OCD Stealing my Faith

[Mari17]

Years

Without doing compulsions?

And yes, I have heard of others with OCD who actually speak their intrusive thoughts. Like a form of Tourette's.

And I agree with Ann. I do not think you have no hope. I think you have a bad case of OCD, and your mind has convinced you that you have no hope.

I've forgotten, did you ever get professional treatment for your OCD?

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

My take away from reading your post, your feelings don't match your heart. Otherwise you wouldn't be concerned with losing interest in Christ.

I know since you had this for years, you're aware of the old story of John Bunyan. He wasn't possessed and he felt like he was in a pit of darkness, especially during prayers. You're not the first person I've seen with intrusive speech regarding this fear.

This can be a tricky one to deal with since in therapy, they want you to "accept" your worst case scenario. Maybe yours is being possessed and unforgivable? Just keep telling yourself mentally whenever you have these urges, thoughts, etc. "That's right, I'm possessed and unforgivable but I'm still going to follow Christ".
@Mari17 I noticed you share a lot of great advice here. Am I correct? What's the best way to manage this particular theme? I would like to know as well.

Having this for so long I feel like I have developed severe depersonalization and derealization.........don't know if y'all have ever had any of those symptoms I feel like I've had it for so long it's affecting my eyesight meaning when I drive at night it seems darker than normal even when it's daytime everything's flat and more darker almost scares me that think I might be going blind at times driving around at night it's so crazy it's like it's so dark darker than usual my eyes are constantly burning and itching,............I feel so confused and out of my body most of the time I guess that could be due to the duress of the thoughts in my mind constantly in the intrusive speech and the fighting in my body wearing down these past couple weeks my eyes have been burning really really bad I'm even starting to see blue spots I don't know if that's due to constant stress I even try erp meaning when I'm reading the Bible and I feel the urge to think bad thoughts I just let myself think them because the try not to think them means I will think them but then in return and doing that and trying to relax it makes it even worse it makes me feel like I'm purposely doing itmy only hope right now is the reason that I feel so miserable is the fact that they are not my thoughts where is if they were truly mine I would be happy she won't because

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

Without doing compulsions?

And yes, I have heard of others with OCD who actually speak their intrusive thoughts. Like a form of Tourette's.

And I agree with Ann. I do not think you have no hope. I think you have a bad case of OCD, and your mind has convinced you that you have no hope.

I've forgotten, did you ever get professional treatment for your OCD?

the blasphemous tourette's is something I can't control I constantly what to say these things but the thing is is when they're slip of the x or I feel like I really wanted to thank the thought I don't walk around happy or feeling good in fact it increases my anxiety which in return I take that to mean that they're not my thoughts for if I truly felt these thoughts and one of these thoughts I would be happy I wouldn't feel miserable or even have anxiety. I have a quick question I've had these thoughts so long it feels like my brain has become addicted to constantly blaspheming it's like a habit can that happen with OCD it's almost as if my mind enjoys these thoughts are some sadistic part of me because they've been there for so long it's as if I purposely begin to think that it's the most craziest thing and then it sends evidently false feelings that I have a great with the thoughts feelings of blasphemy which Dane in return cause me to feel numb to the Bone absolutely hopeless it's very weird I'm very sorry to bother you but it's just weird it's almost as if I've accepted the thoughts and they're stuck in my head mostly against the Holy Spirit having obsessed over the unpardonable sin 2 an extreme severe degree sometimes my body feels numb to the touch warm my eyes are constantly dry I guess due to the stress of these thoughts my body feels totally worn out my head and I feel weird I feel out of my body like I'm going insane again lately these thoughts they seem more realer than usual I can hear them loud and clear and then I get ready to speak them out of my mouth it's insane I feel so crazy then it increases my anxiety to such a degree that it's hard just to sit there and pretend it didn't happen but yes maybe you could enlighten me more on the blasphemous tourettes in the beginning it was only intrusive thoughts and I would fight against them where is now it's intrusive thoughts and blasphemous tourette's to which now it feels like it's me I can no longer see them as intrusive as I see them as being from me and it feels so real that I have accepted them and that's what I believe but then I keep telling myself then why do I feel so miserable and have anxiety in which my mind and return says that you have lost God and now are possessed and being tormented by demons with my thought is if one truly blasphemes they will go on and live life and live for the devil himself and be happy they'll be no anxiety at all sorry to bother you any advice would help I know you've given me some but I can take all I can get again I don't know if I have a deranged high form of OCD every single vocabulary word I hear from myself or from other people I want to say a sentence out loud involving that word and the Holy Spirit or put it in my mind it's absolutely crazy I can't stop myself

 

