Not sure where to go from here, LD guy friend of 3 years and serious feelings for him.

[pinkjess]

So I've been talking to a guy I met online for the past three years. We've done video chats, talked on the phone, texted for hours--I really, really like him. He makes me feel safe and understood. He's not perfect, but he has been a really good friend to me these past couple of years. I know you don't really know a person until you meet them, but so far I can say I really like this guy. I thank God He let him be a part of my life because he has helped through a lot of stuff.

We were going to meet this year but COVID kind of ruined our plans. It's just not safe getting on a plane right now in my opinion (I'm in Texas, he is in North Carolina.) He still wants to come visit me sometime in September though. The original plan was he was going to come here for three days and then we both go back to NC and then I come back home.

The problem I am having is, this was never my plan for my life. I always believed God wanted me to be single so I could focus on ministry and helping others. I guess in a way that was something I told myself so I could hide behind my "wall". I had a very skewed view of sexuality and I suppose lumping it all together with the belief I was meant to be celibate helped me not have to deal with it. I didn't have to think about it.

Getting to know this guy and talking to him for three years really opened a Pandora box of feelings and stuff I never knew was inside of me. Like the desire to have a family or, dare I say it, intimacy. All of that stuff was for weak Christians who can't focus on God enough, I always told myself. Stamping the label "celibate" on my forehead made me feel strong and godly. I guess God shattered all of that by bringing this guy into my life, or at least, paving the path I took that led me to him.

I am 28 now. Obviously I am not getting younger. The desire to have a family may very well be my own biological clock ticking. I find myself daydreaming about a domestic life often. It's far separated from the original dream I had for my life; being a street minister and helping homeless people get off the streets. But when I really pick the pieces apart from the latter dream, is that really something God wanted me to do? Was I supposed to do it alone? Would it had been dangerous for me?

I have prayed and asked God to show me what He wants for me. To help me become the person He wants. But I never really see any definite answers show up. All I know right now is, I would really like to meet my friend and see if we have a real connection in real life like we have over the phone. I'm prepared mentally if we don't. I'm not gushing at the thought and being wishy-washy. But if it does go well, what's next? I'm scared I am straying from the path God originally called me to if I continue to pursue a relationship with this guy.

 

[Sketcher]

To clarify, is this a different guy from that other guy that you posted about a while ago?

 

[pinkjess]

To clarify, is this a different guy from that other guy that you posted about a while ago?

This is the same dude from Reddit I posted about in 2018.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I would be very, very cautious about on-line relationships. Sometimes they work out great; a lot of other times, they don’t. Or, you wind up with someone who seemed vastly different online. You’ve fallen for a fantasy, and the real person turns out to be difficult to live with, abusive, or just not who you thought they would be. Just be careful. Do you have a pastor or close Christian friends you can talk to about this?

 

[pinkjess]

I would be very, very cautious about on-line relationships. Sometimes they work out great; a lot of other times, they don’t. Or, you wind up with someone who seemed vastly different online. You’ve fallen for a fantasy, and the real person turns out to be difficult to live with, abusive, or just not who you thought they would be. Just be careful. Do you have a pastor or close Christian friends you can talk to about this?

I know. I definitely am keeping that in mind. That is why he was gonna come visit me first and meet my family so they can feel him out. That way if they pick up things I can't they can tell me.

I do have a few friends I can talk to about this, yes.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I know. I definitely am keeping that in mind. That is why he was gonna come visit me first and meet my family so they can feel him out. That way if they pick up things I can't they can tell me.

I do have a few friends I can talk to about this, yes.

Ok, just be careful. I’ve made the foolish mistake, before I became a Christian, of meeting someone off the internet. It was a disaster. He had apparently been falling in love with an image he’d developed in his head based on forum posts, and I thought I was flying a “just a friend” out to meet me. It could have gone much, much worse, but it didn’t go well. Just be careful.

 

[pinkjess]

Ok, just be careful. I’ve made the foolish mistake, before I became a Christian, of meeting someone off the internet. It was a disaster. He had apparently been falling in love with an image he’d developed in his head based on forum posts, and I thought I was flying a “just a friend” out to meet me. It could have gone much, much worse, but it didn’t go well. Just be careful.

Thank you I am sorry you went through that!

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thank you I am sorry you went through that!

Thanks. Just to clarify; if the guy’s a fellow Christian, or claims to be, proceed with extreme caution, if you proceed at all. If he’s not, just end it. Just be careful. I’m super nervous about women meeting up with guys they met on-line. Please just be careful. If you pick him up from the airport, have someone with you. I would still caution against this at all, though. Just my two cents.

