omiai, Japanese tradition arrainge marraige systems and me

[Hoankan]

When I first became an Orthodox Christian, I never would have imagined the journey I was stepping onto. The hardships either keeping with the faith or trying to do some of the most basic tennants. Dealing with others and the challenges that it presented.

It doesn't help all the problems I have been through, the emotional abuse, neglect, fraud and what not. Anxiety attacks, isolation, PTSD, depression and everything else.

I cannot say that things are clearing as there are still more than enough problems to make me want to put my head under my pillow and try to forget the world. But I have also felt that something is changing. I must move on and despite all the challenges, I must try to make something positive beyond my contributions as a teacher. I feel that my time is drawing short and that change is coming.

I cannot say that it was deep prayer that brought me to this, but pray I did and reading some of the books I have on saints, I knew that my family must take a larger presence in my life. My mother's health is not so good so soon I will have to return and take care of her. But there is also the truth that having my own family.

The thought of going out into the dating scene has no appeal to me both for reasons of purpose (marraige oriented) and personal past experiences. At my church the men greatly outnumber the women so I needed another way to find a partner.

Enter Japanese arrainged marraige or omiai. I have to admit that this is a bit nerve wracking. Even though I have been in Japan for 13 years, this is going very deep into the culture. It is nearly unheard of for a foreign man to do this (some foreign women do, but again a small minority). It is also expensive.

So as I go on this very unique path that I pray God has guided me to, I ask for your prayers and wisdom. I don't have much time now but I will outline what I know and what will happen. I'll also highlight what I do not know and keep everyone who is curious updated.

 

[Boris89]

To me this sounds like buying your way to a partner through some organization. No wonder it's so nerve wracking. After all you live in a predominantly pagan society and you could expect nothing less from it's customs.

Why not just keep praying? When you are ready for it, God will lead you to a partner in the way and time He sees is best for you. In the meantime keep working, caring for your close ones and everything will come into place.

 

[rusmeister]

Well, I sure as heck know what it's like to live as a permanent expat, forever an exile.

I hope/trust/assume that this would be to a Japanese Orthodox woman? It doesn't seem to me that it matters, arranged or not, but I think the Orthodox part matters very much.

Lord, have mercy!

 

[Dorothea]

Hi, Hoankan. Nice to see you here again. How long are you to be in Japan? I take it your job has you there? So, it's really indefinite, probably? Just trying to get an idea of your living situation there and such.

 

[Hoankan]

Hi, Hoankan. Nice to see you here again. How long are you to be in Japan? I take it your job has you there? So, it's really indefinite, probably? Just trying to get an idea of your living situation there and such.

Today is for us, tomorrow for God. I honest do not know what the future will bring. I do know that the constant negative pressures put on me, I need to work today to make something positive and take steps in a positive direction.

@Rus- In my area (area in this case defined as group of prefectures like saying Northwest US) there are only two single female Orthodox women. Both of them are college students. In my prefecture I am the lone Orthodox. Not an ideal situation to say the least.

@Boris, you do have a point, however most modern Japanese would fall into the agnostic category. It is something that would have to be talked over and worked on during communication both with the counselor and any woman I choose to meet. I should have said before I do have the blessing of my priest on this endeavour.

 

[Hoankan]

A little explaination of the more traditional omiai service. While it goes as arrainged marraige in English, there are some subtle differences. Namely that the service introduces two people who want to get married and then let them decided if it is what they want. For Japanese this can be important as there really aren't easy chances to meet potential partners. There is of course the bars (not going to happen) the internet matchmaking sites such as match.com (which I have tried), friends matching (my friends are all married so that doesn't happen) and for those of the right faith, churches and or temples. For me, there are Baptists and pentacostals in the area.Neither are good choices for me.

The process is as follows:

Preliminary meeting: company explains how they operate and prices. If agreed, then payment methods are set up. The company I am going with is the most expensive and most traditional as none of the others would take me. Entrance fee is $1,500 and $150 a month. To meet a person is $105 and should the two of us get married then another $520 is paid. So this is for serious people only. The company does provide personal support and there is no use of the internet.

