Orthodox Humor

[MariaRegina]

Here's a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/lyris/churchlaughs/archives/01-18-2005.html

 

[Oblio]

A Protestant, a Catholic and an Orthodox are discussing what Jesus would be upon his return to earth. The Protestant insists Jesus would be a Protestant, the Catholic insists he would be Catholic. The Orthodox looks puzzled and asks, “But why would he change?”

From here

 

[Grand_Duchess-Elizaveta]

A Protestant, a Catholic and an Orthodox are discussing what Jesus would be upon his return to earth. The Protestant insists Jesus would be a Protestant, the Catholic insists he would be Catholic. The Orthodox looks puzzled and asks, “But why would he change?”

From here

 

[White Rabbit]

Heres a true funny story: the owner of a liquor store where my preist gets his alter wine called him and asked for him to bless it. His reason: there were spirits in the liquor store!

 

[Peter]

Top Ten Ways To Tell If You Are An Orthodox School Teacher

1. You end each day with a “Lord, Have Mercy.”
2. You feel compelled to eat the crumbs from the lunchroom floor.
3. You volunteer to help the elementary students tie their shoes, as you are the most flexible.
4. You stand in the teachers break room.
5. You don’t mind long faculty meetings.
6. You thank your students for giving you an icon of themselves after picture day.
7. You cross yourself after drinking from the drinking fountain.
8. The home ec. kids are baking blueberry muffins, and you wonder what the new incense is.
9. You break into the Creed when the bell rings.
10. You ask for a blessing from the principal.

 

[MariaRegina]

What to do with a long winded telephone conversation.

It looks like an automated response generator ... wouldn't that be nice ... so whenever the person pauses on the phone ... they will hear uh-huh.

Only problem is they might just catch on.

http://christianitytoday.com/lyris/churchlaughs/images/cartoon_07-12-05lg.gif

 

[Melethiel]

- You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
- You consider an hour long church service to be "short." (Heh, yeah. Unfortunately, most church services last an hour. )
-You have Ancient Echoes in your CD collection

Sshhh...don't tell anyone.

 

[OrthodoxyUSA]

A Protestant, a Catholic and an Orthodox are discussing what Jesus would be upon his return to earth. The Protestant insists Jesus would be a Protestant, the Catholic insists he would be Catholic. The Orthodox looks puzzled and asks, “But why would he change?”

From here

And just where have you been mister?

You've been missed.

Forgive me...

 

[Matrona]

And just where have you been mister?

That was posted back in January.

I wish it was recent, though.

 

[OrthodoxyUSA]

That was posted back in January.

I wish it was recent, though.

Just reading through the thread.... I didn't notice the date time stamp... sorry.

Forgive me..

 

[Ioan cel Nou]

This one I just stumbled across on the Orthodixie blog isn't bad:

When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[Yiannis550]

How about this?

There was an arrogant Scientist that he clamed he can create life like God does! So God appeared to him and told him
-I heard you clamed you are like me and you can create life.
-Well yes
-Ok lets have a contest.
So God takes some dirt from the ground, makes a human form and blows on it the Holly Spirit and here we have a man!
Then the Scientis says:
-I can to the same! and he takes some dirt. God then tells him:
-Hey what are you doing there? Create your own dirt!

 

[MariaRegina]

This one I just stumbled across on the Orthodixie blog isn't bad:

When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[MariaRegina]

The OBOB mod Wolseley always is known for his quotable quotes - and this was funny.

You can paint a sow yellow and put a plastic beak on it, but that doesn't make it a canary.

 

[MariaRegina]

My husband was just sent this post and thought you might enjoy it:



Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

[Dust and Ashes]

Our infant mission meets to pray Small Compline every Wednesday and Saturday night and we are still working out kinks so often an unplanned funny will crop up. O-usa had printed out copies that had the different parts colored differently. He had missed one typo but the placement of that typo almost spelled disaster for the service.

"He had delivered us from the moth of Hades and bestowed great mercy upon the world."

Well, O-usa's 13 year old son was there and found that amusing and his amusement was pretty contagious and afterwards there was quite a bit of talk about moths of Hades and casting the movie, etc, etc. Even now with the typo fixed, some of us can't suppress a grin when we come to that part.

Yeah, I know, we are easily amused.

 

[Khaleas]

This is a true story...


We had a service in our little Chapel and Father was talking about the Holy Spirit descending... and down from the ceiling comes this massive flying bug.



Needless to say, he had to take a little break before going on at that point... and everyone else had to try real hard not to laugh.

 

[Greg the byzantine]

LOL. I was just reminded of one time when we were in church. The Sunday School always picks certain days during the week to have confession twice a month, and kids come and we wait in the church until the priest calls us one by one. I was waiting there once with my friends, because the priest hadn't arrived and it was dim because we only had one set of lights on and the candles. All of a sudden we hear in a very deep loud voice with a heavy accent "FATHER FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED" We were shaking and laughing soo hard. The priest had come in through the back entrance, and because of the way my church is set up (check out the picture below, when the curtain is closed over the royal doors as it was that day you can't see what's going on behind the iconostasis) you couldn't see anything. He then popped his head of one of the deacons doors with this huge grin on his face, it was hilarious

 

[Nebmaatisus]

Unfortunately the linquistical errors in Finnish do not translate into English. Well, once I was reading a Canon, and forgot the name of the saint of the day. The cantor whispered it to me: "Spyridon". I did not hear it properly and said the first thing that popped into my mind - "Our father Spiritus, pray for us". Half of the choir had to stop singing, and one woman darted out of the church not to burst into laughter inside.

Once a bishop was serving a liturgy. When coming out of the altar, he stumbled over his vestments and rolled the stairs down, with his mitre rolling merrily away to the feet of the people. When he rose to his feet, his staff caught a lady´s skirt and lifted it. At this point the clergy in the altar burst into laughter. The bishop muttered angrily toward them "We will talk about this later", but on the meal after the liturgy he just remarked that "After all, it went well, even with my little stumlings".

 

[Kolya]

Unfortunately the linquistical errors in Finnish do not translate into English. Well, once I was reading a Canon, and forgot the name of the saint of the day. The cantor whispered it to me: "Spyridon". I did not hear it properly and said the first thing that popped into my mind - "Our father Spiritus, pray for us". Half of the choir had to stop singing, and one woman darted out of the church not to burst into laughter inside.

Once a bishop was serving a liturgy. When coming out of the altar, he stumbled over his vestments and rolled the stairs down, with his mitre rolling merrily away to the feet of the people. When he rose to his feet, his staff caught a lady´s skirt and lifted it. At this point the clergy in the altar burst into laughter. The bishop muttered angrily toward them "We will talk about this later", but on the meal after the liturgy he just remarked that "After all, it went well, even with my little stumlings".

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Many years

Kolya