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Newly Wed NEED sex advice

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by GraceFaithShirl, Apr 20, 2020.

  1. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +16,569
    United States
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Others
    I don't know, but perhaps a history lesson in the sexual attitudes and understanding of the Apostles might help. They were Jews and Jewish tradition (evidenced in the Mishnah and the first century marriage contracts) was that sex was a WIFE'S right and a husband's responsibility. The contracts spelled out the frequency of satisfaction she should expect; depending on his vocation. If it was not too physically demanding, it was DAILY. Court records from the late 2nd temple period show that women often sought rabbinic court orders for him to change jobs so she could have more sex.
     
  2. grace4ever

    grace4ever New Member

    70
    +24
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice. Let me tell you my sister in Christ that you are valuable, important and a person worth of dignity. Have you ever heard that when people get married, they bring their own ‘baggage’? That does mean that they bring wounds from their own family. It is understandable the way what you feel. In regards to your marriage, you’re not alone in this battle, this type of problem happens in some marriages, regardless of age. From what you described before marriage, it seems that marriage, as a commitment has put great fear into your husband. Also, it seems that he seems to have an addiction to video games. But please can you explain to us, has he always been addicted to, or spends much time with video games? Did he also interact with others very much with video games while you both were dating or did the access to video games increase after you got married? Have you observed what type of friends he has, either male or female? He may have wounds from his childhood that affects his behavior today towards you. Do you think that he has ED and he is afraid that he will not perform when he has intimacy with you, that could be a good indication why he is avoiding you? Have you ever thought or are you noticing some inclination to same sex attraction? I ask you these questions because you are his wife and you know better him because you live with him. Please, do not feel discourage! I encourage you to pray from the bottom of your heart and ask God that your DH can be sincere with you and find the right moment to talk with him so both of you can open up to each other without being judgmental. Your DH maybe does not tell you the truth yet, because he is afraid that if he decides to tell you, you will reject him. I hope that this doesn’t happen. As Christians we are called to see our spouse with respect, love and mercy. Have you thought of forgiving your DH, situations and yourself? Forgiveness does not mean that he was doing is right. It means that you do not judge him but you will understand him. It is the first step of healing and change. It will restore your joy and peace. Remember that the enemy wants that you do not accept your DH and you do not forgive him. You are calling to live in these moments the ‘marriage vows’ in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health. After he tells you what’s going on, then I encourage you seek help outside the marriage, such as: marriage counseling or therapy. Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your DH are worthy of fighting for. Brave couples are those who seek for help outside the marriage. Please do not give up! Hang in there! This may be could be a challenge that can strength your relationship and you can help each other to overcome and heal these wounds. I hope this helps. Sending you lots of hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, sister in Christ.
     
  3. grace4ever

    grace4ever New Member

    70
    +24
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice. Let me tell you my sister in Christ that you are valuable, important and a person worth of dignity. Have you ever heard that when people get married, they bring their own ‘baggage’? That does mean that they bring wounds from their own family. It is understandable the way what you feel. In regards to your marriage, you’re not alone in this battle, this type of problem happens in some marriages, regardless of age. From what you described before marriage, it seems that marriage, as a commitment has put great fear into your husband. Also, it seems that he seems to have an addiction to video games. But please can you explain to us, has he always been addicted to, or spends much time with video games? Did he also interact with others very much with video games while you both were dating or did the access to video games increase after you got married? Have you observed what type of friends he has, either male or female? He may have wounds from his childhood that affects his behavior today towards you. Do you think that he has ED and he is afraid that he will not perform when he has intimacy with you, that could be a good indication why he is avoiding you? Have you ever thought or are you noticing some inclination to same sex attraction? I ask you these questions because you are his wife and you know better him because you live with him. Please, do not feel discourage! I encourage you to pray from the bottom of your heart and ask God that your DH can be sincere with you and find the right moment to talk with him so both of you can open up to each other without being judgmental. Your DH maybe does not tell you the truth yet, because he is afraid that if he decides to tell you, you will reject him. I hope that this doesn’t happen. As Christians we are called to see our spouse with respect, love and mercy. Have you thought of forgiving your DH, situations and yourself? Forgiveness does not mean that he was doing is right. It means that you do not judge him but you will understand him. It is the first step of healing and change. It will restore your joy and peace. Remember that the enemy wants that you do not accept your DH and you do not forgive him. You are calling to live in these moments the ‘marriage vows’ in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health. After he tells you what’s going on, then I encourage you seek help outside the marriage, such as: marriage counseling or therapy. Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your DH are worthy of fighting for. Brave couples are those who seek for help outside the marriage. Please do not give up! Hang in there! This may be could be a challenge that can strength your relationship and you can help each other to overcome and heal these wounds. I hope this helps. Sending you lots of hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, sister in Christ.
     
