On teasing

[LovebirdsFlying]

Something happened this morning in Sunday School that is a springboard for this post. Before I go further, though, I need to note that: 1.) It was apologized for, and 2.) I was supported and validated. Therefore, the specific incident I'm talking about is over and done with. No more feelings need to be hurt about it. I'd merely like to use it here as an illustration to point to the larger picture, teasing in general.

One of our congregants has a long-standing habit of seizing any opportunity he can to take a dig at women. One of his favorites is to point out how the whole human race got in trouble because Adam listened to Eve, and therefore, wouldn't men be better off not listening to women? He says these things deliberately to get a reaction out of the women in the room. Most people overlook it. But I had advised my husband some time ago that I just can't take any more of that kind of talk, and the next time that man starts bashing women, I'm going to get up and walk out of the room. Being mocked and insulted and degraded JUST for being a woman, I've had too much of that for real. I don't go to church to be put down.

So this morning, again that man started up with his anti-woman humor, and I made good on my promise. I got up and walked out. General opinion is that people in our Sunday School class (including my own husband) can see both sides. On one hand, that man does mean it to be harmless teasing, and teasing is a basic part of who he is. On the other hand, they know my personal history and can understand why I'm sensitive to it.

Again, it was apologized for, and I was validated. We don't need to bash that man, or men as a group, in return. This incident is only an explanation for why I'm talking about teasing. It is what put the subject into my head.

An awful lot of genuinely mean, hateful, and cruel things have been said under the pretense of "only kidding" or "just messing with you." Therefore, I have trouble telling harmless teasing apart from the for-real bullying and outright verbal abuse I've experienced too much of. Besides, as I see it, teasing and "messing with" people are mean things to do in the first place. What is the significant difference between putting somebody down just to "tease" them, and putting somebody down because you really are trying to hurt them?

 

[Tigger45]

I feel the ‘teaser’ has the responsibility of making sure everyone know that ‘it’ is actually good natured and hopefully funny to the person being teased. I’m a bit of a joker and at times my assessment or timing was off and I’ve tried to learn from those situations.

 

[BobRyan]

Something happened this morning in Sunday School that is a springboard for this post. Before I go further, though, I need to note that: 1.) It was apologized for, and 2.) I was supported and validated. Therefore, the specific incident I'm talking about is over and done with. No more feelings need to be hurt about it. I'd merely like to use it here as an illustration to point to the larger picture, teasing in general.

One of our congregants has a long-standing habit of seizing any opportunity he can to take a dig at women. One of his favorites is to point out how the whole human race got in trouble because Adam listened to Eve, and therefore, wouldn't men be better off not listening to women? He says these things deliberately to get a reaction out of the women in the room. Most people overlook it. But I had advised my husband some time ago that I just can't take any more of that kind of talk, and the next time that man starts bashing women, I'm going to get up and walk out of the room. Being mocked and insulted and degraded JUST for being a woman, I've had too much of that for real. I don't go to church to be put down.

Woman sinned and condemned one individual - that one woman.

Man sinned and condemned the entire human race - both men and women.

You pointed that out to him right??

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

proverbs 26:18-19
ephesians 5:3-4

 

[BobRyan]

I feel the ‘teaser’ has the responsibility of making sure everyone know that ‘it’ is actually good natured and hopefully funny to the person being teased. I’m a bit of a joker and at times my assessment or timing was off and I’ve tried to learn from those situations.

The problem in this case is that in Genesis 3 the woman is cursed and in 1 Tim 2 this is said about the woman --
13 For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. 14 And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. 15 But women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.

Given that context it is difficult to see the "humor" in the other guy's remarks where he simply repeats a misread of the text as if it is that sort of misread is so unheard of that nobody would take it as a serious remark. If a joke - then a joke with no actual humor element in it. Usually in humor there is the "unexpected" POV.

 

[sunshineforJesus]

I am a little over sensitive about teasing and tend to take things the wrong way.

 

[Tigger45]

People are so passive aggressive now a days that if ‘it’ doesn’t feel right I’ll blow them off. No use in calling them on it because they’re usually not going to be honest about it anyway.

 

[Dave-W]

General opinion is that people in our Sunday School class (including my own husband) can see both sides. On one hand, that man does mean it to be harmless teasing, and teasing is a basic part of who he is. On the other hand, they know my personal history and can understand why I'm sensitive to it.

The pastor needs to speak to that man (and any more like him) and put a stop to this behavior. While this incident may have been dealt with, his overall attitude and behavior have not.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

The man in church is known to be a goofball and that's considered part of his personality. I get the impression that most people believe I am too sensitive because he is "only teasing," but that given my background, they understand why I am so sensitive. I do have PTSD, and they know it. They wouldn't even think of sneaking up behind me, grabbing me by the ribs, and yelling "boo," but I believe I'm the only one there who would place teasing in the same category with jump-scaring.

Is there such a thing as harmless teasing? If so, how do I tell the difference? Examples: My childhood family and their fat jokes aimed at me. I was simply big and well-developed for my age, that's all. I wasn't medically overweight until the latter part of high school, but I was hearing those fat jokes as young as eight years old. Before braces straightened out my teeth, classmates used to stick their front teeth out when they talked to me. Besides these, I was frequently compared to relatives who had diagnosed mental illnesses or, in one case, a brain injury. My first husband often made jokes about how inferior women are, and that a woman's only purpose in life is to be servant to men (which is why I don't need more of that kind of talk when I go to church.) All of this was passed off as "just teasing," and young lady, you need to learn to take a joke!

And I maintain, as I said in the OP, that teasing is a mean thing to do in the first place.

But is it?

 

[Tigger45]

I think most of those example from HS were not just teasing but were mean spirited actions and/or words masquerading as humor. Now I do believe there is such a thing as 'good natured' teasing and I think 'intent' plays a big part in determining which it is.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I think most of those example from HS were not just teasing but were mean spirited actions and/or words masquerading as humor. Now I do believe there is such a thing as 'good natured' teasing and I think 'intent' plays a big part in determining which it is.

That's what I thought too, but how do I really determine somebody's intent? Because they're always going to SAY they're just teasing.

 

[Tigger45]

That's what I thought too, but how do I really determine somebody's intent? Because they're always going to SAY they're just teasing.

I just go by my gut feelings on if it's mean or not. If it's just 'off color' I figure no harm no foul. If they are just being mean then they won't admit it anyway but that doesn't mean I need to play along and laugh too. Most of the time I end the conversation and many times they get the hint.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

The pastor needs to speak to that man (and any more like him) and put a stop to this behavior. While this incident may have been dealt with, his overall attitude and behavior have not.

The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking you're probably right. As an example, our Sunday School teacher (who is also a deacon) is black. Our resident jokester wouldn't even dream of making racist remarks under the guise of "just kidding." So why does he think it's OK to pick on women?

 

[Dave-W]

Our resident jokester wouldn't even dream of making racist remarks under the guise of "just kidding." So why does he think it's OK to pick on women?

Exactly. It is not ok.