 

[pinkjess]

Thanks. Just to clarify; if the guy’s a fellow Christian, or claims to be, proceed with extreme caution, if you proceed at all. If he’s not, just end it. Just be careful. I’m super nervous about women meeting up with guys they met on-line. Please just be careful. If you pick him up from the airport, have someone with you. I would still caution against this at all, though. Just my two cents.

I will be very careful. <3

 

[bèlla]

Three years is a long time to talk without meeting. By then you’ve developed feelings and the tenure only makes them stronger. I understand you were friends for a period and feelings ensued. The pandemic put a ripple in a lot.

How much dating experience do you both have? And who initiated discussions to meet in person?

~bella

 

[pinkjess]

Three years is a long time to talk without meeting. By then you’ve developed feelings and the tenure only makes them stronger. I understand you were friends for a period and feelings ensued. The pandemic put a ripple in a lot.

How much dating experience do you both have? And who initiated discussions to meet in person?

~bella

We actually have never dated in real life before. He wanted to meet me first.

 

[Aussie Pete]

So I've been talking to a guy I met online for the past three years. We've done video chats, talked on the phone, texted for hours--I really, really like him. He makes me feel safe and understood. He's not perfect, but he has been a really good friend to me these past couple of years. I know you don't really know a person until you meet them, but so far I can say I really like this guy. I thank God He let him be a part of my life because he has helped through a lot of stuff.

We were going to meet this year but COVID kind of ruined our plans. It's just not safe getting on a plane right now in my opinion (I'm in Texas, he is in North Carolina.) He still wants to come visit me sometime in September though. The original plan was he was going to come here for three days and then we both go back to NC and then I come back home.

The problem I am having is, this was never my plan for my life. I always believed God wanted me to be single so I could focus on ministry and helping others. I guess in a way that was something I told myself so I could hide behind my "wall". I had a very skewed view of sexuality and I suppose lumping it all together with the belief I was meant to be celibate helped me not have to deal with it. I didn't have to think about it.

Getting to know this guy and talking to him for three years really opened a Pandora box of feelings and stuff I never knew was inside of me. Like the desire to have a family or, dare I say it, intimacy. All of that stuff was for weak Christians who can't focus on God enough, I always told myself. Stamping the label "celibate" on my forehead made me feel strong and godly. I guess God shattered all of that by bringing this guy into my life, or at least, paving the path I took that led me to him.

I am 28 now. Obviously I am not getting younger. The desire to have a family may very well be my own biological clock ticking. I find myself daydreaming about a domestic life often. It's far separated from the original dream I had for my life; being a street minister and helping homeless people get off the streets. But when I really pick the pieces apart from the latter dream, is that really something God wanted me to do? Was I supposed to do it alone? Would it had been dangerous for me?

I have prayed and asked God to show me what He wants for me. To help me become the person He wants. But I never really see any definite answers show up. All I know right now is, I would really like to meet my friend and see if we have a real connection in real life like we have over the phone. I'm prepared mentally if we don't. I'm not gushing at the thought and being wishy-washy. But if it does go well, what's next? I'm scared I am straying from the path God originally called me to if I continue to pursue a relationship with this guy.

One step at a time. That's all you can do. Trust the Lord to show you. You don't have to decide just yet. We have our plans. God often has something else in mind. I discovered this early in my Christian life. What could be wrong with Bible School? I was desperate to go. God kept closing doors until I quite applying. I'm glad. I've learned far more through experience and a mentor than Bible School could ever give me. God's will is always the best for us.

 

[MikeinSeattle]

I had a very skewed view of sexuality and I suppose lumping it all together with the belief I was meant to be celibate helped me not have to deal with it. I didn't have to think about it.

Getting to know this guy and talking to him for three years really opened a Pandora box of feelings and stuff I never knew was inside of me. Like the desire to have a family or, dare I say it, intimacy.

I think your view of sexuality is far more skewed then you realize. And this is a real concern if your going to be married. A husband needs a wife to satisfy him sexually and if she doesnt he will be mentally debilitated by it at the very very least and far more likely he will become bitter and eventually leave you. If you think that sex is in any way subpar to the "high calling of God" that you speak about then your view of sex needs to be brought into alignment with what the scriptures teach about it. I would encourage you to do a bible study and seek out everything the bible says about sex. Especially in the New Testament. Dont read books about it read the bible.

 

[Lost4words]

Be very very careful. So many horror stories abound about internet dating etc

God bless and protect you.

 

[bèlla]

We actually have never dated in real life before. He wanted to meet me first.

Thank you for clarifying.

This isn't about him alone. The bigger issue is your mindset and previous stance on relationships and intimacy. While you've stated a change of heart and acknowledged your connection. It must be solidified. You can't know at a distance.

