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Newly Wed NEED sex advice

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by GraceFaithShirl, Apr 20, 2020.

  1. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Hello all, thank you for coming to help me... My husband and I got married 9 months ago and our sex life leaves me feeling completely undesirable and of no value... we both grew up non denominational Christians. I waited for him, he didn’t. Before we got married it was a struggle keeping him from taking my clothes off if we were ever alone. But the minute we got married, even on our honeymoon he seemed to lose complete interest in sex and has been a huge struggle for me. He’s given me MANY excuses, work makes me too tired, I struggle being reminded I messed up in the past(not by me at all!!), you don’t keep the house clean enough and that makes me biologically unattractived to having sex in fear you’d raise kid to be messy, to the most recent after I changed my cleaning ways- you don’t give me enough space to want to be with you. I feel constantly of no value, rejected... I worked on my body for a year starving and praying and working myself all for my husband to have the best version of me and it was all for nothing. I’m not wanting everyday ... although I could I just wanted ( as a brand new newly wed during honeymoon ) more than once everY week and half or so , and now we are close to once every month and it’s always me giving in and initiating.... I feel constant rejection. I hardly give him my physical contact anymore since the last excuse and he gives me more hugs and cuddles now but it’s been another 2 weeks and no change on the sexual horizon... I’m just constantly praying for his heart and our marriage and loving him
    As I can but I desperately desire that one-ness with my husband. We are only in our early-mid 20’s I tried asking him why our sex life is the way it is but he only gets offended I’m asking and so we haven’t talked about it in 6 months... we used to talk about how wonderful that part of our life would be. I never imagined my husband on our honeymoon finding new games to download on his phone and gorging himself while I stood in front of him in lingerie without any interest or desire. I feel myself asking why I waited? Why am I not good enough to desire? What happened to the man who just couldn’t wait to have me?
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Tolworth John

    Tolworth John Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,674
    United Kingdom
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I am sorry that things are physically awkward between you and your husband!
    Let me reassure you of one thing. This 'problem' has nothing to do with you, how you look, how you clean, cook etc etc.
    It is all to do with your husband.

    You have tried to talk and he gets offended is an indication that he knows the problem is with him.

    I am afraid you are going to have to talk to him about this.
    But when you raise the issue you have to tell him either the two of you talk openly and honestly about the lack of sex in your marriage or you are going to your pastor for him to talk to your husband about going to see a doctor.

    If he will not talk to you, txt,cemail, message, what ever system you have the same message and give him some time to respond.

    Be prepared for silks, tantrums as he realises you mean business.
     
  3. Larnievc

    Larnievc Well-Known Member

    +4,078
    Atheist
    Married
    UK-Labour
    How long did you know him before you married him?
     
  4. Mountainmanbob

    Mountainmanbob Goat Whisperer Supporter

    +10,723
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
    US-Republican
    He should get a doctor's appointment.
    Maybe more than one doctor.

    A little pill
    can prove in many cases
    to be a jump starter.
    Doctor prescribed only.

    M
     
  5. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Thank you so much for replying! I really appreciate your message and all it’s content! I also appreciate your reassurances... I have struggled with anxiety in my past and he has never really recovered from not knowing how to help me with anxiety. So even though it’s been a long time and I am overly chill with life now and we’ve talked so much about how we can talk like we used to and axiety doesn’t rule that anymore. When we do talk he just takes it as my anxiety even though I bring it to the table very chill, and calm without any accusations just questions on how I could make it better as to not put him under the microscope to begin with and it still doesn’t work.... with that in mind do you still think I should approach it as you previous recommended?? Again thank you!!
     
  6. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    We knew each other for 2 1/2
    Years before getting married :)
     
  7. coffee4u

    coffee4u Well-Known Member

    +2,018
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    A few things come to mind, please don't be offended. I hope none of these is the case.

    You said he didn't wait, how sexually active was he and could he possibly have some kind of STD?
    Could he possibly be watching pornography?
    Does have some other kind of male issues like erectile dysfunction?
    Could he possibly be cheating on you? (pornography is also cheating)
    Could he be gay?
     
  8. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    no problem these are real concerns I understand!!!
    I struggled for a long time about if he was cheating on me, every relationship he was in before me he stayed faithful and they cheated on him. He expressed how he knows the pain it inflicts and guaranteed I would never have to worry about that and I believe he isn’t, he’s always home if he’s not working (Works with only men) and I have checked his phone a few times and he has nothing on it to insinuate any even flirting at all. As far as if he is gay, no I also believe he is not, he loves his friends but that has never been something I’ve worried about gotten vibes about or had evidence to consider it.
    As far as erectile dysfunction, no he will wake up pitching a tent and I’ll ask him (I’ve stopped for a while now) if I could fix that and he says no almost every time, and has no trouble with it when I initiate. Only when he’s very drunk is it an issue.

    STD, he was tested when he did his firefighter entrance blood work right after we met and I asked him then and his results came up negative.
    He is very against porn, and our house is just 2 rooms and he’s very open at all times so I can always see what he’s watching and the most R rated is when he has like rapping music videos on but he’s barely watching. . . To answer all your questions! Thank you for asking them!
     
