okay but HOW?

[blackribbon]

Okay...how do you look to God as the "husband for the husbandless"? I can see Him as someone who cares for me and provides for me...but just can't wrap my mind around seeing Him as a husband. I never worshiped my husband but he was a tangible support system.

Actually, I looked up the verse that refers to the above statement and in the NIV it calls Him defender not husband. I can totally trust Him as provider & defender because He has provided even when I didn't see how it was possible. However, I am fighting off a bout of depression from the loneliness of this battle and the overwhelming responsibilities that this life has set on my shoulders. I am in school while trying to raise two teenagers. Lately, I am now starting each days in tears because I need a break that I just can't take right now. I thought the sun and springtime would help but actually doing the outdoor things again is almost a worse reminder that it is only me. I am at 4 1/2 years now. Any practical suggestions for how to change my thinking since my situation isn't changable.

Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

 

[Lindaschatting]

This may sound like a silly question, but may I ask you what you are taking in school? Had you started school before your husbands death or after?

Okay...how do you look to God as the "husband for the husbandless"? I can see Him as someone who cares for me and provides for me...but just can't wrap my mind around seeing Him as a husband. I never worshiped my husband but he was a tangible support system.

Actually, I looked up the verse that refers to the above statement and in the NIV it calls Him defender not husband. I can totally trust Him as provider & defender because He has provided even when I didn't see how it was possible. However, I am fighting off a bout of depression from the loneliness of this battle and the overwhelming responsibilities that this life has set on my shoulders. I am in school while trying to raise two teenagers. Lately, I am now starting each days in tears because I need a break that I just can't take right now. I thought the sun and springtime would help but actually doing the outdoor things again is almost a worse reminder that it is only me. I am at 4 1/2 years now. Any practical suggestions for how to change my thinking since my situation isn't changable.

Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

 

[blackribbon]

This may sound like a silly question, but may I ask you what you are taking in school? Had you started school before your husbands death or after?

I am in nursing school (RN) and graduate in 4 months. I was a stay-at-home mom when my husband died. However at 43, I was going to have to find a way to support myself in a few years and a way to occupy my time after my kids left the house in a few years. I started back to school around the 2 year mark. It will be 5 years at the end of this month.

 

[Lindaschatting]

So very proud of you! Only 4 months to go! Wonderful!

 

[bill5]

Yes props to you.

The "God as the husband" thing frankly sounds odd to me. I don't think you need to change your thinking on that at all.

As for regrouping generally, after that long, I would strongly suggest grief counseling - ie not some garden variety psychologist but a grief counselor. Also if you can reach out to family/friends to help, for ex. watching the kids while you take a much-needed break eg vacation of some kind.

 

[blackribbon]

Grief counselors don't know anything more than I do. They might be able to help someone further out who is "stuck" in time but I am not "stuck" because I am very much living my life.

Most research about grief covers 1 to 2 years at the maximum...so there is no knowledge base for the counselors to be basing their counseling on. I have found a single study that covered many years (like 20) and I am very "normal" based on it. There was a time when they actually taught counselors and psychologist that we could get back to our original emotional "baseline" or back to "normal" within a relatively short period of time...now they are realizing that we never go back to that baseline but instead develop a new one that may be very different...and that new baseline takes time to develop.

There are even some psychiatrists out there that want to define grief that last more than TWO WEEKS as "complicated grief". I think most people mourn the loss of a pet longer than two weeks....with my husband, I was numb longer than that..and hadn't even started to really grieve yet.

I am not "actively grieving" anymore. He is dead. He is not coming home anymore. I have moved to a state he never set foot in. I am starting a new career in something that wasn't even on the radar when he was alive. Sadly, my kid's memories of him are fading (he has been dead for 1/3 of my daughter's entire life).

However, I still miss him and miss being a family and I do not believe that any amount of counseling will make that loneliness or that longing go away. And it hurts when people imply that I am not leaning on God when I feel this way. I missed the part of the Bible where God is going to wipe our tears away in THIS world.

I also hate that I do sometimes make decisions from the weakest part of me ... and I really don't know who to go to anymore because people don't want me to be weak. To be weak seems to be the same as "ungodly" or unChristian.

I do need a break but it isn't from my kids...it is from my life and school. However, the school owns my life right now if I want to complete on time and there is no such animal as "compassion" for a student in this program. I literally can not afford to not graduate on time. I don't know what I'd do with that "down time" anyway...so I don't even waste energy thinking about it.

 

[bill5]

Grief counselors don't know anything more than I do. They might be able to help someone further out who is "stuck" in time but I am not "stuck" because I am very much living my life.

