Not sure if I'm suffering from DID

[dms1972]

For a long time now (years) I haven't really felt myself, and I don't know exactly what is behind it all. I feel like a hypocrite and inauthentic most of the time. Its like I have lost myself. Many years ago I experienced something like a dissociative fugue state during which I wasn't able to tell people my correct name, this lasted a couple of days - I seemed to be helped during this time by someone who had mental health training (I think he was a christian) - who asked me to come back and see him until I was clear about my identity.

I had a couple of falls earlier in life when my head hit hard ground, and I felt pretty shattered following these.

The biggest difficulty for me currently is with faith and believing (always seems to have been). I tend to 'intellectualise' the act of faith, and want to understand it in great detail. And to be honest I am not sure what I believe.

I am not sure what the answer is or who to talk to about it. Many counsellors are secular/humanist and I think my difficulties have spiritual aspect...however I haven't always got on great with some Christian counsellors either.

My doctor put me on a med for anxiety/depression years ago, and more recently I have been on Quetipine. But there doesn't seem any clear diagnosis, and all I have been told by the mental health staff is that I just seem to be a 'nervous person'.

I have a question about what was probably the first time I seemed to get a grasp of the gospel. It was for me a very unsettling experience, it had a 'seeing' aspect, but I didn't go through with the response of faith. It doesn't seem possible to have an opportunity like that again, and I wonder were that leaves me, does it constitute an incomplete conversion at some level of my unconscious? Do we get other opportunities?

 

[Job3315]

For a long time now (years) I haven't really felt myself, and I don't know exactly what is behind it all. I feel like a hypocrite and inauthentic most of the time. Its like I have lost myself. Many years ago I experienced something like a dissociative fugue state during which I wasn't able to tell people my correct name, this lasted a couple of days - I seemed to be helped during this time by someone who had mental health training (I think he was a christian) - who asked me to come back and see him until I was clear about my identity.

I had a couple of falls earlier in life when my head hit hard ground, and I felt pretty shattered following these.

The biggest difficulty for me currently is with faith and believing (always seems to have been). I tend to 'intellectualise' the act of faith, and want to understand it in great detail. And to be honest I am not sure what I believe.

I am not sure what the answer is or who to talk to about it. Many counsellors are secular/humanist and I think my difficulties have spiritual aspect...however I haven't always got on great with some Christian counsellors either.

My doctor put me on a med for anxiety/depression years ago, and more recently I have been on Quetipine. But there doesn't seem any clear diagnosis, and all I have been told by the mental health staff is that I just seem to be a 'nervous person'.

I have a question about what was probably the first time I seemed to get a grasp of the gospel. It was for me a very unsettling experience, it had a 'seeing' aspect, but I didn't go through with the response of faith. It doesn't seem possible to have an opportunity like that again, and I wonder were that leaves me, does it constitute an incomplete conversion at some level of my unconscious? Do we get other opportunities?

For a long time now (years) I haven't really felt myself, and I don't know exactly what is behind it all. I feel like a hypocrite and inauthentic most of the time. Its like I have lost myself. Many years ago I experienced something like a dissociative fugue state during which I wasn't able to tell people my correct name, this lasted a couple of days - I seemed to be helped during this time by someone who had mental health training (I think he was a christian) - who asked me to come back and see him until I was clear about my identity.

I had a couple of falls earlier in life when my head hit hard ground, and I felt pretty shattered following these.

The biggest difficulty for me currently is with faith and believing (always seems to have been). I tend to 'intellectualise' the act of faith, and want to understand it in great detail. And to be honest I am not sure what I believe.

I am not sure what the answer is or who to talk to about it. Many counsellors are secular/humanist and I think my difficulties have spiritual aspect...however I haven't always got on great with some Christian counsellors either.

My doctor put me on a med for anxiety/depression years ago, and more recently I have been on Quetipine. But there doesn't seem any clear diagnosis, and all I have been told by the mental health staff is that I just seem to be a 'nervous person'.

