OCD, Scrupulosity, Apathy, depression, intrusive thoughts...

[Z3AL]

Hi I'm new here and I came here looking for answers really. I've been through some really really rough times lately and to be honest I feel completely undone because of this whole situation. This whole ordeal started as apathy slowly creeping in for roughly what seemed like between 1-2 years. It increased successively until I went completely numb while I still tried to manage everything in life including my faith. Then one day about 3-4 months ago I felt the apathy increasing even more and at that point it was like I knew I had crossed a fine line ini the sand through a period where my attention shifted from Christ to wordly matters. Once those things didn't go my way I felt even more darkness seeping in to cloud my judgement even more. And it was debilitating and I can only attribute that to dissappointment and lowering of my self-esteem. At the same time I felt my faith, love, empathy, my whole humanity die even more. I remember sinking lower and lower into my chair and it was like this voice or maybe feeling said"let everything go" and when I did it was like the light left me completely. I thought I had hit rock bottom before but now this was something else. A quick descent into the abyss of the void. And then I had realized this I thought to myself I have to do something about it quickly and it was as if the apathy somehow also made me unable to think clearly or even at all. So I began repenting of my wordly escapades and kept seeking and almost forcing my way through prayer because I felt so dead on the inside. Then I began to think my conscience had been seared so I kept seeking God and praying till my head would literally hurt. But it was like I couldn't come to a true repentance, that broken and contrite heart through a crisis of conviction. One day while praying and crying I literally felt a pain in my head and then suddenly flashes of "light" in my head. I started hearing voices and images that all of a suddden started floating around in my mind. Horriffic images and cursewords started to appear out of the blue, what I've now identified as intrusive thoughts.
Ever since then I've struggled with this overwhealming issue without resolve and it has taken it's toll on me. I don't want to describe the thoughts but they are the worst of the worst. And since then it has continued to haunt me and I don't feel anything anymore. Worst part is the apathy took away everything, even my fear of God or anything really and left me with this unloving hardened heart that is cold as ice. Sometimes it feels like pride. The more time passes the worse it gets it seems...Such a mess...Off course there's a lot more to it but it would take ages to put it into text...

 

[Dendy]

I think you are feeling a lot more than you think you are. You have some serious symptoms and bless your heart, you need to see a doctor. There may very well be medication that can help you. Without my medication, my quality of life would be awful. Terrible awful horrible thoughts have often clouded my mind. I hate them. I don't want them. You need to get some help. I'll pray for you.

 

[Mari17]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling so much! I've had really terrible obsessions before. OCD likes to do that to us. It can also make us feel apathetic when we don't want to.

I guess one of my first questions is, are you currently getting any support in the form of therapy and/or medication? Also, have you had OCD/scrupulosity in other areas of your life?

 

[Z3AL]

I think you are feeling a lot more than you think you are. You have some serious symptoms and bless your heart, you need to see a doctor. There may very well be medication that can help you. Without my medication, my quality of life would be awful. Terrible awful horrible thoughts have often clouded my mind. I hate them. I don't want them. You need to get some help. I'll pray for you.

Maybe you're right, but then it would be buried so deep inside it's almost impossible to find. I went to see a doctor but in all honesty it hasn't really helped that much. He basically told me after having my bloodwork done that my B12 level was a a bit on the lower end of the spectrum. Other than that everything checks out. Also had a bit of an accident a few days ago and fractured some ribs after a fall on an ice patch. Hurt crazy much, but since then it has faded pretty much now. The scary thing is it didn't really take my mind of the intrusive thoughts.
I'm glad to hear you found something to relieve you from this neverending torture. I agree, I HATE them and don't want them.

 

[Z3AL]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling so much! I've had really terrible obsessions before. OCD likes to do that to us. It can also make us feel apathetic when we don't want to.

I guess one of my first questions is, are you currently getting any support in the form of therapy and/or medication? Also, have you had OCD/scrupulosity in other areas of your life?

Thanks for your concern. Yeah, it's been impossibly difficult. It's like I've become everything I never wanted to be...
To answer your question on whether I'm getting any support: Not yet to be honest. I've seen a psychiatrist once so far and that's about it. And to answer your second question: Never had ocd/scrupulosity before so I guess that's a no.

 

[Dendy]

Oh, wow! It sounds like you've had a really difficult time lately!!!! I'm so sorry to hear of the accident. Please be sure to tell your doctor about your thoughts and feelings. I would have thought it would have taken a more substantial direction besides a B12 level correction. It's extremely important to tell the doctor everything. Don't worry if it sounds crazy because I've told doctors some of the most ridiculous thoughts ever.

