- Oct 5, 2019
- 6
- 7
- 45
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
I am new to the forum but not new to the Lord. I am currently longing for fellowship with other Christians. I was born into Roman Catholicism. My mom being the 6th of 8 kids to a large, devout, conservative, Roman Catholic upbringing. My father, the older of two children, was raised without much direction in his catholic religion(extremely liberal parents) though he went to a catholic high school and was an altar boy. After I was six months old, my family moved back to Florida from Maine as my father was stationed in Bucksport for a few years while with the Air Force. My father doing only 4 years in the military left and began working as a mail carrier. My mother befriended a neighbor who was in Word of Faith movement and my mother quickly abandoned Catholicism for the new WoF teachings. As a child, I recall many things. My mother had several women visiting our house often and we attended a private christian school up until 1st grade. I have an older brother and sister as well who attended with me. My parents could no longer afford private school so my mother became our teacher. We were homeschooled for approx 4 years. I can recall during this time attending many different churches and learning many different things. I remember one of these ladies coming over our house and would continually have a word from God for my mother. Soon this lady, who we will call Mrs Moore, was telling my mom God told her we had treasure buried in out backyard. This lady would walk around our backyard and would seeming become weak and wherever she felt the 'power' my brother and I had to dig. I remember digging up the entire backyard. Every day she came over it was another vision. I remember thinking we were gonna be rich. After the backyard failed to yield we were soon digging up the front yard under the guise that if anyone asked we were to tell them we were burying a time capsule. I recall many odd things like this as a child. I know my mom became obsessed with the fact we should be rich. Any money my dad's parents received by hard work my mother also would say that they should be giving us money as we were poor. My mother never actually worked a real job though she would clean houses here and there. I remember folks dropping us off food often. I remember Christmas with no presents.
When I went into middle school I soon learned how cruel worldly kids could be. I was extremely sheltered before this and wasn't allowed to do anything. No music, nothing. I went to a school in the ghetto and learned I had to conform or else get my butt kicked. I was soon in middle school but my morals were so strong I stood out and was picked on. I got beat up a lot because I never did what the other kids did. I would sit, straight up, hands folded, ready to learn every day. By the time high school came I was fearful of kids that I finally gave in. In 9th grade I learned that my dad was raped by catholic priest when has 8 years old until the age of 11. I also learned his dad, my grandpa was raped by a catholic priest as well. My father was an angry man. He blamed God. He would rage often. Him and my mother fought relentlessly and would argue and slam doors and yell more often than not. My father would drink every day until numb.
In 9th grade I finally gave up. I found some bad kids and was quickly stealing money to pay for my first drug ever, acid. I had never had beer or a cigarette but was offered some 'Yellow Felix' blotter. $20 and 4 hits later I was tripping at the age of 15. I started buying acid and stealing money and would trip about once a week. Before this started, my brother and I asked our parents if we could play sports but they told us they didn't have the time to allow us and they didnt trust anyone at the school, it seemed more like a cop-out. My brother and I both joined up and became like the world. At the beginning of 10th grade my mom found weed in my room and told my that I had to drop out of school. She told my brother the same thing. My sister dropped out because she was having trouble fitting in. We were raised so sheltered we didnt know how to function in the world. My sister, 43, still lives at home and has never had a boyfriend or moved out. She is brainwashed. During the high school years my father sued the catholic church. He had to open up the minds door to his past and he became completely immersed in his own pain. I could never reach my father. I just wanted him to talk to me. I was a teenager growing into a man without the aid of a father. After we were pulled out of school we had the option of going to private school but we had to pay for it. Not wanting to drop out I got a job and was working 36 hours a week to pay for my schoolI did get robbed with a gun to my head while there but never told my parents until I was 30 as I thought they would make me quit and I would have to drop out of school. The private school I attended was at the church we grew up with. The church an AoG