[Mari17]

the blasphemous tourette's is something I can't control I constantly what to say these things but the thing is is when they're slip of the x or I feel like I really wanted to thank the thought I don't walk around happy or feeling good in fact it increases my anxiety which in return I take that to mean that they're not my thoughts for if I truly felt these thoughts and one of these thoughts I would be happy I wouldn't feel miserable or even have anxiety. I have a quick question I've had these thoughts so long it feels like my brain has become addicted to constantly blaspheming it's like a habit can that happen with OCD it's almost as if my mind enjoys these thoughts are some sadistic part of me because they've been there for so long it's as if I purposely begin to think that it's the most craziest thing and then it sends evidently false feelings that I have a great with the thoughts feelings of blasphemy which Dane in return cause me to feel numb to the Bone absolutely hopeless it's very weird I'm very sorry to bother you but it's just weird it's almost as if I've accepted the thoughts and they're stuck in my head mostly against the Holy Spirit having obsessed over the unpardonable sin 2 an extreme severe degree sometimes my body feels numb to the touch warm my eyes are constantly dry I guess due to the stress of these thoughts my body feels totally worn out my head and I feel weird I feel out of my body like I'm going insane again lately these thoughts they seem more realer than usual I can hear them loud and clear and then I get ready to speak them out of my mouth it's insane I feel so crazy then it increases my anxiety to such a degree that it's hard just to sit there and pretend it didn't happen but yes maybe you could enlighten me more on the blasphemous tourettes in the beginning it was only intrusive thoughts and I would fight against them where is now it's intrusive thoughts and blasphemous tourette's to which now it feels like it's me I can no longer see them as intrusive as I see them as being from me and it feels so real that I have accepted them and that's what I believe but then I keep telling myself then why do I feel so miserable and have anxiety in which my mind and return says that you have lost God and now are possessed and being tormented by demons with my thought is if one truly blasphemes they will go on and live life and live for the devil himself and be happy they'll be no anxiety at all sorry to bother you any advice would help I know you've given me some but I can take all I can get again I don't know if I have a deranged high form of OCD every single vocabulary word I hear from myself or from other people I want to say a sentence out loud involving that word and the Holy Spirit or put it in my mind it's absolutely crazy I can't stop myself

I'm not a doctor, or a therapist, so I can only give you my opinion. I have heard of others who experience depersonalization because of OCD, and I do think some people also speak their intrusive thoughts. It sounds like you have a really tough case of OCD, and I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think it's impossible to have victory over it, though. And yes, like you said, a person who actually wanted to blaspheme would not be concerned about it.

So, down to the application portion of dealing with OCD. You mentioned that you were fighting against the thoughts, but before you said you had ignored them for years. What are you currently doing about them? Also, what are your specific compulsions (the things you do to get rid of the anxiety, such as pushing away the thoughts, cancelling them out, asking forgiveness, etc.)?

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

well my main compulsion is either thinking the blasphemous thought or even mumbling it under my breath and then attaching the word "not" meaning a compulsion for me or my main compulsion which I do a million times a day is (&@$# "not" the Holy Spirit) I might eat that because my mind kept thinking it without the word not thus the temptation grow so strong to think it that I live my mind to think it but I can't see the word not to it meaning I could teach without while giving my mind the satisfaction so to speak of thinking that thought but I felt better because I had canceled it out........I kept having that main thought of course without the "not"I damn it and I think a lot of people get that main phrase it's scary the more you try not to think it the more you think it I became obsessed with it to the point of wanting to even speak it out loud constantly though I didn't which is why I develop the compulsion I mentioned involving the word "not" which meant I finally let the thought run through my mind but I canceled it out and that's after that I began to do that constantly because my mind wanted to think so bad so I allowed it but I canceled it out so I gave my mind to relieve but I also hooked up were not in it so I felt better myself is that I canceled it out and it wasn't just the blasphemous statement alone!this 50 million times a day in various different ways I pray read and believe in God and serve God but at the same time I've developed these horrible habits I wish I could go back to when this started and would have not feared over the unpardonable sin although knowing I don't want to commit that sin is still constantly bombard me with thoughts............the thoughts are one thing but can there also be feelings and I'm talking about it's as if my mind has become accustomed or it's a habit to hear certain things in immediately attach those things with the f word it's like I can't hear those things without thinking the f word on my own also there's feelings that come that make me feel like I want to think those thoughts like there's some kind of temptation such as telling a child don't press the red button but it's all they can do to not want to press it because they want to see what it will do when they press it so this is a constant thing it's almost as if a part of me desires these thoughts and these compulsions it's like a chemical in my brain that is so addicted it's as if a drug addict who tries to quit injecting themselves with a narcotic but at the same time their body craves it so they constantly feed their body that narcotic although at the same time they're crying out in pain and irritation wanting to be delivered.........now as far as fighting the thoughts really my compulsion as I said is what I told you earlier in the beginning of this but at the same time I try to ignore I tried to do my daily activities.........I've developed a horrible habit of taking everyday activities and everyday things and everyday objects and making a blasphemous sentence out of those objects involving the Holy Ghost I could be putting something in the word "not"..............it's like I expect this to happen there's a strong temptation of which I can't fight so I just let myself think and D'Orsay the fault while attaching the word not to it to cancel it out I do this constantly some would say don't worry about it stop doing it but it's so hard it's like that drug at it before all this happened I was already within my fourth year of truly serving God I was totally on fire these thoughts came and it's like the fear open up my mind to where they became out of control...........again with OCD can it make you speak the thoughts out loud become crazy in your mind is this a severe case I've developed extreme depersonalization sometimes it's so bad I have to take an Ativan to calm down although I know within myself it's crazy but it's like there's two of me there's one who wants these thoughts and wants this crazy stuff and wants to engage in doing these compulsions if I wake up at the morning and I feel normal immediately my mind doesn't know how to receive normal so it starts thinking blasphemous thoughts then I start doing the compulsions and then my day starts it's just crazy it's like no matter what I do I can't escape it I can't escape the feeling it's like I've become addicted to feeling miserable I don't know if you understand any of this but I still live my life I love the Lord and I do believe there's times where I do feel the Lord but as soon as I feel the Lord and trust in him and continue to walk my mind begins to go crazy.........some days I feel like I've got him ignore to the point that I can finally quit obsessing but then I will of a sudden I go back to what feels normal now obsessing and constantly thinking crazy thoughts I don't know how to retrain myself to be normal

