First 3 years of my OCD were filled with the obsession "What if God does not exist?" That obsession is over now, although it comes back for short periods of time sometimes. I have a lot of obsessions, they can be about lots of things, but the ones that take up most of my time are perfectionism obsessions and obsessions about being sure of finished things (like closed doors, mailed emails, correct math calculations etc.)
But my question is about this spiritual obsession of constantly fearing that I am not forgiven by God. It is very debilitating, almost as bad as the obsession of God's existence. I can't feel at peace and joyful and secure in salvation when I constantly have this obsession that my sins are not forgiven. This is a major obsession of mine at the moment and has been since the obsession of God's existence has left.
I read articles about how God removes our sins from his presence forever once we trust Jesus and his finished work. I read them over and over trying to reassure myself of the gospel but it just does not work. The more I try to reassure myself the more fearful I get. Sometimes the reassurance works, and I get filled with peace and assurance that all my sins are forgiven and I am a child of God now, but right when I experience that peace I get those obsessive thoughts coming at me again. To try to ward them off, I try to keep preaching to myself the gospel over and over to stop them, but it slips out of my mind and is replaced by fear and doubt again and again. Basically, seconds after I am filled with the peace and joy and a worshipful heart of joy, the obsessive thought of not being forgiven slips in again and again and destroys that peace, crippling me spiritually. This is devastating to me... I cannot live at peace knowing that all my sin is forgiven. I feel like a hypocrite going to church, like I'm not even saved, and I avoid contact with other Christians because my heart is full of fear and not of overflowing with peace and assurance of God's love and forgiveness of me.
I just don't know how to deal with this.
I copied and pasted sooo many quotes about God's grace and forgiveness, and I constantly keep looking for newer better ones trying to reassure myself, but it pretty much hardly ever works, and when it does work, the obsessive thoughts sneak back in seconds after they leave.
Also, I feel that the obsession keeps me from being able to understand those quotes. When I try to read the quotes with the tension of the obsession still in my head, I don't understand what I read. It's like a mental block and nothing I try to learn gets into my brain.
I don't know who to go to for help. Do any of you have any advice about how I could get this obsessional fear from constantly sneaking into my head?
But my question is about this spiritual obsession of constantly fearing that I am not forgiven by God. It is very debilitating, almost as bad as the obsession of God's existence. I can't feel at peace and joyful and secure in salvation when I constantly have this obsession that my sins are not forgiven. This is a major obsession of mine at the moment and has been since the obsession of God's existence has left.
I read articles about how God removes our sins from his presence forever once we trust Jesus and his finished work. I read them over and over trying to reassure myself of the gospel but it just does not work. The more I try to reassure myself the more fearful I get. Sometimes the reassurance works, and I get filled with peace and assurance that all my sins are forgiven and I am a child of God now, but right when I experience that peace I get those obsessive thoughts coming at me again. To try to ward them off, I try to keep preaching to myself the gospel over and over to stop them, but it slips out of my mind and is replaced by fear and doubt again and again. Basically, seconds after I am filled with the peace and joy and a worshipful heart of joy, the obsessive thought of not being forgiven slips in again and again and destroys that peace, crippling me spiritually. This is devastating to me... I cannot live at peace knowing that all my sin is forgiven. I feel like a hypocrite going to church, like I'm not even saved, and I avoid contact with other Christians because my heart is full of fear and not of overflowing with peace and assurance of God's love and forgiveness of me.
I just don't know how to deal with this.
I copied and pasted sooo many quotes about God's grace and forgiveness, and I constantly keep looking for newer better ones trying to reassure myself, but it pretty much hardly ever works, and when it does work, the obsessive thoughts sneak back in seconds after they leave.
Also, I feel that the obsession keeps me from being able to understand those quotes. When I try to read the quotes with the tension of the obsession still in my head, I don't understand what I read. It's like a mental block and nothing I try to learn gets into my brain.
I don't know who to go to for help. Do any of you have any advice about how I could get this obsessional fear from constantly sneaking into my head?