Whether it's him or another. You must stand in his presence to gauge your response. Are you open or closed? Emotional or calm? Nervous or scared? Physically attracted or not?

You have to answer the question. So does he. Chemistry doesn't always transfer. You can be attracted to someone at a distance or the idea of them and experience the opposite in person. That's the risk.

In the meantime, remain in prayer. I suggest a mutual read on Christian dating. I highly recommend Outdated by Jonathan Pokluda. He addresses today's culture, what you'll encounter, and how to relate ethically with God in mind. You'll be mutually edified by the book no matter what.

For transparency's sake, I've met people from the Internet. Men and women. My best friend is on the site. We met 18 years ago in a chat room. I spoke about it here and she did too.

God brought us together. The love is grand. I met a special gentleman a well. It can happen if He wills it.

~bella

 

[turkle]

As I recall, you have described this person as moody and unstable in the past. You have initiated contact, then broken it off several times. Why the on again off again relationship? I seem to remember that you have blocked him at least once. What led to that decision?

Now you are planning to meet him. Actually, I think it's a good idea. You will finally know if this is a relationship worth pursuing. But as others have said, proceed with caution. You have never dated before, and I think you've said he hasn't either. It is easy to grab onto the first one available without being wisely discerning about character when you are obsessed as you appear to be.

Please meet only in public places. There is a young woman that I am close to who went on a date with someone she met online and was foolish enough to be alone with him. She was convinced she knew what she was doing. He drugged and raped her. Don't place yourself in that position.

Also, it's one thing that he comes to see you. But I advise against going to his state. At least not yet. You really need to get face to face on your own turf (in public!) before you allow yourself to be vulnerable on his.

Please be wise. I know too many young women who weren't wise and were harmed, like the one mentioned above, or jumped into a bad relationship because they thought it was their only chance at love. Don't add to that statistic.

 

[com7fy8]

We've done video chats, talked on the phone, texted for hours

So, you have seen him.

I thank God He let him be a part of my life because he has helped through a lot of stuff.

If he has helped you to get out of pain things, this can be very convincing.

But how are you two doing with relating with other Christians as family?

Do you have mature Christian examples . . . seniors and married couples who have done well in their marriages and bringing up their children? Do you share with such people, so you can find out how to love and how to share in marriage . . . not just reading the Bible and books, I would say? There are people to read, in real life, and read their lives

If you two are pretty much isolated, instead, maybe using one another as a pain escape . . . I would not keep feeding this. But yes you can grow with one another, and discover how God has us loving and becoming intimate; in God's way of relating we have what is deeper and so better than physical intimacy > Psalm 63:3. So, in order to discover how to share with God and one another in true intimacy, we need to find out how to relate the way God's word says, including >

"without complaining and disputing" > in Philippians 2:13-16 >

"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" > James 1:19-20 >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

And this is in our Father's family caring and sharing love, not to be found only with some one favorite in isolation!

"learn from Me," Jesus says > in Matthew 11:28-30 > we all need to keep learning how to love . . . not only fall into something, but grow in love!

 

[Brenda Blakely]

So I've been talking to a guy I met online for the past three years. We've done video chats, talked on the phone, texted for hours--I really, really like him. He makes me feel safe and understood. He's not perfect, but he has been a really good friend to me these past couple of years. I know you don't really know a person until you meet them, but so far I can say I really like this guy. I thank God He let him be a part of my life because he has helped through a lot of stuff.

We were going to meet this year but COVID kind of ruined our plans. It's just not safe getting on a plane right now in my opinion (I'm in Texas, he is in North Carolina.) He still wants to come visit me sometime in September though. The original plan was he was going to come here for three days and then we both go back to NC and then I come back home.

The problem I am having is, this was never my plan for my life. I always believed God wanted me to be single so I could focus on ministry and helping others. I guess in a way that was something I told myself so I could hide behind my "wall". I had a very skewed view of sexuality and I suppose lumping it all together with the belief I was meant to be celibate helped me not have to deal with it. I didn't have to think about it.

Getting to know this guy and talking to him for three years really opened a Pandora box of feelings and stuff I never knew was inside of me. Like the desire to have a family or, dare I say it, intimacy. All of that stuff was for weak Christians who can't focus on God enough, I always told myself. Stamping the label "celibate" on my forehead made me feel strong and godly. I guess God shattered all of that by bringing this guy into my life, or at least, paving the path I took that led me to him.

I am 28 now. Obviously I am not getting younger. The desire to have a family may very well be my own biological clock ticking. I find myself daydreaming about a domestic life often. It's far separated from the original dream I had for my life; being a street minister and helping homeless people get off the streets. But when I really pick the pieces apart from the latter dream, is that really something God wanted me to do? Was I supposed to do it alone? Would it had been dangerous for me?

