On my last thread, marriage

Perrin

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hello,

I am having issue with being married. These last few weeks I have been overwhelmed with feeling unhappy.

I married my wife in 2016, after dating for 2 years. I had thought I married someone who would be my partner in life and work with me. I found out months in that she has no drive for any kind of career, other than jobs like working at Walmart. She didn’t help keep the house, I did that, she spent money that she didn’t earn, she then would gaining weight and not do anything about it. This was when I was working 50 hours a week, going to college for my BA at night full time (2 classes a week). We went to counseling and over time she started contributing, we even got to a point where I thought everything was looking better. Fast forward she is pregnant with our first daughter. Due in April. And I am not happy with our marriage. She has gained considerable weight and has stated how she will probably not lose much of it. Which I call bull on that. I am in fear she will revert back, for she hasn’t show much else in progression.

Now side note, I have started a new job where a woman at this building has been flirting with me. And she has the qualities my wife is lacking, drive, strong work ethic, responsible and mature.

Now since this has happened, I think why I am married to wife? Why do I need to struggle financially, mentally and physically supporting her? I look at her and I am not proud to have her. I believe I married her for I didn’t think any other woman finds me attractive. I have issues with self worth, grew up with an abusive father, done wonders on my self esteem.

In the end I want to be happy, with my wife it is nothing but work and struggle. Any advice would be helpful, I am leaning towards divorce. And I am well aware of Bible on divorce.
 

snoochface

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If you're well aware of what the Bible says about divorce, and whether or not your reasons for wanting divorce line up with the Bible's stance, then your questions are answered. You should not turn to people, sinful humans, looking for permission or commiseration about wanting to divorce your wife. You should look to see what God says about it - which you say you have done.

So, do your reasons for wanting divorce line up with what God says about marriage? Do they meet the reasons that God gives for divorce to be permissible? Answer those questions, and you'll have the answers about what to do.

My advice is to get into spiritual counseling. You've been through secular counseling and found it helpful, but it sounds like spiritual guidance is more needed at this point. Maybe you will be able to find a counselor who can do both.
 
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Perrin

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Your first two paragraphs I am going to dismiss. For selfish reasons I will admit, I am not going to continue to work myself to exhaust on on levels just to keep this marriage. I have been doing that for years and I am tired of it. So while yes I know God’s word on divorce, i am not going to go through these cycles for the rest of my life.

I am seeking another counselor, meeting with him at the end of this month.
 
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maintenance man

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I have started a new job where a woman at this building has been flirting with me. And she has the qualities my wife is lacking, drive, strong work ethic, responsible and mature.

You should consider carefully trading in your old wife for a new one - you may just find a new set of problems. In addition, you will still be in financial trouble since you will be paying child support and possibly additional money to your ex-wife. Your daughter needs a father in the home. Your daughter needs two loving parents. I assume you married your wife because you love her - what happened to that love? Obviously, I don't know the details of your relationship, but it does sound like you want your wife to be something she is not - my feeling is you will be better off trying to love her for who she is. Any change should be her desire not yours and then you should support her in her effort. Your wife is more likely to want to change if you give her a loving reason to change rather than making a demand.
 
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topher694

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Your first two paragraphs I am going to dismiss. For selfish reasons I will admit, I am not going to continue to work myself to exhaust on on levels just to keep this marriage. I have been doing that for years and I am tired of it. So while yes I know God’s word on divorce, i am not going to go through these cycles for the rest of my life.

I am seeking another counselor, meeting with him at the end of this month.

There is far too much going on here to address properly in a forum setting. So I will say this: getting a divorce will NOT stop the cycle, it will just change how it looks slightly. I agree with getting spiritual counseling, find a pastor who can counsel you, and if you are not attending a local church regularly, find one and start going.
 
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Dave-W

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Suggestion:

7 Day Marriage Challenge |

Take the 7 Day Marriage Challenge
Completing the 7 Day Marriage Challenge outlined in both editions of this book will:
  • Bring you and your spouse to a deeper level of understanding, respect, and appreciation for one another.
  • Equip you with tools to bring real and lasting improvements to all aspects of your marriage.
  • Spark more spontaneity, fun and laughter in your relationship.
  • Cultivate a spiritual renewal in your marriage bringing you both into a closer relationship with God as you grow in a closer relationship with your spouse.
  • Create lasting memories and healthy new habits that will endure long after the seven days have ended.
  • Renew your passion, your friendship and your commitment for each other.
 