 

[Mari17]

well my main compulsion is either thinking the blasphemous thought or even mumbling it under my breath and then attaching the word "not" meaning a compulsion for me or my main compulsion which I do a million times a day is (&@$# "not" the Holy Spirit) I might eat that because my mind kept thinking it without the word not thus the temptation grow so strong to think it that I live my mind to think it but I can't see the word not to it meaning I could teach without while giving my mind the satisfaction so to speak of thinking that thought but I felt better because I had canceled it out........I kept having that main thought of course without the "not"I damn it and I think a lot of people get that main phrase it's scary the more you try not to think it the more you think it I became obsessed with it to the point of wanting to even speak it out loud constantly though I didn't which is why I develop the compulsion I mentioned involving the word "not" which meant I finally let the thought run through my mind but I canceled it out and that's after that I began to do that constantly because my mind wanted to think so bad so I allowed it but I canceled it out so I gave my mind to relieve but I also hooked up were not in it so I felt better myself is that I canceled it out and it wasn't just the blasphemous statement alone!this 50 million times a day in various different ways I pray read and believe in God and serve God but at the same time I've developed these horrible habits I wish I could go back to when this started and would have not feared over the unpardonable sin although knowing I don't want to commit that sin is still constantly bombard me with thoughts............the thoughts are one thing but can there also be feelings and I'm talking about it's as if my mind has become accustomed or it's a habit to hear certain things in immediately attach those things with the f word it's like I can't hear those things without thinking the f word on my own also there's feelings that come that make me feel like I want to think those thoughts like there's some kind of temptation such as telling a child don't press the red button but it's all they can do to not want to press it because they want to see what it will do when they press it so this is a constant thing it's almost as if a part of me desires these thoughts and these compulsions it's like a chemical in my brain that is so addicted it's as if a drug addict who tries to quit injecting themselves with a narcotic but at the same time their body craves it so they constantly feed their body that narcotic although at the same time they're crying out in pain and irritation wanting to be delivered.........now as far as fighting the thoughts really my compulsion as I said is what I told you earlier in the beginning of this but at the same time I try to ignore I tried to do my daily activities.........I've developed a horrible habit of taking everyday activities and everyday things and everyday objects and making a blasphemous sentence out of those objects involving the Holy Ghost I could be putting something in the word "not"..............it's like I expect this to happen there's a strong temptation of which I can't fight so I just let myself think and D'Orsay the fault while attaching the word not to it to cancel it out I do this constantly some would say don't worry about it stop doing it but it's so hard it's like that drug at it before all this happened I was already within my fourth year of truly serving God I was totally on fire these thoughts came and it's like the fear open up my mind to where they became out of control...........again with OCD can it make you speak the thoughts out loud become crazy in your mind is this a severe case I've developed extreme depersonalization sometimes it's so bad I have to take an Ativan to calm down although I know within myself it's crazy but it's like there's two of me there's one who wants these thoughts and wants this crazy stuff and wants to engage in doing these compulsions if I wake up at the morning and I feel normal immediately my mind doesn't know how to receive normal so it starts thinking blasphemous thoughts then I start doing the compulsions and then my day starts it's just crazy it's like no matter what I do I can't escape it I can't escape the feeling it's like I've become addicted to feeling miserable I don't know if you understand any of this but I still live my life I love the Lord and I do believe there's times where I do feel the Lord but as soon as I feel the Lord and trust in him and continue to walk my mind begins to go crazy.........some days I feel like I've got him ignore to the point that I can finally quit obsessing but then I will of a sudden I go back to what feels normal now obsessing and constantly thinking crazy thoughts I don't know how to retrain myself to be normal