  4. grace4ever

    grace4ever New Member

    70
    +24
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice. Let me tell you my sister in Christ that you are valuable, important and a person worth of dignity. Have you ever heard that when people get married, they bring their own ‘baggage’? That does mean that they bring wounds from their own family. It is understandable the way what you feel. In regards to your marriage, you’re not alone in this battle, this type of problem happens in some marriages, regardless of age. From what you described before marriage, it seems that marriage, as a commitment has put great fear into your husband. Also, it seems that he seems to have an addiction to video games. But please can you explain to us, has he always been addicted to, or spends much time with video games? Did he also interact with others very much with video games while you both were dating or did the access to video games increase after you got married? Have you observed what type of friends he has, either male or female? He may have wounds from his childhood that affects his behavior today towards you. Do you think that he has ED and he is afraid that he will not perform when he has intimacy with you, that could be a good indication why he is avoiding you? Have you ever thought or are you noticing some inclination to same sex attraction? I ask you these questions because you are his wife and you know better him because you live with him. Please, do not feel discourage! I encourage you to pray from the bottom of your heart and ask God that your DH can be sincere with you and find the right moment to talk with him so both of you can open up to each other without being judgmental. Your DH maybe does not tell you the truth yet, because he is afraid that if he decides to tell you, you will reject him. I hope that this doesn’t happen. As Christians we are called to see our spouse with respect, love and mercy. Have you thought of forgiving your DH, situations and yourself? Forgiveness does not mean that he was doing is right. It means that you do not judge him but you will understand him. It is the first step of healing and change. It will restore your joy and peace. Remember that the enemy wants that you do not accept your DH and you do not forgive him. You are calling to live in these moments the ‘marriage vows’ in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health. After he tells you what’s going on, then I encourage you seek help outside the marriage, such as: marriage counseling or therapy. Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your DH are worthy of fighting for. Brave couples are those who seek for help outside the marriage. Please do not give up! Hang in there! This may be could be a challenge that can strength your relationship and you can help each other to overcome and heal these wounds. I hope this helps. Sending you lots of hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, sister in Christ.
     
  5. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +3,167
    Christian
    Married
    Apologize if I missed if you were asked this already but...

    Has he ever had (or currently have) a porn addiction? Porn REALLY messes with someones mind. Sometimes a person will see sex as a goal. He married you, got sex, then got bored. Because porn makes you want "new" all the time. If he isn't into porn/used to be, then I'd question if he just married you because he just wanted to have sex with you to enjoy it. Especially since you said he was very hands on before the marrige. All to often men do anything to have sex with someone, then leave them after awhile because they are bored. Not saying this is him or anything. But just going by what many couples have talked about before.

    Or maybe none of this is the case and he really thought sex waws going to be something more and now that he has had it, he's let down by it. Reality is sex is not perfect, its not always great. But thats just part of being married. Sex should still happen. It strengthens the bond in a way that nothing else can. If sex is left alone then next thing you know the love starts to die too. You already know the feeling because you feel rejected. Which will probably make you anxiety worse. Or, sadly, make any attempt at sex not work out because you're to hurt. There is always the case of cheating, but you really didn't point out any red flags for that so I doubt thats it.

    Also him making excuses about not having sex is just that... excuses. Selfishness on his part. I mean I realize work is hard and there are some things that would call for "no sex right now", such as a womans period. But the list of reasons why one is not having sex should be pretty short.

    I'd get counseling.
     
  6. createdtoworship

    createdtoworship In the grip of grace

    +1,707
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I would ask to look at his phone. Open his social media. See if he follows a bunch of hot women, see if he has porn on his computer history, or open browser history on his phone. But don't tell you are doing it. (well ask him first if he is into porn), if he hesitates when responding, you may need to do investigating. Porn ruins sex in marriage and is actually a leading cause of erectile disfunction in young men.
     
  7. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +4,342
    Christian
    Married
    Have things improved? Did you get any counseling help?


    This is a checklist from previous such discussions here that can help think through possibilities.

    -Abuse
    -Anxiety about sex
    -Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
    - Child birth (late pregnancy, immediately after child birth, nursing, etc. can all play a role, fear of child birth)
    -Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
    -Drugs, prescription or otherwise
    -Erection difficulty
    -Guilt over previous sexual activity
    -Hormone levels
    -Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
    - Lack of attraction
    - Lack of sleep
    - Lack of nutrition
    - Mental Health (depression, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, etc.)
    - Never had drive
    - Obesity (impact on libido, also body image)
    -Pain during sex
    - Physical damage to mechanism
    -Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
    - Pornography
    -Premature ejaculation
    -Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
    - Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage (cheating, or excessive masturbation, etc.)
    -Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
    -Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
    - Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive


    Since you think that affairs, pornography, ED, etc. are unlikely then their might be more relational or underlying emotional or spiritual issues. This is especially likely since there was a sudden change in attitude at marriage, and at the honeymoon.

    in your first post you mentioned mistakes in the past. These appear to have been on his part? From what you have said so far it sounds like guilt may play a role. That could be a feeling he was never forgiven by God. Or it could be that he developed poor ways of thinking about sex and arousal, or even specific sexual acts and feels those are not appropriate in marriage. Or, as others have mentioned some may be more excited by forbidden things.

