Im struggling. I still call myself a Christian, but my beliefs no longer resemble anything similar to the Christians Ive known in my life. I wonder if I should drop the label but the fact that I am a believer of an all powerful and wonderfully good God and follower of Jesus remains.
My beliefs began to change when I became a parent. I believe in gentle and respectful parenting. I believe that I should do unto my children as I would want done to me. I am responsive, to the point of getting up 6 times a night with them. I hold them a lot, sleep with them often. Comfort them always. I answer their questions, and I value their perspectives. I do not spank. I discipline by coaching and supporting their explorations, and imposing limits with their safety in mind. They listen because they love and trust me. We are very attached to each other.
My approach to parenting has caused me to challenge my assumptions about the nature of God and Gods relationship with us as children. I am overwhelmed by the love, devotion, attention, responsiveness, patience, and care that our heavenly parent MUST feel if God is truly good. But these beliefs run counter to the beliefs about obedience and punishment that I was raised to take for granted in church, and in my family of origin.
The next phase in my struggles began about a year ago when I started to feel vaguely left out of the loop because of my gender. I dont know how to explain this well but the lack of feminine influence in the history of the church became painful to me. References to mankind in the bible and in hymns began to sting me. Soon, references to God as being exclusively male in nature began to feel painful too. These references center on words like father and son and I have no reflection in those images. Christian put-downs of traditionally feminine characteristics began to make me feel that I have no place in this faith. Christianity is patriarchal. It relies on systems of power and authority, instead of the systems of connection, trust, interdependency and relatedness that work better for me in daily life. It doesnt seem that I, as a woman, have any real role to play or any real connection to the Christian God. (I dont know if this is sensible. Im trying very hard.)
When I close my eyes and try to envision God as feminine my perceptions of God changes so radically. Possessiveness transforms into protectiveness. Control transforms into empowerment. But no Christian I have ever known worships a feminine God. A female god would be seen as less than. So, what does that say about me as a woman?
I am growing less certain of so many doctrines and beliefs that I took for granted as a younger person. My answers to questions about what is sin, and what is not, who goes to heaven, who is saved, etc. are now usually I dont know. I no longer see the bible in the same way that I did. I dont reject it, but I DO question traditionally interpretations of much of it. And I am beginning to see inspiration and the hand of the Deity in so many mundane everyday things all around me. Mud on my childrens faces. People doing their jobs well. Satisfying food and sleep. Acts of peace and kindness.
I dont know what is happening to me. My faith is morphing into a shape that does not fit the Christian mold. Cant be contained by a book or a doctrine. Where once I felt I knew all the rules, walked a straight and narrow path, and did not waver in my beliefs I now feel a growing sense of tolerance for diversity in beliefs (even admiration and respect for it) and an overwhelming sense that God has laid before us MANY different good choices in life. So many people in my life would call me a heretic if they knew the thoughts that are going on in my head. I am frightened of loosing God. I am frightened of being wrong, or going off the deep end. My husband sees me going off in my own direction, as he puts it. He is worried about me, and misses my presence in church, where I no longer feel remotely comfortable being. But how can I control the shape of truth in my life? How can I pay lip service to things that no longer ring true in my heart? Things that strike me as dangerous. Sigh. I dont know what to do with myself. But I dont know how long I can continue with this feeling of restlessness and displacement.
My beliefs began to change when I became a parent. I believe in gentle and respectful parenting. I believe that I should do unto my children as I would want done to me. I am responsive, to the point of getting up 6 times a night with them. I hold them a lot, sleep with them often. Comfort them always. I answer their questions, and I value their perspectives. I do not spank. I discipline by coaching and supporting their explorations, and imposing limits with their safety in mind. They listen because they love and trust me. We are very attached to each other.
My approach to parenting has caused me to challenge my assumptions about the nature of God and Gods relationship with us as children. I am overwhelmed by the love, devotion, attention, responsiveness, patience, and care that our heavenly parent MUST feel if God is truly good. But these beliefs run counter to the beliefs about obedience and punishment that I was raised to take for granted in church, and in my family of origin.
The next phase in my struggles began about a year ago when I started to feel vaguely left out of the loop because of my gender. I dont know how to explain this well but the lack of feminine influence in the history of the church became painful to me. References to mankind in the bible and in hymns began to sting me. Soon, references to God as being exclusively male in nature began to feel painful too. These references center on words like father and son and I have no reflection in those images. Christian put-downs of traditionally feminine characteristics began to make me feel that I have no place in this faith. Christianity is patriarchal. It relies on systems of power and authority, instead of the systems of connection, trust, interdependency and relatedness that work better for me in daily life. It doesnt seem that I, as a woman, have any real role to play or any real connection to the Christian God. (I dont know if this is sensible. Im trying very hard.)
When I close my eyes and try to envision God as feminine my perceptions of God changes so radically. Possessiveness transforms into protectiveness. Control transforms into empowerment. But no Christian I have ever known worships a feminine God. A female god would be seen as less than. So, what does that say about me as a woman?
I am growing less certain of so many doctrines and beliefs that I took for granted as a younger person. My answers to questions about what is sin, and what is not, who goes to heaven, who is saved, etc. are now usually I dont know. I no longer see the bible in the same way that I did. I dont reject it, but I DO question traditionally interpretations of much of it. And I am beginning to see inspiration and the hand of the Deity in so many mundane everyday things all around me. Mud on my childrens faces. People doing their jobs well. Satisfying food and sleep. Acts of peace and kindness.
I dont know what is happening to me. My faith is morphing into a shape that does not fit the Christian mold. Cant be contained by a book or a doctrine. Where once I felt I knew all the rules, walked a straight and narrow path, and did not waver in my beliefs I now feel a growing sense of tolerance for diversity in beliefs (even admiration and respect for it) and an overwhelming sense that God has laid before us MANY different good choices in life. So many people in my life would call me a heretic if they knew the thoughts that are going on in my head. I am frightened of loosing God. I am frightened of being wrong, or going off the deep end. My husband sees me going off in my own direction, as he puts it. He is worried about me, and misses my presence in church, where I no longer feel remotely comfortable being. But how can I control the shape of truth in my life? How can I pay lip service to things that no longer ring true in my heart? Things that strike me as dangerous. Sigh. I dont know what to do with myself. But I dont know how long I can continue with this feeling of restlessness and displacement.