[open] Not very understanding husband...

[Vicissa]

*I posted this in women's discussion but I wanted to post it in a place where I can get some male feedback too. Just to let you know about the swellings I'm talking about in this post, I'm giving you a short history.

For the past three months I kept having these swellings. My eye will swell shut, I've been to the ER 3 times, once in an ambulance because my throat seemed to be swelling. They never did much for me, because I didn't have insurance. I finally got into a clinic who did it without charge, and the doctor took me seriously. I'm not carrying an epipen with me, and have to take steroids, heavy antihistamines, and zantac until they figure out what is going on. I'm being tested for all the things it could be, a heriditary condition that could cause my throat to swell, cancer, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and a few more.*


Maybe I'll go home to Michigan without him.

Well, me and the hubby had a big blowout arguement last night, and I'm just exhausted emotionally. Most of you know that I got some health issues going on. Well yesterday ended up being a bad day of swelling, and I was alone, so that upped the anxiety level with it.

I told my husband that I was going to have to go back home if this is something that is going happen all the time. I need to have support, and him being the only person I can really count on to support me just doesn't work because he HAS to work...he cannot sit home with me. I need to be back in Michigan where I have family's homes that I can go to during the day when he's not there to help me with the kids and to be there just in case something happens. Here...I don't have anyone who can do that. The only friends I have have their own lives and don't have the time to babysit me.

He tells me things like I need to go out and make friends, yeah, that's possible. Between the swellings and the undependable transportation, it's difficult. And what am I going to do?? Say "Hey I really need a friend who can take on this heavy burden of sitting with me everyday to watch me when I have these flare-ups!"

He tells me he will send me back, but he will not go. He needs to work and there is no work in Michigan. I say that we made it before, though we struggled, and I need him to be with me, he's my husband. And our kids need a dad. Michigan has a better healthcare system (Louisiana's healthcare is rated 48 out of the 50 states) so I would hope that he would want me to get the best care possible if it's something serious. He says he supports me, he helps out where he can and hugs me and comforts me, but I always want more.

Maybe that's true right now. But it's not like I asked for this. After this big blowout fight where we both are screaming at each other, me crying my eyes out the whole time. We end up ending the conversation at a stalemate. He says that we will deal with it when we find out what's going on and then we'll make decisions. I tell him I just want to know that he's with me, and will
do whatever it takes to be sure I get the best care and help I need, even if it means moving back to where he doesn't like. He wouldn't answer me. He said he already answered it earlier in the arguement, which he did, but he said two different things. First he said he would NOT go back no matter what, I could go back and be with my family. Second he said that if it were serious, he would go. But even after bringing that up, he won't tell me. Even after telling him I need to hear it.

Now I don't know what to do. Part of me really just wants to shut him out. Part of me wants to go back to Michigan and tell him to stay here, that I don't want him to come with me. Not because I don't love him, but because I feel like a burden. I want him to want to support me, not feel like he's being forced into it.

I'm so upset, hurt, and hungry. Eating seems to insigate attacks when I'm already in swelling mode, and it's nothing I'm allergic to. Like for instance I got hives when I ate a corn tortilla yesterday. Well I've ate corn tortillas a lot with no problem, but sometimes when my body is hyped up, it reacts to it. Later on that night I ate two corn tortillas no problem. I've tracked my diet, trying to find a connection. But none.

I'm afraid to eat, but I'm so hungry. I'm scared to be alone because I don't want the kids to be traumatized if I have an attack while I'm with them and I have to go in the ambulance again. On top of that, what if my neighbor isn't home?? Where will they go??? And I don't feel like my husband understands or is being compassionate about that.

 

[SabrinaFair]

Vicissa, have the Dr.s considered that the attacks could be a form of hives triggered by anxiety?? It could be possible, and would make sense considering the pressure and turmoil your life and marriage have been in for so long now. You really might ask them about it, I had a friend who would break out in hives, and one who broke out in shingles both due to anxiety and stress. Each person's body responds differently, yours may be responding in it's own way.

There is more info on anxiety related symptoms here. Maybe you will find it helpful.

 

[Vicissa]

Vicissa, have the Dr.s considered that the attacks could be a form of hives triggered by anxiety?? It could be possible, and would make sense considering the pressure and turmoil your life and marriage have been in for so long now. You really might ask them about it, I had a friend who would break out in hives, and one who broke out in shingles both due to anxiety and stress. Each person's body responds differently, yours may be responding in it's own way.

There is more info on anxiety related symptoms here. Maybe you will find it helpful.

No not really because of the severity and because they usually happen when I'm not stressed...I wake up sometimes with swelling. It's not hives, it's called angioedema. My forehead or eyes will swell about 1 inch out from my face, it usually looks like I got hit by a baseball bat. Due to other symptoms, extreme fatigue, the progressive nature of the swelling, it's unlikely to be something anxiety-related. Now if it gets worse after it's started, I could see anxiety having something to do with it. But anxiety is really not abnormal if the body is having an allergic reaction or is having an autoimmune problem.

 

[BigNorsk]

Well, I think your husband felt blindsided by you saying you need to go to Michigan.

He seems to be saying that since you are getting tested for everything that could cause this, why not wait until you find out what the results are before making decisions?

You assume you will get better care in Michigan, but what is wrong with your current doctor?