 

[Mari17]

Thanks for your concern. Yeah, it's been impossibly difficult. It's like I've become everything I never wanted to be...
To answer your question on whether I'm getting any support: Not yet to be honest. I've seen a psychiatrist once so far and that's about it. And to answer your second question: Never had ocd/scrupulosity before so I guess that's a no.

What makes you think you are being apathetic? I mean, how is that spiritual apathy playing out in your life? Also, could I ask what you mean by "worldly escapades"?

 

[Z3AL]

Oh, wow! It sounds like you've had a really difficult time lately!!!! I'm so sorry to hear of the accident. Please be sure to tell your doctor about your thoughts and feelings. I would have thought it would have taken a more substantial direction besides a B12 level correction. It's extremely important to tell the doctor everything. Don't worry if it sounds crazy because I've told doctors some of the most ridiculous thoughts ever.

Yeah, it has been unbearable ...Even though the ribs are a bit better now that the pain has subsided a bit.
Thanks for your concern. If I remember it right I did tell him about feeling apathetic/indifferent and all that. That's why he remitted me to a psychiatrist

What makes you think you are being apathetic? I mean, how is that spiritual apathy playing out in your life? Also, could I ask what you mean by "worldly escapades"?

Well for starters, not having any "feelings", being totally indifferent to life in general and all that it entails, just plain cold. Spiritualy I'd say I feel completely dead inside...no conviction of sin, no fear of God, lack of everything I once had spiritually...
I'm sorry for not clarifying, what I meant to say was more in line with word "wordliness" I suppose. My focus shifted from focusing on the daily struggle of taking up the cross and following the Lord to focusing on wordly things and trying to make things my own. That's where I somewhere got lost and started to putting more trust in myself and my own efforts than what the Lord had already provided and supplied. I missed all the telltale signs of my ignorance and it led me astray. It's like all the wordly knowledge and promises overtook my desire for the Lord, a compromise I regret making. Also having my mind on and reading about things I shouldn't have. Dark things of the world and what powers lie behind it all...if you know what I mean? I think all that affected me more than I'll ever know and one day it all exploded in my mind...it tore the walls down and soon I was overcome with intrusive thoughts. It's also health related, I'm sure of it since I've been struggling with my health for quite some time.

 

[Dendy]

Something sounds strange to me about your situation. OCD patients feel a lot of fear. It scares me that your situation almost sounds Sociopathic in nature. I'm just not sure how to try to help you. But I hope that your belief in God and His Son Jesus will become so strong that it is unbreakable!!!!!!!

 

[Z3AL]

Something sounds strange to me about your situation. OCD patients feel a lot of fear. It scares me that your situation almost sounds Sociopathic in nature. I'm just not sure how to try to help you. But I hope that your belief in God and His Son Jesus will become so strong that it is unbreakable!!!!!!!

I certainly would hope not It scares me aswell and I hope it's not come to that...it is strange to say the least that I would change like that in that short amount of time. I'm also experienceing memory problems/thinking/concentration...That I would go from God fearing, empathetic and loving to this condition, whatever this really is? When everything broke down I remember the intense fear that came over me and I couldn't even get a minutes sleep for four days in a row...Sometimes I wonder, is it health related? Or have I just gone insane? Or have I caused this somehow? Thanks for trying Dendy, I really appreciate it. I'm just as unsure as what to do as you. Sometimes there's this little spark that I've felt, can't really explain it more than a feeling of something for peolpe around me. It happened yesterday for a bit in the early morning when thinking of my family. Amen to that!!!

 

[Mari17]

Yeah, it has been unbearable ...Even though the ribs are a bit better now that the pain has subsided a bit.
Thanks for your concern. If I remember it right I did tell him about feeling apathetic/indifferent and all that. That's why he remitted me to a psychiatrist



Well for starters, not having any "feelings", being totally indifferent to life in general and all that it entails, just plain cold. Spiritualy I'd say I feel completely dead inside...no conviction of sin, no fear of God, lack of everything I once had spiritually...
I'm sorry for not clarifying, what I meant to say was more in line with word "wordliness" I suppose. My focus shifted from focusing on the daily struggle of taking up the cross and following the Lord to focusing on wordly things and trying to make things my own. That's where I somewhere got lost and started to putting more trust in myself and my own efforts than what the Lord had already provided and supplied. I missed all the telltale signs of my ignorance and it led me astray. It's like all the wordly knowledge and promises overtook my desire for the Lord, a compromise I regret making. Also having my mind on and reading about things I shouldn't have. Dark things of the world and what powers lie behind it all...if you know what I mean? I think all that affected me more than I'll ever know and one day it all exploded in my mind...it tore the walls down and soon I was overcome with intrusive thoughts. It's also health related, I'm sure of it since I've been struggling with my health for quite some time.