I have a question about what was probably the first time I seemed to get a grasp of the gospel. It was for me a very unsettling experience, it had a 'seeing' aspect, but I didn't go through with the response of faith. It doesn't seem possible to have an opportunity like that again, and I wonder were that leaves me, does it constitute an incomplete conversion at some level of my unconscious? Do we get other opportunities?

One thing I always keep in mind is: Not everything is spiritual and not everything is physical. Sometimes we pray, sometimes we pray and go to doctor.

It’s important that you cover all your bases. Something as insignficant as a mineral or vitamin deficiency can cause the body and mind to get out of orbit, causing nervousness and anxiety. Add that to the gift of discernment and you get a bomb. It feels like your body, soul and soirit are not aligned causing a dissociative state. It is awful =(

In my experience, God is talking to us all the time, we are just not listening or understanding what He is saying. Also, what we call “supernatural encounters” were always supposed to be natural to us. Just remember that because He is not responding as you expect doesn't mean He is not responding at all. So, yes, you will get more opportunities because it is our birthright as children of God, in fact, you might be getting them but missing them, but it’s ok, thats what I love about God; His constant pursuit. It happened to me for years since I was always having dreams as a child, but people would say my dreams didn't have any meaning. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized He was talking all the time, I just didn’t know that was His language with me.

 

[Southernscotty]

Friend it seems that everyone is being hit with doubt here lately and I think it is purely spiritual warfare going on. Eph 6 10-18 Says be prayed up with the spiritual armor on. I suggest you read scripture until you are built up and grounded in the Word and know that we have a God that was tempted in all ways that we are Heb 4:15 :]

 

[dms1972]

The trouble is its worse than doubt with me, it may have been doubt years ago, but I think it passed into unbelief, and I don't really see a way out, its more complicated than I think I could explain. I don't know if I ever really believed to be honest.

 

[Hope37]

I think it depends what sort of person you are, what language God speaks in. Some people 'get it' using reason and head-knowledge and believing comes naturally. For others it may be more a question of understanding at gut level .I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself . if there's something you are yet to understand, God will pick his moment. But he won't leave you lacking. It's not up to us, he gifts us with what we need when we need it. Believing and trusting are both really hard when you're traumatised. God isn't the sort of God who expects us to give him the perfect textbook response. Give him the real one even if it's 'i feel inadequate in faith'. Jesus helped the man who offered his unbelief as well as his belief, without judging him. Salvation is about knowing God, not having a set amount of faith to get you saved! That would be the wrong way round. Also if you're not fully in touch with yourself you may not be connected to the bit of you for whom things feel real.

 

[dms1972]

Thankyou for trying to help. I think your last sentence says it. I agree there are differences in people. In my case I tend to over-intellectualise however. A counsellor once said to me that I seem to live in my head. I am always reading trying to regain an intellectual picture of the world. I tell myself at times just to stop thinking - 'reality' is greater than can be contained in propositions someone once said. I suspect my intellectualising is sometimes a defense.

But its hard to believe also - for I find a quite secular mindset in myself. Even things that years ago I would have been against morally - I find myself struggling with now, unsure of were I stand, no longer having the same conviction I used to have and that troubles me.

I make attempts at finding a church but I can't stand the curiosity some people exhibit to newcomers (and all the getting to know you), or on the other when no one speaks. It's not as simple as I am a newcomer / seeker, or mature Christian - I want to find a church because though I don't really believe much at all, I think it would be in that setting I might return to faith. But as I am at times I often can't stand the church experience.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I had the habit of scrupulously over-thinking theology. To the point where it nearly destroyed my faith. Love is where it starts. God loves you. Talk to Him. Use your own words. Draw near to Him and ask for help overcoming sin. Commit to following Christ. It will begin to come back. I've struggled with something similar. It was awful, but coming out of it is possible.

 

[Hope37]

I overthink things too. And I also think with me it's a defence mechanism! It's not a great way of getting to know God. I do best if I try and take his love as my baseline and relate to him from there as honestly as I can.