In addition, maybe the county has a county health program. It might help if they would help you figure out a diet unlikely to cause problems and then if that seems to fix things, you gradually, one thing at a time add things back in until you identify what is the problem.

It's really even speculation to think it's food at this point. Could be a lot of things. Could be for instance the house you are in is moldy. I'm not saying it is but being in that house could be what is causing the problem.

That's just an example, you have a doctor taking you seriously and running tests, I wouldn't leave that when you don't have health insurance.

Another thing. It appears the two of you have never learned how to fight. Look up "fighting fair" and see how it should be done. A fight isn't a way to pull out a statement of support, it's effect tends to be quite the opposite as you found out. Look up "fighting fair" and see if things don't go better when you disagree productively instead of using insults, shouting and tears to try and manipulate the other into going your way.

Marv

 

[SabrinaFair]

As for your husband's responses, I'm not overly surprised. A lot of times others truly don't understand what is happening inside of people who have health issues.

I have a great husband in many ways, but he wasn't the most supportive or helpful during any of our pregnancies, and he always seemed to feel after the birth I should be back on my feet in record time which made for a lot of pressure on me. If I'm sick it can only be for a short moment because he can't keep things going around the home and the pressure for me to get well and get everything back up to speed is always an undercurrent. I can be sick for a week, have a good day and as far as they are concerned "Super Mom" is back at 100% for food, housecare, and sex. It is a hard place for me to be, but I really try to remember that he has no true understanding of what my body and mind go through when I do go down- he expects me to be the rock, and when I'm not he is lost. That's just the kind of man I married- he has lots of good qualities, but I can't rely on him to carry the burden or get me help if I'm out of commission.

All you can do is try to convey to him how scary and draining this is for you physically and emotionally. Bottom line is, take care of yourself, look out for your health, do whatever it takes, your husband can't empathize or sympathize since he has no really personal experience with what you are going through. Don't disappoint yourself further hoping that somehow he will "get it", just do what you know you need and let God deal with your husband.

(That's my nickel anyway- adjust for inflation. )

 

[Vicissa]

Well, I think your husband felt blindsided by you saying you need to go to Michigan.

He seems to be saying that since you are getting tested for everything that could cause this, why not wait until you find out what the results are before making decisions?

You assume you will get better care in Michigan, but what is wrong with your current doctor?

In addition, maybe the county has a county health program. It might help if they would help you figure out a diet unlikely to cause problems and then if that seems to fix things, you gradually, one thing at a time add things back in until you identify what is the problem.

It's really even speculation to think it's food at this point. Could be a lot of things. Could be for instance the house you are in is moldy. I'm not saying it is but being in that house could be what is causing the problem.

That's just an example, you have a doctor taking you seriously and running tests, I wouldn't leave that when you don't have health insurance.

Another thing. It appears the two of you have never learned how to fight. Look up "fighting fair" and see how it should be done. A fight isn't a way to pull out a statement of support, it's effect tends to be quite the opposite as you found out. Look up "fighting fair" and see if things don't go better when you disagree productively instead of using insults, shouting and tears to try and manipulate the other into going your way.

Marv

Hey there! Thanks for the response and the insight. I say Michigan has better care because I lived there for 27 years, and know the quality of care is better than down here in Louisiana. Even the people who live here call Louisiana a third-world country compared to the rest of the country. It's not assumption, but a big fact.

That being said, I agree that I should wait until I find out what the problem is before we discuss options. I just have a habit of being a planner and like to discuss possibilities and have a plan for them. LOL I would be great for working at FEMA.

It is speculation, and the doctor is doing tests. I am seeing a doctor who I don't have to have insurance, but I'm going most likely incur high medical bills. It's kind of hard to explain, because it is speculation, but when your having allergic-type problems as an adult, you have to be careful because repeated exposure causes increased severity of symptoms. So that is why I worry when I eat and have swellings, because I don't want to be in a situation where I swell up far from medical care and have no adults to help my three children.

We have been fighting fair for a while, we agreed we aren't fighting fairly or productively, but we've slipped up under this pressure of this unknown illness and how it affects me and even them. We for sure need to get back on track.

As for your husband's responses, I'm not overly surprised. A lot of times others truly don't understand what is happening inside of people who have health issues.

I have a great husband in many ways, but he wasn't the most supportive or helpful during any of our pregnancies, and he always seemed to feel after the birth I should be back on my feet in record time which made for a lot of pressure on me. If I'm sick it can only be for a short moment because he can't keep things going around the home and the pressure for me to get well and get everything back up to speed is always an undercurrent. I can be sick for a week, have a good day and as far as they are concerned "Super Mom" is back at 100% for food, housecare, and sex. It is a hard place for me to be, but I really try to remember that he has no true understanding of what my body and mind go through when I do go down- he expects me to be the rock, and when I'm not he is lost. That's just the kind of man I married- he has lots of good qualities, but I can't rely on him to carry the burden or get me help if I'm out of commission.

All you can do is try to convey to him how scary and draining this is for you physically and emotionally. Bottom line is, take care of yourself, look out for your health, do whatever it takes, your husband can't empathize or sympathize since he has no really personal experience with what you are going through. Don't disappoint yourself further hoping that somehow he will "get it", just do what you know you need and let God deal with your husband.

(That's my nickel anyway- adjust for inflation. )

Thanks for the advise again I appreciate it and will consider what you said.