No sexual chemistry

[AndyKC]

My wife and I have been married for 16 years...3 boys....14,12,7. We have struggled with intimacy all of our marriage and it has caused us to really question whether we can continue being married.

My wife said she just doesn't feel any sexual chemistry toward me at all and that any attempt at sex with her just repulses her. She withdraws from me and avoids me when she senses me wanting her which causes a downward spiral where I attempt to act like I don't want/need sex with her and I try to distract myself with anything until it is too much to bear and we either have what I call pity sex or duty sex. To her she would rather have a root canal than have sex. And for me, to have sex with someone who feels as she does is almost like rape except she is willing to put up with it just to try to move past it.

It wasn't always like this and she seemed to enjoy it in the beginning. But, if you ask her, she will tell you that she never really found me attractive in that way and that she just thought those feelings would grow over time but instead they have done the opposite. She tells me that she loves me, thinks I am attractive, but has NO desire to be physically intimate with me. She said she has felt those feelings with past boyfriends so it isn't as if she can't feel it, she just doesn't feel it with me. She said she wants desperately to have those feelings with me but for whatever reason after 16 years we have basically given up. We have tried everything you can imagine. Go ahead, tell me something you think we should try and I bet we have done it. Nothing has helped.

I don't want to get divorce she says she doesn't either and that (and the kids) and our faith is what has held us together. But recently she has stated she feels the pain to want to desire someone as much as I want to BE desired. The problem is, is I am looking inward to her to satisfy that need and she is looking outward toward other people and wondering if life would be better apart. Sometimes I wonder that too. If it weren't for the children, we would have probably given up years ago. I am wondering too if this is all there is for us. Did God want us to be in a dead sexless marriage with no hope for any resolution? Do we just continue down this road together and live a life without that? It seems that by doing so we are not experiencing the joy that intimate connection provides. To me it is the glue that bonds a married couple and without it we are basically friends or roommates raising children. How can we satisfy that missing piece that for whatever reason seems too powerful to ignore? Why does God ignore our prayers about this? I don't have any fight left in me and I sure don't want to go the rest of my life (I am 46 an she is 41) and never feel like someone truly loves me unconditionally. What should I do?

 

[BookishGirl]

Have you gone to counseling regarding this issue?

 

[AndyKC]

Hi, yes we have been to Counseling at the church and outside the church as well. Neither helped much. They focused on multiple things...bible verses on how a man and woman should submit to each other and not deny each other sex, different techniques, foreplay, setting the mood, etc...all of this is well and good but my wife would describe it like this in her feelings toward me:
Wife: "you aren't gay right?"
Me: "Right, no homosexual feelings at all"
Wife: "so if I showed you some techniques that make sex better and some bible verses that tell you you should like gay sex then that would make you want sex with a man?"
Me: "Never!"
Wife: "Well, that is kind of how hard it is to change how I feel about you. Although this isn't about you being gay or me being gay, my feelings about not wanting sex with you would be similar to you not wanting sex with a man. No matter what you read or how much someone tried to convince you, you would never want it and never enjoy it even if you could ever manage to force yourself to do it."

Ouch! So basically she just feels nothing toward me sexually and when we do actually do it, it repulses her so much that she can't even stand to do it. I am not an unattractive person at all either which is really confusing to me.

Then the non-Christian counselors were even less help. After several sessions of 'therapy', they get frustrated and start to say maybe we should consider divorce so that we can both move on and find happiness. Well, we both want this to work and don't want to divorce for many reasons. I think we both love each other and other areas of our lives are fine so it seems wrong (and feels wrong in my eyes as to what God would want) to just end our marriage because she has no desire for me and there is no sexual intimacy. But at the same time, it feels like a huge hole in our marriage and we have been told to let God fill that space....well, that's all fine but God isn't having sex with me. I can try to occupy my thoughts and time with God but I have done that for years to no avail. Eventually I will want to have sex with this woman I am married to and there won't be anything I can do about it. SOOO frustrated and feeling completely helpless.

 

[St_Worm2]

Praying!

 

[SkyWriting]

Go ahead, tell me something you think we should try and I bet we have done it. Nothing has helped.

Backrubs, hand holding, physical touching of any kind for extended periods.
Looking deeply at each others eyes for 5 minutes, no talking.
Foot rubs, three legged walking with one leg tied together,
Long walks with talking, without talking.
Mutually chosen movies. I pick 20 from the library, then she chooses what we watch from those.

 

[ValleyGal]

Has she seen a doctor? Maybe she's going through early menopause or hormonal changes?

 

[Mudinyeri]

So many of this type of post on here. I thank the Lord that my wife and I are still very much sexually attracted to one another after 24 years of marriage and nearly 4 years of dating.