    Some aspects that are troubling though, are that he does not want to talk about it and becomes upset. His blaming the conversation on your anxiety is a way to avoid the conversation.

    If guilt or psychological issues are fueling this then you really need to get that resolved both for your relationship, but also for his spiritual life. If he is in constant self-condemnation, he might need to have someone walk him through the purpose of guilt and repentance, and mercy.

    Also, since you are now reducing other physical contact, experiencing rejection, etc. you need to talk to also watch out regarding resentment, and pray through that.

    How is your relationship apart from this?

    How are both of you doing spiritually?
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2020
  8. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +4,342
    Christian
    Married
    It is understandable that you want that connection, and rejection feels like rejection of you and the relationship.

    However, if he is stating that he felt you always wanted sex, that is feedback on what he is thinking, apart from how you process it.

    When you mentioned problems during the honeymoon, was it that he had no interest from the first moment? Or was it that there was some interest, just not the passion you expected? Did you expect sex multiple times a day during the honeymoon and he did not want that? Did he have much drive in the first few months?

    It is possible that he has a lower drive in general? Many couples deal with this issue. If he felt pressured he may have started to resent it, or shut down seeing it as a demand.

    You mentioned you have to initiate (which you would rather not always have to, which is understandable). Has he ever initiated? When he does is he direct or round about?

    You also referenced how you would notice his morning erection and comment that you would help. A few things on that. Night erections are natural, and in this case as you mentioned, a good sign things are physically working. However, morning erections may or may not be sexual, or sometimes even pleasant. If he has to urinate it can even be painful. If he has had to urinate for some time while sleeping he may have had the erection for some duration and even if he did then urinate there may be a refractory period before he could obtain an erection again.

    Also, a lot of men would probably appreciate their wife pointing out erections and offering to help, but he may see this as a demand.

    I realize on your part it is not a demand. You just long for connection and sex, and that is natural. But if there is a pattern where he perceives demand, that can build resentment, and counseling is likely necessary to work through a more healthy pattern before things improve.
     
  9. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +4,342
    Christian
    Married
    I realize this is mostly about the feeling of rejection and trying to understand how he could be so disinterested. However, does he play video games a large amount, with signs of addiction?

    How is his motivation generally? Is he ever depressed?

    Is he doing well in other areas of life (career, social life, etc.?)
     
  10. JohnDB

    JohnDB Regular Member

    +1,250
    Christian
    Married
    Good grief...
    The problem likely isn't anything as serious as what some are suggesting...

    Healthy 20-something guys aren't all libido.
    The guy is a Christian after all...and a firefighter...he likes being the good guy.

    And guys aren't that deceitful or complicated when they are young.
    And likely the problem stems from the OP's attitude towards her husband in some respect coupled with his anxiety towards sex itself.

    Look...
    Just focus on the way you talk to him. It's ok to verbalize that he is your hero and how he accomplishes that. Don't pick at nits...it affects guys a lot more than what you would think. By the time you are on your fourth emotion he is just beginning to own his first...
    (That's just guy's hardwiring)

    You can't share every emotion as you have them...guys can't keep up and gloss or average them together.
    Get tasks that the two of you can focus on together...ones that rely upon him and you together and then give him praise for his contributions.
    And don't be so "easy" for your husband...not suggesting that you deny him...but guys like a challenge. Thrill of the hunt and all that jazz.

    The video games are just a means of escape from an emotionally charged confrontation. It's not rejection...he just doesn't feel safe in those situations. You can help that without being a dork about it or treating him like a dork.
    The shortest distance between you and your goals is not a straight line... quit being a raging bull... you will get what you want then.
     
  11. Carl Emerson

    Carl Emerson Well-Known Member

    +5,945
    New Zealand
    Christian
    Married
    I waited four years for a physically incompatible marriage of seven years - she was looking for others after six months.

    She ended up living with my best friend.

    We were young and there was little council in those days.

    She filed for divorce.

    I waited ten years for the right lady who has been my wife 35 years.

    I would never recommend fornication before marriage - God knows best despite the temptations.

    It boils down to if we believe what He has said is best for us.

    As for me and my house - we will serve the Lord.
     
  12. CrushedMan

    CrushedMan New Member

    8
    +28
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Married
    Sorry that you are going through this. I've been through similar issues.

    Sex doesn't come naturally to all people, particularly Christians. We are often repressed and used to thinking about sex in a very negative way. Talking about it together is a start, but often we hide our true thoughts and feelings about sex because we are ashamed to reveal our base desires.

    I strongly urge you both to go to a qualified Christian marriage counsellor as soon as possible, and get the help and support you need to work through this. God bless you both!
     
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