Obsessing over and worrying too much about a new crush

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone,

I keep worrying and obsessing about dating. I keep fantising about guys and am currently doing that with one guy in particular who I have been friends with for about six months now. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I ended up really liking his personality. He is a godly family man (no, he is not married, but he loves children, and treats his family well, so far that I'm seeing), who is trying to live healthy, he is friendly, and funny. I have been in a relationship before where that did happen, but I eventually became physically attracted to them. There are physical traits that I do like about about him such as his hardy laugh and smile. He also has some muscle to him and he is tall. He does have a crush on me and he asked me to hang out with me him about a month or so ago which I said no that I was too busy, because honestly at the time I wasn't interested in him. So, he told me to let him know when I wasn't busy. When some time went by and I said nothing about hanging out sometime he later asked one of our lady friends if she would like to hang out with him sometime as well in front of me. They ended up exchanging phone numbers. Later, though I did keep catching myself thinking about him and didn't want to admit it. I later started wondering if I was starting to become interested in him as our semester went on and I got to know him more, since we do sit next to each other in two classes and I honestly did look at his Facebook page . We also have a pathfinder group which is like D&D, but we are all Christians playing it. He let go of it due to his busy schedule, but he has attended sometimes. I told him recently that I'm able to hang out which he said that he was too busy with work, school, and ministry. He felt bad and apologized, but then he turned around and said that he would try to hang out with me this weekend. He didn't, but that's ok since I know that he has work and school full time as well as his ministry as a volunteer youth pastor. I do think that there may be one red flag that came up about him when he wrote his back story for his pathfinder character he put an implied rape scene in it and it made me uncomfortable, especially since I have been raped before. So, if him and I end up going out on dates I would like to bring that up to him politely and see what he says. I did think it was a strange that he asked our friend out as well in front of me, but I think that maybe by this time he knew I wasn't interested in him at the time. I also want to know how He met Jesus, how He spends time with God, and if he is into courting. I keep worrying that he is going to end up liking the other girl, even though he did ask me to hang out first, but he is a single guy. He is allowed to like multiple girls, like how I like multiple guys. It is good to keep our options open. I also keep worrying that things won't work out between us like, if we don't even get to hang out or have a first date or his answer to his implied rape scene being disturbing, him not wanting to court, losing interest in me, or him thinking I'm a creeper for looking at his Facebook which we are friends on. I also keep telling myself that I don't need to be worrying about this since God knows what He is doing and that He is in control. If he is really interested and if God wants this to go further that it will happen. I keep trying to put this into God's Hands , so that He can take care of it and His Will be done. I have felt from Him that it's fine to date and to go on a date with this guy, but He doesn't want me to obsess over it and unfortunately, that is what I have been doing. The last guy I was interested in this cycle of thinking got me nervous and even more anxious. It may have prevented us from going on a second date, since I needed a little more time and the guy showed me that he wasn't willing to wait it seemed. I keep trying to ask God to help me to keep my thoughts captive when it comes to this, thinking sexual thoughts, and worrying or having obsessive thoughts in general. This is all challenging due to my OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. It keeps my thoughts/worries wheeling in my head and it causes me more anxiety. I keep trying to remind myself that if things don't work out I should count it all Joy, since it will be God's Will, and protecting me from a relationship that shouldn't happen. If it does then I shouldn't worry about it ending then, I should just see where it goes and enjoy the journey. I shouldn't worry about what this guy thinks of me; I keeping catching myself worrying about that as well. I also worry about ignoring red flags, since I have done that in previous relationships, since I have such a strong desire to get married and have children of my own someday, but I need to follow God's Will and be patient. I have been trying to work on my relationship with God also, I'm definitely seeing that this is a time that I need to press deeper into my relationship with Him. I want our relationship to continue to strengthen and grow regardless. I also want to be content with Jesus whether I ever get married or end up single.

