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On my last thread, marriage

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Perrin, Feb 14, 2019.

  1. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

    +2,663
    Non-Denom
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    US-Libertarian
    Since you hate all the advice you are getting, let me ask again -- WHY NOT ASK FOR ADVICE ELSEWHERE such as a secular forum? Why are you spending your life getting all hot and bothered about what Christians are telling you when you don't care about the advice here? You're awfully hostile toward people who are trying to help you, instead of just going somewhere else and finding advice that is more to your liking. Your first post was in this thread. You have zero investment in staying here reading things you don't like to see.
     
  2. Perrin

    Perrin New Member

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    And here is another example, you guys are laying out some attacks at me, saying I may struggle with calculations. I assure you that is not the case otherwise I would not have the job I do have.
     
  3. topher694

    topher694 Go Turtle!

    962
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    Keep, insulting people and this will probably be a short visit for you. You have gotten advice, good advice that goes far beyond love her as Jesus loved the church (which IS good advice, btw)

    Listen man, I hope you are able to work things out, I truly do. This is a Christian Forum, if you came here looking for advice you're going to get Christian advice. If you came here looking for someone to give you approval to divorce your wife, this probably wasn't the best choice.
     
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  4. Perrin

    Perrin New Member

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    I had thought there would have been some married couples who could shed some light on how they fixed their situations.

    To be frank I have seen one poster talk about that. Instead I am seeing more biblical and posters laying assumptions that are untrue at me.
     
  5. topher694

    topher694 Go Turtle!

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    My advice, for what it is worth, to others commenting here. It probably isn't worth it anymore. Everything that needs to be said has been said and it has already devolved too much for my liking.
     
  6. Perrin

    Perrin New Member

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    Didn’t really get any good advice form you.
     
  7. topher694

    topher694 Go Turtle!

    962
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    You may think that's insulting me, but given your attitude, I actually take that as proof I'm doing something right... so thanks!
     
  8. Perrin

    Perrin New Member

    26
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    Glad I could assist you in feeling better. I guess using smaller words had worked for you.
     
  9. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +2,789
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    I believe this is what the poster was saying in his OP. He doesn't want to waste any more time on a situation that seems hopeless. Your words say stay with the wife, but your example says something else.
     
  10. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

    +4,757
    Anglican
    Married
    It wasn't an "attack". I was just trying to point out that there has been LOADS of practical points made in this thread. The posts you're getting may be 2% of "what the Bible says".

    Since everything else that we've posted has been dismissed, maybe if I tell you a story about someone I love that has been in a similar situation (although his first wife wasn't 8 months pregnant - nor did they have any children) - it can help somewhat?

    This person that I love also had low self-esteem due to their own childhood trauma. Because of this - there was a huge desperate need for him to be validated and loved (to an unhealthy point). His first wife was dealing with depression and the loss of her mother at the time when this all unraveled (so, subconsciously, his reaction to flee from that was ignited). His first wife DID love him (still does) but, because of her dealing with difficulties at the time, he couldn't see that. He wanted to be far away from her difficulties.

    Instead - he believed he found his "dream woman" outside of his marriage. One who would change his life.....make it free of difficulty and full of love. They had two children together. He made her his world....and he loved his children.

    Then trouble began. His own mother died. That triggered a lot of stuff from his childhood. He became isolated and sullen. His wife pulled away (not wanting to deal with his depression) and began leaving with the children for the weekend. That triggered even more fear in him. He didn't want a divorce, because he didn't want his own children to have a difficult childhood (but he also didn't get help for his depression - because that takes more motivation than his illness would allow for).

    To shorten things up a bit (if you're even still reading) - his wife is divorcing him.....she also filed a dishonest protection against him so he can't see or even speak with his own children....and he's lost just about everything he owns because of this divorce (and because of her dishonest claims). He'd made this woman his "god" - the one that would rescue him from any painful feelings he felt while in his first marriage....and believed she'd love him forever. He regrets leaving his first marriage.....and now sees that his second marriage was based on fear and insecurity.

    Ask yourself, "What kind of woman would be okay with flirting (if that's what she's truly doing) with a married man that has wife at home that's 8 months pregnant?" Is that someone you want to align your life with? Is that REALLY an "upgrade"?
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
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  11. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

    +4,757
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    ......and as far as calculating goes? You got married in 2016.....right? And your wife has been pregnant for 8 months, you said. So why NOW are you posting about divorce (and expecting more from her)? I strongly sense this has more to do with a (most likely subconscious) fear of becoming a father than anything else. I'd really urge you to see a counselor that specializes in that - because divorce or no divorce - you're going to be a father either way.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
  12. *LILAC

    *LILAC Keeping it simple. Supporter

    +6,450
    Canada
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    So, what does your wife have to do to make you "happy"?
     
  13. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +5,906
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    following
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  14. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +12,422
    Australia
    Anglican
    Married
    What stands out to me, OP, is that your wife is pregnant.

    Honestly, expecting "progress" in study or career or fitness (or whatever) while a woman is pregnant is not really reasonable. Her body is pouring resources into growing a baby, and her mind is going through a huge time of growth and adjustment as she begins to become a mother and adjust to that role. That takes a great deal of what most of us would normally have in reserve for "progress" in life; it is a whole area of "progress" in its own right.

    Let the baby be born, get through the first year or so till it's weaned, be alongside your wife for the sleeplessness and all the stress and difficulty of that first year of parenting... and then you will be in a place where expecting more on other fronts might be reasonable.