  9. Carl Emerson

    Carl Emerson Well-Known Member

    +5,945
    New Zealand
    Christian
    Married
    Sounds like he may have a problem with lust.

    Lust is fuelled by what one cant have.

    Did you get some pre-marriage counsel?

    Sounds like He doesn't love you - I mean real Agape love...

    Forgive me if I am wrong...
     
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  10. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I have often wondered if he isn’t interested anymore because it’s not something that’s supppsed to be out of reach and has become part of marriage expectation.

    as far as love, as a man yourself I trust you see the situation from that perspective and trust that opinion. I would love it if you might expound on that statement more? Thank you so much.
     
  11. coffee4u

    coffee4u Well-Known Member

    +2,018
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    It's good at least it is none of those things.

    It really does only leave the fact he only wants the unattainable. The fact that he was even disinterested on your wedding night speaks to that as well.

    He has to want it to change and you both need to go to Christian marriage counselling together. I have no ideas how you can make that happen apart from praying about it. It isn't you though, it's him. This is his problem and it isn't caused by how you look, nor to do with housework or anything else like that, those are his excuses.
     
  12. Favoredclay

    Favoredclay New Member

    59
    +49
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    To me it is simple, you are unevenly yoked in your marriage. You should seek counseling. In my opinion, you will have to accept the sex issue and be happy in the other things you do together or your in danger of a broken marriage. Pray for him and love him. Something tells me there was warning signs before you were married. Success in marriage requires sacrifice from both.

    Please don't be offended, but we are only hearing one side of this story and that makes it hard to advise. That is why counseling together is in order. I think there's more to this than just sex.
     
  13. Carl Emerson

    Carl Emerson Well-Known Member

    +5,945
    New Zealand
    Christian
    Married
    OK - Lust doesn't magically disappear and become Love when you marry.

    I wouldn't be surprised if he is being troubled by an unclean spirit. I would hope that any Pastor you get counsel from is capable of dealing with that. He would need to confess repent and renounce first.

    Seduction is likely a component as well.

    Both of these motivations have no respect for the partner as they are about self gratification.

    I hope he is a believer - someone suggested an unequal yoke - this may be the case. I would ask about how his walk started if I was his counsellor, to get a sense of if He is truely born again.

    Sorry to hear about your struggle.
     
  14. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +16,569
    United States
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Others
    Did you guys have any kind of premarital counseling?
    If so - did it include discussing sexual issues?
     
  15. Tolworth John

    Tolworth John Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,674
    United Kingdom
    Non-Denom
    Married
    The reason you are talking is not to express feelings but to find a solution to a problem.
    If just the two of you talking does not lead to him suggesting how this can be resolved, make an appointment with your minister for you both to talk with him and may be his wife about this problem.

    When my wife and I were talking about marriage, we found we avoided talking about some issues, but when with our minister going through a marriage preparation course he would not let us avoid these issues.
    A third party who already knows what the issue is, will keep the conversation on track.

    Be blunt and ask him." I have raised an issue about sex. How do you proposed to resolve it?"

    If it goes no where talk to your minister and make the appointment.
     
  16. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Absolutely I understand that marriage requires a daily dying to self. If this is just who he is and the pre martial him was just a show then I love him so much I would absolutely live with it. I just want the answers because at this point he’s led me to believe that it isn’t him and that he’s much more sexual in nature and his purposely holding back.

    He is a believer, we were both born and raised in Calvary Chapel churches. He accepted Christ as a kid, but then again when he was older due to a best friend passing away that he felt responsible for. He is very private with his walk where as I am very open. Don’t get me wrong though he will share Jesus with anyone he can, just midst his working on himself he doesn’t like to accept help from anyone else (that is also an issue he faces). But I went to bible college and did keep a more... Christian visible life ... I guess you could say. For more than him, his path took him down some darker uglier paths than mine did but the fact he came out those paths to where he did is a beautiful thing. He’s a very mans man, doesn’t like to surface talk about sensitive things. But give him a little whiskey and he’ll open up.
     
  17. GraceFaithShirl

    GraceFaithShirl New Member

    8
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Yes I agree! And right at the begin, he felt all I wanted was sex, but I would keep explaining that more than once every two weeks was just me wanting that time of us together as one loving each other. Not whenever I wanted because each night I hoped and waited for him to want that too so it’s not just on my sexual fleshes timing if I wrote that to make sense at all.

    and he is a believer, he’s walked a different path than me but he is.
     
  18. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,415
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    It is likely he is receiving sexual fulfillment somewhere else, either from porn or from an affair.
     
  19. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +16,569
    United States
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Others
    While that may be a possibility, I would not not jump to that conclusion so fast, esp the affair part.
     
  20. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +16,569
    United States
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Others
    I had the same thought. The idea of something being forbidden was what attracted him. Now that he has it, the desire for the forbidden is lost.

    IF That is the problem, it is a psychological issue that needs to be addressed by a professional.

    Did you guys have premarital counseling? Did you guys talk any about sexual things before you got married, Like what turned you on or off, how often you masturbated, etc?
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
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