Stage two; preparation: This includes giving your vital information (you have to prove you are single, college diploma and any other important lisences), your own personal introduction, professional pictures, and a counseling meeting. I am at this stage now, I will go next Sunday to meet the counselor. This meeting helps them determine what type of partner would be best for you.

Stage three; introductions: Twice a month you are sent a profile of a person the counselors believe you will be a good match with. The profile includes, pictures, introductory speech, and counselor recommendation. You then have to say if you want to meet them or not. They will have gotten your profile and they have to say the same thing. If both of you agree to meet, then the company arrainges a meeting and the two of you and the counselor will get together. If things work, you will exchange phone numbers and what not to continue. If not then you wait for the next mail.

Stage four: If the couple decide to try and build a relationship, then the monthly fee is put on hold though counseling services are still avaliable for free. Either the two of you decide to marry or decide not to. If you marry you pay the $520 and move on. If you don't then the monthly fee starts up and you begin to meet anew.

 

[buzuxi02]

Go for it. If your financially capable to afford this service, it actually sounds ingenious.

 

[ArmyMatt]

Lord have mercy, hope you can figure this all out

 

[27B6]

...

 

[Andrea411]

When I first became an Orthodox Christian, I never would have imagined the journey I was stepping onto. The hardships either keeping with the faith or trying to do some of the most basic tennants. Dealing with others and the challenges that it presented.

It doesn't help all the problems I have been through, the emotional abuse, neglect, fraud and what not. Anxiety attacks, isolation, PTSD, depression and everything else.

I cannot say that things are clearing as there are still more than enough problems to make me want to put my head under my pillow and try to forget the world. But I have also felt that something is changing. I must move on and despite all the challenges, I must try to make something positive beyond my contributions as a teacher. I feel that my time is drawing short and that change is coming.

I cannot say that it was deep prayer that brought me to this, but pray I did and reading some of the books I have on saints, I knew that my family must take a larger presence in my life. My mother's health is not so good so soon I will have to return and take care of her. But there is also the truth that having my own family.

The thought of going out into the dating scene has no appeal to me both for reasons of purpose (marraige oriented) and personal past experiences. At my church the men greatly outnumber the women so I needed another way to find a partner.

Enter Japanese arrainged marraige or omiai. I have to admit that this is a bit nerve wracking. Even though I have been in Japan for 13 years, this is going very deep into the culture. It is nearly unheard of for a foreign man to do this (some foreign women do, but again a small minority). It is also expensive.

So as I go on this very unique path that I pray God has guided me to, I ask for your prayers and wisdom. I don't have much time now but I will outline what I know and what will happen. I'll also highlight what I do not know and keep everyone who is curious updated.

I hope this works out for you as well as for her, love is a choice and there should be nothing stopping two people who are in agreement from entering into a good relationship as long as your both honest and equally yoked. You probably stand a better chance then most people who marry for love and are not equally yoked. I say this from the perspective of a 40 year marriage blessed by God. Love is wonderful, but even I had to make a choice at one point... a choice to commit no matter what. Only then did our marriage work. Make sure you respect and like her, love will follow.
God bless, andrea

 

[Hoankan]

I hope this works out for you as well as for her, love is a choice and there should be nothing stopping two people who are in agreement from entering into a good relationship as long as your both honest and equally yoked. You probably stand a better chance then most people who marry for love and are not equally yoked. I say this from the perspective of a 40 year marriage blessed by God. Love is wonderful, but even I had to make a choice at one point... a choice to commit no matter what. Only then did our marriage work. Make sure you respect and like her, love will follow.
God bless, andrea

I think this is one of the major reasons that going this route makes me feel comfortable instead of sending my anxiety through the roof. Both parties are paying a lot of money to meet a potential partner. That means we are all very serious so one major hurdle is already overcame (finding people who are serious about marraige). That makes it easier to introduce Orthodoxy to any partner as it is an inseperable part of my life. And it also allows me to show that I have had hard times but I want to move in a positive direction; hopefully without recrimination.

 

[Hoankan]

Hoankan,

Omiai ought to be an interesting experience. When I was over there some of my students would talk about their experiences.

Quick question: Have you asked your priest or bishop to put the word out across all the Orthodox parishes around Japan? I mean, you said there are only two young single gals in your region. But surely there must be others who are older in the bigger cities that you might be able to date long distance?