I have prayed and asked God to show me what He wants for me. To help me become the person He wants. But I never really see any definite answers show up. All I know right now is, I would really like to meet my friend and see if we have a real connection in real life like we have over the phone. I'm prepared mentally if we don't. I'm not gushing at the thought and being wishy-washy. But if it does go well, what's next? I'm scared I am straying from the path God originally called me to if I continue to pursue a relationship with this guy.

Dear pinkjess,

Sounds like you are beginning to realize that our lives are divided in seasons. What is good for one season may not be what is best for another. God grows us thru the experiences in our lives to help prepare us for the next. It also sounds like you may need to work thru some issues that could cloud your judgement. Sometimes for me I need a time of Bible study, worship and even regular partaking of preparing and taking communion. All the while this should be covered in prayer and listening for God’s answer. These weapons help us to be ready to hear and see God’s plan more clearly. It always helps to have prayer partners and friends that will reject or confirm God’s plan. ”Being wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove “come thru continual communication and relationship with our heavenly Father. The advice in other posts to be careful and keep your guard up is good advice. When he comes to you make sure those around you are aware and that they meet him and give him the impression that they have your best interests in mind. I personally think it might be wise to do the “he comes” and then wait sometime before you do the “you go.” You might want someone else to accompany you when you do the “you go.” It will also be important to see how he reacts to your relationship to God and how it affects your life. Meeting at a church is always a good thing especially if you alert the pastor as to what is going on. I prayed for you. God bless you.

 

[1watchman]

So I've been talking to a guy I met online for the past three years. We've done video chats, talked on the phone, texted for hours--I really, really like him. He makes me feel safe and understood. He's not perfect, but he has been a really good friend to me these past couple of years. I know you don't really know a person until you meet them, but so far I can say I really like this guy. I thank God He let him be a part of my life because he has helped through a lot of stuff.

We were going to meet this year but COVID kind of ruined our plans. It's just not safe getting on a plane right now in my opinion (I'm in Texas, he is in North Carolina.) He still wants to come visit me sometime in September though. The original plan was he was going to come here for three days and then we both go back to NC and then I come back home.

The problem I am having is, this was never my plan for my life. I always believed God wanted me to be single so I could focus on ministry and helping others. I guess in a way that was something I told myself so I could hide behind my "wall". I had a very skewed view of sexuality and I suppose lumping it all together with the belief I was meant to be celibate helped me not have to deal with it. I didn't have to think about it.

Getting to know this guy and talking to him for three years really opened a Pandora box of feelings and stuff I never knew was inside of me. Like the desire to have a family or, dare I say it, intimacy. All of that stuff was for weak Christians who can't focus on God enough, I always told myself. Stamping the label "celibate" on my forehead made me feel strong and godly. I guess God shattered all of that by bringing this guy into my life, or at least, paving the path I took that led me to him.

I am 28 now. Obviously I am not getting younger. The desire to have a family may very well be my own biological clock ticking. I find myself daydreaming about a domestic life often. It's far separated from the original dream I had for my life; being a street minister and helping homeless people get off the streets. But when I really pick the pieces apart from the latter dream, is that really something God wanted me to do? Was I supposed to do it alone? Would it had been dangerous for me?

I have prayed and asked God to show me what He wants for me. To help me become the person He wants. But I never really see any definite answers show up. All I know right now is, I would really like to meet my friend and see if we have a real connection in real life like we have over the phone. I'm prepared mentally if we don't. I'm not gushing at the thought and being wishy-washy. But if it does go well, what's next? I'm scared I am straying from the path God originally called me to if I continue to pursue a relationship with this guy.

Much counsel has been shared with you, and most seems sound: BE CAREFUL, AND KNOW the man is a "born again" believer in Jesus Christ as Savior --as John 3:16 (not just a professing Christian). What is a 'LD guy' as you say? One who has professed and determined to be 'celibate' needs to think about marriage; and from what you say, your life and desires for children and family is good, but marriage must be a trusting and loving relationship, so BE CAREFUL about marriage with one you truly do not know. Talk to him about his life and family, and what he thinks of Jesus Christ, and what the Bible teaches in such as John 3; John 14; Acts 4:12; Romans 8; etc. One needs a relationship with Jesus as one's Savior (and 'best Friend') ---which should be the beginning of our choices in life.

 

[Lain Iwakura]

I've met people from online before. Sometimes it's worked out great, sometimes not - but I'm a male with the experience to mitigate risks. I would suggest any female to bring a close friend or family member.

Meet in neutral territory, populated, but not crowded.

And always, always, let people know where you are going, what for, and keep them updated.