Hi, I was wondering if I could have some advice or guidance. I was diagnosed with OCD in high-school, and I'm now 36. It is primarily related to my fear of the unforgiveable sin. Specifically, years ago I thought that certain acts were unforgiveable, but I did them anyway because I was angry. After that, I began to believe that God wanted me to do certain other things (rituals) or else he'd damn me for good.
Part of me understands that this is spectacularly unlikely (though I find it difficult to say that it's impossible that God might be that way simply because there's a lot in the Bible that makes me feel God can be unpredictable and scarey sometimes), but...
The main problem is that, when I was developing these rituals, I couldn't shake the idea that God might, just MIGHT, want me to do these things. So, I ended up asking God for signs, like "OK, God, if you want me to do these rituals, please make it so that the license plate of the next car I see ends in a 6" and so on. Sometimes these signs came up negative (e.g., the license plate didn't end in a 6), but sometimes they came up positive (e.g., they did end in a 6).
These signs seemed to come up positive far more often than they should have randomly. I often think of times when I asked and immediately saw some sort of positive sign like that. My therapist tells me that it's just my mind playing tricks on me, in that the positive signs only seem more vivid than the negative signs due to my OCD. However, I remember asking for these signs and being so strongly convinced that they had come up too often to be brushed aside. Therefore, I feel God wants me to continue my rituals even though I acknowledge that God wouldn't often ask anyone to do these things.
This has been going on for years now. Often I wish I could see back into the past to actually determine whether or not the signs were really true or not, but that isn't going to happen, so I feel trapped by the signs I asked for (and apparently got) years ago. More realistically, I keep hoping that I'll have some moment of revelation that shows me how all the signs I asked for didn't actually occur, but it hasn't happened yet.
I go to a therapist, but he concentrates on the idea that I need to accept that feeling of uncertainty I have about it, but it isn't just a feeling I have, it's an actual memory of signs, so I cannot (or will not) actually dismiss it like that.
Anyway, thanks for reading this!
Part of me understands that this is spectacularly unlikely (though I find it difficult to say that it's impossible that God might be that way simply because there's a lot in the Bible that makes me feel God can be unpredictable and scarey sometimes), but...
The main problem is that, when I was developing these rituals, I couldn't shake the idea that God might, just MIGHT, want me to do these things. So, I ended up asking God for signs, like "OK, God, if you want me to do these rituals, please make it so that the license plate of the next car I see ends in a 6" and so on. Sometimes these signs came up negative (e.g., the license plate didn't end in a 6), but sometimes they came up positive (e.g., they did end in a 6).
These signs seemed to come up positive far more often than they should have randomly. I often think of times when I asked and immediately saw some sort of positive sign like that. My therapist tells me that it's just my mind playing tricks on me, in that the positive signs only seem more vivid than the negative signs due to my OCD. However, I remember asking for these signs and being so strongly convinced that they had come up too often to be brushed aside. Therefore, I feel God wants me to continue my rituals even though I acknowledge that God wouldn't often ask anyone to do these things.
This has been going on for years now. Often I wish I could see back into the past to actually determine whether or not the signs were really true or not, but that isn't going to happen, so I feel trapped by the signs I asked for (and apparently got) years ago. More realistically, I keep hoping that I'll have some moment of revelation that shows me how all the signs I asked for didn't actually occur, but it hasn't happened yet.
I go to a therapist, but he concentrates on the idea that I need to accept that feeling of uncertainty I have about it, but it isn't just a feeling I have, it's an actual memory of signs, so I cannot (or will not) actually dismiss it like that.
Anyway, thanks for reading this!