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Orthodox Humor

Discussion in 'The Ancient Way - Eastern Orthodox' started by Peter, Sep 16, 2003.

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  1. Peter

    Peter Veteran

    Eastern Orthodox
    Okay, I may have misled you. There are certain things in Orthodoxy, or shall we say Orthodox history, that's just funny at certain levels. C'mon, fess up. We've all seen it.

    Here's one of my favs:

    St. Nichlas, the man who became fantasy to so many, smacked a heretic!

    Forget Mike, I wanna be like Nic!

    Here's one that got me from a typo:

    "Lord, deliver us to a clam haven." (It was supposed to be "calm haven.")

    Sounds like a great place to go during Lent!

    Peace. (Still giggling)

    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Fiskare

    Fiskare Well-Known Member

    Unless you're Jewish! (Not kosher!)

    [​IMG] <--- But I love 'em!
  3. Matrona

    Matrona Lady Godiva Freedom Rider

    Eastern Orthodox
    I've always loved "How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb". :) ("Change?! What is this 'change' of which you speak?!")

    If there's anyone in the world who hasn't already, run, don't walk, to The Onion Dome. :)

    Not to mention the Gospel reading on Lazarus Saturday: "Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days." (I nearly died from trying not to laugh!)

    And you gotta love those hymns we sing around Lent that refer to the Theotokos as "O Mystic Heifer".
  4. Peter

    Peter Veteran

    Eastern Orthodox
    This one from the Psalms:

    "Let the sinners fall from off the earth." (It was a typo. It's supposed to be fail, not fall)
  5. MariaRegina

    MariaRegina Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox
    I just received this email from dear old Professor Mark at St. Vlads.

    Thought you might enjoy a little Orthodox liturgical humor:

    Merry Christmas!
  6. Orthodox Andrew

    Orthodox Andrew Orthodox Church- Telling The Truth Since 33 A.D.

    Eastern Orthodox
  7. MariaRegina

    MariaRegina Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox
    From: Doreen
    Wed, 18 Feb 2004 08:04:53 -0500
    Wednesday's humor - new kind of Olympics

    IOC Announces New Games for Athens Olympics

    ATHENS, Greece -- As construction crews prepare the ground for the
    2004 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee is putting
    finishing touches on a new set of games for this Orthodox city:

    Liturgical Olympics.

    Here are some of the top sports:

    Russians are the favorites in the Censer Swing, a gymnastic sport
    of timing and grace, in which priests and deacons compete to make
    the most intricate formations with the smoke and movement of the
    censer. Points off for setting vestments on fire.

    Georgians and Bulgarians are expected to be top competitors in the
    Long Note: a track and field event to see who can hold a note the
    longest. There are individual, team and relay heats. Points off for

    Greeks are taking top odds in Speed Liturgy, another track and
    field event, in which priest, deacon and choir compete for the
    speediest liturgy. Judges will be listening carefully to see if
    anything is left out.

    It's an open field in Altar Boy Synchronization, in which teams of
    altar servers move in synchronized motion with candles, icons, fans
    and censers. Nike and Adidas are in a bidding war over who will
    provide team shoes.

    Americans are expected to be major contenders in Canon Tossing and
    the heavier-weight Anathema Hurling. There will be individual, team
    and relay heats in this event as well, with points off for players
    hitting their own teams and fans.

    Other events will include Bishop Vesting, High Note, Low Note and
    Countertenor, and Distance Sprinkling.

    Excitement is building as Orthodox Olympians around the world
    prepare for these events.
  8. prodromos

    prodromos Senior Veteran Supporter

    Eastern Orthodox

    The above has been shamelessly ripped from The Onion Dome
    Is outrage! :sorry:

  9. Sergius_Lucius

    Sergius_Lucius Orthodox Russian

    Eastern Orthodox
    St. Philaret of Moscow during Paschal week was asked by two ladies why our Lord after his resurrection appeared to the myrrh-bearers first.

    "Because women like to chatter very much and it was needed that this event would be known to all as soon as possible", answered the Metropolitan.

    From the book by Priest Mikhail Ardov.
  10. Suzannah

    Suzannah A sinner

    Eastern Orthodox
    Sergius!!! LOLOL!!!! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

    When I was a Protestant, one of the pastors told the congregation the same thing at an Easter service, and all the women shifted in thier seats, pursed their lips and later "proved him right" by going 'round and gossiping about what he said! LOL! It's very true isn't it???
  11. Matrona

    Matrona Lady Godiva Freedom Rider

    Eastern Orthodox
    ROTFL!!! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

    When I was a kid, I used to have this hilarious book of "quickie comebacks" for stupid questions. There should be a book of Orthodox quickie comebacks like that. :)
  12. Sergius_Lucius

    Sergius_Lucius Orthodox Russian

    Eastern Orthodox
    From the collection by the students of St. Tikhon's Institute in Moscow:

    A priest-lecturer is speaking about the canon that prohibites ordination of priests younger than 30 years: "Of course, this rule is often disregarded. There are a lot of examples, say, me, then... St. Aphanasius the Great..." (Common laughter) "Well, I meant there are both good and bad consequences of breaking the canons".
  13. MariaRegina

    MariaRegina Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox
    New Musical terms

    In an effort to keep you abreast of the ever-changing world of musical terminology, we provide you with some terms with which you should be familiar:

    Adagio Fromaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

    AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

    Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.

    Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

    A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.

    Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument, you regret playing.

    Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.

    Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.

    Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert.

    Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.

    Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).

    Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: The entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs

    Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

    Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and ...

    Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

    Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.

    Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

    Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.

    Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

    Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.

    Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

    Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.

    Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

    Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.

    Poochini Musical: performance, accompanied by a dog.

    Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

    Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

    Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.

    Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.

    Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
  14. prodromos

    prodromos Senior Veteran Supporter

    Eastern Orthodox
    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
    and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
    more. The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pint goes
    flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

    "The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
    America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left
    home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
    we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one
    for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
    same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day,
    he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice
    and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
    the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
    to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
    and he laughs. "You'll be happy to know that my brothers are alive
    and well." He explains, "It's just that I've given up drinking for Lent!".
  15. Suzannah

    Suzannah A sinner

    Eastern Orthodox
    Why did St. Padraig drive all the snakes out of Ireland????

    Answer: Because he was the Designated Driver...
    'kay...maybe not very funny!
  16. countrymousenc

    countrymousenc Dances With Mop

    Eastern Orthodox
    Made me laugh! :D
  17. Suzannah

    Suzannah A sinner

    Eastern Orthodox
    ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
  18. MariaRegina

    MariaRegina Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox

  19. MariaRegina

    MariaRegina Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox
    While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
    truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
    is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
    we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
    you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
    spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

    "I'm sorry but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
    down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
    golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all
    his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
    They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times
    they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
    game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is
    the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
    telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it,
    it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
    elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
    where St. Peter is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit heaven."

    So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
    moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
    time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would
    never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
    would be better off in hell."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
    hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
    land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
    it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

    "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
    was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
    and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
    garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"
  20. Michael G

    Michael G Abe Frohmann

    Eastern Orthodox
    Did I ever tell you about the Dislexic, Agnostic Insomniac who stayed up all night contemplating the existence of Dog?

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