For me the most helpful sort of church is Anglican in the UK, this is a bit like your Episcopal church in the US I think although I'm not sure. This is because symbolism is used in worship not just words and ideas so it can reach other parts of you not just the overthinking mind. and music is gentle not loud. People tend to be accepting without being too full on and you feel you belong without having people know too much about you. We're all different though with where we feel most comfortable. Although I still think like an evangelical a lot of the time I found I couldn't really cope in an evangelical church setting full-time after trauma and a bad breakdown, it felt too much.

I wouldn't worry too much about where you stand on different moral issues. When you feel more in touch with yourself I think things will feel clearer. till then try and go by love and even if you can't trust much ask God to protect you from harmful situations.

And look after your trauma stuff! it's amazing how awful and disconnected you feel with trauma symptoms going on. As you heal a lot of stuff will be easier and fall into place

 

[dms1972]

Thanks again for replies.

I had been going to a Church of Ireland for a while, but I was being asked if I hadn't been there for a few weeks: "were you sick?". I find this annoying, as if I have to be there every week especially as I am still looking for a church to settle in. Other times I have found the opposite to be the case, if you rise a bit above the spiritual room temperature in some churches you can find yourself attacked by the other christians. Maybe I am too individualistic in my approach to faith, and not corporate enough?? I don't know. I am influenced a fair bit by Kierrkegarrd, and his approach to faith was quite individualistic. But I just find it hard to fit in.

I am trying to find a counsellor, but its difficult because I am suspicious somewhat of them and their approaches - I am not unknowledgable or uncritical about psychology and so I feel I need to know about the theoretical underpinnings of any counsellor, and sometimes they don't want to answer questions about that. I have just written to one and asked specifically about that and am waiting to see if I get a reply and what she says. I want to know what theorists they are informed by because some of these theorists are quite wrong in their understanding of persons.

I have had to attend a mental health unit in the past and those I have spoken too don't even seem to recognise if I have dissociative symptoms, or post traumatic symptoms - its unbelievable I wonder how competent some are (its all tick box, and if you don't line up clearly with some particular disorder well then they are lost - your just a 'nervous person'. But maybe its that I have developed a way of coping that mimics normality so well they cannot see past it?

 

[Southernscotty]

Friend it seems that everyone is being hit with doubt here lately and I think it is purely spiritual warfare going on. Eph 6 10-18 Says be prayed up with the spiritual armor on. I suggest you read scripture until you are built up and grounded in the Word and know that we have a God that was tempted in all ways that we are Heb 4:15 :]

Someone advised me that I should not have posted anything about spiritual warfare in this section so I am sorry if I offended anyone. I only had the best intentions in mind and didn't realize the rules so forgive me.

 

[Truthfrees]

MOD HAT

moved from trauma to recovery related spiritual advice as per the sops

 

[Hope37]

Thanks again for replies.

I had been going to a Church of Ireland for a while, but I was being asked if I hadn't been there for a few weeks: "were you sick?". I find this annoying, as if I have to be there every week especially as I am still looking for a church to settle in. Other times I have found the opposite to be the case, if you rise a bit above the spiritual room temperature in some churches you can find yourself attacked by the other christians. Maybe I am too individualistic in my approach to faith, and not corporate enough?? I don't know. I am influenced a fair bit by Kierrkegarrd, and his approach to faith was quite individualistic. But I just find it hard to fit in.

I am trying to find a counsellor, but its difficult because I am suspicious somewhat of them and their approaches - I am not unknowledgable or uncritical about psychology and so I feel I need to know about the theoretical underpinnings of any counsellor, and sometimes they don't want to answer questions about that. I have just written to one and asked specifically about that and am waiting to see if I get a reply and what she says. I want to know what theorists they are informed by because some of these theorists are quite wrong in their understanding of persons.

I have had to attend a mental health unit in the past and those I have spoken too don't even seem to recognise if I have dissociative symptoms, or post traumatic symptoms - its unbelievable I wonder how competent some are (its all tick box, and if you don't line up clearly with some particular disorder well then they are lost - your just a 'nervous person'. But maybe its that I have developed a way of coping that mimics normality so well they cannot see past it?