Please pray for me and that God's Will be done with all of this. Also, any advice or input is much appreciated. Thank God and thank you all for your Prayers and your help.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

If there's a type of man you picture yourself being with, cultivate within yourself something that will compliment what you like about him.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I will be honest and mean nothing personal with this... but are you in maybe your early 20s? If your at college it may be to early to think about love. Also I'd say having a crush is a term I never really killed. Its not really a relationship, just an infatuation with someone that hasn't gone past that level.

I'd just ask him what he thinks of you. Just be honest. If hes not into you then move on. I also think its a bad idea to have multiple relationships at once. More so as a christian. You should focus on one person and if that doesn't work out move on to another one. But then again thats just me. I'd also say so many people get hurt because they rush to find someone when that young. Its the peer pressure of the world. And most of these people get hurt in the end. You already said you've been hurt once.

I say this as someone who should have taken other peoples advice and not ignored red flags and not just rushed into things. I ended up losing my virginity with a woman who said she was a christian but never actually showed it at all. I then screwed up with two more women and ignored the flags too. Though I was in my mid 20s at that point.

I do find it very disturbing that he is a volunteer youth pastor and yet plays D&D and has a rape thing as part of his characters back story. If I found out about that with someone at our church I'd be turning them into the pastor. Well the rape thing, not the D&D thing. Though D&D (assuming you mean Dungeons and Dragons) is dangerous in and of itself, just as tarot cards and ouija is. But thats a separate topic.

I'd also suggest you don't date someone based on outside appearances. I do realize not everything you said was based on outside stuff of course, but someone could look like Brad Pitt and still have a fake or deceiving heart inside.

Since you have OCD that means being even more careful. I only have mild OCD but I dwelled like crazy on everything I did and the other person would do when trying to find someone. I wasted so much time that I wish I could have back. Do you have another female friend who you can talk to that can help you out when it comes to dating? Just in case you do miss red flags or are overthinking things? It could help.

Like I said for now I'd mainly focus on college and focusing on God. Not saying you can't date of course, just be prepared and be careful. When the right one for you comes along, you will know it. Which may sound confusing because until you meet the right guy, you will likely feel like every guy you like is the right one. But when its the right one, its a feeling that you will know is different. When my wife came along I felt a way that was beyond words. Something I have never felt before. It made me realize those feelings I had in the past for previous women was not "the right one" feelings but just feelings of a wanting to love/be loved. I'm so glad God let me see what "the right one" feeling was or I'd probably be divorced or dead by now (first woman I was with wanted to kill herslf and me).

 

[Kit Sigmon]

You all be christians and playing a fantasy role playing game that's like
Dungeons and Dragons? but the game you all play is called PathFinder...
I looked it up and from what I could see and read about it, that game is very
much like Dungeons and Dragons.
Nothing there to be playing around with...I'd encourage all of you to get into
reading/studying the Bible and learning to do spiritual warfare for real, so you can STAND firm when the enemy assails.
Form true fellowship that is rooted in the Lord and in The Word of God.

You need The Word so you can defeat the enemy.
No longer clothe yourselves in fantasy/"strange apparel", be clothed in the Lord
Jesus Christ..attend to the calling to be the Lord's Ambassadors who are to
go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the
Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit... it is as the scripture say,
"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

The red flag ain't only the background character of your friend's play avatar...red flag on all (practicing)playing around with occult stuff period...leave it alone so you will not be defiled by it.
Repent of having anything to do with occult/witchcraft.

Invest in making godly friendships and praying for one another & encouraging
one another in the faith.

I like this prayer in Ephesians 3:17-18
“I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love.
And I pray that you and all God’s holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ’s love— how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.”

And the blessing for you...Numbers 6:24-26

"The LORD bless you, and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you;
The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace."

 

[Zatek]

If a guy doesn't ask you out then he just doesn't like you. Women can and should be social and talk to guys and flirt, but asking him out yourself doesn't change the fact that he would have asked you out already if he liked you. Guys obsesses about the opposite. "I asked her out and she didn't respond or she said she's busy, should I ask again?". No, if the girl likes you then she'll say yes when you ask her. If she didn't then she doesn't.