It isn't necessarily about knowing more than you, but having someone who "gets it" to bounce off of and/or unload on. And it isn't necessarily about being "stuck" either. Yes, you're living your life, but as you said, you're "fighting off a bout of depression from the loneliness of this battle..." ie you're still struggling with life due to complications from the loss. That just sounded to me like something that might be worth talking to a grief counselor about, that's all.

Most research about grief covers 1 to 2 years at the maximum...so there is no knowledge base for the counselors to be basing their counseling on.

Not sure what "1 to 2 years at the maximum" means - some people take longer to truly get on with their life (for lack of a better term offhand). Grief counselors aren't about a specific timeframe anyway; they're about helping people experiencing problems due to grief. That can be a few days or many years later. Anyway, it was just a thought

There are even some psychiatrists out there that want to define grief that last more than TWO WEEKS as "complicated grief".

Don't get me started on psychologists/psychiatrists IMO a lot of them need to quit their day job.

However, I still miss him and miss being a family and I do not believe that any amount of counseling will make that loneliness or that longing go away.

Of course not. Nor should it. That's a burden I think we all need to learn to live with; it's part of the journey of grief.

And it hurts when people imply that I am not leaning on God when I feel this way.

How ridiculous. You don't want to get me started on people who think they have all the answers regarding God or religion either - ugh.

I also hate that I do sometimes make decisions from the weakest part of me ... and I really don't know who to go to anymore because people don't want me to be weak. To be weak seems to be the same as "ungodly" or unChristian.

Hardly. That sounds like your religious "expert" friends talking again. To be weak means to be human. Welcome to the human race. Even Christ himself had his moments of weakness. I have this crazy idea that people who care about you should be there to lean on in times of weakness, not go "oh don't be so weak." Gee thanks for caring.

I do need a break but it isn't from my kids...it is from my life and school.

Since you said you spend every spare minute with your kids, it seems like your kids and "your life" are pretty much the same thing, so it sounds to me like you do need a break from your kids. That isn't selfish or weak or bad. Again: you're human. Your kids are the most important thing, of course, but they aren't the ONLY thing that makes up your life. You need the company of people your age.

However, the school owns my life right now

But that's over in a few months, right? That will change soon.

I don't know what I'd do with that "down time" anyway...so I don't even waste energy thinking about it.

You sure about that? Sounds to me like you need a break, badly, and deep down you know it; there's no shame in that. Everyone needs down time.

Isn't there someone you trust who can watch your kids for awhile? Then you could get together with family or friends your own age and do something "fun." It could be just as simple as going out for dinner or a drink or a movie or whatever.

 

[blackribbon]

I have gone to counselors. Antidepressants might actually be useful but I can't afford either right now.

Most grief related studies cover grieving people for one year...pushing it to the max of two years if they are really good studies. Hardly anyone has done any studies to see how grief affects people over the longer periods of time, therefore, even "grief counselors" are shooting in the dark most of the time unless you have a problem related to being stuck in one of the early stages. If I were rich, I'd love to have the luxury of "rent someone to listen to me", but I am not rich enough for that to happen.

My kids are teenagers, I can leave them alone. I do it way too much because of school. I have a bachelor's degree in engineering...I didn't study most months in that degree field as much as I need to do in a single week in nursing. I know people with master's degrees that worry daily about flunking out of this community college program. I literally usually don't have time. The off times are the times I spend with the kids ... and my friends have families so in the unusual chance I do find an empty moment, they are not usually available.

My mom came to visit for Christmas. I spent the whole vacation trying to fix everything she thought was broken about our lives. <sigh> I think she is starting to show signs of early demenia and I do not feel free to stand up to her because she really does believe she is helping. I think part of my depression is realizing that after my kids leave, my mom might need to return "home" and there really won't be a break in there for me.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Okay...how do you look to God as the "husband for the husbandless"? I can see Him as someone who cares for me and provides for me...but just can't wrap my mind around seeing Him as a husband. I never worshiped my husband but he was a tangible support system.

Actually, I looked up the verse that refers to the above statement and in the NIV it calls Him defender not husband. I can totally trust Him as provider & defender because He has provided even when I didn't see how it was possible. However, I am fighting off a bout of depression from the loneliness of this battle and the overwhelming responsibilities that this life has set on my shoulders. I am in school while trying to raise two teenagers. Lately, I am now starting each days in tears because I need a break that I just can't take right now. I thought the sun and springtime would help but actually doing the outdoor things again is almost a worse reminder that it is only me. I am at 4 1/2 years now. Any practical suggestions for how to change my thinking since my situation isn't changable.

Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

Hello, yes there is scripture re. Jesus as our husband, that I've depended upon for many years now.

"For your Maker is your husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and your Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." Isaiah 54:5

When a younger widow, I complained to a pastor about my plight, and he provided for me this verse. I hope you and others appreciate it!

