Old Dog, New Tricks

[ViaCrucis]

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful gal for the last several months. This is a new experience for me, as at age 35, soon to be 36, I have never been in a romantic relationship previously. In fact I had largely learned to accept the very real possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life--a fact that I was actually learning to be at peace with.

I've actually learned several things about myself through this. I've realized that for a very long time now I have actually put a pretty strong wall around myself to protect myself from my own feelings. It's only been lately that I've started to let myself be emotionally vulnerable again, which is certainly terrifying in its own right, as I don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt a lot in the past, while never having been in a relationship, I have certainly pursued them and thus I have a long track record of rejection, in some cases very painful rejection, which often gnawed away at my self esteem. But it is also very liberating, because I know that keeping one's emotions bottled away isn't healthy; and while I had suspicions that this was probably the case, it is only recently that I've realized this has been the case.

I am, however, facing several difficulties; not the relationship itself so much as me. For one, I am basically learning how to be a boyfriend for the first time in my mid-30's, something that--arguably--most other dudes had to learn when they were teenagers or in their early 20's. As such I'm keenly aware that there's a certain maturity I should be able to demonstrate at my age that a much younger person can get away with simply on account of their age. However, I am wholly without experience here, I don't have a lifetime of experiences by which to draw wisdom from. I don't have many friends from whom I can take a great deal of advice. I've also realized that what I can glean from my own father is limited as, well, he was basically my age when he met and married my mom, and she was his first real girlfriend. And unfortunately my mom hasn't been with us since I was 18.

If I am being entirely honest, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of here. I feel like I'm in a boat with one paddle and no clue which direction the river is going. I am also aware that the appropriate person to be bringing a lot of my own personal fears and concerns with here is with her, I know that in my head, because that's exactly the advice I'd give someone else. But I'm also afraid, afraid that letting her encounter a lot of my inner world might scare her. I don't want to burden her with my own neuroses, with my--for lack of a better word--my "crazy".

I'm not entirely certain why I'm posting this thread. Perhaps people can share some of their insights here, or perhaps I just really want some encouragement from others. Perhaps these are just some things that I've needed to express to other human beings because keeping a lot of these thoughts trapped inside my mind can start driving me a little batty.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who did read this for having done so. And am certainly open to input and thoughts that might help make my own thoughts more clear here.

-CryptoLutheran

 

[Sketcher]

Congrats. Subscribing, because I have a similar history (but no lady).

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Row with the flow ...

 

[ViaCrucis]

Row with the flow ...

Thank you. It's something I've been thinking about too: That I'm spending too much time in my own head, when instead I should be having more faith in her--more faith that she loves me for me and that it's okay for me to be loved.

I need to take each day, each moment, one at a time. And appreciate them for what they are.

Again, thank you.

-CryptoLutheran

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Thank you. It's something I've been thinking about too: That I'm spending too much time in my own head, when instead I should be having more faith in her--more faith that she loves me for me and that it's okay for me to be loved.

I need to take each day, each moment, one at a time. And appreciate them for what they are.

Again, thank you.

-CryptoLutheran

More fun too. The worst thing that I ever see happening is having preconceived ideas of what you should be doing.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Thank you. It's something I've been thinking about too: That I'm spending too much time in my own head, when instead I should be having more faith in her--more faith that she loves me for me and that it's okay for me to be loved.

I need to take each day, each moment, one at a time. And appreciate them for what they are.

Again, thank you.

-CryptoLutheran

That's pretty much it, Via. One ... day ... at a time, partner. One patient and loving step at a time, too.

 

[Job3315]

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful gal for the last several months. This is a new experience for me, as at age 35, soon to be 36, I have never been in a romantic relationship previously. In fact I had largely learned to accept the very real possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life--a fact that I was actually learning to be at peace with.

I've actually learned several things about myself through this. I've realized that for a very long time now I have actually put a pretty strong wall around myself to protect myself from my own feelings. It's only been lately that I've started to let myself be emotionally vulnerable again, which is certainly terrifying in its own right, as I don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt a lot in the past, while never having been in a relationship, I have certainly pursued them and thus I have a long track record of rejection, in some cases very painful rejection, which often gnawed away at my self esteem. But it is also very liberating, because I know that keeping one's emotions bottled away isn't healthy; and while I had suspicions that this was probably the case, it is only recently that I've realized this has been the case.

I am, however, facing several difficulties; not the relationship itself so much as me. For one, I am basically learning how to be a boyfriend for the first time in my mid-30's, something that--arguably--most other dudes had to learn when they were teenagers or in their early 20's. As such I'm keenly aware that there's a certain maturity I should be able to demonstrate at my age that a much younger person can get away with simply on account of their age. However, I am wholly without experience here, I don't have a lifetime of experiences by which to draw wisdom from. I don't have many friends from whom I can take a great deal of advice. I've also realized that what I can glean from my own father is limited as, well, he was basically my age when he met and married my mom, and she was his first real girlfriend. And unfortunately my mom hasn't been with us since I was 18.

If I am being entirely honest, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of here. I feel like I'm in a boat with one paddle and no clue which direction the river is going. I am also aware that the appropriate person to be bringing a lot of my own personal fears and concerns with here is with her, I know that in my head, because that's exactly the advice I'd give someone else. But I'm also afraid, afraid that letting her encounter a lot of my inner world might scare her. I don't want to burden her with my own neuroses, with my--for lack of a better word--my "crazy".

I'm not entirely certain why I'm posting this thread. Perhaps people can share some of their insights here, or perhaps I just really want some encouragement from others. Perhaps these are just some things that I've needed to express to other human beings because keeping a lot of these thoughts trapped inside my mind can start driving me a little batty.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who did read this for having done so. And am certainly open to input and thoughts that might help make my own thoughts more clear here.

