- Aug 16, 2018
- 1
- 0
- 36
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and I have to get this story off my chest. It has been pent up for over 7 years and I appreciate any advice. A little background: 7.5 years ago I moved to the United States. Before that, I lived in another country. Back then I was pretty much broke, dealt with my chronic illness which was very active back then, and had a generally not-so-great attitude in life. In school I'd started different majors, but never finished them- I’d drop out. I’d get fired from jobs because of absences. I barely had any friends at the time because I was secluding myself, out of depression and a sense of purposelessness. This stemmed from my upbringing in which laziness and lack of ambition was encouraged, and a ‘drop out if you’re not good at it’ kind of attitude, which I adopted as well.
I went online and encountered someone from my personal heritage as well as shared religion. We hit it off quickly online, and we Skyped intensively for 6 months. He came to meet my family overseas and we all fell in love with his personality and charisma. We married after 2 months due to green card limitations. While everything else improved with time (I finally went to school full time and stuck with it due to him; my illness went into remission; we got a long really well on a personal level), our sex life declined significantly. After a year we barely had sex- things just didn’t click. This never improved, even after all this time, many years later and many times of us trying to turn over a new leaf. We grew apart to the point we were like siblings or good friends. This was always the cause of bad fights between us. He said many times that we should divorce, but he never went through with it, even if I agreed. I guess we both didn’t really want to divorce because everything else was fine. But it eats away at me, and it has always. I met a few guys/men over the years that made me feel that intense physical attraction, which was hard to deny. I never cheated or went through with any of it (though I was in my early 20s), but it was extremely hard to suppress.
The thing is, I couldn’t and didn’t want to leave because I had no money (I went to school fulltime for years and living by myself would be unaffordable where I live, I’d have to move away and live with roommates and it would complicate thing a lot while I was trying to keep my grades high) and I had no family or good friends like I had back home. If I’d leave, I’d have very little people in my life and strapped for cash until I graduated (this only just happened after 7 years). For practical reasons I stayed, but also because I really loved my husband.
Now that I’ve graduated and am about to start earning an income, I think we should reconsider our marriage. He really wants children, and I owe him a debt I can never repay – monetarily, psychologically and emotionally, as he made me into a strong and confident woman. I love him and respect him so much, that it breaks my heart to hurt him. I would give him any money he thinks I owe him, but more than anything else he will be heartbroken over the fact that we wouldn’t have children, because he’s 41 and he waited for me to graduate to have children, all these years. He does already have a 14-year-old daughter, but he wanted to have a child raised in his own house, and have that family feeling, because he has very little family himself, something we have in common. I feel I owe him that, but on the other hand, I feel that he cannot hold me ‘hostage’ in that sense. It feels like I'd have to stay with him forever because I owe him more than I can repay him. Every time a handsome guy/man compliments or flirts with me, I feel sick, because I get sexual feelings and I’d go home frustrated, tension building inside.
We’re basically together because we’re not in such a bad state that necessitates divorce, and we’re not in such a great state that I feel I want to spend the rest of my life with him. This has eaten away at me for so long.
Would you stay in a sexless marriage in which everything else is fine? Always trying to deny your sexual feelings when you meet someone attractive? Looking at other marriages, feeling bad because your own feels like sub-par?
Or would you leave, knowing you have no family in this country, a few friends? You lost your closest friend, your rock, someone who brings a smile to your face. Someone who basically made you from 'zero to hero'? I don't take divorce lightly and feel that it weighs extra heavy on our situation.
I believe there’s no real answer here but I feel so incredibly conflicted. Thank you for reading my story. I hope God can show me the way. Either way, no one wins..
I'm new to this forum and I have to get this story off my chest. It has been pent up for over 7 years and I appreciate any advice. A little background: 7.5 years ago I moved to the United States. Before that, I lived in another country. Back then I was pretty much broke, dealt with my chronic illness which was very active back then, and had a generally not-so-great attitude in life. In school I'd started different majors, but never finished them- I’d drop out. I’d get fired from jobs because of absences. I barely had any friends at the time because I was secluding myself, out of depression and a sense of purposelessness. This stemmed from my upbringing in which laziness and lack of ambition was encouraged, and a ‘drop out if you’re not good at it’ kind of attitude, which I adopted as well.
I went online and encountered someone from my personal heritage as well as shared religion. We hit it off quickly online, and we Skyped intensively for 6 months. He came to meet my family overseas and we all fell in love with his personality and charisma. We married after 2 months due to green card limitations. While everything else improved with time (I finally went to school full time and stuck with it due to him; my illness went into remission; we got a long really well on a personal level), our sex life declined significantly. After a year we barely had sex- things just didn’t click. This never improved, even after all this time, many years later and many times of us trying to turn over a new leaf. We grew apart to the point we were like siblings or good friends. This was always the cause of bad fights between us. He said many times that we should divorce, but he never went through with it, even if I agreed. I guess we both didn’t really want to divorce because everything else was fine. But it eats away at me, and it has always. I met a few guys/men over the years that made me feel that intense physical attraction, which was hard to deny. I never cheated or went through with any of it (though I was in my early 20s), but it was extremely hard to suppress.
The thing is, I couldn’t and didn’t want to leave because I had no money (I went to school fulltime for years and living by myself would be unaffordable where I live, I’d have to move away and live with roommates and it would complicate thing a lot while I was trying to keep my grades high) and I had no family or good friends like I had back home. If I’d leave, I’d have very little people in my life and strapped for cash until I graduated (this only just happened after 7 years). For practical reasons I stayed, but also because I really loved my husband.
Now that I’ve graduated and am about to start earning an income, I think we should reconsider our marriage. He really wants children, and I owe him a debt I can never repay – monetarily, psychologically and emotionally, as he made me into a strong and confident woman. I love him and respect him so much, that it breaks my heart to hurt him. I would give him any money he thinks I owe him, but more than anything else he will be heartbroken over the fact that we wouldn’t have children, because he’s 41 and he waited for me to graduate to have children, all these years. He does already have a 14-year-old daughter, but he wanted to have a child raised in his own house, and have that family feeling, because he has very little family himself, something we have in common. I feel I owe him that, but on the other hand, I feel that he cannot hold me ‘hostage’ in that sense. It feels like I'd have to stay with him forever because I owe him more than I can repay him. Every time a handsome guy/man compliments or flirts with me, I feel sick, because I get sexual feelings and I’d go home frustrated, tension building inside.
We’re basically together because we’re not in such a bad state that necessitates divorce, and we’re not in such a great state that I feel I want to spend the rest of my life with him. This has eaten away at me for so long.
Would you stay in a sexless marriage in which everything else is fine? Always trying to deny your sexual feelings when you meet someone attractive? Looking at other marriages, feeling bad because your own feels like sub-par?
Or would you leave, knowing you have no family in this country, a few friends? You lost your closest friend, your rock, someone who brings a smile to your face. Someone who basically made you from 'zero to hero'? I don't take divorce lightly and feel that it weighs extra heavy on our situation.
I believe there’s no real answer here but I feel so incredibly conflicted. Thank you for reading my story. I hope God can show me the way. Either way, no one wins..