church which transitioned to non-denominational around 1994. We began attending the church around 1983. Through this church came the word of faith teachings amongst others(Hickey, Duplantis, and other would show up). When I began attending the school, half way through 10th grade, Rodney Howard Browne showed up. This was the beginning of the Toronto Outpouring. I saw my pastor rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. My mother had to be driven home by my teacher as she was too 'drunk in the sprit' to drive. I attended every church function and movement they had. I interned as a youth pastor and felt my calling was into ministry. Now I had already seen many crazy things at the church. Slain in the spirit was as common as anything else. I just couldn't understand these 'moves of the spirit', though maybe is was much more judgement. During these years my parents were constantly fighting, my dad sometimes breaking things while intoxicated. I found a nice girl at school who had no crazy emotions and fell in love. We began dating at 16 and are still married today, at 40. About 1 year after dating her parents let me move in with their family as they knew how crazy my parents had become. I had left home a few times before. I couldn't take the environment any more. Every day since I could remember my mom acted like she had a direct link to God. She would ask God a question and then quickly pray in 'tongues' and she would then say God gave her an answer. She would do this often. One time she told me the Holy Spirit told her I was doing cocaine. I had never even seen the drug yet. She told my brother that Ted Bundy had christian parents and that my brother was well on his way to be like him if he didnt change now. She would use God against and act like her and God were on the same page. She would put oil on everything in the house. She would anoint our doors, windows, pictures. You would wake up and there would be oil on your head.
We weren't allowed to have any friends except the next door neighbor. My parents cut off their parents and all their brothers and sisters. Since my moms family is catholic they would butt heads whenever together. I grew up not knowing any of my family. I had/have about 38 cousins. When I got older I started realizing I was stuck in sin. I began reading my Bible and started seeing scriptures removed, as I had an NIV bible at this point. As soon as I researched why scriptures were taken out of the Bible, I started my long journey. I felt like I was falling and dint know who to ask for help. Everything I knew was tainted, polluted, and hypocrisy.
At the age of 20 I married my high school sweetheart. My parents didnt attend my wedding because I invited my dads parents and they didnt want them to come. My parents lived 5 minutes from where I had my wedding. My father won his case against the catholic church but at the cost of his children. I tried to make amends many times but my mother would always interject her word of faith doctrine into my life. My wife and I now have to kids, both girls. I have been looking for a church to attend for the past 15 years. My doctrine has been adjusting though I what ends I'm not sure yet. We did attend one small Independent Fundamental Baptist Church. After learning more of God's word I found many time where we could 'fall short'. I quickly rejected the OSAS doctrine. During these times I lived in sin. I contemplate my salvation nearly every hour of the day. I know the word of God is true. I know the scripture says to be aware of wolves in sheep clothing. Ive read my Bible 100s of times. I have the books downloaded and listen to them on repeat every day for at least 4-6 hours, non-stop. I want TRUTH. I have rejected man-made traditions. We no longer celebrate any of the major holidays save Thanksgiving. We talk about the feast days when they are near and try to eat food like lamb and try to make food those in the Bible might've eaten.
I am at the point where I have been begging God for fellowship with other christians. I fear that I am so blinded that I cant see. I fear that God has chosen to blind me. I have racked up numerous sins and have flesh that is unclean. I fear that if I give in and attend a church where I compromise on my beliefs that God will judge me. I fear that if I dont attend a church that God will judge me. I fear I dont have the Spirit. JUDE 8How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts. 19These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit. 20... I am separated because I cant attend a place where I cant reconcile their doctrine with scripture. I researched for years the background of the holidays and anyone that catches the surface will quickly coe to the conclusion that these are Pagan. We are told toot worship God the way the heathens worship their gods. The catholic church brought syncretism. This, to me, is the opposite of scripture. I won't get into much doctrine here as this is the introduction and i feel Ive pretty much accomplished that now.