Hey, if you want to talk to another old Japan hand, just pm me anytime.

~Patrick

Talking with an old hand would be helpful. Most of the younger generation don't consider this route. I told my adult student yesterday. She's about 28 and she was quite surprised by the whole thing. So some extra points of view is always welcome.

As for your question, I had considered many a time. In the end, at this time I do not think that I have the strength to endure another long distance relationship. I think Father George understands this or he would have offered to put out the word.

 

[MariaRegina]

My prayers for this arranged marriage, Hoankan, if that be the will of God.

Just three months before I met my husband, I had prayed that I would meet my spouse at a Christian gathering, that he would be a Christian, and that he would be blonde with blue eyes. (Had to toss in a marker.)

He was baptized just one month before I married him because he wanted to receive the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony, but we did meet at a Christian singles potluck, and at that time, he did express an interest in Christianity. Oh, and he was a Swedish blonde with blue eyes!

 

[27B6]

...

 

[Hoankan]

There is wisdom in your concern. I will try to address it as best as I can and I thank you for your thoughts and willingness to express them.

If I had to choose between returning to the regular dating scene or staying single, then there is no choice involved, I would remain single. The regular dating scene is a three ring circus filled with landmines, lies, deception, selfishness and choices that I am uninterested in partaking in. To sort through all of that is tiresome, especially as I seem to attract the worst of the lot. I know there are good women out there, but the ones I show interest in never show interest in me. I have no interest in doing this anymore. And after all I have been through, I do not respond like one who would be apart of this anymore. Maybe I am too jaded or maybe I have just grown beyond or maybe I have just seen too many horrors that this scene can produce.

With regards to long distance relationships, that is a different animal. I have done some in the past. I do not find that they are bad, but they place challenges when you are able to meet. I have spent a great deal of time alone. These past three years, nearly all of my friends have abandoned me to my fate instead of help or played down and belittled the situation. The few friends who have stood up and helped are not near and can do little. Over the past year this has changed some as I moved and my neighbors have been a Godsend to me. For me, to have a relationship now, the ability to do things together is extremely important. I think if I was to do a long distance relationship, the constant emails and phone calls while not being able to do things together would be too taxing on me.

I saved the comment about being brittle for last as it, I think, deserves special comment. Sun Tzu once said 'if you know the enemy and know yourself then you need not fear a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, then for every victory gained you shall suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy or yourself, then you shall subcome in every battle.'

Throughout my ordeals, I have often referred to fighting a lone battle. I have also likened it to trenchwarfare in the intensity and toll it has taken. When depression hits, the song that resonates the most with me is by Sabaton entitled 'the Price of a Mile.' Whether I am strong or not, I cannot say. That I have survived is a testament to the Grace of God and His Will and Reasons why, not to me. That I have recovered as much as I have is by His strength and guidance.

My ordeals are not over. Even as I put old ones behind me and move to heal, new ones are arising. Some have tried to tear old wounds open anew. Others are looming in the horizon, known and unavoidable. Three omiai services rejected me when I was honest about the challenges I face. This one understood and was willing to work with me. Two weeks ago I got hit with a really bad problem, one that almost made me withdraw from the omiai service. But to give up would mean resigning myself to the negativity that surrounds me.

For a long time I have prayed for mercy and for support. God has given me a few friends, a good priest, good neighbors and my lifeline, my students. And for the first time, it seems like he has given me a way forward. And a way forward is something I know needs to be done. It won't be easy, but it never has been. Yes, there are some things that would send me running back to the trench and dig deeper, but those are wounds that can only be healed with understand and love. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should have given up. But it is a step forward, one that does have some support. If I am wrong, then may God have mercy on my soul for being presumptuous.

I don't know if this has answered your concern or made it worse, but it is the best I can do.

 

[ma2000]

Hello again, Mitchell!

It's nice seeing you again! It's been so long!
I really hope that things will work out in your life!
If there aren't many Orthodox single women, do you think that other English teachers in Japan would be a good choice? Just asking..

I hope that omiai works out for you! Please keep us updated!

Wish you the best!

In Christ,

Marius