Need help with unforgiveness.

Angryj

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Emma,

Forgiveness can be hard or it can be very simple and easy. I struggled with this for years until a man I trust gave me some very simple advice. He suggested I start by forgiving myself. It may be so obvious to many Christians, but the concept astounded me. I mean, if one like me who believes I'm the absolute most vile creature on earth can actually ask God to forgive me through Christ and have it literally work, then perhaps you can begin there.

Of course, I'm wrong about most everything, but perhaps just forgiving the man through Christ might be the step to take so the anger within can either be calmed or given the boot.

Then again, perhaps you should wait until a qualified Christian answers your call. You know, someone unlike me who can point you to specific scriptural guidelines.

Peace be to you and your son.
 
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paul1149

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It may help to affirm that the anger itself is appropriate at some level. Jesus himself showed anger when it was called for, and even reacted forcefully to wrong situations.
But when that anger festers it becomes malignant and begins to eat at us. This is the reason for the balance Paul refers to: "Be angry but sin not; let not the sun go down on your anger".

It may help to consider that we are forgiven in Christ, totally wiped clean. So God is by our side helping us to forgive, so long as we acknowledge that we need the help in this area. He is not against you, He is for you. Even when you have difficulty forgiving, you are under grace.

It also may help to hone in on what forgiveness actually is. It does not condone the wrong. It does not demand that we reconcile with the unrepentant. It desires as much reconciliation as possible, but acknowledges that reconciliation sometimes is not possible. In the latter case it "lets go" (the literal meaning of forgiveness) and places the matter in the hands of the Supreme Judge.
 
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Peripatetic

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One thing that helps me to forgive more easily is the desire to have as few enemies as possible. I define an enemy as someone with long-term anger towards me or for whom I have long term anger. There are enough burdens and anxieties in this world... if I can reduce them for me and for others and do God's will, it's a win-win-win. I know it can't always work that way, but I've found that it can be that simple more often than I thought.
 
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tturt

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The process for me didn't happen overnight. Scripture says we have to forgive to be forgiven Matt 6 - and I really want to be forgiven. Initially, I ask Yahweh to help me forgive them and to bless them constantly. Though I admit the first hundred times I really didn't mean it and it felt hypocritical. I understand what you mean by ...not thinking of it much, then when you do... I encourage you to be persistent with the process and let Yahweh remove your inner hurts.

Now when something happens, I try to immediately begin praying and asking for His help to forgive and asking Him to bless them (Matt 5:44). Scripture says I can do all things through Yeshua who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). Not that I'm successful every time. Sometimes now I smile or laugh at the situation or remark. Because of Yahweh, it's not going to be between us.
 
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someguy14

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why is forgiveness so hard? It's easy to forgive those you love, and I guess if you can have compassion for people then you can find forgiveness, but what of people that have really damaged you, wilfully and irrevocably, and not just you but those you love. It is almost 10 years since my son's father chose not to bother being a father, and while I don't think about it much, when I do all my anger is there like a sickness, I mean I feel it like tar in my blood or something. I know it's damaging and I'm sure that it's holding me back. I think when I feel hurt or betrayed by other people it puts me back in touch with those unresolved feelings, and if I could move on from them I'm sure it would free me in a sense. i really don't know how to begin though. It occurred to me actually that I should look over our relationship at the ways in which I didn't do what I should have done either, I know I have taken the moral high ground on it a lot and in truth I have masked my own vices with virtue, saying I stayed in an unhappy relationship in order to try and make it work for the sake of the family etc when it is also true, truer even, to say that I stayed in it out of cowardice. But I resent that he swanned off to a life of his choosing, leaving me and my boy to it, regardless. I resent it even now, after all this time. How can I get this unforgiveness out of my heart? Thanks for listening.

1 Corithians 6:7
Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded?

Laugh at this man made pain, friend. :) We that believe in God have better to look forward to.
 
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briareos

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Friend,

I would begin to meditate on and pray Philippians 4.7 that God would give you peace to guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, a peace that transcends knowledge and understanding.

God can give you a peace that does not come from within but from him that will guard your mind and heart from fear and despair. He can help you let go of the anger and help you forgive. Paul went through terrible things but it was the grace of God that sustained him, not his own ability to obey and follow and succeed, it was grace. God can give you grace and peace to help you forgive, when you never could on your own.
 
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When we have to forgive someone, who has hurt us, we have to make a decision to forgive, and stick with it. Forgiveness is nothing to do with our emotions. We can NOT forget that somebody has hurt us, but, we can choose to forgive, despite of our feelings.

You see, God does not feel good about our sins, but he has decided to forgive us, despite of the fact, that our sins do not make him feel good, and do not please him.

Forgiveness is a decision, just like faith in God is, and it is not based on feelings or how we feel. It is based on our will, and if we are willing to forgive, because we are commanded from God, to forgive others, just as he forgave us.
 
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sparkydave

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Emma, I have been working through this the last year myself. Forgiving those who broke my heart, and forgiving one who did wrong. I renewed my faith last summer and it helped considerably when I read Matthew 5:44. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

It was not easy, but somehow praying for their happiness and that they find love was liberating in some ways. It helped me find peace with myself and to realize that everything happens for a reason, even if we may not understand why. I accepted that we weren't intended to be together, but we were supposed to learn something from each other. I feel that I helped them in some way, and I remembered that when my ex-wife and I split, we told each other that we were both better people for having met each other. Just realizing that helped me find forgiveness for them.

