not sure what to do about a guy I'm seeing

ryewolf

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I (29F) have been seeing someone (30M) for a few months now, and I'm just not sure about him. I'm going to be very candid and honest here and I'm going to sound shallow, so please bear with me.

I look first and foremost for Christian men, and the type of Christian who actively lives out their faith. This guy seems to play that part and wants a relationship centered around Christ which is super important. He is genuinely a very kind, thoughtful, nice guy. We share a lot of the same values.

My issue is in regards to more "shallow" things. I am a well educated woman making 6 six figures. I worked very hard to get to where I am, and find that I relate better with other ambitious and driven people. This guy did not finish a college degree and frequently complains about not having money. He has also never lived on his own (still lives with his parents) and routinely sleeps until noon on his days off which tbh is a huge turn off to me, again relating to the ambition thing. It seems lazy. He does have a job, but I haven't asked if he contributes to rent or bills. Because of the money thing, I find myself shying away from dates that will cost money because it's awkward when he is always commenting on how expensive things are.

I am struggling here because I want to look at the heart as God does, but I also know that just because a guy is a strong Christian man does not mean I'm compatible with him. If that were the case, I would be "compatible" with every single Christian guy.

So is it okay to look to those more "shallow" things? Is it okay to want a man who can contribute equally to finances in marriage (or at least somewhat equally)? Is it okay to want a man who had the drive to finish a college degree? Is it okay to want a man who rises early to get a jump start on the day? Or do I need to look past those things and just look at the heart?
 

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I wouldn't look past these kinds of things. They can become huge issues later on.

Things like prudence, hard work, dilligence, etc. are virtues (habits) a Christian should develop along with being kind, thoughtful, and nice. Don't disregard your intuition about these things.
 
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OldWiseGuy

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Usually what you see is what you get. Can you see yourself 'submitting' to this guy (in some biblical sense)? Underemployed and living at home at 30? Don't walk away...run.

"Marry in haste, repent in leisure." :eek:
 
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As an atheist, I can't exactly give spiritual advice. As for your concerns on a tangible level, though, I'd say those are less "shallow" concerns and are more what I would consider red flags.

It seems like he's very dependant. At 30, that's kind of late in life to be so dependant; especially with no signs that he wants to change. Drive isn't just about material wealth, but it's also a sign of psychological health and maturity. Without that, the relationship becomes very one sided...

My sister ended up marrying a dependant man, and she ended up having to take charge of her family. They have 4 kids together. He couldn't keep a steady job, and my sister said it felt like raising 5 kids by herself. Thankfully, they aren't together anymore, though he has yet to pay for child support even once.

Nothing wrong with wanting to have a spouse who at least demonstrates that they are trying to meet you half way. No one is perfect, but they at least need to try to better themselves; it shows that they are actually invested and care about what happens in the future.
 
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I (29F) have been seeing someone (30M) for a few months now, and I'm just not sure about him. I'm going to be very candid and honest here and I'm going to sound shallow, so please bear with me.

I look first and foremost for Christian men, and the type of Christian who actively lives out their faith. This guy seems to play that part and wants a relationship centered around Christ which is super important. He is genuinely a very kind, thoughtful, nice guy. We share a lot of the same values.

My issue is in regards to more "shallow" things. I am a well educated woman making 6 six figures. I worked very hard to get to where I am, and find that I relate better with other ambitious and driven people. This guy did not finish a college degree and frequently complains about not having money. He has also never lived on his own (still lives with his parents) and routinely sleeps until noon on his days off which tbh is a huge turn off to me, again relating to the ambition thing. It seems lazy. He does have a job, but I haven't asked if he contributes to rent or bills. Because of the money thing, I find myself shying away from dates that will cost money because it's awkward when he is always commenting on how expensive things are.

I am struggling here because I want to look at the heart as God does, but I also know that just because a guy is a strong Christian man does not mean I'm compatible with him. If that were the case, I would be "compatible" with every single Christian guy.

So is it okay to look to those more "shallow" things? Is it okay to want a man who can contribute equally to finances in marriage (or at least somewhat equally)? Is it okay to want a man who had the drive to finish a college degree? Is it okay to want a man who rises early to get a jump start on the day? Or do I need to look past those things and just look at the heart?
My mom put it like this- " if there is any doubt, there is no doubt."
 
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bèlla

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Your maturity and personal drive are at odds. You’ll bear the brunt of responsibility in the relationship and grow to resent it. If you can’t imagine a future with him as-is; leave him alone. He may never change.

Some men want caretaker/breadwinner relationships where they’re the recipient. If you don’t see yourself doing that without complaint you’re incompatible.