The analogy I like to use is when you go shopping. Maybe you want to make spaghetti sauce and you go to the sauce aisle but there isn't just one sauce, there's 10, 20, 30, maybe more. But even though there are that many, there's probably one or two or three you really like and ever buy. It doesn't mean the others are bad, if they others were bad and didn't sell they'd be pulled and replaced. It just means that other people like the other sauces.

Dating is like that. You meet lots of people but maybe 1 or 2 in 30 is even your type, and even many of those you may not be in the right stage of life or you just don't have similar goals or beliefs or whatever. Focus on being the best you that you can be, and being social and meeting lots of Christian guys your age, and before long you'll meet one you really like and who really likes you.

 

[GB|Boyfriend]

Hello,

I see that you are in a pickle, I suggest reading the bible again.

May god be with you,

T.B

 

[Sketcher]

Well, since you turned him down before, I would say if you want to date him, you should ask him out on a date. Lots of guys aren't that good at taking hints, and if I asked a woman out and she said no, that means I likely misread what I thought were hints before. However, you brought up that one issue of concern with his Pathfinder character. Definitely find out about that before getting serious with him or doing anything with him that might put you at risk. Maybe find out about that over lunch or something before being alone with him.

 

[GraceDaily]

I think as Christians we can take dating too seriously. One date doesn't have to mean an eternity with this person, it's just getting to know them better. You seem to be stressing over this situation before you've even gone on one date. Why not just ask him if he'd like to do something some time and take it from there.

 

[Heartofsilver]

I will be honest and mean nothing personal with this... but are you in maybe your early 20s? If your at college it may be to early to think about love. Also I'd say having a crush is a term I never really killed. Its not really a relationship, just an infatuation with someone that hasn't gone past that level.

I'd just ask him what he thinks of you. Just be honest. If hes not into you then move on. I also think its a bad idea to have multiple relationships at once. More so as a christian. You should focus on one person and if that doesn't work out move on to another one. But then again thats just me. I'd also say so many people get hurt because they rush to find someone when that young. Its the peer pressure of the world. And most of these people get hurt in the end. You already said you've been hurt once.

I say this as someone who should have taken other peoples advice and not ignored red flags and not just rushed into things. I ended up losing my virginity with a woman who said she was a christian but never actually showed it at all. I then screwed up with two more women and ignored the flags too. Though I was in my mid 20s at that point.

I do find it very disturbing that he is a volunteer youth pastor and yet plays D&D and has a rape thing as part of his characters back story. If I found out about that with someone at our church I'd be turning them into the pastor. Well the rape thing, not the D&D thing. Though D&D (assuming you mean Dungeons and Dragons) is dangerous in and of itself, just as tarot cards and ouija is. But thats a separate topic.

I'd also suggest you don't date someone based on outside appearances. I do realize not everything you said was based on outside stuff of course, but someone could look like Brad Pitt and still have a fake or deceiving heart inside.

Since you have OCD that means being even more careful. I only have mild OCD but I dwelled like crazy on everything I did and the other person would do when trying to find someone. I wasted so much time that I wish I could have back. Do you have another female friend who you can talk to that can help you out when it comes to dating? Just in case you do miss red flags or are overthinking things? It could help.

Like I said for now I'd mainly focus on college and focusing on God. Not saying you can't date of course, just be prepared and be careful. When the right one for you comes along, you will know it. Which may sound confusing because until you meet the right guy, you will likely feel like every guy you like is the right one. But when its the right one, its a feeling that you will know is different. When my wife came along I felt a way that was beyond words. Something I have never felt before. It made me realize those feelings I had in the past for previous women was not "the right one" feelings but just feelings of a wanting to love/be loved. I'm so glad God let me see what "the right one" feeling was or I'd probably be divorced or dead by now (first woman I was with wanted to kill herslf and me).