My parents and I quit talking when my mom tried to push her word of faith doctrine on me once more. I told her I dint believe and she said that maybe one God would reveal it to me and that I'm just ignorant. I told her Benny Hinn and Copeland are liars and that I couldn't speak with her any more and hung up the phone.
If I could express one desire, it would be that I find one person, just one I could talk to. One brother in Christ I could lean on when the flesh is weak. I have no family other than my wife and kids. My brother lives close but is still stuck in the worlds ways. I haven't spoke with my parents in about 7 years. I know God put us here for fellowship with the each other. I just dont know how to find that fellowship without attending a church I dont agree with. I wouldn't want to cause discord and I couldn't keep quiet if i disagreed. Ive searched every denominations beliefs. The church as a whole is hidden. I think God meant it that way. Within all these movements, doctrines, exists some truth and some leaven. We know a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump. How much leaven is acceptable to the Lord and where do you compromise? I cant seem to find peace these days as I truly want to please the Father but dont know where or how to to begin.
When I went into middle school I soon learned how cruel worldly kids could be. I was extremely sheltered before this and wasn't allowed to do anything. No music, nothing. I went to a school in the ghetto and learned I had to conform or else get my butt kicked. I was soon in middle school but my morals were so strong I stood out and was picked on. I got beat up a lot because I never did what the other kids did. I would sit, straight up, hands folded, ready to learn every day. By the time high school came I was fearful of kids that I finally gave in. In 9th grade I learned that my dad was raped by catholic priest when has 8 years old until the age of 11. I also learned his dad, my grandpa was raped by a catholic priest as well. My father was an angry man. He blamed God. He would rage often. Him and my mother fought relentlessly and would argue and slam doors and yell more often than not. My father would drink every day until numb.
In 9th grade I finally gave up. I found some bad kids and was quickly stealing money to pay for my first drug ever, acid. I had never had beer or a cigarette but was offered some 'Yellow Felix' blotter. $20 and 4 hits later I was tripping at the age of 15. I started buying acid and stealing money and would trip about once a week. Before this started, my brother and I asked our parents if we could play sports but they told us they didn't have the time to allow us and they didnt trust anyone at the school, it seemed more like a cop-out. My brother and I both joined up and became like the world. At the beginning of 10th grade my mom found weed in my room and told my that I had to drop out of school. She told my brother the same thing. My sister dropped out because she was having trouble fitting in. We were raised so sheltered we didnt know how to function in the world. My sister, 43, still lives at home and has never had a boyfriend or moved out. She is brainwashed. During the high school years my father sued the catholic church. He had to open up the minds door to his past and he became completely immersed in his own pain. I could never reach my father. I just wanted him to talk to me. I was a teenager growing into a man without the aid of a father. After we were pulled out of school we had the option of going to private school but we had to pay for it. Not wanting to drop out I got a job and was working 36 hours a week to pay for my schoolI did get robbed with a gun to my head while there but never told my parents until I was 30 as I thought they would make me quit and I would have to drop out of school. The private school I attended was at the church we grew up with. The church an AoG church which transitioned to non-denominational around 1994. We began attending the church around 1983. Through this church came the word of faith teachings amongst others(Hickey, Duplantis, and other would show up). When I began attending the school, half way through 10th grade, Rodney Howard Browne showed up. This was the beginning of the Toronto Outpouring. I saw my pastor rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. My mother had to be driven home by my teacher as she was too 'drunk in the sprit' to drive. I attended every church function and movement they had. I interned as a youth pastor and felt my calling was into ministry. Now I had already seen many crazy things at the church. Slain in the spirit was as common as anything else. I just couldn't understand these 'moves of the spirit', though maybe is was much more judgement. During these years my parents were constantly fighting, my dad sometimes breaking things while intoxicated. I found a nice girl at school who had no crazy emotions and fell in love. We began dating at 16 and are still married today, at 40. About 1 year after dating her parents let me move in with their family as they knew how crazy my parents had become. I had left home a few times before. I couldn't take the environment any more. Every day since I could remember my mom acted like she had a direct link to God. She would ask God a question and then quickly pray in 'tongues' and she would then say God gave her an answer. She would do this often. One time she told me the Holy Spirit told her I was doing cocaine. I had never even seen the drug yet. She told my brother that Ted Bundy had christian parents and that my brother was well on his way to be like him if he didnt change now. She would use God against and act like her and God were on the same page. She would put oil on everything in the house. She would anoint our doors, windows, pictures. You would wake up and there would be oil on your head.