I'm no doctor, but to me, it sounds like it's very possible that this could be OCD. Our minds are VERY clever, and can make us believe all sorts of things and make us think we want all sorts of things that we don't actually want (and this is, in fact, what they do when we're obsessing). Your obsession has gone on for some time, so it's no wonder that it's so ingrained in your brain. But that doesn't mean that you can't get free of it. I'd say the first thing is to work on not doing your compulsions. That means not saying the phrases with "not" in them, which sounds like a 'cancelling out' compulsion to me. That means, if a 'bad' thought comes to mind, instead of saying the "not" phrase, you'll just do nothing instead. This is unimaginably hard for those of us with OCD to do, so sometimes we have to start small. For example, delaying our compulsion; allowing ourselves to do it, but waiting a little while first. This is a small way to start showing the OCD that WE are the ones in control. You could also practice refusing your compulsion just a couple times a day, and then try to do more the next day, and so on. Often we have to start small, but the key is to start, and to keep practicing. Overcoming OCD is all about persisting (over and over and over again) in standing up to the OCD and refusing to do what it wants, but little by little, it is possible to experience some victory over it.

 

[Ann77]

I agree with Mari, it sounds too much like OCD. A lot of people have the urge to speak them and false feeling of wanting them. It can give off a bunch of false feelings in order to scare you. There's even POCD and HOCD. It's such a conniving disease. Hope you can the proper you need.

 

[Ann77]

@Mari17 Is it possible if I could PM you? I have a question but I understand if you're busy.

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

Thnx

 

[Mari17]

@Mari17 Is it possible if I could PM you? I have a question but I understand if you're busy.

Absolutely!

 

[Macchiato]

I feel so much for you. I struggle with this too to the point i debate going to the ER most days.

First, is this ocd religion based? .
Second, theres power in Gods word I suggest speaking his word over your life. Look up scripture that coincides with the fear youre dealing with

I hope youre doing better today.

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

Here's where I'm at with the blasphemous thoughts they are with me 24/7 I wake up to them I go to bed to them I feel now that I think them purposelywhich sends me into an anxiety that I can't even describe it's far worse than a panic attack........no longer do I feel the thoughts are intrusive but I feel like they've become a part of me I feel like I have accepted these blasphemous thoughts or curse words against the spirit of God......Tell most as if I think them automatically and deliberately all the while I tried to pray and read and seek the Lord........ At the moment of writing this I feel no desire for God no love it's as if all I want to do is sit and think curse words against the spirit what stand send me into overdrive almost to the point of feeling like I'm getting ready to black out and die and go to hell..........I don't know if that could be OCD or it's just a severe mental attack or an oppressive attack from spirits of hell..........I've tried everything from just trying to ignore the thoughts pretend that they're no more than a drunk guy yelling on the street and just walk on by but it seems that no matter what I did they would not leave today is a different day unlike any other I feel very odd because for the past couple weeks I've had such a charges when waking up to speak these thoughts out loud of which a couple times I think I might have uncontrollably and it also feels like I want to I try to look in my heart and see that there's no motive behind it it's just a temptation to want to speak to thought out loud. What you think and diminishes or seems like I have no love for Christ between 2009 and 2013 I was truly and totally on fire for God I don't know what has happened why these thoughts won't leave I've tried medication from Prozac, escitalopram, buspirone, I take Ativan when needed to calm me down I have not been to an actual therapist I do not have the money for that but I have talked with my doctor and again the above meds I have mentioned I have took with no results actually the acai talopram made my symptoms worse and I wound up going to the hospital I thought I was dead in which they gave me an Ativan which I've never had before it was like a miracle it calm me down! now if someone could please answer me this the only hope I have is that when these thoughts come or when I feel like I want these thoughts so to speak it makes me feel absolutely crazy I feel numb I feel anxiety which then makes me feel somewhat better because that gives me hope and lets me know that I really don't want the thoughts because think about it you can put thoughts in your mind of winning a large sum of money and what you would do with that money and it makes you feel really good you do not have anxiety over things like that so my only hope is with my feelings being so distorted in my mind is that when these thoughts come I feel such anxiety and fear which then I tried to grab onto that that's the way that I really feel that if they were truly my thoughts I would be happy I would love my life I would not fear hell or God.......... and also my vision seems a lot darker it's like there's an oppressive cloud over me there's no color in my life I suffer from I guess what you could cause intense depersonalization and or derealization....... Sorry to keep buggingy y'all!

 

[Mari17]