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mkgal1

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Your wife is more likely to want to change if you give her a loving reason to change rather than making a demand.
This is the absolute truth.

The OP's wife sounds depressed (which, I imagine probably comes from her sense that her husband - the OP - has contempt for her). It becomes a viscous cycle - the more contempt is proven, the more sullen and hopeless the other person becomes - which then fuels the contempt even more.

There is far too much going on here to address properly in a forum setting. So I will say this: getting a divorce will NOT stop the cycle, it will just change how it looks slightly
More absolute truth.

You - OP - mentioned a childhood with an abusive father. Until that's healed, your wounds are going to continue to affect your relationships (and your daughter deserves a father that can love her in a healthy way). Instead of complicating things even MORE by flirting with a whole new relationship (which seems like a way to escape this reality you've come to recognize ) - I'd suggest you address what's already on your plate and seek counseling with someone that specializes in childhood trauma.
 
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Perrin

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You should consider carefully trading in your old wife for a new one - you may just find a new set of problems. In addition, you will still be in financial trouble since you will be paying child support and possibly additional money to your ex-wife. Your daughter needs a father in the home. Your daughter needs two loving parents. I assume you married your wife because you love her - what happened to that love? Obviously, I don't know the details of your relationship, but it does sound like you want your wife to be something she is not - my feeling is you will be better off trying to love her for who she is. Any change should be her desire not yours and then you should support


When we first got together, she told me how she wanted to pursue a career in nursing. And while we were dating she kept herself in shape. I was under the impression she had those qualities. After we were married that went away. She would sit on the couch and not move and nothing would have been done. I had tried to help her go back to school, she doesn’t want to do that. I tried to support other careers to little progress. For the last 2 years I have been supportive and caring.

Now this past summer, I thought she was making steps forward, with finding a better job, and that is when she became pregnant. So that was put on hold.
 
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Perrin

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This is the absolute truth.

The OP's wife sounds depressed (which, I imagine probably comes from her sense that her husband - the OP - has contempt for her). It becomes a viscous cycle - the more contempt is proven, the more sullen and hopeless the other person becomes - which then fuels the contempt even more.

She does have depression, but not from my actions or words. She didn’t know I had these feelings until I taken her to a counselor with me and I told her and she was surprised, in her mind nothing was wrong. Your imagination is way off base here.
 
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mkgal1

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She does have depression, but not from my actions or words. She didn’t know I had these feelings until I taken her to a counselor with me and I told her and she was surprised, in her mind nothing was wrong. Your imagination is way off base here.
Is she being treated for her depression?

If she were diagnosed with cancer - would you blame her for her symptoms in the same way you're blaming her for her depression?

Did you not vow to remain true to her "in sickness and in health"?
 
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Tree of Life

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hello,

I am having issue with being married. These last few weeks I have been overwhelmed with feeling unhappy.

I married my wife in 2016, after dating for 2 years. I had thought I married someone who would be my partner in life and work with me. I found out months in that she has no drive for any kind of career, other than jobs like working at Walmart. She didn’t help keep the house, I did that, she spent money that she didn’t earn, she then would gaining weight and not do anything about it. This was when I was working 50 hours a week, going to college for my BA at night full time (2 classes a week). We went to counseling and over time she started contributing, we even got to a point where I thought everything was looking better. Fast forward she is pregnant with our first daughter. Due in April. And I am not happy with our marriage. She has gained considerable weight and has stated how she will probably not lose much of it. Which I call bull on that. I am in fear she will revert back, for she hasn’t show much else in progression.

Now side note, I have started a new job where a woman at this building has been flirting with me. And she has the qualities my wife is lacking, drive, strong work ethic, responsible and mature.

Now since this has happened, I think why I am married to wife? Why do I need to struggle financially, mentally and physically supporting her? I look at her and I am not proud to have her. I believe I married her for I didn’t think any other woman finds me attractive. I have issues with self worth, grew up with an abusive father, done wonders on my self esteem.

In the end I want to be happy, with my wife it is nothing but work and struggle. Any advice would be helpful, I am leaning towards divorce. And I am well aware of Bible on divorce.

Is there any good reason that Jesus has stuck with you all these years? If you can find one, then maybe you can find a good reason to leave your wife for someone better.
 
