New Step Father need Transition Help

[MrCountryCajun]

My wife and I got married a month ago and we just moved into our new house. She has an 11 year old son. They were previously living with her mother. My wife's mother pretty much raised him because my wife was working. The problem is, his grandmother babied him, let him get away with whatever he wanted, gave him what he wanted, she dressed him, and she even did his homework for her. So as you can see, it was a very toxic environment.

So now he is living with us. He has known me for over a year and a half and we have a great relationship. Last night was the first night we slept together as a family. He was up all night crying because he wants to move back in with his grandmother. She is also texting him telling him lies about me that I am not going to let him see her, that I'm taking her away from him, that only she can take care of him.

It is really hard on us because we want to be a family so bad and know this is what is best for him. All he talks about is wanting to move back in with her, and wanting to go spend time with her. Thing about that is, if he goes over there, he won't want to come back with us and my wife's dad has a history of violence. They don't want me to go to their house because they don't like me because I am preventing them from abusing and taking advantage of my wife.

I know I am rambling but I am at my wits end. I really don't know what to do at this point. It is a fine line between letting him vent and heal and get adjusted from living with us, but don't want him going back over there because of the toxic environment and the violent tendencies.

 

[~Zao~]

My wife and I got married a month ago and we just moved into our new house. She has an 11 year old son. They were previously living with her mother. My wife's mother pretty much raised him because my wife was working. The problem is, his grandmother babied him, let him get away with whatever he wanted, gave him what he wanted, she dressed him, and she even did his homework for her. So as you can see, it was a very toxic environment.

So now he is living with us. He has known me for over a year and a half and we have a great relationship. Last night was the first night we slept together as a family. He was up all night crying because he wants to move back in with his grandmother. She is also texting him telling him lies about me that I am not going to let him see her, that I'm taking her away from him, that only she can take care of him.

It is really hard on us because we want to be a family so bad and know this is what is best for him. All he talks about is wanting to move back in with her, and wanting to go spend time with her. Thing about that is, if he goes over there, he won't want to come back with us and my wife's dad has a history of violence. They don't want me to go to their house because they don't like me because I am preventing them from abusing and taking advantage of my wife.

I know I am rambling but I am at my wits end. I really don't know what to do at this point. It is a fine line between letting him vent and heal and get adjusted from living with us, but don't want him going back over there because of the toxic environment and the violent tendencies.

A family that prays together stay together. Humbly giving it over to God is the best advise and I don’t think it hurts for him to be aware of what your going thru either w/o taking the road of dismissing the grandparents as useful for his life. They have gained much in him and he needs to see what is being replaced.

 

[Tolworth John]

It sounds like a nasty situation.
I think that you and your wife have to sit down and talk this through, as you both have to sing from the same humn sheet to her parents and to her son.

Once you've sorted what the house rules are you have to inform your step son. Do this together so he can see you are united on this.

Your wife will have to make the first responce to her mother. Telling her to stop telling lies and causing trouble in your family.
As for visiting, initaly you visit as a family, if they don't want you, they don't get anyone.

As has been suggested already attend church together.

 

[JAM2b]

I think it is important that your wife breaks off contact with her family unless this becomes resolved. It is important for her to do this so that the effort sticks and her son sees this is what his mother thinks is best. My sons and I went through this very thing with my family. It escalated to me having to move away from the area completely. I have only resumed contact with one family member since then and even that is very guarded and well controlled.

I'd block grandma's number from his phone or take it from him completely.. or change his number or something. He is being emotionally abused by her and manipulated. The ability to communicate between the two of them needs to be shut down. I would start documenting this right now, and if she finds ways to work around that, I'd report her to the authorities for harassment and emotional abuse.

Get your household into family therapy as soon as possible. The crying will eventually stop. You guys have got to dig your heals in and not back down though. Be gentle with the boy, but be extremely firm in your resolution.

When I was going through similar things with lying from my ex, in a situation where I could not block him out of our children's lives, I would combat the lies by asking my son questions that would get him to think critically about what was being told to him.

As an example, my ex told my son that I didn't care enough about him to pay for his school lunches. The truth is that I made him a lunch or gave him money daily, depending on what he wanted. My ex had him on a school night and was told that he would have to make our son a lunch or give him money. It made my ex angry that he had to do that because he preferred to pay up for a whole month of lunches at once and not have to think about it for a while. So his retaliation was to tell my son that I didn't care enough about him to make sure he had his lunches paid. My son came home angry and yelling at me about it, for not caring if he got a lunch or not.

I asked my son these questions:
When you buy your lunch at school, who gives you money for it? answer: "you do."
When you take your lunch, who makes it for you? answer: "you do."
Have you ever been hungry at school because you didn't get a lunch? answer: "no."
Then I'd follow up by telling him that when people say things, he needs to think about what he knows, what he sees, what he hears, and what he is actually experiencing with others. If he still believed what he was told, he needed to ask questions to the person being talked about to see if there is a different explanation.