Hey, it's me again.
I've been on a frustrating cycle of thinking I'm saying something sinful (mainly that I'm talking to demons), then praying for forgiveness, then having, like, a few seconds of peace, to going right back where I started. It's gotten so bad that it was a struggle to open my mouth to eat or drink, because I was obsessing over saying something bad, and worried that since I was thinking about it so hard that I'd say it out loud (like being deep in thought and talking to myself). So, keeping my mouth shut kept me safe. I keep telling myself, I'm not really saying it, but then I can feel myself saying the bad thing. And so I quickly pray for forgiveness, and I'm good... for a few minutes. There's times where I'll put off asking for forgiveness, because that seems to slow the cycle, but the anxiety is still there, like I have unfinished business that I have to take care of before my mind can be clean again.
I've got to stop this. I don't WANT to say these things. I don't want to even be thinking about it! Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? I feel like God's grace would be okay with me stopping the cycle by NOT incessantly asking for forgiveness about this one specific thing. I feel like He'd be okay if I let it go. But I'm also afraid of crossing the line between thinking I'm saying the bad thing, and having a moment of being fed up and actually saying it under my breath. Because I've done that, and then been like "oh no, quick, pray, before something bad happens." I need help in knowing that nothing horrible is going to happen if I were to say it out loud. Because that takes away the anxiety, and that helps me stop obsessing. I DO NOT WANT to say these things, and I wish I could stop obsessing over it!
I've been on a frustrating cycle of thinking I'm saying something sinful (mainly that I'm talking to demons), then praying for forgiveness, then having, like, a few seconds of peace, to going right back where I started. It's gotten so bad that it was a struggle to open my mouth to eat or drink, because I was obsessing over saying something bad, and worried that since I was thinking about it so hard that I'd say it out loud (like being deep in thought and talking to myself). So, keeping my mouth shut kept me safe. I keep telling myself, I'm not really saying it, but then I can feel myself saying the bad thing. And so I quickly pray for forgiveness, and I'm good... for a few minutes. There's times where I'll put off asking for forgiveness, because that seems to slow the cycle, but the anxiety is still there, like I have unfinished business that I have to take care of before my mind can be clean again.
I've got to stop this. I don't WANT to say these things. I don't want to even be thinking about it! Has anyone dealt with this kind of thing? I feel like God's grace would be okay with me stopping the cycle by NOT incessantly asking for forgiveness about this one specific thing. I feel like He'd be okay if I let it go. But I'm also afraid of crossing the line between thinking I'm saying the bad thing, and having a moment of being fed up and actually saying it under my breath. Because I've done that, and then been like "oh no, quick, pray, before something bad happens." I need help in knowing that nothing horrible is going to happen if I were to say it out loud. Because that takes away the anxiety, and that helps me stop obsessing. I DO NOT WANT to say these things, and I wish I could stop obsessing over it!