 

[blackribbon]

actually the "wife" of the Lord in Isaiah 54 is Israel and not a real live woman...however, I did find a little bit of piece reading that chapter, so thanks...

 

[NOTWHATIWAS]

Okay...how do you look to God as the "husband for the husbandless"? I can see Him as someone who cares for me and provides for me...but just can't wrap my mind around seeing Him as a husband. I never worshiped my husband but he was a tangible support system.

Actually, I looked up the verse that refers to the above statement and in the NIV it calls Him defender not husband. I can totally trust Him as provider & defender because He has provided even when I didn't see how it was possible. However, I am fighting off a bout of depression from the loneliness of this battle and the overwhelming responsibilities that this life has set on my shoulders. I am in school while trying to raise two teenagers. Lately, I am now starting each days in tears because I need a break that I just can't take right now. I thought the sun and springtime would help but actually doing the outdoor things again is almost a worse reminder that it is only me. I am at 4 1/2 years now. Any practical suggestions for how to change my thinking since my situation isn't changable.

Psalm 68:5
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

I've tried changing my thinking by my own power. It doesn't work. I have to ask God everyday to change me. I've been doing this for ten years and it does get easier. You will also have more peace. God bless you.

 

[Paidiske]

I think I'm allowed to post in this section...?

blackribbon, I see what you've written about grief studies over years... something which may be another fruitful avenue of reading for you is post-traumatic growth, which has been studied over much longer periods of time.

Granted your husband's death may not count as a "trauma" in the classic sense, but in the way that it has disrupted your life and identity, many of the issues are parallel, and post-bereavement growth would have similar features.

Just something to think about, maybe, in all your copious spare time.

 

[blackribbon]

In all my "copious" spare time, I went to nursing school and am both a medical/surgical floor nurse and psychiatric nurse.

Loss of a spouse is actually considered "trauma" in even the classical sense. Many of us do suffer in silence with various levels of PSTD.

As a single mom now working full time in a very intense field, I don't really have hardly any time for myself. In a lot of ways that intensifies the magnitude of the grief because I miss coming home to him or someone...to have someone who just wraps his arms around me and tells me it will be "okay" after a hard day.

I don't walk around with the appearance of sadness. I smile most of the time and my job is to lighten the burden of others which I love doing. The sadness and loneliness is internal ... where most people don't even notice it in me anymore. But the fact that nobody can look at me and realize that , no, I am not okay ... kind of intensifies the loneliness because nobody sees "me" anymore.

I don't actively mourn anymore but I feel his absence very intensely still.

 

[Paidiske]

Sorry, I meant the "copious" tongue-in-cheek, I'm not sure it read that way.

But quite seriously - post-traumatic growth does have some features to it which relate to your question.

 

[NOTWHATIWAS]

I think I'm allowed to post in this section...?

blackribbon, I see what you've written about grief studies over years... something which may be another fruitful avenue of reading for you is post-traumatic growth, which has been studied over much longer periods of time.

Granted your husband's death may not count as a "trauma" in the classic sense, but in the way that it has disrupted your life and identity, many of the issues are parallel, and post-bereavement growth would have similar features.

Just something to think about, maybe, in all your copious spare time.

I found this message in my email this morning and just wanted to respond. His children-men and women-suffer loss and heartbreak. I want to keep all in prayer and I ask that you keep me in prayer as well. I myself am not a counselor. I am inadequate to the task. Maybe, that's why God has directed me to this site to talk w/ and comfort others. I'm glad He uses the "weak" because it gives me purpose at a time when I also ask myself often, "Why did you take my husband and leave me to handle all of this alone?" emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. We have a God who is bigger than our needs and our circumstances if we will just have Faith(even if it feels like somedays we are just holding on to the proverbial "mustard seed"). Just continue to hold on. He will never abandon or forsake us and will see to the completion that work which He has started in all our lives. God bless you all today. You continue to be in my prayers.

 

[blackribbon]

Sorry, I meant the "copious" tongue-in-cheek, I'm not sure it read that way.

But quite seriously - post-traumatic growth does have some features to it which relate to your question.

What part of my life doesn't exhibit growth? I am now a registered nurse. Compassion for others is my career. My kids are healthy, happy, and successful (both have 4.0s in college) and they consider me to be their confidante and strong support system (along with each other). I recognized that where he died was not a healthy place for them (extended family mourned poorly and it was affecting my kids) and moved them across the country to a place where no one knew us or pigeonholed us and they have thrived. I managed to continue to homeschool them all the way through high school because needed that to stay consistent even when I went back to college. My son is at the end of an EMT training program with a goal to become a Occupational Therapist. My daughter has remained at the top of her class (part-time enrollment at the high school) in a computer graphics imaging program (while taking college classes as a high schooler). I recognize that God's hand has been on every step of my life from the moment my husband was first diagnosed with cancer...actually, from the moment I met my husband. I know that I will be with Him someday and maybe I long for that day a little more than most people.

