We’ve been married for 20 years. Both 49 with 1 child in school still. She’s clinically obese to The point of being partially disabled( can’t walk more than 10-15 minutes a day). Also has cholesterol of 350+, and recently diagnosed as “pre diabetic”.
But she feels her weight is under control(though she’s gained 50lb in the last 2 years), the amount of red meat she eats - 40+ ounces per week - doesn’t matter (because “her cholesterol is hereditary” ), and her eating sweets and candy also don’t matter (because “the fatty tissue is causing the insulin problems”). The quotes are her rationales.
I lay this this out to highlight the severity of the problem and the depth of the dilemma.
since she can’t really walk, I shop , clean, cook, kid, etc. Part of having her Weight “under control” involves her making menus of what she will eat throughout the week. This involves moderately complex multi ingredient recipies ( some that are rich, some that are light versions of comfort foods,a handful that are truly healthy) that she says she needs “because these are the foods I will eat”. In addition to those, she keeps on hand nutrition-less snacks, sugary sweets, and the occasional bucket of fried chicken.
here’s the kicker - since she can’t really walk to shop or prep food, I shop for and cook everything (as well as clean before and after). According to her, all of this stuff is “on her plan” to lose weight and if I don’t help make it happen then I’m “part of the problem and not the solution”.
it gets deeper in that, of course this plan doesn’t work. There is a decade of evidence to show this. But, when I question the plan, the discussion becomes about how I am “not invested enough” in the plan and that is why the plan isn’t working. These are walkout-level arguments where she has previously left with the kid for the day. (And a few times has ended up going to KFC to cool off - no lie).
When she returns, to keep the peace (and the marriage!?) I pick back up with the plan.
so, the question as the title states: am I enabling or supportive?
And if you have and advice, I am in need of guidance.
FYI:
- she has declined counseling saying this further shows I am not invested in working with her
- I have never commented negatively on her weight (in fact she has lingering resentment because “I never told her she was gaining weight” with the first 100 pounds
- if I offer and/or cook up healthy meals, and she wants something else, she will force herself up, cook what she wants, then blame me for the pain that it causes her and brings this up As further evidence that I am not on board with the plan
But she feels her weight is under control(though she’s gained 50lb in the last 2 years), the amount of red meat she eats - 40+ ounces per week - doesn’t matter (because “her cholesterol is hereditary” ), and her eating sweets and candy also don’t matter (because “the fatty tissue is causing the insulin problems”). The quotes are her rationales.
I lay this this out to highlight the severity of the problem and the depth of the dilemma.
since she can’t really walk, I shop , clean, cook, kid, etc. Part of having her Weight “under control” involves her making menus of what she will eat throughout the week. This involves moderately complex multi ingredient recipies ( some that are rich, some that are light versions of comfort foods,a handful that are truly healthy) that she says she needs “because these are the foods I will eat”. In addition to those, she keeps on hand nutrition-less snacks, sugary sweets, and the occasional bucket of fried chicken.
here’s the kicker - since she can’t really walk to shop or prep food, I shop for and cook everything (as well as clean before and after). According to her, all of this stuff is “on her plan” to lose weight and if I don’t help make it happen then I’m “part of the problem and not the solution”.
it gets deeper in that, of course this plan doesn’t work. There is a decade of evidence to show this. But, when I question the plan, the discussion becomes about how I am “not invested enough” in the plan and that is why the plan isn’t working. These are walkout-level arguments where she has previously left with the kid for the day. (And a few times has ended up going to KFC to cool off - no lie).
When she returns, to keep the peace (and the marriage!?) I pick back up with the plan.
so, the question as the title states: am I enabling or supportive?
And if you have and advice, I am in need of guidance.
FYI:
- she has declined counseling saying this further shows I am not invested in working with her
- I have never commented negatively on her weight (in fact she has lingering resentment because “I never told her she was gaining weight” with the first 100 pounds
- if I offer and/or cook up healthy meals, and she wants something else, she will force herself up, cook what she wants, then blame me for the pain that it causes her and brings this up As further evidence that I am not on board with the plan
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