One Last Try

[DoItForB]

I'm not one for usually talking so openly but as the months roll on and I remain the same, it's probably for the best I try to coherently document this so at the very least it can provide some understanding.

I'm not sure what brought me here of all places. Only recently has God came back to my thinking, back to my life after years in the wilderness. I'm not even sure if I would be accepted here. My beliefs of God may not align with yours. However, something inside me brought me here to for once, tell my truth and I believe that was God. I don't know what can or will come of this but for once I will trust, I will follow, I will believe.

I am approaching 30 and I don't want to become a statistic. I'm struggling and I have struggled but I'm now at the point of struggling that I just genuinely don't know what to do all over again. This is all nothing new to me. I've had the breakdown, I've been on the meds, I've gotten fresh air and exercise, I've changed my lifestyle, I've changed my diet and I've been out in the sunshine.

It just feels like the walls are caving in around me again. I'm falling back into old habits. My living situation isn't ideal, I live in a shared house as part of my job. I'm avoiding people, I'm either not eating at all or eating at unsociable hours as an example. I know it sounds horrible, avoiding people, and people take it personally. It's the old cliche, ''it's not you, it's me!''. But it really isn't you, it's me. I just can't conjure up the energy and I don't want you to have to be around me being miserable. I just wish I could leave before it's too late.

I'm surrounded by good people, but they don't know how lucky they are. They have their families, they have each other. I haven't had a proper relationship with my family since my late teens, well, what's left of it. All of my Grandparents were gone by my teens and Aunts and Uncles have went since. My parents separated when I was in my early teens and I was pretty much left to my own devices. It didn't really phase me at the time, I guess I kind of expected it. A lot of things during that time I didn't register as effecting me but only within the last few years have I realised they really did. I don't feel the need to go into details about specific events. I have dealt with them in my own way and time and I don't want to use them as excuses or to define me. Within about a period of a year from 2012 onwards three big things happened in my life and I finally came to terms with I was depressed and already fractured relationships with my parents was broken.

Fast forward to now, this day, this Sunday afternoon. I have tried and tried and tried but nothing changes. I live in a room, I go to the same job and I am ultimately alone apart from a few friends here. I try to stay positive when others around me are falling apart over the littlest of things. I have no energy when I finish work. I am drained, I feel bad when I turn down invites to things, they're all I have but I need to be alone. I know I'm still down there, I'm still positive and happy, I still love scenery nature and like to laugh. You have to understand my future is bleak. There's no inheritance, there's no property there's nothing but my parents getting older and me not being able to support them. I know only I can change myself, only I can change my future. I've tried. I can barely cook myself a meal. I can't remember the last time something positive happened, the last time I felt alive.

My family and I always got by when I was younger, I always managed to support myself into adulthood but I'm only ever two months away from being homeless, like a lot of people. Of course, wealth is always a dream when it's like this. I know there were times when it would not have been good for me, I would not have appreciated it. I have learned a lot over the last few years. I see the world now for what it is and what it could be and money providing comfort, not happiness.

It's not as if I wrote this on a whim. I oomed and aahh'd before doing it, it was a coherent masterpiece of my feelings and emotions in my head but it has come out like, well, this. Maybe I will never truly be able to express the way I feel, but this is the best I can do.



I want peace, I can find my own peace. That's why I'm asking God for help.

 

[mnorian]

Mod hat on

this thread has been moved from
Introduce Yourself
to
Struggles by non-Christians
for a better fit and responses.
Please be aware that by the SOP only orthodox Christians may answer the OP.
Struggles by Non-Christians
Carry on. ​

 

[~Zao~]

Hi DoitforB. That’s a sad story and all I can say is that your not alone. Thanks for sharing it. But you know what? I’m rejoicing that God is instrumental in your life at this moment! My advise is use that feeling of not wanting other company to adhere to Christ in prayer and let Him fill you with everything that He has for you. It may well be the greatest blessing that He has given to you. Prayers for you in this hour of your need.

 

[miamited]

Hi doltforb,

Tough story. A lot of us have had similar struggles as we plunge headlong into this life that we live that God has given us to live. It took me 40 years to find out why God gives us this life to live and until anyone finds that, if can, at times, be a depressing journey. I've had times in my past that I thought I'd never make it through or didn't even know if I wanted to or not. God is good! He brought me through those times and I can now say that I'm so very thankful that He did.

You don't sound like someone who has yet been born again and that's the goal that you should be seeking.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[~Anastasia~]

Welcome to CF, and God bless you! Prayers for you! (Even if we might not believe the same the same things about God - He loves you.)

My heart is pulled - I want to help. But I'm not quite sure what the problem is? It could be (you might know) that what you're missing in your life IS a spiritual connection with God. I'm guessing that could be since you came here looking for help. God WILL be there for anyone wanting to turn to Him. Though as you might guess, Christianity is very confused and you might get all sorts of advice there. Most of it would probably be good, but some could be bad. (And it's against the rules of Christian Advice to argue it here in this subforum.)

You mention money too. But that's rarely really it. I've known poor people who are among the most joyous on earth, and rich who were miserable. Money does buy comfort yes, but it can't even offer complete security. (Anything could happen.) And happiness? No. But I've more recently found a wide range of long-term plans that can improve pretty much anyone's situation, and you're easily young enough to benefit. Mindset matters more than dollar amount though.

Relationships are a big one. We were made to need each other. God said it is not good for us to be alone (ESPECIALLY if we lack communion with Him also!) But many friends are not what's needed. A few people close to us is important though. And if there are problems there, that can be worked on. Also what I've found particular to my own tradition (Eastern Orthodoxy) ... there is much about restoring each of us as persons, and when we progress there, relationships improve as well, and new people may tend to seek out those who are growing in Christ, while at the same time we need them less. But my main point is, that CAN be worked on.

Or I wonder if you've seen a doctor? Is it possible some imbalance in brain chemistry or something is causing you to feel this way? Perhaps there are medicines or herbs that can help?


I can't answer for you. But I know that whatever you need to feel better ... there's an answer. Hang in there and keep searching. I pray you can discover it and start to feel better.

I'm glad you came to CF btw. I hope you find it helpful and a good place for fellowship.

God be with you!

 

[1watchman]

The OP definitely needs the Lord Jesus in His heart, and only the OP can do that. I recommend that one read what God has to say in John 1; John 3; John 14, and all of the Gospel messages in the New Testament. I will be happy to help if one is interested in learning God's Word to us.