Does "post traumatic growth" mean I should be happy that he died or that my kids had to do what they have done "fatherless"? That I shouldn't feel alone or sad or lonely? I am sorry but I don't get what you are suggesting. I have always cared for others and been that kind of friend that would drop everything. I would do it for people who weren't my friends too. I was not a shallow person before he died so I don't need huge amount of insight in how to be compassionate now. I actually have less time to give to others now because of my circumstances and I find that very frustrating. I am not sure what areas you are suggesting that I need "growth"? It is through making sure my children realized that life is still worth living and has significance that I have drained every ounce of my own reservoir....

What exactly is "post traumatic growth"? ... because in the little bit I read on it, I could be the poster child in most people's eyes ... here, I post what I really feel though and not the image that everyone gets because they expect it of me.

 

[NOTWHATIWAS]

What part of my life doesn't exhibit growth? I am now a registered nurse. Compassion for others is my career. My kids are healthy, happy, and successful (both have 4.0s in college) and they consider me to be their confidante and strong support system (along with each other). I recognized that where he died was not a healthy place for them (extended family mourned poorly and it was affecting my kids) and moved them across the country to a place where no one knew us or pigeonholed us and they have thrived. I managed to continue to homeschool them all the way through high school because needed that to stay consistent even when I went back to college. My son is at the end of an EMT training program with a goal to become a Occupational Therapist. My daughter has remained at the top of her class (part-time enrollment at the high school) in a computer graphics imaging program (while taking college classes as a high schooler). I recognize that God's hand has been on every step of my life from the moment my husband was first diagnosed with cancer...actually, from the moment I met my husband. I know that I will be with Him someday and maybe I long for that day a little more than most people.

Does "post traumatic growth" mean I should be happy that he died or that my kids had to do what they have done "fatherless"? That I shouldn't feel alone or sad or lonely? I am sorry but I don't get what you are suggesting. I have always cared for others and been that kind of friend that would drop everything. I would do it for people who weren't my friends too. I was not a shallow person before he died so I don't need huge amount of insight in how to be compassionate now. I actually have less time to give to others now because of my circumstances and I find that very frustrating. I am not sure what areas you are suggesting that I need "growth"? It is through making sure my children realized that life is still worth living and has significance that I have drained every ounce of my own reservoir....

What exactly is "post traumatic growth"? ... because in the little bit I read on it, I could be the poster child in most people's eyes ... here, I post what I really feel though and not the image that everyone gets because they expect it of me.

It sounds like God has had His hand on your life every step of the way. You, in turn, have been faithful and obedient. I rejoice in the fruit that your life has produced. I pray that God continues to keep you as you step out in faith and obedience in the future. Keep messaging me and give me praise reports.

 

[Paidiske]

Does "post traumatic growth" mean I should be happy that he died or that my kids had to do what they have done "fatherless"? That I shouldn't feel alone or sad or lonely? I am sorry but I don't get what you are suggesting. I have always cared for others and been that kind of friend that would drop everything. I would do it for people who weren't my friends too. I was not a shallow person before he died so I don't need huge amount of insight in how to be compassionate now. I actually have less time to give to others now because of my circumstances and I find that very frustrating. I am not sure what areas you are suggesting that I need "growth"? It is through making sure my children realized that life is still worth living and has significance that I have drained every ounce of my own reservoir....

What exactly is "post traumatic growth"? ... because in the little bit I read on it, I could be the poster child in most people's eyes ... here, I post what I really feel though and not the image that everyone gets because they expect it of me.

Oh, gosh, sorry, it sounds as if I've come across as judgemental or thinking that you lack something. That wasn't what I was trying to say at all. It sounds as if you've done incredibly well.

The only reason I mentioned it is that you were saying the studies of grief were useless after a couple of years after the loss, and I remembered some of the work I had read on post-traumatic growth which had been done over a much longer period of time, and thought that some of the ideas there might be useful to you in the way that grief studies had not.

It's been a few years since I looked at it in depth, but the literature had suggestions about what could foster that growth, especially in a faith context, which seems to relate to your original question. I just thought it might be something you might like to explore, if you thought it might be helpful, that's all.

 

[blackribbon]

Oh...I am sorry but I totally missed what you were saying. I may look into it but really haven't done much studying on grief in a while. I find the misunderstanding very depressing. Even in grief, there is a huge difference between losing your parent or even sibling ... and losing your spouse. It is all real but I was actually looking for specific studies and not general information. Details that would help people who haven't lived through it understand more and details that would keep the widow/widower from feeling like a freak with the realities of this experience.