    But right now, the lady's plate is already overflowing, and she doesn't need more pressure.
     
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  15. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Well, if you are a man after God's own heart, as David was, you might complain and murmur about God's gift to you. But I wouldn't under the circumstances.
     
  16. *LILAC

    *LILAC Keeping it simple. Supporter

    +6,450
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    To the OP, if he's still around, it sounds like there are alot of demons at battle and the best thing you can do is ask God to intervene, instead of spending even more money on counselors, God is the best Counselor any of us could ever have. We need to own up our sins and knock them down.

    If a Christian has the Holy Spirit dwelling within them, why aren't we using that power? Personally, I've been on a journey where it has been made abundantly clear that many are sleeping through this life. The spiritual battle has started the minute you've accept CHRIST as your Saviour. The devil isn't going to back off, he's going to try to make your life miserable. Jesus gave anyone who has accepted His gift the authority OVER the demons. It is sad to see so many people NOT exercising this and clearly the devil is winning, even through Christians!

    Anyway, what can be helpful is to write down all things not of the Holy Spirit, Galatians 5:22-23.

    Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, gentleness, self-control...

    All things negative, write them down, bring them to God and only if you're truly sorry and repentant and as you say, "on your last thread", you've got nothing to lose and only good things to gain. Once you've done that, destroy that list. My preferable method is fire but drowning those things out with water works, too and as you throw it out, renounce all those evil things with your authority in Christ! Do this everyday until God tells you what to do next. Don't focus on what happened yesterday. Let that go, instead. Trust me, everyday that you do this, your list will grow shorter and you will feel loads lightening up.

    Pray for your wife. Pray over your baby. Don't let the enemy get the best of you, you are worth so much more than that! Nobody here on this site is perfect but God is. If you know what the Bible says about divorce then clearly the devil is tempting you otherwise. Fall back to God, resist the evil. You CAN do it.

    You've got my prayers.
     
  17. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +985
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Hi OP,

    I'm sad for you that you are in this place. There is something you can do about it, though. Fortunately men are much more successful at pursuing their marriage when they want a change than women are.

    So first of all, the woman you have grown an attraction to is providing a contrast effect to your wife. As long as you have contact with this woman, your wife will never be attractive to you. If you want to raise your child with a wife you love, you must stop seeing this woman. If you work in the same building or will see her at work, you literally need to change jobs.

    Second of all, it is a statistical fact that people affair down. Think about it: what type of person is OK with having an affair with a man who has a pregnant wife, and breaking up a family? This person is not in the cream of the crop. Selfishness is the impetus for an affair, and you will receive it in spades if you forsake your marriage for this other woman. This is not just a pious lecture but it is borne out by studies of 1,000s of marriages who have suffered affairs. Affairages (marriages to affair partners) do not survive the rigors of a marital situation. Sooo.... as attracted as you might be to this woman right now, know that your future with her would be an ugly prospect.

    Third, imagine how your life would change when your affair is exposed to everyone you know. It's tantalizing to place yourself in the fantasy, but now imagine explaining how you broke up your child's home in order to get between the sheets with another woman to your parents, siblings, her parents, your church, your workplace. That will usually break the affair anyway. So now you hurt everyone you know for what?

    Finally, you can have wonderful and romantic marriage with your wife regardless of how you feel today. As the husband, you can successfully pursue her back into a relationship of extraordinary care for each other. The way to do it is to avoid doing things that hurt each other, do things that build up love bank deposits and date (like you did when you fell in love). If dating is how you feel in love, how do you expect to stay in love if you stop dating?

    Here is a link to a marriage building methodology that has been fantastically successful whenever it is followed. Dr. Harley studied 10,000s of marriages and flushed out a formula for how happy marriages stay happy. He is now in his 70s and has used this methodology his whole counseling career to fantastic success:
    Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

    Please take a look around at that site. If you have more specific questions, you can post them in the guidance forum there and trained volunteers (supervised by Dr. Harley) will help you.

    May God bless your decision to reach out for help. I pray that you are able to arrest this train wreck before it happens. Once you stop thinking after the other woman you wife will become more attractive to you.

    Blessings,
    E.
     
  18. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,915
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    I'll just say it up front. You sound selfish. All I hear is "me, me, me". Maybe your wife is not perfect. Maybe she's not exactly how you thought she would be. But that's marriage for you. And as for silly things like weight gain. If that makes you want to leave then it's pretty sad. Couples tend to gain more weight once married. Especially if they are happy. Or in some cases depressed. If this is how you talk about her to us, I wonder how you talk to her. There's two sides to every story.

    As for supporting her, some would say that's the man's job from a christian perspective. And trust me if you try getting with this new woman you know, you will find the grass isn't green on the other side. It just has issue of its own. There is no perfect person for someone. People change over time. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Also those who divorce have a higher chance of divorce again on their second marriage. Even more on the third and so on.

    Whatever you do is up too you. Just remember we all have to answer to God for what we do. And He's not one to care about our reasons why we did what we did. Me? I lost my virginity before marriage. I used Gods name in vain. I probably watch movies I shouldn't. But Gods not going to care about what excuses I give Him for why I did what I did.
     
  19. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

    +5,562
    United States
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    Married
    What is it that she wants? It's pretty clear what you want. Do you know what she wants for herself? For you both?
     
  20. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +985
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Where did you go, Perrin?
     
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