Nothing seems real anymore

[JESUS=G.O.A.T]

life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real, everything around me is starting to feel surreal. I can feel my heart hardening, I know my conscience is starting to become hardened, and I'm just confused and dazed. Pain doesn't even feel like pain. I've become so evil, aint it funny how I asked God not to make me this way and look at what I have become. I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell. I already tried to give my life to God, but to be honest I'm afraid to give my life because I always mess up and everyone says: "everyone messes up" but it gets annoying. I have so much hate for people, especially my little sister. I say hurtful things and I think it's okay.im becoming like my father who used to abuse me. I don't understand God, I don't know what's true anymore. I thought I was walking in the spirit, and I feel like God is giving me a limited time and I'm just watching the days go by fast. Nothing seems real I just don't get it. I'm in fear I don't feel remorse. I'm becoming so evil. I'm confused why did God do this to me? I mm tired of life but if I commit suicide I don't know where I am going. There for I'm just living. Why is God doing this to me? All he does is condemn me. I'm lazy and fat I guess I'm depressed, I'm going crazy in the head. I'm beginning to act like a child like a mentally ill child.

Keep seeking i'll keep in prayers. But one thing I recommend you trying out is being baptized in JESUS name it will help a lot and wash away those sins. Also seek The power of the Holy spirit and cry out to God. Maybe you weren't walking in spirit but ask God to enable you to walk now seek him. Don't forget to repent as well, repent, baptism, holy Spirit reception.

I'll keep in prayers.

 

[Romansthruphilemon]

Hi,

I think some of your anxiety with God is because you think you are under a performance based system. You think your acceptance with God is based on your performance and that is just not true.

You said "I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell." That statement shows me that someone taught you some very bad doctrine and it stuck. I'm not trying to pick on you when I say this but just trying to change what you believe so you will have peace, and know that you are saved. That statement is backwards - You don't give your life to God to be saved from hell - Jesus gave his life so you don't have to go to hell. All you have to do is trust in him.

Romans 1:16 tells us that the gospel of Christ is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth.

What is the gospel of Christ? It's explained in 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 How that Christ died for our sins, was buried, and rose again.

Ephesians 1:13 and 4:30 tell us that once you hear that gospel (How that Christ died for our sins, was buried, and rose again) and then trust Christ, you are sealed until the day of redemption.

2 Corinthians 5:19 is also a great verse showing that God is not waiting to punish us the next time we mess up. It shows that God is not charging anyone with sin today. To wit, that God was in Christ reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them.

 

[dqhall]

life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real, everything around me is starting to feel surreal. I can feel my heart hardening, I know my conscience is starting to become hardened, and I'm just confused and dazed. Pain doesn't even feel like pain. I've become so evil, aint it funny how I asked God not to make me this way and look at what I have become. I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell. I already tried to give my life to God, but to be honest I'm afraid to give my life because I always mess up and everyone says: "everyone messes up" but it gets annoying. I have so much hate for people, especially my little sister. I say hurtful things and I think it's okay.im becoming like my father who used to abuse me. I don't understand God, I don't know what's true anymore. I thought I was walking in the spirit, and I feel like God is giving me a limited time and I'm just watching the days go by fast. Nothing seems real I just don't get it. I'm in fear I don't feel remorse. I'm becoming so evil. I'm confused why did God do this to me? I mm tired of life but if I commit suicide I don't know where I am going. There for I'm just living. Why is God doing this to me? All he does is condemn me. I'm lazy and fat I guess I'm depressed, I'm going crazy in the head. I'm beginning to act like a child like a mentally ill child.

Violence is not a good way. A better way is to be kind to others and yourself. If you believe you should not kill others, also believe suicide is not an option. Some tried to learn the New Testament to have a better chance. Remembering what Jesus was able to do after following God's guidance is important. With patience a person might learn useful knowledge and skills and become less depressed. You should not fight with your sister, even if you were brought up in a militant family. Anger is wrong. Jesus told his disciples to be as harmless as a dove. Doves do not have hawks' beaks or eagles' talons. They are monogamous not promiscuous. They are primarily vegetarian with some meat such as snails.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

