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no chemistry, no visible attraction, is it a showstopper?

Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by mercyfollowsme, Apr 15, 2013.

  1. mercyfollowsme

    mercyfollowsme Newbie

    194
    +32
    Christian
    Single
    Hi,

    I like a girl, and people have hinted for at least a year that we should be together. I've always felt like there's nothing there between us, sometimes its like i literally dont exist, although she is like that with other people too, living in her own world.

    I just felt recently that I should try again, we're both getting older. In private we can talk, but in public, I'm invisible. There's no passion, no chemistry, maybe she has emotional issues but I feel if its like this now, during the pursuit, what will it be like when the "passion" has died down.

    I feel like it would be a robotic, empty, marriage of convenience if it ever got anywhere. Does anyone have advice? I feel so conflicted.

    thanks
     
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  2. SnowyMacie

    SnowyMacie Well-Known Member

    +5,922
    United States
    Anglican
    In Relationship
    Why do you think you like her? You don't feel any chemistry, you don't have attraction towards her...why do you like her?
     
  3. mercyfollowsme

    mercyfollowsme Newbie

    194
    +32
    Christian
    Single
    we are similar in some ways, i guess thats why people have made comments. maybe shes just intriguing to me.
     
  4. SnowyMacie

    SnowyMacie Well-Known Member

    +5,922
    United States
    Anglican
    In Relationship
    why don't you think there's any chemistry? and what do you mean by no visible attraction?
     
  5. rodsorp

    rodsorp Newbie

    123
    +2
    Christian
    Single
    The question of why do you like her has already been asked so I will go another route. Are you sure you are not confusing you liking her with you just being interested in her as a person on a platonic level? Sometimes it can be very hard to distinguish between the two when the opposite sex is involved.
     
  6. jess9450

    jess9450 Member

    +217
    Christian
    Single
    erg, double post >.<
     
  7. Saucy

    Saucy Fear is faith in the enemy. Supporter

    +15,181
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Private
    Sounds like you're at the point where you're tired of trying so you're ready to settle for someone you have no chemistry with and you're not attracted to just to get it done already. But trust me...that will lead to many more issues than being single.

    I think to settle on some things is okay. Why? Because I don't believe Mr. or Mrs. Perfect exists and there is this huge romanticized ideal out there that people are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect and become frustrated when they can't find him or her. So over time, as people begin to realize this, they slowly start to erode away and settle some of what they're looking for.

    Because the reality is, we're imperfect human beings who make mistakes. There will ALWAYS be something about your significant other that you don't find attractive...maybe even things that you hate. And that's okay. I think people should relax some. Don't give up on the big things, like marrying someone you're not attracted to.
     
  8. Miles

    Miles was here

    +2,441
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    A lot depends on what you want. Some people are happy with a robotic, going through the motions, kind of marriage. More power to them if that's what they're looking for, but it's a showstopper for me. I'm looking for things like chemistry and shared depth of feeling. There's a lot going on inside of me. Stuff that I don't share with just anyone. If it becomes clear that I don't have the heartfelt basics in common with a particular person, then I'd rather hold out for someone with whom I do. Even if the alternative is that I never marry, I suppose. To lack basic closeness with my own spouse would likely leave me feeling lonelier than I do alone. Not that I'm looking for perfection. God knows I'm not perfect myself, but I want to be with somebody who is a good fit. I'd like to feel alive when we're together, to see the beauty in her, to be on a similar wavelength etc.
     
  9. Spunkn

    Spunkn Newbie

    +286
    Christian
    Single
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (say this in an awful Darth Vader voice for extra effect)

    My perfect little bubble.........so precious......

    Shattered!

    :argh:

    Goodbye Ms. Perfect, I'll miss the times we spent thinking about each other....