Here's where I'm at with the blasphemous thoughts they are with me 24/7 I wake up to them I go to bed to them I feel now that I think them purposelywhich sends me into an anxiety that I can't even describe it's far worse than a panic attack........no longer do I feel the thoughts are intrusive but I feel like they've become a part of me I feel like I have accepted these blasphemous thoughts or curse words against the spirit of God......Tell most as if I think them automatically and deliberately all the while I tried to pray and read and seek the Lord........ At the moment of writing this I feel no desire for God no love it's as if all I want to do is sit and think curse words against the spirit what stand send me into overdrive almost to the point of feeling like I'm getting ready to black out and die and go to hell..........I don't know if that could be OCD or it's just a severe mental attack or an oppressive attack from spirits of hell..........I've tried everything from just trying to ignore the thoughts pretend that they're no more than a drunk guy yelling on the street and just walk on by but it seems that no matter what I did they would not leave today is a different day unlike any other I feel very odd because for the past couple weeks I've had such a charges when waking up to speak these thoughts out loud of which a couple times I think I might have uncontrollably and it also feels like I want to I try to look in my heart and see that there's no motive behind it it's just a temptation to want to speak to thought out loud. What you think and diminishes or seems like I have no love for Christ between 2009 and 2013 I was truly and totally on fire for God I don't know what has happened why these thoughts won't leave I've tried medication from Prozac, escitalopram, buspirone, I take Ativan when needed to calm me down I have not been to an actual therapist I do not have the money for that but I have talked with my doctor and again the above meds I have mentioned I have took with no results actually the acai talopram made my symptoms worse and I wound up going to the hospital I thought I was dead in which they gave me an Ativan which I've never had before it was like a miracle it calm me down! now if someone could please answer me this the only hope I have is that when these thoughts come or when I feel like I want these thoughts so to speak it makes me feel absolutely crazy I feel numb I feel anxiety which then makes me feel somewhat better because that gives me hope and lets me know that I really don't want the thoughts because think about it you can put thoughts in your mind of winning a large sum of money and what you would do with that money and it makes you feel really good you do not have anxiety over things like that so my only hope is with my feelings being so distorted in my mind is that when these thoughts come I feel such anxiety and fear which then I tried to grab onto that that's the way that I really feel that if they were truly my thoughts I would be happy I would love my life I would not fear hell or God.......... and also my vision seems a lot darker it's like there's an oppressive cloud over me there's no color in my life I suffer from I guess what you could cause intense depersonalization and or derealization....... Sorry to keep buggingy y'all!

Ignoring the thoughts as though they are a drunk guy on the street is a great strategy! That's exactly what you need to keep doing.

The goal is not to get rid of the thoughts. The goal is to change the way you react to them - to live your life the way you want to, whether the thoughts are there or not. That means not giving them any time or attention, and not doing compulsions.

If you do this, the thoughts should eventually abate, but again, that is not the goal, because if we're striving to get rid of the thoughts, the OCD sadistically keeps sending them. The goal is simply to live your life the way YOU want to, without wasting time thinking about the thoughts, ruminating, or doing compulsions.

Does that make sense?

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

Ignoring the thoughts as though they are a drunk guy on the street is a great strategy! That's exactly what you need to keep doing.

The goal is not to get rid of the thoughts. The goal is to change the way you react to them - to live your life the way you want to, whether the thoughts are there or not. That means not giving them any time or attention, and not doing compulsions.

If you do this, the thoughts should eventually abate, but again, that is not the goal, because if we're striving to get rid of the thoughts, the OCD sadistically keeps sending them. The goal is simply to live your life the way YOU want to, without wasting time thinking about the thoughts, ruminating, or doing compulsions.

Does that make sense?

Yes it makes perfect sense thank you so much for all the help but my biggest thing is with what we would call intrusive thoughts I have intrusive speech I have heard with OCD you can have urges to speak your blasphemous thoughts mostly against the spirit mine actually come out all the time it seems under my breath when I’m alone it seems they come out louder than under my breath but with the thought that makes it Way out of my mouth I thin will attach the word NOT Too it to cancel it out....... here’s my thing Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart speaks which of course scares me because anybody who speaks a word against shall not have forgiveness but I believe it’s a mental illness that makes you speak your thoughts Outloud call it Tourette’s or what have you maybe you could provide me with more info on what I call intrusive speech in the mechanics of it ! Because for so long the urge went past thanking the fault to wanting to say it out loud finally it’s like it took control though I do not in public scream and yell profanities but under my breath and again when I’m alone it comes out louder I guess maybe I’m comfortable I’m alone my mind I don’t know but I Collett intrusive speech where you have unwanted thoughts that just pop in your head I have unwanted words that just flew out of my mouth

 

[Mari17]

Yes it makes perfect sense thank you so much for all the help but my biggest thing is with what we would call intrusive thoughts I have intrusive speech I have heard with OCD you can have urges to speak your blasphemous thoughts mostly against the spirit mine actually come out all the time it seems under my breath when I’m alone it seems they come out louder than under my breath but with the thought that makes it Way out of my mouth I thin will attach the word NOT Too it to cancel it out....... here’s my thing Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart speaks which of course scares me because anybody who speaks a word against shall not have forgiveness but I believe it’s a mental illness that makes you speak your thoughts Outloud call it Tourette’s or what have you maybe you could provide me with more info on what I call intrusive speech in the mechanics of it ! Because for so long the urge went past thanking the fault to wanting to say it out loud finally it’s like it took control though I do not in public scream and yell profanities but under my breath and again when I’m alone it comes out louder I guess maybe I’m comfortable I’m alone my mind I don’t know but I Collett intrusive speech where you have unwanted thoughts that just pop in your head I have unwanted words that just flew out of my mouth

I'm not a doctor, but my opinion is that you could treat this the same way as you do your intrusive thoughts - that is, just ignoring them as much as you can and not cancelling out the spoken words, as cancelling them seems like a compulsion to me. I think it's possible to have this kind of "obsessive Tourette's," and my guess is that treating it the same way as you do intrusive thoughts - that is, NOT doing compulsions - would work for speech as well. How can you make a plan for working on not doing your compulsions?

