On my last thread, marriage

maintenance man

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When we first got together, she told me how she wanted to pursue a career in nursing. And while we were dating she kept herself in shape. I was under the impression she had those qualities.

What happened that changed her?

Can you not help her find her way back?
 
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Should we take a vote?

How many that are posting in this thread are married? :wave:

How many years? 30 years

Have you ever wanted a divorce or believed you married the wrong person? :wave: But we both persevered.
24 years married.
Wanted a divorce a few times. Through his abandonment...his infidelity...and a plethora of other problems imposed by us both. I felt completely disheartenedd and "catfished" with all hopes down the drain.

But yes, God is restoring and I see results slowly even though it's extremely difficult, triggering, and financially draining.

Not to say this because i want anybody to be "miserable", or to misrepresent myself as some example to boast about. But I can simply testify that, against all odds, God can guide hurting spouses through the hardship. Even though it once seemed that perseverance could never make my situation better, speaking and writing about it is not only part of my therapy but a tool I use to give anybody insight that might help them in their own unique situation.

Believe us, Perrin. There are many low points that make married folks feel like throwing in the towel. So, many do understand more than it seems.
 
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Perrin

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Well if you are looking to vent, then vent. But if you are looking for advice as you state then perhaps you should take it in instead of attacking what you don't like, it appears your way of doing things hasn't worked all that great for you otherwise you wouldn't be here asking about it.

I've been married for 20 years and we have had some very good years and some very bad years. We've been through things much, much worse than you've outlined here. Today we are pastors working alongside one another and have counseled many couples with struggles like yours and far worse.

As I said before, there is too much going on to get into any depth on an internet forum, but you've opened the door and rather than listen you've attacked anything you don't like. I have seen that MANY times as well (oh, the stories I could tell). You know what that is always a symptom of? She is not the problem. She may have her own problems, as we all do, but before anything in your marriage can change, your attitude has to change.

If you want to try to fix things, talk to a pastor along side a counselor. But only do that if you are willing to listen, otherwise it is a waste of time. If you want to vent, then vent and don't worry about the responses.

It is more of a facepalm, when instead of advice I get “the Bible says”. Which is why I put that in my first post. It appears reading comprehension is quite low from some of the posters here.

My attitude has been a supportive husband since day one. What I wanted and need if for my wife to a partner support me as well. I am not getting that.

The counselor we went to had heard both sides and she had agreed with what I have said of the situation. Even my wife tells how supportive and loving I am to her. I am putting forth the effort. I am now tired of being the only one doing that.

Here I have several people making wrong assumptions on the point where I fee they are attacking my character. So yes, I will respond back to those somewhat harshly, and the “bible says this”. I am well aware of what the Bible states.
 
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snoochface

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If you don't care what the Bible says, and don't want to hear from people who do, then why did you post this on a Christian forum? The first post in this thread was your first post on the forum altogether. Why didn't you go post on a secular forum if you didn't want to hear from Christians?
 
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mkgal1

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.....when instead of advice I get “the Bible says”
Really? Read through the posts again. That's not why I see. Instead.....I'm seeing practical advice such as points being made about finances - and how a divorce isn't going to make that any better......points that address how you've only been married two years, and admitted to having low self-esteem due to childhood abuse and how a divorce isn't going to help to improve that...that getting a divorce will NOT stop the cycle, it will just change how it looks slightly.....etc. I see very little about "the Bible says.....".
 
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topher694

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It is more of a facepalm, when instead of advice I get “the Bible says”. Which is why I put that in my first post. It appears reading comprehension is quite low from some of the posters here.

My attitude has been a supportive husband since day one. What I wanted and need if for my wife to a partner support me as well. I am not getting that.

The counselor we went to had heard both sides and she had agreed with what I have said of the situation. Even my wife tells how supportive and loving I am to her. I am putting forth the effort. I am now tired of being the only one doing that.

Here I have several people making wrong assumptions on the point where I fee they are attacking my character. So yes, I will respond back to those somewhat harshly, and the “bible says this”. I am well aware of what the Bible states.

We have nothing but your word when it comes to your attitude and support in your marriage, or on what your counselor said or did not say. However, no one is has made wrong assumptions about how you've spoken about your wife here. You've made that plain. And the two don't line up. Insulting peoples ability to read isn't helping anything.
 
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Perrin

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confused here since you married in 2016, so you're basically newlyweds just 3 yrs in

your wife is now pregnant
this is a time for rejoicing and becoming a family


I would like to see you spend tens of thousands of dollars to bail your wife out of debt, for she had before we were married and didn’t tell her husband about. And I found that out by the IRS when they garnished my tax return.

