Need some advice and or opinions

[Beth S.]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I just recently married my husband in August and we have just found our first disagreement on family values I guess. I'm wanting others opinions please. From his previous marriage he had a step-son and they are still in touch, he's like close to 20 years old. Well, I have no problem with that nor do I have a problem with him being around us. I have three children from previous relationship. I have not met him yet. Well there was a certain thing going on at our work that we can buy a brick and have it laid on a sidewalk in our employer's garden. I mentioned I wanted to purchase one and have our family's names put on there. He then included his step-son from his previous marriage. I told him I don't feel comfortable with that since he's not "our family". He said he will always be considered his son to him. I just don't agree with that because he has a father who is very much involved and doesn't call my husband Dad or anything. He just asks him for help on things and such. He said he considers him his family still. I then told him I will not tell my children that he is their step brother or that he's his son because it's not true at all. Has anyone of you dealt with this? Am I in the wrong? I don't want to upset my husband but I just don't feel it's right to say he's part of "our family". By the way my husband has 3 sons of his own from a previous marriage. I feel bad but I feel very strong on how I feel as well. Help!

 

[Hazelelponi]

I am in my second marriage.. I have children and so does my husband from our former marriages. They are all adults..

My husbands son doesn't have a mom, his mom died of cancer so all the women in the family act in a mother's role toward him. And he is now as much my son as is my own son by blood.

My daughter was calling my husband dad before she died, but my son never will and that's okay too. They are great together and close.

Thing is, even with our mixed family we are toward one another the same as blood, maybe better.. You can't take those bonds, these ones formed, and think just because of death or divorce or anything else that will end. I can't imagine my husband dying and the relationship I have with his son just ending, he's my family, my son.

So if your husband sees his former step children as his own blood then it's to you to accept that, and be grateful he has such a heart since you want that love for your own children..

 

[Beth S.]

I like what you say here... positive way to look at it. I wonder if I'm jealous in some way? Not sure though. It was just odd to me to add him to our family brick when he's not around us at all nor do we consider him family since he isn't. IDK...still seems off to me. Like I"m glad he loves him and still communicates with him but it's not often and he never comes over.

If he sees his former step children as his own blood then it's to you to accept that, and be grateful he has such a heart since you want that love for your own children..[/QUOTE]

 

[mkgal1]

I will not tell my children that he is their step brother or that he's his son because it's not true at all. Has anyone of you dealt with this? Am I in the wrong? I don't want to upset my husband but I just don't feel it's right to say he's part of "our family".

I completely agree with what Hazelelponi posted.....it's great that your husband sees his stepson as his own son (even after the divorce). Love for a child shouldn't end and love doesn't have limitations (IOW.....there is enough to go around). I think it's also a good message to send to your own children - that your husband is steadfast in his love (I'd imagine that would offer them some security - and you as well). It's a great trait to have.

 

[Beth S.]

I completely agree with what Hazelelponi posted.....it's great that your husband sees his stepson as his own son (even after the divorce). Love for a child shouldn't end and love doesn't have limitations (IOW.....there is enough to go around). I think it's also a good message to send to your own children - that your husband is steadfast in his love (I'd imagine that would offer them some security - and you as well). It's a great trait to have.

So, I'm seeing that I'm in the wrong and my thinking is terribly off... yikes! How do I accept this then... like I have no issue if he wanted to come around our family etc. I guess I don't know how to handle this.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I like what you say here... positive way to look at it. I wonder if I'm jealous in some way? Not sure though. It was just odd to me to add him to our family brick when he's not around us at all nor do we consider him family since he isn't. IDK...still seems off to me. Like I"m glad he loves him and still communicates with him but it's not often and he never comes over.

If he sees his former step children as his own blood then it's to you to accept that, and be grateful he has such a heart since you want that love for your own children..

Ah I'm sure it's likely just a touch of jealousy on your part, either that or your worried on some level about how others will perceive you or your family, as you said it's your employers..

I wouldn't try and force him into not including the young man he wants to include though. As you said he doesn't speak to him often ect. so during those times he wants to include the boy's name then I'd simply not worry about it and let him..

