Hello everyone! First of all, I'm really thankful of the existence of this forum, I really need your opinion on this.
I know this is not new, I've seen many people with the same problem on this forum, but I just can't seem to find comfort in the answers on someone else's thread.
Anyway, I know that I had a really bad history of making promises to the Lord. That was during my childhood. And if I'm honest, my faith has grown a lot during the pandemic, and I realised the significance of these mistakes, and I've learned from this impulsivity. However, some time in between the time I made the promises and the pandemic, I've forgotten a lot of the promises I've made. I mean, I remember the ones I made out of self-will, but not the ones I made during times of trouble. However, I am a very doubtful person. I still think that there were more promises I made out of self-will. One day, somehow, the thought "did I promise to be celibate?" came into my mind. It just came. But I contemplated about it for so long. I tried to recover my memories, so far all evidence point to no, but I start doubting whether or not these memories are true. This was when I started to be excessively worried. I looked for help on the internet, and the best diagnosis for it is scrupulosity. Though, if I'm honest, this event helped me build up my faith as I started to watch more sermons and built a more personal relationship with the Lord.
Anyway, that was a bit more than a week ago, and the anxiety resided, but the problem still lingers somehow. Though, I believe that my bad history of making promises came back to haunt me. I'm suffering a lot of intrusive thoughts.
The intrusive thoughts come as "I promise ...". I am extremely terrified of this, as I've learned a lot from my past. To counter this, I would either breathe heavily, gasp, or utter "nanananana" or anything as ridiculous as that, as long as I don't complete the sentence in my mind. However, sometimes it just slips right through. The sentences get completed. I really don't know what to do with this. This is the one I'm most scared of, as it involves not getting married. As a teenager, the thought of living alone is just PAINFUL, even though the bible says celibacy is a gift. I really didn't want to make that promise, and I KNOW that, but again, my doubt would kick in and start to question MY OWN INTENTION OF THOSE THOUGHTS. I KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN TO THINK THOSE THOUGHTS, BUT I KEEP DOUBTING. I understand that multiple verses in the bible tells us to pay our vows, and that's exactly why I learned not to make any!
The way I seek comfort in this is watching sermons related to negative thoughts, and keep telling myself "God knows my heart", but it just seems like it's not enough! I've read somewhere on the internet, on bible.org, someone asked whether or not a thought of a vow counts as a vow, and the writer says no and that they're just temptations. But again, it's just not enough!
I know some people have it worse, but I would say I'm having a tough time with it. And to top it all off, I haven't had the chance to get a second opinion. Your insight would be greatly appreciated! God bless you all!
I know this is not new, I've seen many people with the same problem on this forum, but I just can't seem to find comfort in the answers on someone else's thread.
Anyway, I know that I had a really bad history of making promises to the Lord. That was during my childhood. And if I'm honest, my faith has grown a lot during the pandemic, and I realised the significance of these mistakes, and I've learned from this impulsivity. However, some time in between the time I made the promises and the pandemic, I've forgotten a lot of the promises I've made. I mean, I remember the ones I made out of self-will, but not the ones I made during times of trouble. However, I am a very doubtful person. I still think that there were more promises I made out of self-will. One day, somehow, the thought "did I promise to be celibate?" came into my mind. It just came. But I contemplated about it for so long. I tried to recover my memories, so far all evidence point to no, but I start doubting whether or not these memories are true. This was when I started to be excessively worried. I looked for help on the internet, and the best diagnosis for it is scrupulosity. Though, if I'm honest, this event helped me build up my faith as I started to watch more sermons and built a more personal relationship with the Lord.
Anyway, that was a bit more than a week ago, and the anxiety resided, but the problem still lingers somehow. Though, I believe that my bad history of making promises came back to haunt me. I'm suffering a lot of intrusive thoughts.
The intrusive thoughts come as "I promise ...". I am extremely terrified of this, as I've learned a lot from my past. To counter this, I would either breathe heavily, gasp, or utter "nanananana" or anything as ridiculous as that, as long as I don't complete the sentence in my mind. However, sometimes it just slips right through. The sentences get completed. I really don't know what to do with this. This is the one I'm most scared of, as it involves not getting married. As a teenager, the thought of living alone is just PAINFUL, even though the bible says celibacy is a gift. I really didn't want to make that promise, and I KNOW that, but again, my doubt would kick in and start to question MY OWN INTENTION OF THOSE THOUGHTS. I KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN TO THINK THOSE THOUGHTS, BUT I KEEP DOUBTING. I understand that multiple verses in the bible tells us to pay our vows, and that's exactly why I learned not to make any!
The way I seek comfort in this is watching sermons related to negative thoughts, and keep telling myself "God knows my heart", but it just seems like it's not enough! I've read somewhere on the internet, on bible.org, someone asked whether or not a thought of a vow counts as a vow, and the writer says no and that they're just temptations. But again, it's just not enough!
I know some people have it worse, but I would say I'm having a tough time with it. And to top it all off, I haven't had the chance to get a second opinion. Your insight would be greatly appreciated! God bless you all!