Doesn’t work and yet spends money on things that we don’t need.

I am an accountant, I have already budgeted down to the min and trying to make it work. Hard when one is financially responsible and the other spends money with no care.

Clearly, a couple of you seem to live in some fantasy world.
 
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Perrin

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We have nothing but your word when it comes to your attitude and support in your marriage, or on what your counselor said or did not say. However, no one is has made wrong assumptions about how you've spoken about your wife here. You've made that plain. And the two don't line up. Insulting peoples ability to read isn't helping anything.

And the two don’t line up? Mind to elaborate on that?
 
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topher694

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I would like to see you spend tens of thousands of dollars to bail your wife out of debt, for she had before we were married and didn’t tell her husband about. And I found that out by the IRS when they garnished my tax return.

Doesn’t work and yet spends money on things that we don’t need.

I am an accountant, I have already budgeted down to the min and trying to make it work. Hard when one is financially responsible and the other spends money with no care.

Clearly, a couple of you seem to live in some fantasy world.

Actually I dealt with that exact situation fairly recently. They are currently climbing their way out of debt together quickly - cause that's part of marriage - and doing very well.
 
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mkgal1

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And the two don’t line up? Mind to elaborate on that?
"My wife the anchor"

"Doesn’t work and yet spends money on things that we don’t need."

"Doesn't contribute anything to the marriage"

"I look at her and I am not proud to have her."


"My attitude has been a supportive husband since day one"
 
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Perrin

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Really? Read through the posts again. That's not why I see. Instead.....I'm seeing practical advice such as points being made about finances - and how a divorce isn't going to make that any better......points that address how you've only been married two years, and admitted to having low self-esteem due to childhood abuse and how a divorce isn't going to help to improve that...that getting a divorce will NOT stop the cycle, it will just change how it looks slightly.....etc. I see very little about "the Bible says.....".


I guess your reading comprehension low.

Try reading again about the Bible references. I see that as the same thing.
 
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Perrin

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Actually I dealt with that exact situation fairly recently. They are currently climbing their way out of debt together quickly - cause that's part of marriage - and doing very well.


Key word “together”
 
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Perrin

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"My wife the anchor"

"Doesn’t work and yet spends money on things that we don’t need."

"Doesn't contribute anything to the marriage"

"I look at her and I am not proud to have her."


"My attitude has been a supportive husband since day one"

Yup, when I talk to her and actions towards her have been a supportive and loving husband. She has said the same to our counselor. I have tried to encourage her and support her towards goals. Issue is I am the only one doing the work.

And now my opinion of her and our marriage is different. Is that hard for you to understand?
 
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topher694

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For example:

Even my wife tells how supportive and loving I am to her. I am putting forth the effort. I am now tired of being the only one doing that.

does not line up with

Fast forward she is pregnant with our first daughter. Due in April. And I am not happy with our marriage. She has gained considerable weight and has stated how she will probably not lose much of it. Which I call bull on that.



Any advice would be helpful

does not line up with

It is more of a facepalm, when instead of advice I get “the Bible says”. Which is why I put that in my first post. It appears reading comprehension is quite low from some of the posters here.
(and many other posts)
 
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mkgal1

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I guess your reading comprehension low.

Try reading again about the Bible references. I see that as the same thing.
Or you have blinders on to what you don't wish to see/read (or - even as an accountant - maybe you struggle with calculating percentages?). The posts in this thread are definitely NOT 90% "the Bible says". But.....choose to see/not see what you wish. It's no consequence for any of us.
 
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Perrin

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Actually I dealt with that exact situation fairly recently. They are currently climbing their way out of debt together quickly - cause that's part of marriage - and doing very well.


I am the one who has applied to work and school to get to where I am today. And because if that
For example:



does not line up with







does not line up with


(and many other posts)


I guess I will try to break it down for you Barney style and use small words for you.

Since the start I have been supportive and loving, I was hoping that is what she needed to get herself going. That did not work, I tried for months and now I am not proud to call her my wife.

I am frustrated with her now, I want advice about dealing with the situation, not just well you need to love her as Jessie loved the church. What you don’t get is that I have been doing just that. To little change, and looking like she is reverting. I wanted what worked for couples, not the majority of responses I have gotten stating what I already know about the marriage and the Bible.

And when I said I call bull, she is afraid of the work it is to lose the weight. Not that she can’t, but she is unwilling to put forth the effort.
 
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Perrin

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You mean key out of context word. Your implication is flat out wrong on multiple levels.


You mention they are working together, where that is not the case for me.

So again key word in what you stated is that they are working together. It is not wrong.

Such as two oxen pulling a plow, in my case only one ox is moving.
 
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