.
And in the end, this is what happens:
1. I don't get any stronger.
2. I lose what little strength I have left.
3. I don't get a chance to learn from mistakes.
It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. By assuming something is true, the situation is set up for it to *become* true. By refusing to teach me some skill, these well-meaning overhelpers guarantee that I don't learn that skill. This means I can't do it, and I'll have to have it done for me. I end up being able to do even less for myself than I started out doing.
This does me no favors. It doesn't help me at all. It harms me. Greatly.
Even a healthy child would never learn to walk if not allowed to fall down and get back up again.
If I ask for help, I appreciate it very much. If I don't ask for help, and I'm allowed to do it for myself, I appreciate that even more. It may take me longer to get it done, but left alone, I can do it. I may need some accommodations, but left alone, I can do it. Please allow me to decide for myself what I'm capable of, and please allow me to make the same mistakes everybody else is allowed to make. Please stop suffocating me.
Thank you.
Please understand that there is such a thing as overhelping. While I appreciate the kind intentions, in the long run it does far more harm than good.
Someone assumes I'm unable to do something on my own, or that I probably wouldn't be able to learn to do it. So, they rush in to do it for me. Or, they confuse physical strength with mental ability. They won't let me walk, or lift and carry anything, even when I specifically tell them I want to. They tell me basic common-sense facts most four-year-olds would know already. They speak to me in a clear, distinct, high-pitched "kindergarten teacher" voice, thinking I wouldn't understand any word longer than two syllables. They act shocked when they see me accomplishing some everyday life skill the average person can do without thinking twice about it. They constantly warn me to be careful when going about daily life, as if I don't know what the dangers are. They jump in to assist me with tasks that are not even affected by my actual disability. At the first sign of a mistake or a struggle, they never let me try again.
And in the end, this is what happens:
1. I don't get any stronger.
2. I lose what little strength I have left.
3. I don't get a chance to learn from mistakes.
It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. By assuming something is true, the situation is set up for it to *become* true. By refusing to teach me some skill, these well-meaning overhelpers guarantee that I don't learn that skill. This means I can't do it, and I'll have to have it done for me. I end up being able to do even less for myself than I started out doing.
This does me no favors. It doesn't help me at all. It harms me. Greatly.
Even a healthy child would never learn to walk if not allowed to fall down and get back up again.
If I ask for help, I appreciate it very much. If I don't ask for help, and I'm allowed to do it for myself, I appreciate that even more. It may take me longer to get it done, but left alone, I can do it. I may need some accommodations, but left alone, I can do it. Please allow me to decide for myself what I'm capable of, and please allow me to make the same mistakes everybody else is allowed to make. Please stop suffocating me.
Thank you.