We weren't allowed to have any friends except the next door neighbor. My parents cut off their parents and all their brothers and sisters. Since my moms family is catholic they would butt heads whenever together. I grew up not knowing any of my family. I had/have about 38 cousins. When I got older I started realizing I was stuck in sin. I began reading my Bible and started seeing scriptures removed, as I had an NIV bible at this point. As soon as I researched why scriptures were taken out of the Bible, I started my long journey. I felt like I was falling and dint know who to ask for help. Everything I knew was tainted, polluted, and hypocrisy.
At the age of 20 I married my high school sweetheart. My parents didnt attend my wedding because I invited my dads parents and they didnt want them to come. My parents lived 5 minutes from where I had my wedding. My father won his case against the catholic church but at the cost of his children. I tried to make amends many times but my mother would always interject her word of faith doctrine into my life. My wife and I now have to kids, both girls. I have been looking for a church to attend for the past 15 years. My doctrine has been adjusting though I what ends I'm not sure yet. We did attend one small Independent Fundamental Baptist Church. After learning more of God's word I found many time where we could 'fall short'. I quickly rejected the OSAS doctrine. During these times I lived in sin. I contemplate my salvation nearly every hour of the day. I know the word of God is true. I know the scripture says to be aware of wolves in sheep clothing. Ive read my Bible 100s of times. I have the books downloaded and listen to them on repeat every day for at least 4-6 hours, non-stop. I want TRUTH. I have rejected man-made traditions. We no longer celebrate any of the major holidays save Thanksgiving. We talk about the feast days when they are near and try to eat food like lamb and try to make food those in the Bible might've eaten.
I am at the point where I have been begging God for fellowship with other christians. I fear that I am so blinded that I cant see. I fear that God has chosen to blind me. I have racked up numerous sins and have flesh that is unclean. I fear that if I give in and attend a church where I compromise on my beliefs that God will judge me. I fear that if I dont attend a church that God will judge me. I fear I dont have the Spirit. JUDE 8How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts. 19These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit. 20... I am separated because I cant attend a place where I cant reconcile their doctrine with scripture. I researched for years the background of the holidays and anyone that catches the surface will quickly coe to the conclusion that these are Pagan. We are told toot worship God the way the heathens worship their gods. The catholic church brought syncretism. This, to me, is the opposite of scripture. I won't get into much doctrine here as this is the introduction and i feel Ive pretty much accomplished that now.
My parents and I quit talking when my mom tried to push her word of faith doctrine on me once more. I told her I dint believe and she said that maybe one God would reveal it to me and that I'm just ignorant. I told her Benny Hinn and Copeland are liars and that I couldn't speak with her any more and hung up the phone.
If I could express one desire, it would be that I find one person, just one I could talk to. One brother in Christ I could lean on when the flesh is weak. I have no family other than my wife and kids. My brother lives close but is still stuck in the worlds ways. I haven't spoke with my parents in about 7 years. I know God put us here for fellowship with the each other. I just dont know how to find that fellowship without attending a church I dont agree with. I wouldn't want to cause discord and I couldn't keep quiet if i disagreed. Ive searched every denominations beliefs. The church as a whole is hidden. I think God meant it that way. Within all these movements, doctrines, exists some truth and some leaven. We know a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump. How much leaven is acceptable to the Lord and where do you compromise? I cant seem to find peace these days as I truly want to please the Father but dont know where or how to to begin.