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

I will tell you where I'm at now my thoughts have gotten so sadistic it's as if the chemicals in my brain think them on their own I'm constantly thinking something crazy against the spirit and along with that is the feeling that I enjoy them or I want them I can't even tell that I'm concerned about it anymore constantly having this desire to think and or say it has left me totally detached and numb I can no longer hardly pray and or ready for when I do the feelings of hopelessness feelings of insanity blasphemous thoughts consume me I am to the point now where my only hope and is hard as it is I have been trying to do ERP WEAR WHATEVER FEELING AND OR THOUGHT COMES I JUST LET MY MIND THINK IT EVEN IF MY MOUTH HAS AN URGE TO SAY IT SOMETIMES I'LL JUST LET MY MOUTH SAY IT I CANNOT STOP. I HAVE LET THESE THINGS GO WHEN THE THOUGHT COMES OUR FEELINGS COME I WANT TO DO A COMPULSION REALLY BAD BUT I JUST LET MY MIND THINK THE THOUGHT I JUST LET MYSELF THINK THE THOUGHT ALMOST PURPOSELY SOMETIMES AND IT LEAVES ME WITH AN INTENSE ANXIETY TO THE POINT OF ME GOING INSANE BUT I JUST FIGURE IF I DO THAT ENOUGH THE ANXIETY SHOULD LEAVE ALMOST WITH A SCREW IT I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE BUT THEN AT THE SAME TIME WHEN I SIT THERE AND ALLOW THESE UNGODLY VILE THOUGHTS COME IN MY HEAD ALMOST AS IF I'M CONJURING THEM UP MYSELF IF I SIT THERE AND SHOW NO EMOTION IT SENDS ME INTO OVERDRIVE FOR I FEEL THAT IF I'M NOT CONCERNED OVER THE THOUGHTS COMING IN MY HEAD THAT I'M REALLY THINKING THEM AND I AGREE WITH THEM THERE FOR THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN WHEN I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL MYSELF IT DOESN'T MATTER..................REALLY IT'S JUST ERP RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I HATE GOD AND EVEN THE HOLY SPIRIT I HATE FEELING THAT WAY MY MIND IS WARPED I USED TO HAVE A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD WHERE I FELT HIM CONSTANTLY FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS A LITTLE OVER THAT CONTINUED IT WAS WONDERFUL AND THEN IN 2013 I WAS HIT WITH SOMETHING CRAZY I NO LONGER FIND ANY DESIRE TO WANT TO PRAY OR READ WHICH THEN LEAVES ME TO BELIEVE I HAVE COMMITTED BLASPHEMYWHEN I DO TRY TO PRAY AND READ IT'S AS IF I CAN FEEL DEMON SPIRITS IT'S AS IF I CAN FEEL CRAZINESS........I EVEN FEEL DESIRES OF WANTING TO GO TO HELL AND THEN MY MIND ALMOST PURPOSELY BEGINS TO BLASPHEME IT'S CRAZY CAN OCD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL I MEAN IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE I ALMOST HAVE THIS DESIRE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE DARK SIDE OR MY MIND BEGINS TO TELL ME TO GO DO WITCHCRAFT AND STUFF IT'S WEIRD WHEN I SIT HERE AND I FEEL LIKE I LOVE THE DEVIL IT DRIVES ME CRAZY

 

[Job405]

