On my last thread, marriage

[Dave L]

hello,

I am having issue with being married. These last few weeks I have been overwhelmed with feeling unhappy.

I married my wife in 2016, after dating for 2 years. I had thought I married someone who would be my partner in life and work with me. I found out months in that she has no drive for any kind of career, other than jobs like working at Walmart. She didn’t help keep the house, I did that, she spent money that she didn’t earn, she then would gaining weight and not do anything about it. This was when I was working 50 hours a week, going to college for my BA at night full time (2 classes a week). We went to counseling and over time she started contributing, we even got to a point where I thought everything was looking better. Fast forward she is pregnant with our first daughter. Due in April. And I am not happy with our marriage. She has gained considerable weight and has stated how she will probably not lose much of it. Which I call bull on that. I am in fear she will revert back, for she hasn’t show much else in progression.

Now side note, I have started a new job where a woman at this building has been flirting with me. And she has the qualities my wife is lacking, drive, strong work ethic, responsible and mature.

Now since this has happened, I think why I am married to wife? Why do I need to struggle financially, mentally and physically supporting her? I look at her and I am not proud to have her. I believe I married her for I didn’t think any other woman finds me attractive. I have issues with self worth, grew up with an abusive father, done wonders on my self esteem.

In the end I want to be happy, with my wife it is nothing but work and struggle. Any advice would be helpful, I am leaning towards divorce. And I am well aware of Bible on divorce.

You have the wife God gave you. You are murmuring against him and are unthankful. The Jews ended up taking 40 years of laps in the wilderness because of their complaining when they could have made the trip in 11 days. Plus all died in the wilderness because of their murmuring except Caleb and Joshua.

 

[Perrin]

You have the wife God gave you. You are murmuring against him and are unthankful. The Jews ended up taking 40 years of laps in the wilderness because of their complaining when they could have made the trip in 11 days. Plus all died in the wilderness because of their murmuring except Caleb and Joshua.

Didn’t David sleep with another man’s wife, then had the husband killed when the wife was pregnant from David? Was David still considered a friend of God?


Yes, I should be thankful of someone who contributes nothing to the marriage. To where I am stressed for trying to make this work only for it to revert back. (Sarcasm if you couldn’t tell).

 

[Tree of Life]

Didn’t David sleep with another man’s wife, then had the husband killed when the wife was pregnant from David? Was David still considered a friend of God?


Yes, I should be thankful of someone who contributes nothing to the marriage. To where I am stressed for trying to make this work only for it to revert back. (Sarcasm if you couldn’t tell).

Your situation certainly is frustrating. Even heart-breaking. No one should deny that. But you need to think more deeply about the gospel and how it applies to your situation. How has Jesus treated you? Has he loved you even though you've contributed nothing to your relationship with him? Or is your relationship with him an equal, give and take relationship?

 

[Perrin]

When I approach her about this, she was crying, for she had thought she had improved. To where she does help around the house, but that is it. Still nothing on job/career prospects. She had asked me what more could she do and I have already told her before. So I fear she isn’t reverting back to square 1.

She had first try to claim that her mom never taught her how to be a wife. Then her depression (which she is being treated for). At this point I rather not deal with this for the rest of my life.

Though I imagine if the divorce happens she probably would suddenly grow up and work to improve herself. Since that seems to be common trend.

 

[Perrin]

Your situation certainly is frustrating. Even heart-breaking. No one should deny that. But you need to think more deeply about the gospel and how it applies to your situation. How has Jesus treated you? Has he loved you even though you've contributed nothing to your relationship with him? Or is your relationship with him an equal, give and take relationship?

If this is the wife god gave me, then it appears I am on the short end of the stick when it comes to blessings in this life.

I am viewing this as I have one life to live in this planet, I already have one regret of not going for something. I don’t want to spend a life of misery married to an anchor.

 

[Perrin]

Sounds to ME like you're looking for any excuse to cheat.

What you're experiencing are the symptoms of your wife's depression. I'm pretty sure no one wishes to have depression.

Going back to my earlier question and comparison of other illnesses - would you be blaming your wife for "catfishing" you if she were diagnosed with cancer AFTER you were married?

Depression and cancer are not the same thing. I am going to ignore your question from that.

She had the depression long before I had met her, it was only when I had taken her to counseling that she gotten treatment for it. It was because of me not her that she has gotten anything done about it.

Which to be fair you don’t have all the details and it would be a small book if I wrote everything on here.

I would like to thank everyone for their input thus far.

 

[Tree of Life]

If this is the wife god gave me, then it appears I am on the short end of the stick when it comes to blessings in this life.

I am viewing this as I have one life to live in this planet, I already have one regret of not going for something. I don’t want to spend a life of misery married to an anchor.