    ^_^
     
  10. Rose of Eden

    Rose of Eden Queen of CF and Child of God

    +694
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Democrat
    You said you find her kind of intriguing and that you two have a lot in common. Well, how well do you know her? If you already know her VERY well and have no chemistry with her and no attraction to her then I think it's best to move on and find another woman that you are truly attracted to. It's not fair to you and especially not fair to her if you were to pursue her and then date her only because of convenience.

    If, however, you don't know her that well...THEN GET TO KNOW HER BETTER! If you're slightly intrigued by her, if you get to know her better you'll find out if you're really attracted to her or not. If you find you are attracted to her, then ask her out. If you find you're not, then move on with your life.

    :)
     
  11. Takkles

    Takkles Hmmmm...

    381
    +24
    Non-Denom
    Single
    This is a big reason the divorce rate in the USA is so high.
     
  12. Elliewaves

    Elliewaves Untouchable internet saint

    +842
    Non-Denom
    Engaged
    Get married and see what happens!
     
  13. Blank123

    Blank123 Legend

    +3,445
    Catholic
    Married
    No attraction and no chemistry means no interest for me.

    put the zero attraction and chemistry together with your comment that you both `getting older`, and it sounds like you found a girl who is willing to show you some attention, and you`re ready to settle for a little to say you have something.
     
  14. Bristecom

    Bristecom ELITE MEMBER

    601
    +88
    Christian
    Single
    I know what you mean here. There was a girl who liked me that was like this and I basically told her straight up that was her problem. She claimed to be really interested in me but often ignored me and was a total space case. But even after I told her, she still didn't improve so I reassured her there was no chance for us to be together. LOL

    That's just something I am not willing to put up with. Sure nobody is perfect and some people may have their standards set too high, but personality/respect quirks like that are unacceptable to me.

    Come to think of it, seems like most people I meet these days are like that. Maybe it has something to do with this cell phone/communication generation. I mean, I love technology but I love other humans more so I naturally treat people with respect and attention when I'm around them. I just wish people would do the same for me...
     
  15. mercyfollowsme

    mercyfollowsme Newbie

    194
    +32
    Christian
    Single
    i think the problem is that i feel something but not the other way, like she is devoid of emotion, or it is so locked up that we face potentially lifelong issues.

    I dont really understand women, i just thought someone might come along and say...dont worry, its normal, or its ok, we had that to begin with and its fine.

    so dissapointing, i guess i was settling ....
     
  16. Bristecom

    Bristecom ELITE MEMBER

    601
    +88
    Christian
    Single
    I dunno man... I just think if someone really loves you, they're gonna want to talk to you and be around you every chance they get. You should be getting a continually positive vibe.

    Like I mentioned before, the girl who claimed to like me recently drove me nuts by ignoring me. Like I'd bring up topics and she'd ignore them and bring up her own random pointless topic instead. And if I didn't give her the ideal answer, she'd get upset. She's just so trapped in her own little world and apparently was never raised with manners. She really wants to get married but it seems like she is hardly even trying to improve herself so it's just like... you're never going to get married at this rate. Frankly, I can hardly even stand being her friend anymore so I can't imagine being married to her... *shivers*

    So yeah, don't do it man. If you aren't getting the right vibes from her but decide to marry her anyway, it could end up being the biggest mistake of your entire life. Sure, it'll suck to start over again but eventually you'll realize it was worth it.
     
  17. redblue22

    redblue22 You Are Special.

    +1,441
    United States
    Methodist
    Single
    US-Democrat

    You want her to talk with you, share feelings, listen, and take interest in your thoughts and feelings. That kind of interaction is important and holds meaning for you, but you don't believe she is offering all that. So, out of desire to not be alone and not have someone to connect with in life, you are considering staying with her.

    Is that what you are saying?


    .
     
  18. Tom White

    Tom White Member

    249
    +12
    Christian
    Single
    You're asking single people for advice on relationships?
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2013
  19. Motor City Christian

    Motor City Christian Senior Veteran

    +179
    Christian
    Single
    US-Libertarian
    I think it would be really funny if a guy did this to Taylor Swift. lol.
     
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