Obviously your situation may be different, but I hope that helps.
 
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Tar in the blood, what a great description.

What helps me, is seeing that the person didn't really have the potential to do what I expected of them. Maybe he did, but from what you say, it sounds like he cared more about himself and self-gratification than the values that you hold. It can be freeing to see yourself as right in a situation, and not hold onto a desire to please them.

The world is full of people with childhood resentments, desire to prove something, chemical dependencies, behavioral disconnectedness, past abuses... some people are just not going to connect well with their children unless they get additional help. It sounds like you would have had a difficult life either way.

So maybe part of forgiveness in this situation is thanking God that the father wasn't a strong influence in your son's life. I know a father who insisted on custody rights, and then taught their kids how to work the systems for government support, lawsuits etc. They ended up bitter and aimless, and still close to the father who teaches them to despise hard work and goals.

Part of the freedom in forgiveness, is not letting thoughts about the person control you. These can really eat away at your peace. Start shutting off these thoughts as detrimental and not worth your time.
 
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Emma1975

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It was not easy, but somehow praying for their happiness and that they find love was liberating in some ways.

Yes, there are times when I am capable of that, and it is a freeing feeling. I'm coming to think that when the worm of resentment that lives in my stomach rears its ugly head i can try to choose to think otherwise, to pray for his happiness and override those ugly thoughts. i think I had been waiting for these feelings to change and missing that forgiveness actually is an act of will, a choice, as a previous member posting pointed out.

we were supposed to learn something from each other.

Yes. Some lessons are hard learned. i am accepting this more and more actually. 'we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us-' Well I'm not quite rejoicing but I am appreciating the benefit of trials, and trusting that ultimately all things are to the good, though it can be hard to remember that when you're hurting. And i do hope he has learned something too, for the benefit of his new wife. (you may detect there is still an edge to my tone of voice there. i'm still workin on it ;) )

I hope that helps.

It really does. Thank you sparkydave :thumbsup:
 
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thesunisout

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Hi Emma,

I know forgiveness is difficult but holding unforgiveness is an extremely serious matter which can destroy your walk with God. First, let me say that forgiving someone is not condoning of what they did to you. The Lord said this:

Hebrews 10:30

For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.

It is not our job to judge anyone, it is Gods, and He said all vengeance and judgement belongs to Him. When we forgive someone we are releasing these things to God and putting it in His hands. We must forgive these debts and show the love of God even to those who wronged us. Jesus demonstrated this on the cross when He told His Father to forgive those who had crucified Him.

Now, it should actually be very easy for you to forgive someone, because the Lord Jesus Christ has forgiven you for your sins. If God can forgive you for your sins, why can't you forgive someone else of theirs? But it goes further than that. If you refuse to forgive someone, you open yourself to demonic oppression. Consider this parable:

Matthew 18:21-35
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.
The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:

Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

This says very plainly that if you refuse to forgive people, God will hand you over to the tormenters to be tortured until you learn to forgive. This means that when you hold that bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart, Satan has a legal right to oppress you. This is something you need to deal with because forgiveness is not optional. We are to forgive everyone their trespasses because our Heavenly Father forgave ours.

Pray to God to open your heart to forgiveness. Pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you in this. I will pray for you too. God bless.

why is forgiveness so hard? It's easy to forgive those you love, and I guess if you can have compassion for people then you can find forgiveness, but what of people that have really damaged you, wilfully and irrevocably, and not just you but those you love. It is almost 10 years since my son's father chose not to bother being a father, and while I don't think about it much, when I do all my anger is there like a sickness, I mean I feel it like tar in my blood or something. I know it's damaging and I'm sure that it's holding me back. I think when I feel hurt or betrayed by other people it puts me back in touch with those unresolved feelings, and if I could move on from them I'm sure it would free me in a sense. i really don't know how to begin though. It occurred to me actually that I should look over our relationship at the ways in which I didn't do what I should have done either, I know I have taken the moral high ground on it a lot and in truth I have masked my own vices with virtue, saying I stayed in an unhappy relationship in order to try and make it work for the sake of the family etc when it is also true, truer even, to say that I stayed in it out of cowardice. But I resent that he swanned off to a life of his choosing, leaving me and my boy to it, regardless. I resent it even now, after all this time. How can I get this unforgiveness out of my heart? Thanks for listening.
 
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DreamerOfHearts

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I get unforgiving a lot, and judgmental, but then remember God is in control of everything and that we all tresspass and it is always best to remember that and try and be non-judgmental. Ultimately, God is behind everything.

I do not like it when fathers leave wives or treat their wives poorly.

In a solid relationship, both spouses tend to have bad times, sometimes really bad times, and they stay together by talking and forgiving and moving on from such things.

If my wife was horrible to me, and I never forgave her, I would be thinking the same thing. But, I can not. And she is and can be. But, I can be too.

So.....

Really, I think that one should just be around and keep friends you really love, and stay away from people you do not. It sounds like you do not love the son's father, so stay away, because with no love there is no forgiveness. With love there is all forgiveness.
 
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