@AndyK is your wife saying that she is a lesbian? Is she sexually attracted to (other) men? Other than health or hormonal changes, it seems odd that she would, after "enjoying it in the beginning," change her mind ... unless of course, you have changed significantly.

My wife and I counsel couples from time to time. We're Christians so we often bring scripture to the table but we're also practical people. If the two of you sat down with us, we would probably ask your wife the questions that I asked above. We would probably ask you:

1. Have you changed significantly over the course of your marriage - physically, emotionally, spiritually? (We would ask your wife if she felt that you had changed.)
2. Why do you think your wife finds you unappealing?
3. What do you think you could do - other than initiating sex - that would be appealing to or intimate with your wife?

Have you explored The Five Love Languages? What is your primary love language? What is your wife's?

That's a start.

 

[98cwitr]

Is she just being asexual or do you think she would have sex with other men (or women) if given the opportunity [if the marriage was over]? Is she a sexual person? Does she touch?

 

[AndyKC]

Backrubs, hand holding, physical touching of any kind for extended periods.
Looking deeply at each others eyes for 5 minutes, no talking.
Foot rubs, three legged walking with one leg tied together,
Long walks with talking, without talking.
Mutually chosen movies. I pick 20 from the library, then she chooses what we watch from those.

Tried all of those except the 3 legged suggestion....LOL! And, we do enjoy most of those things...although she can't take looking into my eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. She makes fun of "staring deeply into one another's eyes". It makes her too uncomfortable she says. She said she likes all of those things too but that she holds back because she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea or is worried it will lead to me wanting more than that. So, I have to assure her beforehand that I am not going to be seeking anything before she can just relax and be ok with even these small gestures of intimacy. It's very hard to be physically attracted to someone on every level of your being but have them not reciprocate it to you. It is very much like torture. Imagine going shopping every day and you have a million dollars in your pocket and you can buy whatever you want, but when you get to the store, all you can do is window shop. You see exactly what you want, but unfortunately it isn't for sale.
Even that might be OK, but I am married to this person who I feel like should be willing to share herself with me. Why marry someone if you don't plan on loving them unconditionally and completely. I am not sure I can go the rest of my life with someone who just takes me for granted like that. Is that just my burden to bear in this life?

 

[AndyKC]

Has she seen a doctor? Maybe she's going through early menopause or hormonal changes?

She hasn't been to a doctor for that, but she has no desire to. She doesn't feel a need to change anything about herself. It's not that she doesn't want sex...its that she doesn't want sex with me. The desire is there...just not for me and that scares me the most. Our marriage is only as safe as her will to put up with that and keep her desires buried deep down. I worry that if the "right" guy comes along, she won't be able to resist and every time I let her go I worry. Can you imagine living like that all day every day. Wondering where your spouse is and worrying that they are meeting someone new that they find attractive? I guess we all have that threat but in this case it seems even more like a possibility.

 

[SkyWriting]

Tried all of those except the 3 legged suggestion....LOL! And, we do enjoy most of those things...although she can't take looking into my eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. She makes fun of "staring deeply into one another's eyes". It makes her too uncomfortable she says.

True enough.
But it works.

 

[dysert]

As someone earlier noted, there have been a lot of these kinds of notes pop up lately. And I'm sure there are many unspoken "bad" marriages out there (mine included). So, take some comfort that you're not alone.

My wife and I actually separated for a year in hopes that one of us would change. Didn't work.

Now we are roommates (and have been for quite some time), pining away for the good old days when we had such feelings for each other. If you dwell on it, you'll sob incessantly. So I don't dwell on it. I make myself busy with other things and just thank God that I have someone beside me that cares about me in *some* fashion, even if it's not sexually. I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I hope your plight turns out better than mine.

 

[AndyKC]

So many of this type of post on here. I thank the Lord that my wife and I are still very much sexually attracted to one another after 24 years of marriage and nearly 4 years of dating.

@AndyK is your wife saying that she is a lesbian? Is she sexually attracted to (other) men? Other than health or hormonal changes, it seems odd that she would, after "enjoying it in the beginning," change her mind ... unless of course, you have changed significantly.

My wife and I counsel couples from time to time. We're Christians so we often bring scripture to the table but we're also practical people. If the two of you sat down with us, we would probably ask your wife the questions that I asked above. We would probably ask you:

1. Have you changed significantly over the course of your marriage - physically, emotionally, spiritually? (We would ask your wife if she felt that you had changed.)
2. Why do you think your wife finds you unappealing?
3. What do you think you could do - other than initiating sex - that would be appealing to or intimate with your wife?

Have you explored The Five Love Languages? What is your primary love language? What is your wife's?

That's a start.

I appreciate your thoughts. So here is my response. I have asked about my wife being asexual or bisexual or even a lesbian. All of those would make sense to me. I have asked if she is or has cheated on me and besides a few flirtations here and there I have found nothing and I truly believe there is nothing. I guess anyone can hide anything if they really want to but when I have searched in the past, I have found nothing to suggest it and I do believe her.