-CryptoLutheran

Jimmy Evans has a great ministry about relationships and marriages. He has tons of ideas, free services and classes online.

 

[Mel2020]

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful gal for the last several months. This is a new experience for me, as at age 35, soon to be 36, I have never been in a romantic relationship previously. In fact I had largely learned to accept the very real possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life--a fact that I was actually learning to be at peace with.

I've actually learned several things about myself through this. I've realized that for a very long time now I have actually put a pretty strong wall around myself to protect myself from my own feelings. It's only been lately that I've started to let myself be emotionally vulnerable again, which is certainly terrifying in its own right, as I don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt a lot in the past, while never having been in a relationship, I have certainly pursued them and thus I have a long track record of rejection, in some cases very painful rejection, which often gnawed away at my self esteem. But it is also very liberating, because I know that keeping one's emotions bottled away isn't healthy; and while I had suspicions that this was probably the case, it is only recently that I've realized this has been the case.

I am, however, facing several difficulties; not the relationship itself so much as me. For one, I am basically learning how to be a boyfriend for the first time in my mid-30's, something that--arguably--most other dudes had to learn when they were teenagers or in their early 20's. As such I'm keenly aware that there's a certain maturity I should be able to demonstrate at my age that a much younger person can get away with simply on account of their age. However, I am wholly without experience here, I don't have a lifetime of experiences by which to draw wisdom from. I don't have many friends from whom I can take a great deal of advice. I've also realized that what I can glean from my own father is limited as, well, he was basically my age when he met and married my mom, and she was his first real girlfriend. And unfortunately my mom hasn't been with us since I was 18.

If I am being entirely honest, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of here. I feel like I'm in a boat with one paddle and no clue which direction the river is going. I am also aware that the appropriate person to be bringing a lot of my own personal fears and concerns with here is with her, I know that in my head, because that's exactly the advice I'd give someone else. But I'm also afraid, afraid that letting her encounter a lot of my inner world might scare her. I don't want to burden her with my own neuroses, with my--for lack of a better word--my "crazy".

I'm not entirely certain why I'm posting this thread. Perhaps people can share some of their insights here, or perhaps I just really want some encouragement from others. Perhaps these are just some things that I've needed to express to other human beings because keeping a lot of these thoughts trapped inside my mind can start driving me a little batty.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who did read this for having done so. And am certainly open to input and thoughts that might help make my own thoughts more clear here.

-CryptoLutheran

Well, you can’t expect perfection in a relationship - but luckily as believers of Jesus Christ, we can place God at the foundation of ones relationship with their partner/spouse. And by doing so, this allows God to work “in you” and will show and teach you how to act, respond, as well as how to treat your partner.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Speaking of treating partners Godly, the shift between friend, 'girl'friend to becoming a husband, different men put different labels/mindset on those conditions. When a guy starts off as a friend, then changes slightly (i.e.:jealous traits) (women are not much different in this) when partnership comes into play, then the guy turns into something unrecognizable at the word husband then there is no doubt that something is added to the personality (from outside influences) that doesn't come from the old nature nor the new nature. Truly it's the irony that is almost a running joke if it weren't so detrimental to so many relationships. Power struggle always ensues. Neither wants placement forced on them, especially from something that only correlates with a given culture and in ours that is no longer the norm. Preconceived ideas that want to fit a round peg into a square hole is wrong on every count.
God's is the order of character, both hers and yours. Both should be happy they have received a good thing and let God make the 2 into one in streamline living. God's design in individual lives was changed from blanket statements at the new covenant when God Himself leads each and every individual rather than as a nation. Best wishes to you and your ladyfriend.

2 John

1 The elder.

To the chosen lady and her children, whom I love in truth—and not I alone, but also all who have come to know the truth— 2 because of the truth that abides in us and will be with us forever:

3 Grace, mercy, and shalom be with us, from God the Father and from Messiah Yeshua, the Father’s Son, in truth and love!

 

[dayhiker]

I say don't worry that you don't know everything. Its part of the fun to learn and grow as a person. Indeed, its life to learn and your learning a lot, so don't back out keep going.

 

[FireDragon76]

You sound alot like me around your age, VC, as I had a similar experience. I too expected to be a bachelor the rest of my life, possibly even becoming a monk or priest. But it didn't work out like that.

If you are both mature, then you don't need tropes and cliches to govern you life together and know how to be a boyfriend. Just be yourself. You're a thoughtful person that seems to have a great deal of self-knowledge: you have the basics down for healthy relationships already, and you have alot of spirituality to draw from to give you strength.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I am, however, facing several difficulties; not the relationship itself so much as me. For one, I am basically learning how to be a boyfriend for the first time in my mid-30's, something that--arguably--most other dudes had to learn when they were teenagers or in their early 20's. As such I'm keenly aware that there's a certain maturity I should be able to demonstrate at my age that a much younger person can get away with simply on account of their age. However, I am wholly without experience here, I don't have a lifetime of experiences by which to draw wisdom from. I don't have many friends from whom I can take a great deal of advice

This is sadly typical of our generation, my friend. Women our age are usually "trying to find themselves" in their 20's (a process which requires a lot of birth control) and are "ready to settle down" (since they probably have a few kids out of wedlock because they "forgot" to take the BC a few times) when they're almost menopausal. That leaves a lot of men single for quite a while. Sad but true.

This is a learning process for you. You'll make right decisions and you'll make bad ones. Unfortunately, there's really no cheat sheet for this stuff.

Just be the best you that you can be. And never say "sorry" unless you're truly in the wrong.