Yours in His Service,

~bella
 
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ReesePiece23

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Well this is easy...

It wouldn't be fair on either of you to pursue this any further. You live in the fast lane (good on you by the way, and congratulations for making it happen) while he plods in the slower lane - which, is fair enough if he's happy.

The problem you have, is that in order to meet in the middle, YOU are going to have to drop back to third gear, and he's going to have to climb to it from neutral - and rather steeply too.

Do NOT compromise yourself. You've worked WAY too hard for that. It's a case of "thanks, but no thanks - but I wish you well" on this occasion.
 
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ryewolf

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I wouldn't look past these kinds of things. They can become huge issues later on.

Things like prudence, hard work, dilligence, etc. are virtues (habits) a Christian should develop along with being kind, thoughtful, and nice. Don't disregard your intuition about these things.

Thank you!
 
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ryewolf

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Usually what you see is what you get. Can you see yourself 'submitting' to this guy (in some biblical sense)? Underemployed and living at home at 30? Don't walk away...run.

"Marry in haste, repent in leisure." :eek:

I do not see him as a man who could lead me, I feel like I'm the one leading :/
 
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ryewolf

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Well this is easy...

It wouldn't be fair on either of you to pursue this any further. You live in the fast lane (good on you by the way, and congratulations for making it happen) while he plods in the slower lane - which, is fair enough if he's happy.

The problem you have, is that in order to meet in the middle, YOU are going to have to drop back to third gear, and he's going to have to climb to it from neutral - and rather steeply too.

Do NOT compromise yourself. You've worked WAY too hard for that. It's a case of "thanks, but no thanks - but I wish you well" on this occasion.

Thank you - this is well put. I think I know what to do but am just not sure how to talk to him about these things without completely ruining his self-esteem, but I don't want to just tell him it's over without any explanation. Thoughts on how to go about it?
 
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ReesePiece23

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Thank you - this is well put. I think I know what to do but am just not sure how to talk to him about these things without completely ruining his self-esteem, but I don't want to just tell him it's over without any explanation. Thoughts on how to go about it?

To be honest, I think your explanation is perfectly valid.

As far as self esteem goes, he needs to remember that it is absolutely NOT his fault that you're two completely different people. And you can basically tell him what I told you: he shouldn't have to change who he is for anyone.

It really doesn't pay to belittle who he is - I know it's tempting when we have different ideals, but it really DOES take all sorts of people to make a world. Without the placid folk, the ambitious folk wouldn't have a demographic to cater to. Nor would we have volunteers and care givers (do you think a nurse works for £9 an hour for the money?)

When having 'the chat' focus on his strengths - as well as his possible life direction, and then compare them to your strengths and your life direction to illustrate the difference. Don't be negative, empower him to be *his* best version. Not your best version.
 
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OldWiseGuy

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Thank you! I can be honest in the fact that I don't feel like I respect him. He doesn't seem like a responsible, grown man who could be a spiritual leader and leader of a household. I am just not sure how to talk to him about these things without completely ruining his self-esteem, but I don't want to just tell him it's over without any explanation. Thoughts on how to go about it?

I suggest a letter to him. You can compose your thoughts without the often emotional confrontation/confusion that both of you may feel. Also he can't argue with a letter. Send it, handwritten, at least several days before you will see him again (which I assume is in church). Tell him not to call you, but to reflect on what you've said in the letter. This will allow his anger, and your guilt, or other sensitized feelings, to subside.

It also may be helpful if you and he have a mutual friend that might be able to 'explain' to him some of the reasons for the breakup. On the bright side a breakup might actually be met with great relief by him as he might realize that he is in over his head with you. Good luck.
 
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Sophrosyne

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They say opposites attract but in reality relationships between polar opposites end up often in destruction as there can be little common ground to support them. If you are a hard charging person a lazy sloth isn't going to be able to be "beside" you and as a Christian the man is typically supposed to be the leader and a woman that is forced to be the leader vs the man or even a shared leadership (which I find optimal) makes for the better wedding. People in life can be battered so hard by circumstances that they want to succeed but their support framework in inadquate to encourage them to that goal and often it takes a lot for someone that has had setback after setback to get going again some even give up in the end in frustration. The problem is even those these people can often be very loving caring and supporting they also can be a drag on a relationship because they always "need" and have limited resources to "give".
We all want someone like us to marry or someone that is like the "us" we want to be or someone that you can look up to in some ways and a relationship where one or both don't "look up to" or have admiration of sorts for the other are bound to have issues that over time will lead to dwindling respect of the other till there is no love left.
I think you need someone that is hard working not necessarily rich or makes a lot or more money than you but someone that knows what they want and sets goals and new goals and makes noticeable progress in life instead of kicking back and taking it easy in life. IMO when a woman wants a family (children) and is a Christian she typically wants to have a husband that can take up the slack enough that she can devote more time for the children and less time to support the family and it appears that you may be forced to be the head of the family with this guy and most males are designed by God IMO to be the leader of the family to strive to support and protect them even if they aren't the major breadwinner they want to be seen as the defender and champion of the family an unselfish sort of title role and when you have a man that wants nothing to do with that role it dimishes the womans desire that God built into her to support a man and her children/family standing behind him and strengthening him to that role as the defender. This doesn't mean she also cannot be defender and champion but most women enjoy attention from their "knight in shining armor" vs attention from the court jester.
 