One thing that helps me with my OCD is focusing on what I can control, rather than what I can't. I can't really control my intrusive thoughts or my feelings, but I can control my actions. For example, if my OCD is trying to make me feel like I don't care about God, that can be distressing, because I DO want to care about God. The OCD wants me to be distressed about this, to focus on the feeling, to go round and round wondering why I feel this way and what it says about me. But it doesn't really solve anything to hyper-analyze my feelings like that; and after all, isn't it irrelevant? I can still choose to follow God, no matter how I feel. Even if I feel apathetic, or feel nothing, or feel like I don't want to follow Him - no matter my feelings, I can still CHOOSE to believe in Him and follow Him. The same with repentance - I can still make the choice to repent, even if I'm afraid that I don't FEEL "repentant enough." OCD can mess with my thoughts and feelings, but it can never take away my power to choose.

 

[TenthAveN]

I know the numbness too, man. The feelings like I don’t even want to follow Jesus, or even try too. Perhaps I’m getting burnt out again, and my feelings are just so tired of this anxiety. I’ve felt a very forceful drawing to the world, perhaps as a result of being burnt out. I’ve indulged myself in things that I shouldn’t, and I physically feel no conviction. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Z3AL]

One thing that helps me with my OCD is focusing on what I can control, rather than what I can't. I can't really control my intrusive thoughts or my feelings, but I can control my actions. For example, if my OCD is trying to make me feel like I don't care about God, that can be distressing, because I DO want to care about God. The OCD wants me to be distressed about this, to focus on the feeling, to go round and round wondering why I feel this way and what it says about me. But it doesn't really solve anything to hyper-analyze my feelings like that; and after all, isn't it irrelevant? I can still choose to follow God, no matter how I feel. Even if I feel apathetic, or feel nothing, or feel like I don't want to follow Him - no matter my feelings, I can still CHOOSE to believe in Him and follow Him. The same with repentance - I can still make the choice to repent, even if I'm afraid that I don't FEEL "repentant enough." OCD can mess with my thoughts and feelings, but it can never take away my power to choose.

Well said. You're 100% right. Thanks for the encouragement. I can relate to the whole prospect of "not caring enouggh or "feeling" repentant enough"...I'll try and keep that in mind.

 

[Z3AL]

I know the numbness too, man. The feelings like I don’t even want to follow Jesus, or even try too. Perhaps I’m getting burnt out again, and my feelings are just so tired of this anxiety. I’ve felt a very forceful drawing to the world, perhaps as a result of being burnt out. I’ve indulged myself in things that I shouldn’t, and I physically feel no conviction. I hope things get better for you.

Sorry to hear you're also suffering the same afflictions. I hope and pray that you get out of the pit. Thanks for you concern.

 

[Z3AL]

It's been quite awhile and things are worse than ever...I feel like I've fallen prey to my own stupidity and ignorance and ultimately succumbed to a darkness so deep that words fail to describe it...so drained both mentally and physically...hopelessness and despair has devoured me...Wherever I turn it clings on to my clouded mind and wraps itself like a veil over my already blind eyes, always present...not a moment to spare...it manifests itself as myself and always manages to rear it's ugly head as it whispers in my own voice...

 

[Mari17]

It's been quite awhile and things are worse than ever...I feel like I've fallen prey to my own stupidity and ignorance and ultimately succumbed to a darkness so deep that words fail to describe it...so drained both mentally and physically...hopelessness and despair has devoured me...Wherever I turn it clings on to my clouded mind and wraps itself like a veil over my already blind eyes, always present...not a moment to spare...it manifests itself as myself and always manages to rear it's ugly head as it whispers in my own voice...

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling again! What do you mean by "fallen prey to my own stupidity and ignorance"? Can you give a concrete example (or two)?

 

[Z3AL]

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling again! What do you mean by "fallen prey to my own stupidity and ignorance"? Can you give a concrete example (or two)?

Thanks for your concern Mari. The thoughts and everything that surrounds that have become such a nuisance that I no longer funtion and it's all my own fault. I let myself go and this is the fruits of it all, a depraved mind and a heart of stone. Sin is what hardens the heart. It's like I can't reason anymore and I can't get out of my head, I don't get a moments rerst and I don't deserve it.