That's a bad view. If we're going to follow Jesus he calls us to take up our cross and follow him. The crosses he gives us are situations that we would rather not deal with. Perhaps this difficult marriage is a cross for you to bear in this life. We are called to suffer in this life, not to seek to escape from all suffering. In heaven we will enjoy endless peace and comfort with the savior, but we're not going to experience all that now. If you "live for now" then you will lose your life. Only if you lose your life for his sake will you find it.

 

[topher694]

I am going to ignore your question from that.

So are you actually looking for advice here, or for someone to tell you it is ok to divorce your wife, or just looking to vent, or something else?

 

[Perrin]

So are you actually looking for advice here, or for someone to tell you it is ok to divorce your wife, or just looking to vent, or something else?

When someone does an asinine things such as comparing two different illness and try’s to dress them up as the same thing. I tend to ignore that.

 

[topher694]

When someone does an asinine things such as comparing two different illness and try’s to dress them up as the same thing. I tend to ignore that.

That didn't answer my question.

 

[mkgal1]

Depression and cancer are not the same thing.

They are the same in the sense that a person has no control over whether they get them or not. IOW....they aren't to blame for either illness (nor are they in control of "making it go away").

The way you're posting - you seem to not be considering her depression as an illness. Instead, you seem to be looking at it as a character defect. That is why I brought up cancer. Neither cancer nor depression are character defects (another way they are similar).

 

[mkgal1]

When someone does an asinine things [hits a nerve] such as comparing two different illness and try’s to dress them up as the same thing. I tend to ignore that.

In other words......"I tend to pivot and deflect".

 

[Perrin]

So are you actually looking for advice here, or for someone to tell you it is ok to divorce your wife, or just looking to vent, or something else?

Looking for advice and vent tbh. I stated in the beginning that I know what the Bible states on divorce
, and yet that is 90% of the posts on here. Which tells me most of this posting are either not in a marriage, or have not gone through what I am going through.

 

[New Birth]

you sound selfish and un thankful. I feel sorry for your wife having to live with someone that does not love her and considers marriage vows as empty words. For better of worse remember, if your commitment is based on your selfishness then your not doing her any justice. Adultery is a sin.

 

[mkgal1]

I stated in the beginning that I know what the Bible states on divorce, and yet that is 90% of the posts on here. Which tells me most of this posting are either not in a marriage, or have gone through what I am going through.

Should we take a vote?

How many that are posting in this thread are married?

How many years? 30 years

Have you ever wanted a divorce or believed you married the wrong person? But we both persevered.

 

[unfinishedclay]

The OP's wife sounds depressed

Perrin, these were my exact same thoughts reading your OP.

I think entertainment images and over exposure to people's bodies as a whole have added more temptation on those who are visually-driven than God intended. The apostle, Paul, had said in one of his letters that God would not allow us to be tempted above what we are able to bear. But when we place our ownselves in temptation (looking at images, making comparisons, and entertaining the wrong company despite the Truth we already know), then expect one single seed of sin to grow into a stronghold because that's typically what happens.

If you want to author your own outcome in this marriage, you just may find yourself gratified for a time (maybe a year...maybe a decade). But once that time of gratification times out, the impact of consequence is always unexpected and disheartening - to say the very least. All we have to do is read our Bible to know that to be true - read it and care, that is.

 

[snoochface]

You're getting biblical advice. What a shock for a Christian forum......

 

[topher694]

Looking for advice and vent tbh. I stated in the beginning that I know what the Bible states on divorce
, and yet that is 90% of the posts on here. Which tells me most of this posting are either not in a marriage, or have not gone through what I am going through.

Well if you are looking to vent, then vent. But if you are looking for advice as you state then perhaps you should take it in instead of attacking what you don't like, it appears your way of doing things hasn't worked all that great for you otherwise you wouldn't be here asking about it.

I've been married for 20 years and we have had some very good years and some very bad years. We've been through things much, much worse than you've outlined here. Today we are pastors working alongside one another and have counseled many couples with struggles like yours and far worse.

As I said before, there is too much going on to get into any depth on an internet forum, but you've opened the door and rather than listen you've attacked anything you don't like. I have seen that MANY times as well (oh, the stories I could tell). You know what that is always a symptom of? She is not the problem. She may have her own problems, as we all do, but before anything in your marriage can change, your attitude has to change.

If you want to try to fix things, talk to a pastor along side a counselor. But only do that if you are willing to listen, otherwise it is a waste of time. If you want to vent, then vent and don't worry about the responses.

 

[maintenance man]

Should we take a vote?

How many that are posting in this thread are married?

How many years? 30 years

Have you ever wanted a divorce or believed you married the wrong person? But we both persevered.

Married over 30 years.

Went through some very difficult times.

We worked through it.

Still going strong. Praise God!

 

[Perrin]

In other words......"I tend to pivot and deflect".

Just because someone has an illness, doesn’t dismiss their actions as a whole.

I have lost friends to both depression and cancer. Which is why I am dismissive of such a weak attempt of a point you are naively trying to make.

Three have committed suicide and one had died to a muscle eating cancer.