need to have a conversation with my "ex"

[Alenci]

I'll provide what background to the question I can, though I don't know if it will help much.

This summer my boyfriend broke up with me, telling me it was too early for him to be in a relationship because he didn't intend to get married anytime soon. We'd been in a pretty low-key dating situation, more like a friendship for most of the duration, for about six months after meeting. We weren't sure about being in a relationship, but we decided to be in one after those six months. That lasted almost three months until he broke up with me. He was very considerate in doing so. He said he wanted to just keep it a friendship. Things were a little awkward for a bit, but then they straightened out again and we had a good friendship thing going... until the church retreat this past weekend when he was flirting with me a little. It's almost two and a half months since he broke up with me.


Later I told him we needed to have a conversation, but I haven't set the date yet. I don't even know what to say. I've been putting off having a conversation for weeks because I didn't want to bother him. But I'm fed up with being confused. Should I have just ignored the fact that he's been increasingly friendly these past few weeks? Or should I try to explain the discrepancy in his words and his actions and how it makes me feel? Should I ask him how I can be more respectful of his wishes? (I feel like I've occasionally put him in the position of having to ignore or deal with my wanting to eat with him or walk somewhere with him or talk to him or flirt. I'm crazy about him as always, but if he wants to keep it a friendship, I'm sure he must have a reason.)

There's this huge gulf in communication since he broke up with me. I see him and talk with him every day, but obviously not about the "us" topic. So the longer I wait, the harder it could be to bring it up at all.

But should I even BE bringing it up?

I'm praying for the right words, but Lord help me if I am not even supposed to mention it. It's my own fault if this all blows up in my face.

Advice or thoughts in general welcomed... I apologize for the disjointed explanation and subsequent vague, open-ended question.

 

[peanutbutter12]

You have every right to bring it up with him if it's messing with your emotions.

In your situation, you have a few choices:
He will need to stop the flirting (if he's even aware of what he's doing)
He will need to make a decision on where the relationship is going
or He will need to move along and exit stage right and not talk to you anymore.

Especially if it's having a negitive effect on you, then something needs to be done about it.

CJ

 

[Alenci]

It's not even that the flirting has been bad so far, because it certainly hasn't. It's just that I'm noticing a trend in his behavior and I'd like to head this issue off at the pass so to speak so I won't be really badly confused later on if he keeps it up. I wanted to ask him if he thought I was acting appropriately for a friendship anyway (but holding off from asking because it would be straining the friendship to admit any feelings). So I may as well incorporate both topics (his behavior and mine) into a general "where do we stand"-type conversation.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Sounds like you've answered your own question.

CJ

 

[Natz]

Sounds like you've answered your own question.

CJ

I agree.

I think you have a right to know where you really stand and now is the time.

Communication is key between friends. Set clear bounderies and stick to them. I found myself in a similar situation and at the end I was in a "relationship" by myself - Not pretty!

I think the conversation is necessary but ask God - if, when and what to say.

I hope all goes well. The final result may be hard to take now, but its better to deal with these issues now (possibly breaking off all communication) than 2 years down the line when you find yourself in love and alone - "Guard your heart!"

God loves you and has plans to prosper you - ask Him!

 

[shaslove]

you need boundries. guys sometimes have no clue what there attitude/actions may do to a girls heart...be clear and ask! i think it will do a lot for your heart to stay where it needs to be. i have been there!

 

[Alenci]

I've been asking God when to have this conversation for the past month or so. But what I feel I need to discuss changes as our situation changes. So I have no idea on the appropriate words or timing.

But everyone to whom I've gone for advice has encouraged me to go ahead and have the conversation. And I'm certain he'd want me to talk to him if I were feeling confused. I never felt particularly convicted about it, but I hope I'm doing the right thing in taking the initiative to start a dialogue.

 

[squeakyclean1]

It sounds like you really need to talk to him. Cause right now your options are basically
1. Talk to him about it
2. Be wondering if you should or shouldn't.

there's no reason not to. The sooner, the better.

 

[Alenci]

As I mentioned, I told him yesterday I wanted to have a conversation at some point in the future but didn't give a date (I was worried about getting some exams out of the way first in case the conversation brought my spirits down and I wouldn't be able to study). He said I'd have to be the one to bring it up and that he'd probably forget until then. I took what he said at face value. But today by a series of coincidences I wound up walking back to my dorm with him, and he asked me right before we parted if I was going to talk about it. I was confused and quoted him that I would have to be the one to bring it up because he wasn't going to do so. I repeated, too, that he said he was going to forget about it. He turned to me and said, in a direct manner, "It hasn't left my head."

What's going on?! I feel bad that I told him about it so early if it's going to be bothering him! I may have to move the conversation forward before my exams, and that makes me uncomfortable.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Now that he's fretting about what you're going to say, you really should have a conversation. My suggestion would be to just tell him that his actions have confused you and you just want to be clear so that you can enjoy the friendship if that is all it is going to be.

When my ex-bf broke up with me and really broke my heart, we stayed in contact and at times I ran things past him to try to understand the why. During some of the conversations I, at times believed that he might be having second thoughts. I had a hard time trying to figure out if I should question him about it or just leave it all in his hands. I finally did ask him months later if he had peace with his decision and he answered very quickly that he did. I mean logically I should've known that if he wanted me back as a girlfriend bad enough, he would take the initiative. But love isn't logical.

 

[Inperfected]

Three words: Talk to him... soon.

Ok so that was four, but seriously, it's only breaking you up if you postpone it, and raising your hopes.