Hello Nothingisimpossible,

I'm actually almost 27, but I act younger than my age. I'm still in college and I have been it in for many years due to my disabilities. Yes, thank you for sobering me with that as well as most of your response. He actually asked me to hang out with him sometime already and I later responded with a yes after getting to know him better. I wasn't trying to say that it's ok to be with multiple people. If you're single, I don't think that it is wrong to go out on dates with multiple people. Yeah, that is true and I have been hurt multiple times by jumping into relationships. Through God I'm trying to learn about going out on dates with Him and using His discernment as well as courting. What happened to you is what happened to me, but with a guy. It is quite unfortunate. I'm really trying to look out for red flags, being clear minded, trying to fight off infatuation, and all of these fantasies. As for the red flag I do see, I definitely want to discuss it with him, because it could be a deal breaker like how I was feeling that it was when I was first meeting him in our Pathfinder group. I am very cautious and particular in how I play Pathfinder, I see it more as an improv storyteller game with quests/adventures. I do believe though that we need prayers for protection due to how others play the game though. I have unfortunately dated a beautiful Christian guy later discovering that he was living a double life. I'm in the same boat now with my OCD, but it's gotten so bad with that and anxiety recently that I'm having to see a therapist. I have started to go to a college group and I do know a few people outside of my main friend's group that he is in that I can talk to. I'm just skeptical to talk about this with my pathfinder friends, because I wouldn't want them to say anything to him about this concerning me. This is exactly what I'm trying to work on now: "Like I said for now I'd mainly focus on college and focusing on God. Not saying you can't date of course, just be prepared and be careful." I'm glad that you shared your testimony with me. I'm spiritually sensitive and maybe I'm not sure what " the right one feeling" is yet, though I have met and like so many guys. Maybe God will reveal the right godly man for me in a similar way that He did for you and your wife. So far, it seems like most of the guys I have gone for was for the reason of wanting to love and beloved. Also, I thought that God had told me through the mind that a couple guys were the one for me before, but it turned out not to be so. So, I also need to pray and see what happens when it comes to testing the spirits. I'm not sure, so far how I'm going to tell the difference, but I guess I won't know much about them unless I hang out with them or date for awhile. I'm sorry that a girl tried killing you and yourself. I'm glad that you are alive and well. I'm praying for that girl.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Well, since you turned him down before, I would say if you want to date him, you should ask him out on a date. Lots of guys aren't that good at taking hints, and if I asked a woman out and she said no, that means I likely misread what I thought were hints before. However, you brought up that one issue of concern with his Pathfinder character. Definitely find out about that before getting serious with him or doing anything with him that might put you at risk. Maybe find out about that over lunch or something before being alone with him.

Well, I told him that I was able to hang out and he told me that he would try to hang out with me last week, but he ended up having to work all weekend. Yeah, most definitely. Because after that part of his story he started talking about how his character's dad dies which could have correlated with the fact that his dad died about a couple years ago in real life. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do if he wasn't sure why he put he implied rape scene in there. I guess I would just have to really keep my eyes open when it comes to anything unusual.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, I told him that I was able to hang out and he told me that he would try to hang out with me last week, but he ended up having to work all weekend. Yeah, most definitely. Because after that part of his story he started talking about how his character's dad dies which could have correlated with the fact that his dad died about a couple years ago in real life. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do if he wasn't sure why he put he implied rape scene in there. I guess I would just have to really keep my eyes open when it comes to anything unusual.

Well, it's up to you to decide whether a date is worth the risk. Stay safe, only be in public with him if you're not certain that he won't harm you.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Well, it's up to you to decide whether a date is worth the risk. Stay safe, only be in public with him if you're not certain that he won't harm you.

Well I'm going to be in public and/or with people either way, since I'm wanting to keep boundaries due to seeking courtship. Since, he used the story as a healthy way of letting things out due to the death of his dad, maybe the rape had something to do with pain that occured from someone he knows who was raped and how it effected him or them. I really can't assume either way. Thank you for your concern.