I will tell you where I'm at now my thoughts have gotten so sadistic it's as if the chemicals in my brain think them on their own I'm constantly thinking something crazy against the spirit and along with that is the feeling that I enjoy them or I want them I can't even tell that I'm concerned about it anymore constantly having this desire to think and or say it has left me totally detached and numb I can no longer hardly pray and or ready for when I do the feelings of hopelessness feelings of insanity blasphemous thoughts consume me I am to the point now where my only hope and is hard as it is I have been trying to do ERP WEAR WHATEVER FEELING AND OR THOUGHT COMES I JUST LET MY MIND THINK IT EVEN IF MY MOUTH HAS AN URGE TO SAY IT SOMETIMES I'LL JUST LET MY MOUTH SAY IT I CANNOT STOP. I HAVE LET THESE THINGS GO WHEN THE THOUGHT COMES OUR FEELINGS COME I WANT TO DO A COMPULSION REALLY BAD BUT I JUST LET MY MIND THINK THE THOUGHT I JUST LET MYSELF THINK THE THOUGHT ALMOST PURPOSELY SOMETIMES AND IT LEAVES ME WITH AN INTENSE ANXIETY TO THE POINT OF ME GOING INSANE BUT I JUST FIGURE IF I DO THAT ENOUGH THE ANXIETY SHOULD LEAVE ALMOST WITH A SCREW IT I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE BUT THEN AT THE SAME TIME WHEN I SIT THERE AND ALLOW THESE UNGODLY VILE THOUGHTS COME IN MY HEAD ALMOST AS IF I'M CONJURING THEM UP MYSELF IF I SIT THERE AND SHOW NO EMOTION IT SENDS ME INTO OVERDRIVE FOR I FEEL THAT IF I'M NOT CONCERNED OVER THE THOUGHTS COMING IN MY HEAD THAT I'M REALLY THINKING THEM AND I AGREE WITH THEM THERE FOR THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN WHEN I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL MYSELF IT DOESN'T MATTER..................REALLY IT'S JUST ERP RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I HATE GOD AND EVEN THE HOLY SPIRIT I HATE FEELING THAT WAY MY MIND IS WARPED I USED TO HAVE A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD WHERE I FELT HIM CONSTANTLY FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS A LITTLE OVER THAT CONTINUED IT WAS WONDERFUL AND THEN IN 2013 I WAS HIT WITH SOMETHING CRAZY I NO LONGER FIND ANY DESIRE TO WANT TO PRAY OR READ WHICH THEN LEAVES ME TO BELIEVE I HAVE COMMITTED BLASPHEMYWHEN I DO TRY TO PRAY AND READ IT'S AS IF I CAN FEEL DEMON SPIRITS IT'S AS IF I CAN FEEL CRAZINESS........I EVEN FEEL DESIRES OF WANTING TO GO TO HELL AND THEN MY MIND ALMOST PURPOSELY BEGINS TO BLASPHEME IT'S CRAZY CAN OCD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL I MEAN IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE I ALMOST HAVE THIS DESIRE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE DARK SIDE OR MY MIND BEGINS TO TELL ME TO GO DO WITCHCRAFT AND STUFF IT'S WEIRD WHEN I SIT HERE AND I FEEL LIKE I LOVE THE DEVIL IT DRIVES ME CRAZY

All I can say is that if you are still being attacked by evil thoughts that means you are still in the fight because why would the enemy waste their time attacking someone who is already doomed? I know one person who lost their salvation and he barely has any thoughts anymore because it is over for him.

For me the best strategy is to simply to ignore the evil thoughts and if you think something by yourself: confess, ask for forgiveness from God and repent. God knows your heart. You can also pray to the Holy Spirit, apologize to Him specifically, rebuild your relationship with Him.

Also one thing I like to do is just pray to God and tell Him that I love Him. Just a simple prayer like: Dear God in Heaven, I just wanted to pray to you and tell you that I love you no matter what! My heart and soul belong to you!

Do not trust your emotions or thoughts in your mind, the enemy uses your flesh to manipulate you. We walk by faith not by sight! Believe in Jesus and His promises, and believe that you love God, disregard any emotions or thoughts that tell you otherwise.

Whatever you do, don't succumb to sin, don't give in, don't give up! You can do this, you can find your way back with God's help!

Remember if you can still say Jesus is the Lord and mean it, you still have the Holy Spirit. I hope this helps.

 

[Mari17]

I will tell you where I'm at now my thoughts have gotten so sadistic it's as if the chemicals in my brain think them on their own I'm constantly thinking something crazy against the spirit and along with that is the feeling that I enjoy them or I want them I can't even tell that I'm concerned about it anymore constantly having this desire to think and or say it has left me totally detached and numb I can no longer hardly pray and or ready for when I do the feelings of hopelessness feelings of insanity blasphemous thoughts consume me I am to the point now where my only hope and is hard as it is I have been trying to do ERP WEAR WHATEVER FEELING AND OR THOUGHT COMES I JUST LET MY MIND THINK IT EVEN IF MY MOUTH HAS AN URGE TO SAY IT SOMETIMES I'LL JUST LET MY MOUTH SAY IT I CANNOT STOP. I HAVE LET THESE THINGS GO WHEN THE THOUGHT COMES OUR FEELINGS COME I WANT TO DO A COMPULSION REALLY BAD BUT I JUST LET MY MIND THINK THE THOUGHT I JUST LET MYSELF THINK THE THOUGHT ALMOST PURPOSELY SOMETIMES AND IT LEAVES ME WITH AN INTENSE ANXIETY TO THE POINT OF ME GOING INSANE BUT I JUST FIGURE IF I DO THAT ENOUGH THE ANXIETY SHOULD LEAVE ALMOST WITH A SCREW IT I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE BUT THEN AT THE SAME TIME WHEN I SIT THERE AND ALLOW THESE UNGODLY VILE THOUGHTS COME IN MY HEAD ALMOST AS IF I'M CONJURING THEM UP MYSELF IF I SIT THERE AND SHOW NO EMOTION IT SENDS ME INTO OVERDRIVE FOR I FEEL THAT IF I'M NOT CONCERNED OVER THE THOUGHTS COMING IN MY HEAD THAT I'M REALLY THINKING THEM AND I AGREE WITH THEM THERE FOR THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN WHEN I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL MYSELF IT DOESN'T MATTER..................REALLY IT'S JUST ERP RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I HATE GOD AND EVEN THE HOLY SPIRIT I HATE FEELING THAT WAY MY MIND IS WARPED I USED TO HAVE A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD WHERE I FELT HIM CONSTANTLY FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS A LITTLE OVER THAT CONTINUED IT WAS WONDERFUL AND THEN IN 2013 I WAS HIT WITH SOMETHING CRAZY I NO LONGER FIND ANY DESIRE TO WANT TO PRAY OR READ WHICH THEN LEAVES ME TO BELIEVE I HAVE COMMITTED BLASPHEMYWHEN I DO TRY TO PRAY AND READ IT'S AS IF I CAN FEEL DEMON SPIRITS IT'S AS IF I CAN FEEL CRAZINESS........I EVEN FEEL DESIRES OF WANTING TO GO TO HELL AND THEN MY MIND ALMOST PURPOSELY BEGINS TO BLASPHEME IT'S CRAZY CAN OCD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL I MEAN IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE I ALMOST HAVE THIS DESIRE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE DARK SIDE OR MY MIND BEGINS TO TELL ME TO GO DO WITCHCRAFT AND STUFF IT'S WEIRD WHEN I SIT HERE AND I FEEL LIKE I LOVE THE DEVIL IT DRIVES ME CRAZY