She IS sexually attracted to other men. I have asked about that and I know that to be true. Which causes great pain for me and makes me insanely insecure. I feel like it is just a matter of time with her but so far she has had the willpower to fight off any of those types of urges.

I have changed but honestly for the better. My salary is above average, I am in great shape...better than when we met, I am the one the brought her to be saved as she grew up in a family that didn't believe in God.
I have asked what she finds unappealing and she cannot pin it down. She is constantly tinkering with me trying to "improve" me...clothes, fitness, the car i drive, etc...hoping the change will spark something new in her for me. She recently told me she would like us to get tattoos because she thinks that is a turn on. And while I can also say that might be attractive to see on her, I know it won't change anything. It will just be another thing she has tried. She has even suggested I buy a motorcycle and we could do that for fun. Maybe...but again, that wears off after awhile and the new is gone. She needs constant change to feel normal and I think variety is what she craves. I am a steady normal fun good looking guy that is dependable and loving and loyal. She seems to need a little more action to keep her blood moving.

We were watching the Bachelorette the other night (yes I just admitted to that) and we were both shocked when she sent home a few of the more attractive men. She then said that is kind of how she feels about me. Although on paper I am a great match...good provider, great dad, handsome, educated, etc....there sometimes just isn't any spark. No matter how good it appears it should be, there is just something (chemistry?) missing and you can't force it if it isn't there. She asked if I had ever been attracted to someone that I would just not be able to have sex with and for the life of me I can't think of a single person. If I think they are attractive, then I wouldn't have a problem being with them in that way. Maybe it is different for women. She sure seems to have picked me for logical reasons on paper but her heart is tugging at her to find that passion that she feels is missing.

What could I do? Part of that is also her love language and that is Acts of Service or Gifts or something...I forget what they are...been awhile since we went through that. But, basically she would love it if I would plan things and surprise her...come home with tickets to something or organize a vacation but not tell her until we were on the way to the airport, etc.. So, there are things I could do for sure. I have done that in the past and it does seem to bring us closer but it is expensive and she likes to control everything so she normally has months of weekends planned out ahead of time and sneaking something in is tricky.

We do spend quality time together...date nights about once a week or so and we try to get out and do things just us without the kids. And every night we cuddle together and I give her a back rub or massage but for her to relax she has to be made aware that I am not seeking anything, just trying to do something nice for her. She likes that. Never offers it to me though. There was a scene from the tv show Friends years ago where Ross was giving a massage to one of Phoebe's clients while she was out and he was grossed out because it was this old guy. So rather than having to touch him he used a couple of wooden spoons to do the massage...that is how I think she feels about touching me most of the time....would rather just poke at me than actually touch me. Sad but true. I laugh about that but she never does anything for me out of fear that it will lead me on.

My love language is definitely touch and words of affirmation...hers is time and service and gifts. Seem to be kind of opposite, but it makes sense. I would like nothing more than to lay in bed on a lazy Saturday morning and just love on each other and she would prefer i had bought her tickets to go with friends and jump out of an airplane. I sometimes feel like she is trying to distract herself from love by trying to stay super busy doing "fun" things all the time. She doesn't like to get deep and share on an emotional level...at least not with me. I think she could and there have been a handful of times through out our marriage where she has seemed to and it was really nice. But she said she was just kind of trying to fake it until she makes it to see if it would work.

I am wondering if this will ever work...and if it won't, then I want to get it over with sooner than later. I feel time is slipping away and I think we both want that passion that is missing in our lives. Unfortunately for me it is with someone who doesn't want it with me.

 

[AndyKC]

Is she just being asexual or do you think she would have sex with other men (or women) if given the opportunity [if the marriage was over]? Is she a sexual person? Does she touch?

She used to tell me she thought she was asexual and that she could go the rest of her life without sex. I used to laugh it off like she was crazy. But then I started to believe her. That was years ago and since then she has said that she too craves the feeling of need to desire someone. And she thought that it would just happen naturally over time as we grew in our marriage. But it hasn't. She said she told me about possibly being asexual as a way to not hurt my feelings so that she didn't have to say she just want sexually attracted to me but she is to other men. She would definitely have sex with other men if the marriage was over. I worry about a couple of things....1.) that she won't be able to resist and will have an affair if the right situation presents itself, or 2.) Eventually she will not be willing to go forever without having that hot passionate desire for another human being and end the marriage to find it. I would rather she would just do it now and get it over with if that is her ultimate plan. I don't want to continue along in limbo until the kids leave home then at 57 try to find a new love. Do it now while I am still attractive and there are still plenty of good years left.
She claims she doesn't touch and from everything I can tell I would believe her. She is completely grossed out at the thought of touching herself...very uncomfortable with her own sexuality for some reason. But she used to do it all the time when she was younger. After marriage and kids she has no interest...or has suppressed it or something. Not sure.