 

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

Hello everyone,

I keep worrying and obsessing about dating. I keep fantising about guys and am currently doing that with one guy in particular who I have been friends with for about six months now. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I ended up really liking his personality. He is a godly family man (no, he is not married, but he loves children, and treats his family well, so far that I'm seeing), who is trying to live healthy, he is friendly, and funny. I have been in a relationship before where that did happen, but I eventually became physically attracted to them. There are physical traits that I do like about about him such as his hardy laugh and smile. He also has some muscle to him and he is tall. He does have a crush on me and he asked me to hang out with me him about a month or so ago which I said no that I was too busy, because honestly at the time I wasn't interested in him. So, he told me to let him know when I wasn't busy. When some time went by and I said nothing about hanging out sometime he later asked one of our lady friends if she would like to hang out with him sometime as well in front of me. They ended up exchanging phone numbers. Later, though I did keep catching myself thinking about him and didn't want to admit it. I later started wondering if I was starting to become interested in him as our semester went on and I got to know him more, since we do sit next to each other in two classes and I honestly did look at his Facebook page . We also have a pathfinder group which is like D&D, but we are all Christians playing it. He let go of it due to his busy schedule, but he has attended sometimes. I told him recently that I'm able to hang out which he said that he was too busy with work, school, and ministry. He felt bad and apologized, but then he turned around and said that he would try to hang out with me this weekend. He didn't, but that's ok since I know that he has work and school full time as well as his ministry as a volunteer youth pastor. I do think that there may be one red flag that came up about him when he wrote his back story for his pathfinder character he put an implied rape scene in it and it made me uncomfortable, especially since I have been raped before. So, if him and I end up going out on dates I would like to bring that up to him politely and see what he says. I did think it was a strange that he asked our friend out as well in front of me, but I think that maybe by this time he knew I wasn't interested in him at the time. I also want to know how He met Jesus, how He spends time with God, and if he is into courting. I keep worrying that he is going to end up liking the other girl, even though he did ask me to hang out first, but he is a single guy. He is allowed to like multiple girls, like how I like multiple guys. It is good to keep our options open. I also keep worrying that things won't work out between us like, if we don't even get to hang out or have a first date or his answer to his implied rape scene being disturbing, him not wanting to court, losing interest in me, or him thinking I'm a creeper for looking at his Facebook which we are friends on. I also keep telling myself that I don't need to be worrying about this since God knows what He is doing and that He is in control. If he is really interested and if God wants this to go further that it will happen. I keep trying to put this into God's Hands , so that He can take care of it and His Will be done. I have felt from Him that it's fine to date and to go on a date with this guy, but He doesn't want me to obsess over it and unfortunately, that is what I have been doing. The last guy I was interested in this cycle of thinking got me nervous and even more anxious. It may have prevented us from going on a second date, since I needed a little more time and the guy showed me that he wasn't willing to wait it seemed. I keep trying to ask God to help me to keep my thoughts captive when it comes to this, thinking sexual thoughts, and worrying or having obsessive thoughts in general. This is all challenging due to my OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. It keeps my thoughts/worries wheeling in my head and it causes me more anxiety. I keep trying to remind myself that if things don't work out I should count it all Joy, since it will be God's Will, and protecting me from a relationship that shouldn't happen. If it does then I shouldn't worry about it ending then, I should just see where it goes and enjoy the journey. I shouldn't worry about what this guy thinks of me; I keeping catching myself worrying about that as well. I also worry about ignoring red flags, since I have done that in previous relationships, since I have such a strong desire to get married and have children of my own someday, but I need to follow God's Will and be patient. I have been trying to work on my relationship with God also, I'm definitely seeing that this is a time that I need to press deeper into my relationship with Him. I want our relationship to continue to strengthen and grow regardless. I also want to be content with Jesus whether I ever get married or end up single.

Please pray for me and that God's Will be done with all of this. Also, any advice or input is much appreciated. Thank God and thank you all for your Prayers and your help.

Generally, just chill. If you want to be friends with him, focus on that. Usually is not difficult to befriend someone.

Over worrying and such, is simply symptomatic for him or her meaning so much to you.

Human beings all understand such responses right away, even if they have not directly experienced them, or if it has been a long time.