Yes the last thing you need is for a churcto put pressure on you about attendance! I find it hard to fit in too.

I also like to know the basis for psychological theory! A lot of it seems to me to be built on very questionable foundations. But your therapist should be willing to explain to you where they are coming from. They would all have had to study counselling theory and depending what sort of therapist they are should have a strong theoretical framework to support their practise. Some people are more intuitive than others and may find the theory boring or irrelevant but even so they should be able to explain it to you. If they can't or aren't willing to its perhaps a sign they're not as thorough or well-trained as they should be.

Dissociation is notorious for being a hidden disorder! It's also not very well known to the majority of ordinary counsellors. I think it's worth seeking a specialist opinion . My coping front is so convincing even I believe it and don't believe I have any dissociative problems till I get back home. One way of checking how real you are is to see how in touch or present you are in your body. I have found this invaluable in finding and understanding dissociation. For me it's sometimes quite a slight dislodgement. For want of a better word! Like feeling my body isn't quite where I thought it was, like I'm maybe 6inches higher than it or there is a big gap between my head and neck and my legs, or feeling I'm not inside parts of it, or parts of it are numb. If I try sliding back into place so I feel geographically in the space occupied by the body I soon hear objections and discover why I had distanced or removed myself.

 

[Amittai]

...

I have a question about what was probably the first time I seemed to get a grasp of the gospel. It was for me a very unsettling experience, it had a 'seeing' aspect, but I didn't go through with the response of faith. It doesn't seem possible to have an opportunity like that again, and I wonder were that leaves me, does it constitute an incomplete conversion at some level of my unconscious? Do we get other opportunities?

My spiritual autobiography is a prolonged series of drips and drabs. Dr David Pawson points out many of us weren't shown how to have the normal birth.

But, I think the solution is in the builder who reviewed the plan before he started to build, and the general almost in mid battle reviewing the costs.

Holy Trinity life in us = room for the other other. Trading in the talents = potentising one's brother's gift. He ain't heavy. "My burden is light." Your posting here is encouraging us.

 

[dms1972]

Hi Amittia , well thanks for your comments - things are still in flux a bit for me so don't put too much stock in my older posts, which can be a bit introspective.

 

[SANTOSO]

For a long time now (years) I haven't really felt myself, and I don't know exactly what is behind it all. I feel like a hypocrite and inauthentic most of the time. Its like I have lost myself. Many years ago I experienced something like a dissociative fugue state during which I wasn't able to tell people my correct name, this lasted a couple of days - I seemed to be helped during this time by someone who had mental health training (I think he was a christian) - who asked me to come back and see him until I was clear about my identity.

I had a couple of falls earlier in life when my head hit hard ground, and I felt pretty shattered following these.

The biggest difficulty for me currently is with faith and believing (always seems to have been). I tend to 'intellectualise' the act of faith, and want to understand it in great detail. And to be honest I am not sure what I believe.

I am not sure what the answer is or who to talk to about it. Many counsellors are secular/humanist and I think my difficulties have spiritual aspect...however I haven't always got on great with some Christian counsellors either.

My doctor put me on a med for anxiety/depression years ago, and more recently I have been on Quetipine. But there doesn't seem any clear diagnosis, and all I have been told by the mental health staff is that I just seem to be a 'nervous person'.

I have a question about what was probably the first time I seemed to get a grasp of the gospel. It was for me a very unsettling experience, it had a 'seeing' aspect, but I didn't go through with the response of faith. It doesn't seem possible to have an opportunity like that again, and I wonder were that leaves me, does it constitute an incomplete conversion at some level of my unconscious? Do we get other opportunities?

Hello...
you are concerned about faith. You speak about it in a great deal; it seems that you are looking for this opportunity walking in faith. Share more of your concerns. May we all can better understand you and may God provide us with wisdom and understanding to help you. Our God is a compassionate God. Waiting for your reply.