To follow on from my last post, I forgot to mention one very important thing. I now have peace and feel whole as well as joy. Galatians 5:22-23 can be yours if you allow God to do it in you, from the moment I was born again to decades later the fruit of the spirit is still increasing in me.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real, everything around me is starting to feel surreal. I can feel my heart hardening, I know my conscience is starting to become hardened, and I'm just confused and dazed. Pain doesn't even feel like pain. I've become so evil, aint it funny how I asked God not to make me this way and look at what I have become. I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell. I already tried to give my life to God, but to be honest I'm afraid to give my life because I always mess up and everyone says: "everyone messes up" but it gets annoying. I have so much hate for people, especially my little sister. I say hurtful things and I think it's okay.im becoming like my father who used to abuse me. I don't understand God, I don't know what's true anymore. I thought I was walking in the spirit, and I feel like God is giving me a limited time and I'm just watching the days go by fast. Nothing seems real I just don't get it. I'm in fear I don't feel remorse. I'm becoming so evil. I'm confused why did God do this to me? I mm tired of life but if I commit suicide I don't know where I am going. There for I'm just living. Why is God doing this to me? All he does is condemn me. I'm lazy and fat I guess I'm depressed, I'm going crazy in the head. I'm beginning to act like a child like a mentally ill child.

Just looked on this post again and a couple more points to add in response to specific comments in here.

You will become hardened from your experiences. Bottling up and shutting down emotions is a normal response. You have not become evil, you have had a reaction to what you have experienced.

You will feel hate for people because of what you have experienced. Your life experience has taught you to hate others as well as yourself. Its a normal and common reaction.

God didnt do this to you. Your father who is separated from God did. You are having a normal response to it and understanding this is a big step to recovery.

You may well have been walking in the spirit. Look at my previous posts about God bringing buried emotions to the surface to deal with them and going through the valley of the shadow of death. Jesus had to face Satan in the desert.

You can bear what you are going through. Just remember to stay with god and give Him permission to keep healing you. I went through stages like this and worse, but its all part of the healing process. Dont give up on God and He wont give up on you. I try to use my experiences to help other people going through stuff. You're not alone and you're normal. In a fallen world there will always be people who go through this. Break the chain with Gods help rather than be part of it.

 

[JosephJNapoleon]

If this were bone, new bone growth would make the break stronger where it cracked. After that, some process would carve away any bone that wasn't needed making it even stronger and lighter and you'd have all nice new bone.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real, everything around me is starting to feel surreal. I can feel my heart hardening, I know my conscience is starting to become hardened, and I'm just confused and dazed. Pain doesn't even feel like pain. I've become so evil, aint it funny how I asked God not to make me this way and look at what I have become. I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell. I already tried to give my life to God, but to be honest I'm afraid to give my life because I always mess up and everyone says: "everyone messes up" but it gets annoying. I have so much hate for people, especially my little sister. I say hurtful things and I think it's okay.im becoming like my father who used to abuse me. I don't understand God, I don't know what's true anymore. I thought I was walking in the spirit, and I feel like God is giving me a limited time and I'm just watching the days go by fast. Nothing seems real I just don't get it. I'm in fear I don't feel remorse. I'm becoming so evil. I'm confused why did God do this to me? I mm tired of life but if I commit suicide I don't know where I am going. There for I'm just living. Why is God doing this to me? All he does is condemn me. I'm lazy and fat I guess I'm depressed, I'm going crazy in the head. I'm beginning to act like a child like a mentally ill child.

LostChild, I am praying for you.

I agree with @GirdYourLoins

Stay with God and give Him permission to keep healing you. Also, you will do much better if you join a church where the people are doing "love one another" and welcoming to strangers (if they do not, leave and find a church that does show the love of Jesus Christ). Personally, I prefer very small churches where everyone knows each other. My church is like a family of 10 to 15 people.

God can heal your emotions/emotional wounds. God can change your behavior. As @GirdYourLoins said, the healing process will be a gradual process.

 

[Servantleader]

Thank you for sharing. God is with you even in your state of confusion and what appears to be darkness. There is nothing prayer cannot conquer. I am praying for you.

 

[Paidiske]

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On topic, OP, one thing which I found helpful when I was starting my journey of healing was to do some reading on trauma and recovery from it. It helped me to recognise that what I was going through was "normal," and gave me some vocabulary and a framework to understand it. Might that be helpful for you, too?