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I (29F) have been seeing someone (30M) for a few months now, and I'm just not sure about him. I'm going to be very candid and honest here and I'm going to sound shallow, so please bear with me.

I look first and foremost for Christian men, and the type of Christian who actively lives out their faith. This guy seems to play that part and wants a relationship centered around Christ which is super important. He is genuinely a very kind, thoughtful, nice guy. We share a lot of the same values.

My issue is in regards to more "shallow" things. I am a well educated woman making 6 six figures. I worked very hard to get to where I am, and find that I relate better with other ambitious and driven people. This guy did not finish a college degree and frequently complains about not having money. He has also never lived on his own (still lives with his parents) and routinely sleeps until noon on his days off which tbh is a huge turn off to me, again relating to the ambition thing. It seems lazy. He does have a job, but I haven't asked if he contributes to rent or bills. Because of the money thing, I find myself shying away from dates that will cost money because it's awkward when he is always commenting on how expensive things are.

I am struggling here because I want to look at the heart as God does, but I also know that just because a guy is a strong Christian man does not mean I'm compatible with him. If that were the case, I would be "compatible" with every single Christian guy.

So is it okay to look to those more "shallow" things? Is it okay to want a man who can contribute equally to finances in marriage (or at least somewhat equally)? Is it okay to want a man who had the drive to finish a college degree? Is it okay to want a man who rises early to get a jump start on the day? Or do I need to look past those things and just look at the heart?

I think that people who are in a relationship should try as much as possible to make major decisions together even if one of them is capable of making the decision on their own because it shows respect and there is a chance that they can make a better decision together. So I don't think that it is good when one person in a relationship thinks that everything is fine and then is broken up with out of nowhere because the other has been stewing over a problem, which leaves the first person struggling to accept what the other has already decided without having a chance to give input or to try to resolve the problem.

I think that it would be much better to sit down with him and have a conversation with him along the lines of listing problems with your relationship that I leading you to consider withdrawing from the relationship, explaining why you consider them to be bring problems, explaining steps that he could take to resolve those problems, and explaining what will happen if he does not resolve those problems, then leave the ball in his court. For example, say that you want to respect him, but when he sleeps in until noon, then that makes it difficult for you to respect him, and what would make it easy for you to respect him would be if he stuck to a routine. We're perfectly capable of making all sort of changes, we just need to have the right motivation, and a relationship can be a powerful motivation. If he makes changes, then that is good, but if he doesn't, then at least he has a clear understanding of why the relationship ended, it is not coming out of nowhere, and it ended because of the choices that he made.

On a different note, ambition is a trait that ranks fairly high in what women tend to find attractive in men, so there is nothing shallow about that, however, that is more of a masculine trait which does rank nearly as high in regard to traits that men tend to find attractive in women. For example, someone living with their parents is far less attractive for men than for women. Men are expected to be and tend to want to be providers, so the amount of success that a woman has had in her career is not as important to a man who wants a traditional marriage next to traits like her youth, fertility, and loyalty.

Women also tend to want to look for a man who makes around the same income level or higher, so if that is what you are looking for, and you make six figures, then that is going greatly limit your pool of potential spouses. About 13% of the men in the US make over six figures and that is going to further reduced by other requirements like being a Christian, being in your age range, being physically attractive to you, and other requirements that you might have. This is also the percentage of men for which there is the most competition among women, and for which there is the least incentive to settle down. Marriage is often a raw deal for men who make a lot of money men if it doesn't last. Furthermore, people who make six figures don't have as much time to spend with their family. If you overvalue your ambition, then that can unlikely that you will find a good marriage, either by aiming for a group of men who are unlikely to settle down or by causing you to lose respect for the vast majority of men with average jobs that make less than you do, many of whom would otherwise make good spouses.

However, there is a wide range of ambition between the man you are dating and those who make six figures, so while it sounds like he could us more ambition and might not be ready for marriage, that doesn't mean that that can't change.
 
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