 

[AndyKC]

As someone earlier noted, there have been a lot of these kinds of notes pop up lately. And I'm sure there are many unspoken "bad" marriages out there (mine included). So, take some comfort that you're not alone.

My wife and I actually separated for a year in hopes that one of us would change. Didn't work.

Now we are roommates (and have been for quite some time), pining away for the good old days when we had such feelings for each other. If you dwell on it, you'll sob incessantly. So I don't dwell on it. I make myself busy with other things and just thank God that I have someone beside me that cares about me in *some* fashion, even if it's not sexually. I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I hope your plight turns out better than mine.

I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing nearly the same thing. We talked about separation in the past but didn't do it...mostly for the kids sake. I worry how that might impact them. But then I am not sure what we have is healthy either. I do think to anyone on the outside, it appears we are a very loving and affectionate couple. And we are happy for the most part except this one area. They would be shocked to learn of our struggles. We are basically roommates now too. I do try to keep busy but it is difficult when the one thing you really want is that connection to that other person. I could leave and meet someone new but then that is a whole other set of problems, including how God might see me. I don't want to disappoint Him. It is so difficult to know what to do. Is neglect a reason to leave? What does God think about this? Am I just supposed to live with this woman and never have those kinds of feelings again? Why would he put us together? Sure we have made 3 beautiful boys, so I see that reason and I get it but aren't husband and wives supposed to be able to enjoy sex together? As a married Christian man, my only 2 choices are have sex with my wife or suffer. I can't think about or date or sleep with other women. I can't divorce her. I basically have to make the best of it. I do appreciate her and am thankful her and enjoy most of our time together. I think I worry that she isn't satisfied and if the right opportunity comes along she'll take it.

 

[SkyWriting]

It's very hard to be physically attracted to someone on every level of your being but have them not reciprocate it to you. It is very much like torture. Imagine going shopping every day and you have a million dollars in your pocket and you can buy whatever you want, but when you get to the store, all you can do is window shop. You see exactly what you want, but unfortunately it isn't for sale.
Even that might be OK, but I am married to this person who I feel like should be willing to share herself with me. Why marry someone if you don't plan on loving them unconditionally and completely. I am not sure I can go the rest of my life with someone who just takes me for granted like that. Is that just my burden to bear in this life?

It's how many women feel. Welcome to the female experience.
Yes, the solution is for you to change. You are not being the
person she needs you to be.

 

[johndoo]

It's how many women feel. Welcome to the female experience.
Yes, the solution is for you to change. You are not being the
person she needs you to be.

This is unfair.
He clearly says that he has tried everything that she has asked.

Spousal neglect is grounds for divorce, and one that is accepted in many Christian circles because of the clear direction in the Bible that we should meet each others needs.

Have you tried massage?

 

[Dave-W]

Spousal neglect is grounds for divorce, and one that is accepted in many Christian circles

Well, those "christian circles" are wrong. Sexual infidelity (adultery) is the only clear grounds for divorce; and many see from 1 Cor 7 that "abandonment" is also grounds. That means the spouse up and moves out.

The fact is that neither of those situations have happened.

 

[Mudinyeri]

Part of that is also her love language and that is Acts of Service or Gifts or something...I forget what they are....

Thank you for the response to my questions. I think we may have hit upon a clue.

When we counsel couples, we often arrive at a similar place. I think there's a song ... "We've lost that loving feeling ...." After a few years, the original flame starts to fade, life gets in the way and couples lose that loving feeling. When counseling in person, it's easier to make specific recommendations but we've helped a number of couples re-kindle the flame.

If you've forgotten your wife's love language(s), you're not kindling the flame. No wonder there's no spark.

She probably has a few things to work on too but you're here and she isn't.

 

[AndyKC]

It's how many women feel. Welcome to the female experience.
Yes, the solution is for you to change. You are not being the
person she needs you to be.

So, I get what you are saying, and there are things that I can do. I will make more of an effort to do the things that she wants me to do...plan more outings, be more spontaneous, surprise her with stuff, keep it fresh.

At the same time however, I am conflicted in that I have done many of those things and there is still no positive results from it. I have changed the way I look the way I dress, my job, my fitness, my car, my teeth, etc, etc,...all in hopes after each change that maybe NOW she would find me attractive. Shouldn't she love me for who i am without me having to jump through a bunch of hoops to be someone that I might not normally be? I want to just shout, "this is me. you either love me or you don't but this is who I am!" I am not saying I can't improve on things and I am willing but at the same time, if I pretend to like rap music and dress like a gangster just because she "thinks" that might help, I am not being true to myself and I am not sure how long I would be able to keep that up. Although if it worked, I'm sure I would manage