Give yourself time for the mental aspect though, don't expect perfect acceptance overnight.. let it grow on you..

 

[Beth S.]

Ah I'm sure it's likely just a touch of jealousy on your part, either that or your worried on some level about how others will perceive you or your family, as you said it's your employers..

I wouldn't try and force him into not including the young man he wants to include though. As you said he doesn't speak to him often ect. so during those times he wants to include the boy's name then I'd simply not worry about it and let him..

Give yourself time for the mental aspect though, don't expect perfect acceptance overnight.. let it grow on you..

I guess also that this brick means a lot to me since we met here at work and became one family here so it means a lot to me and then he wanted to add his name just threw me off. *sigh*

 

[Hazelelponi]

So, I'm seeing that I'm in the wrong and my thinking is terribly off... yikes! How do I accept this then... like I have no issue if he wanted to come around our family etc. I guess I don't know how to handle this.

You get to have feelings. Don't beat yourself up over them. Just try seeing them in a different, more God centered light and then move on.

This is the first time you were faced with this, nothing before this made you think of your husband's former step children in this light.. so now just give yourself time to adjust to the reality, trying to focus on what's positive..

Then move on. Do life. Love your husband for who he is..

 

[eleos1954]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I just recently married my husband in August and we have just found our first disagreement on family values I guess. I'm wanting others opinions please. From his previous marriage he had a step-son and they are still in touch, he's like close to 20 years old. Well, I have no problem with that nor do I have a problem with him being around us. I have three children from previous relationship. I have not met him yet. Well there was a certain thing going on at our work that we can buy a brick and have it laid on a sidewalk in our employer's garden. I mentioned I wanted to purchase one and have our family's names put on there. He then included his step-son from his previous marriage. I told him I don't feel comfortable with that since he's not "our family". He said he will always be considered his son to him. I just don't agree with that because he has a father who is very much involved and doesn't call my husband Dad or anything. He just asks him for help on things and such. He said he considers him his family still. I then told him I will not tell my children that he is their step brother or that he's his son because it's not true at all. Has anyone of you dealt with this? Am I in the wrong? I don't want to upset my husband but I just don't feel it's right to say he's part of "our family". By the way my husband has 3 sons of his own from a previous marriage. I feel bad but I feel very strong on how I feel as well. Help!

Well .... we are all children of God (saved and unsaved). So because He looks at it that way then I would say so should we. In the end however, many of His children will be lost.

Is it required for those in Chirst to be a "blood relative". No ... and we are thankful for that! We are all a family member of the human race.

 

[mama2one]

just sign the brick
"the Walker family" insert YOUR last name

that's how I see most bricks signed at various places
rarely do they list first names


also, if you put too much on a brick, the names can wear away; noticed that at our zoo this summer

 

[mama2one]

so what did you decide to do?

 

[Beth S.]

so what did you decide to do?

It just says our names and EST: and our wedding date

 

[Avniel]

Even when his marriage failed, the attempt to keep his word to the children, is admirable. Being married to men with high moral standards can be difficult but it’s still a blessing. I can understand the lack of comfort, we are all human, but remember it does take a village so include him in your family even if he’s not blood. My closest brothers and sisters aren’t blood related to me at all.

 

[Deidre32]

It could be jealousy because the situation might make you wonder if he is thinking of his ex wife. It’s natural to have fleeting thoughts so long as they don’t linger. I think it’s great that he still wants a connection with him. But I can see where your angst came in.

 

[Beth S.]

It could be jealousy because the situation might make you wonder if he is thinking of his ex wife. It’s natural to have fleeting thoughts so long as they don’t linger. I think it’s great that he still wants a connection with him. But I can see where your angst came in.

Thanks! I think it is jealousy as well... it's hard for me to accept but I'm trying!

 

[Deidre32]

Thanks! I think it is jealousy as well... it's hard for me to accept but I'm trying!

Jealousy is very closely related to fear. You might be fearful that your husband still loves his ex, or might leave you. Let Jesus help you get through those fears, and you'll be fine.