I've tried to accept the thoughts and then not pay them any attention but it seems they latch onto anything and then my mind makes these crazy associations that I can't shake. Sick and distgusting thoughts...It could be about anything really. One example of my stupidity is ruminating over the same thought and thinking:"Why am I not reacting or why do I not feel remorse by having this or that thought?" Of course that keeps triggering them. Another example would be not meditating on the Word because of laziness and hopelessness, also letting myself be convinced by my faulty assumptions that this is all me for example. And that this all means I am the person I "think" I am if that makes sense at all? Or have "brainwashed" myself into thinking I was having a spiritual problem and then obsessing over that when in fact it was a physical problem or health related issue that manifested itself mentally? And so on and so forth...

And for some reason old memories or things from the past that I had already dealt with come back with a vengance. All while I've grown so cold and hard that everything feels impossible, like the very essence of life itself has been lost. Like living without a prupose, like I've lost the will or the interest in life itself...The indifference is what's killing me. It has left me in a worse state than Esau. Laziness has also had it's grip on me. At the same time I have some major health issues that I can't recover from either, been to soo many doctors that I can't even remember. I've never gotten any straight answers.

Something tells me though that this isn't just in my head but something closely related to these health issues I'm experiancing at the moment including all the stress and wrong desicions that lead me here by not trusting the Lord enough...And now I can't seem to find a true genuine repentance.
Couldn't even keep my new job, so I had no option but to quit. Nothings left of me but an empty shell. I don't know what to do really...

So sorry for the long reply.

 

[Mari17]

Thanks for your concern Mari. The thoughts and everything that surrounds that have become such a nuisance that I no longer funtion and it's all my own fault. I let myself go and this is the fruits of it all, a depraved mind and a heart of stone. Sin is what hardens the heart. It's like I can't reason anymore and I can't get out of my head, I don't get a moments rerst and I don't deserve it.

I've tried to accept the thoughts and then not pay them any attention but it seems they latch onto anything and then my mind makes these crazy associations that I can't shake. Sick and distgusting thoughts...It could be about anything really. One example of my stupidity is ruminating over the same thought and thinking:"Why am I not reacting or why do I not feel remorse by having this or that thought?" Of course that keeps triggering them. Another example would be not meditating on the Word because of laziness and hopelessness, also letting myself be convinced by my faulty assumptions that this is all me for example. And that this all means I am the person I "think" I am if that makes sense at all? Or have "brainwashed" myself into thinking I was having a spiritual problem and then obsessing over that when in fact it was a physical problem or health related issue that manifested itself mentally? And so on and so forth...

And for some reason old memories or things from the past that I had already dealt with come back with a vengance. All while I've grown so cold and hard that everything feels impossible, like the very essence of life itself has been lost. Like living without a prupose, like I've lost the will or the interest in life itself...The indifference is what's killing me. It has left me in a worse state than Esau. Laziness has also had it's grip on me. At the same time I have some major health issues that I can't recover from either, been to soo many doctors that I can't even remember. I've never gotten any straight answers.

Something tells me though that this isn't just in my head but something closely related to these health issues I'm experiancing at the moment including all the stress and wrong desicions that lead me here by not trusting the Lord enough...And now I can't seem to find a true genuine repentance.
Couldn't even keep my new job, so I had no option but to quit. Nothings left of me but an empty shell. I don't know what to do really...

So sorry for the long reply.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much.

I guess one of my questions is, why is indifference a problem?

 

[Z3AL]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much.

I guess one of my questions is, why is indifference a problem?

Thanks for your concern.
The indifference has bottled up my emotions and placed me in a position where I seem to just be existing but nothing more. But trapped in a nightmare thaht I can't wake up from. Evil thoughts come and it feels like I'm the one thinking them, like my mind purposefully tries to "check" if I react to them. If not, it must mean that it's me and I try to snap out of it. Seems like an impossible endeavour. It's like my mind has been rewired to "think" a certain way, a total reverse of what once was. These associations I guess in a sense were built on fear and when the fear subsided, indifference filled it's place once I was beyond anxiety. I even lost the fear of heights which was always a problem for me.

 

[Job405]

Thanks for your concern.
The indifference has bottled up my emotions and placed me in a position where I seem to just be existing but nothing more. But trapped in a nightmare thaht I can't wake up from. Evil thoughts come and it feels like I'm the one thinking them, like my mind purposefully tries to "check" if I react to them. If not, it must mean that it's me and I try to snap out of it. Seems like an impossible endeavour. It's like my mind has been rewired to "think" a certain way, a total reverse of what once was. These associations I guess in a sense were built on fear and when the fear subsided, indifference filled it's place once I was beyond anxiety. I even lost the fear of heights which was always a problem for me.

Have you tried pushing through that wall of apathy and doing something for other people, that doesn't necessarily directly benefit yourself? Like helping the poor or even praying for someone in need. Praying for others sometimes helps me and I feel good when doing it, and I have faith that God hears me. Sow righteousness and reap mercy, the Bible says.