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mkgal1

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I have been seeing an counselor for my past and I am not acting in any way as my father had to me. Nor will I be doing that to my daughter.
Just because you aren't "acting in any way" as your father had - doesn't mean you don't have unhealthy beliefs below the surface (and wishing to escape to a fantasy world when a major life change occurs is actually one example).
 
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mkgal1

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Not trying to escape, more of feeing of being catfishes into a marriage. When only one does all the work and the other doesn’t not contribute.

Sounds like to me your are projecting yourself into my situation.
That reminds me of the childhood game "hot potato".

No.....I am extremely fortunate to have had a very loving childhood free of difficulty. I'm not projecting. I wish I COULD project my childhood onto you.
 
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RaymondG

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The appearance of greener grass on the other side sometimes makes us see more problems with our own lawns.....It makes us point out all the weeds and, sometimes, decide that there are too many to pull out.....and that it would be easier to just move to the lawn that already has the green grass.

When we move, we notice that, that which once appeared green, is now fading in an unnatural fashion. You discover....that the grass is fake.....it has a limited life span...and once it fades and is removed, you are left with a barren wasteland.

Do not be fooled by the appearance of greener pastures......and do not let appearances make you look more negatively at what you currently have. With a little work, your current situation could turn out to be better for you in the end....
 
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Perrin

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The appearance of greener grass on the other side sometimes makes us see more problems with our own lawns.....It makes us point out all the weeds and, sometimes, decide that there are too many to pull out.....and that it would be easier to just move to the lawn that already has the green grass.

When we move, we notice that, that which once appeared green, is now fading in an unnatural fashion. You discover....that the grass is fake.....it has a limited life span...and once it fades and is removed, you are lift with a Barron wasteland.

Do not be fools by the appearance of greener pastures......and do not let appearances make you look more negatively at what you currently have. With a little work, your current situation could turn out to be better for you in the end....


There is barely any grass where I am standing, I have done everything to pull the weeds for grass to grow again. All I get in the end is being drained. I am not proud to say she is my wife, more a dependent. I don’t see the reason why I have to put forth so much work, time and energy. When I am believing more and more this was a mistake I had made, thinking she was going to be my partner, but instead an anchor.
 
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mkgal1

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Not trying to escape, more of feeing of being catfishes into a marriage. When only one does all the work and the other doesn’t not contribute.

Sounds like to me your are projecting yourself into my situation.
Sounds to ME like you're looking for any excuse to cheat.

What you're experiencing are the symptoms of your wife's depression. I'm pretty sure no one wishes to have depression.

Going back to my earlier question and comparison of other illnesses - would you be blaming your wife for "catfishing" you if she were diagnosed with cancer AFTER you were married?
 
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eleos1954

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hello,

I am having issue with being married. These last few weeks I have been overwhelmed with feeling unhappy.

I married my wife in 2016, after dating for 2 years. I had thought I married someone who would be my partner in life and work with me. I found out months in that she has no drive for any kind of career, other than jobs like working at Walmart. She didn’t help keep the house, I did that, she spent money that she didn’t earn, she then would gaining weight and not do anything about it. This was when I was working 50 hours a week, going to college for my BA at night full time (2 classes a week). We went to counseling and over time she started contributing, we even got to a point where I thought everything was looking better. Fast forward she is pregnant with our first daughter. Due in April. And I am not happy with our marriage. She has gained considerable weight and has stated how she will probably not lose much of it. Which I call bull on that. I am in fear she will revert back, for she hasn’t show much else in progression.

Now side note, I have started a new job where a woman at this building has been flirting with me. And she has the qualities my wife is lacking, drive, strong work ethic, responsible and mature.

Now since this has happened, I think why I am married to wife? Why do I need to struggle financially, mentally and physically supporting her? I look at her and I am not proud to have her. I believe I married her for I didn’t think any other woman finds me attractive. I have issues with self worth, grew up with an abusive father, done wonders on my self esteem.

In the end I want to be happy, with my wife it is nothing but work and struggle. Any advice would be helpful, I am leaning towards divorce. And I am well aware of Bible on divorce.

so... what does she say when you talk to her about all this?
 
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mkgal1

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All I get in the end is being drained

When I am believing more and more this was a mistake I had made, thinking she was going to be my partner, but instead an anchor.
Now that she knows this through counseling.....I can only see it getting better with acceptance and love.

And maybe you're feeling drained because you're "working" in the wrong area? Focusing on your own healing may prove to be less of a drain where you can experience progress and a sense of growth.
 
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