Good for you for doing ERP! Letting the thoughts be without doing compulsions to "get rid of them" is NOT the same as agreeing with them or wanting them, even though it feels like it is. Let them be, and do your best to live your life and fill up your time with the things YOU want to do, not the things (compulsions, ruminating, etc.) that OCD tries to force you to do.

Yes, OCD can make you feel like you want just about any terrible, awful thing. I've struggled with a couple really bad obsessions in the course of my battle with OCD. It really is awful what it makes you feel. The wonderful thing is that our feelings are not indicative of reality, at least not in the case of OCD. Keep ignoring the thoughts. Keep refusing to do compulsions. Keep living your life. Remember, the goal is not to get rid of the thoughts (although that does usually happen when you ignore them for long enough!) - the goal is to live your life the way YOU want to, without wasting time doing what the OCD wants. If you're doing that, you're achieving your goal, even if the obsessive thoughts are still there.

 

[zachariahjosephturner]

Good for you for doing ERP! Letting the thoughts be without doing compulsions to "get rid of them" is NOT the same as agreeing with them or wanting them, even though it feels like it is. Let them be, and do your best to live your life and fill up your time with the things YOU want to do, not the things (compulsions, ruminating, etc.) that OCD tries to force you to do.

Yes, OCD can make you feel like you want just about any terrible, awful thing. I've struggled with a couple really bad obsessions in the course of my battle with OCD. It really is awful what it makes you feel. The wonderful thing is that our feelings are not indicative of reality, at least not in the case of OCD. Keep ignoring the thoughts. Keep refusing to do compulsions. Keep living your life. Remember, the goal is not to get rid of the thoughts (although that does usually happen when you ignore them for long enough!) - the goal is to live your life the way YOU want to, without wasting time doing what the OCD wants. If you're doing that, you're achieving your goal, even if the obsessive thoughts are still there.

I truthfully and honestly thank you immensely for all your help lightly it's just been really bad it's telling me I want the thoughts you know those feelings it's almost as if I think them as habit and maybe so I feel like they're all I want to thank. I've been playing music for over 20 years that keeps me busy I love to play praise and worship I love to play music in general so that is one thing that tries to occupy my mind. but I've not read a lot on intrusive speech I guess so to speak tourettes as my thoughts have been there for so long now they want to come out of my mouth sometimes they do under my breath and sometimes they don't but it's one of those things I have to live life and ignore everything totally that is erp doing that constantly ignoring everything whether I speak it on accident or whether it just wants to come out and I fought it and finally it slips out just to let it go most certainly know who God is he's not an evil tyrant did God of course I know that he's a wonderful merciful God who understand but thanks for your replies and all your help

 

[Mari17]

I truthfully and honestly thank you immensely for all your help lightly it's just been really bad it's telling me I want the thoughts you know those feelings it's almost as if I think them as habit and maybe so I feel like they're all I want to thank. I've been playing music for over 20 years that keeps me busy I love to play praise and worship I love to play music in general so that is one thing that tries to occupy my mind. but I've not read a lot on intrusive speech I guess so to speak tourettes as my thoughts have been there for so long now they want to come out of my mouth sometimes they do under my breath and sometimes they don't but it's one of those things I have to live life and ignore everything totally that is erp doing that constantly ignoring everything whether I speak it on accident or whether it just wants to come out and I fought it and finally it slips out just to let it go most certainly know who God is he's not an evil tyrant did God of course I know that he's a wonderful merciful God who understand but thanks for your replies and all your help

Yes! Keep practicing ERP, and trusting God's grace to cover you. He is a wonderful, merciful God, and so trustworthy! It's amazing to keep learning how to rest in Him!