Need help, wife has lost interest.

tgia413

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Any and all suggestions are welcome. I need help healing (and perhaps saving) my marriage. Last week my wife told me she had an affair. A one time incident with a man she knows from out of state. Obviously I was devastated. But the more devastating thing is that in the wake of the incident, she's less interested in saving our marriage than I am. She said that for some time she hasn't viewed me romantically, but more as her best friend. I don't know how to respond to that, because most advice to men in struggling marriages I have found is to more-or-less be a friend to her: do things for her (chores, favors, gifts), without wanting anything in return. But that's a big part of what has gotten me into the situation I am. I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.
The issue is not about physical appearance either. I go to the gym every day and keep myself healthy. I had long-hair, which she didn't like; so I cut it off -- and she liked it less. I'm obviously not without fault. I'm 28, and like many in my generation I have struggled with inappropriate contentography (On and off since age 10). She knew about it from very early in our relationship, and I know that it has contributed to her not wanting to be intimate. Yet, throughout my struggles she has shown me the love of Christ, and a spirit of forgiveness I wouldn't have thought possible. So I'm doing all that I can to return the favor -- but again, by being kind, gentle, and forgiving through this I'm being her friend; someone she can't view as a romantic partner.
We've been married for 5 years, and together for 8. She was my first sexual partner, and I waited until our wedding night. Prior to me she had a few sexual partners - one for several years who was not very good to her.
I mention this because whenever we've had sex, I have been fully satisfied, but she has admitted to being bored and unsatisfied. She gravitates toward fantasies of "bad boys," which could describe all her past partners and the person she most recently got involved with.
Her heart is more kind and loving than anyone I've ever known though, and not only do I fear losing her over this. If our marriage fails, I fear she will run into the arms of an emotionally or even physically abusive new partner. I don't want this for the love of my life. And I am fully committed to the vows I took on my wedding day.
I'm trying every day to give it to God and have faith that He will heal our marriage. I am re-dedicated to giving up inappropriate content once and for all: I'm seeing a counselor, and reading books on the topic. When she first told me of the incident, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor, but is now saying she doesn't want to go.
Any suggestions on what I can do?
 

Endeavourer

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There's a web site that specializes in helping people fight affairs, step by step. It's hosted by a Christian marriage counselor who provides advice and methodologies according to his studies of 10,000's of couples, and which methods worked vs which didn't.

Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums

Trained volunteers who are supervised by the counselor will help you there, for free. I've been observing their work for over a decade, seeing it work for people who follow it, and seeing compounded misery for nearly everyone who doesn't. The advice is hard, but I've seen 100+ marriages survive affairs by following it.
 
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maintenance man

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This sounds like a difficult situation and I pray God will help you find a way to save your marriage.

I have some questions that might help us understand more fully what you're going thorough. Of course, you don't need to answer them if you don't want to.

Do you and your wife go to church?
Can you describe you and your wife's relationship to Christ?
What kind of work does your wife do?
What kind of work do you do?
How did this "one time incident" come about?
 
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tgia413

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This sounds like a difficult situation and I pray God will help you find a way to save your marriage.

I have some questions that might help us understand more fully what you're going thorough. Of course, you don't need to answer them if you don't want to.

Do you and your wife go to church?
Can you describe you and your wife's relationship to Christ?
What kind of work does your wife do?
What kind of work do you do?
How did this "one time incident" come about?

We don't go to church regularly. We did until about 3 years ago. Then I went myself for about 6 months. Then I stopped. I went again this week and plan to continue.
I was raised Catholic, and my faith was more based on praying TO God as opposed to having a relationship WITH Christ. My wife introduced me to the latter philosophy while we were dating and it's helped me have more grace in my life. Her relationship has grown estranged, based (I think) on her own anxieties, particularly her desire and inability to save all the weak and downtrodden she comes across.
My wife works from home, but works nonstop (9am to 9pm).
I'm in graphic design. I started my own business 2 years ago, but took a full time job 6 months ago when that venture failed to pay the bills.
The incident came about because a contractor who works with the same company as my wife was going through a rough time, and my wife invited him to stay in our home.
 
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maintenance man

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I'll assume you had a religious marriage ceremony in which you both made a vow to God.

You have to start there. You both need to be committed to fulfilling that vow.

You said your wife tends to be drawn to "bad boys" and I'd like you to consider what this really means is she likes a man who takes charge.

I do most of the household chores, and the more I try to be caring and attentive, the less she sees me as a romantic partner, and the more she sees me as her friend.

This is admirable and I'm sure appreciated; however, I don't think this is the kind of take charge man that makes her feel like falling into your arms.

I hate to say it, but money may be an issue. Some women feel more secure and romantic when the man is earning most of the income. When money gets tight, some women (and men) feel insecure and uninterested in romance.

My advice is for you to take charge. Not in a demanding way, but in a warm and loving way. Start by guiding the focus of your relationship back to God.

If money is indeed an issue, demonstrate how you intend to take charge of that situation.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think your wife is looking for her husband to take charge.
 
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DZoolander

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I’m curious.

Considering she actually had sex with some other dude, has a history of being attracted to bad boys, has lost interest in you sexually because you’re too nice and too much like a friend, etc...

Are you sure she really has that big of an issue with you viewing inappropriate content? Or is that just you giving yourself a hard time?
 
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PreviouslySeeking...

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I don't want to be crude or hurtful, but it seems like your sex life is unfulfilling for your wife. Have you addressed that? A lot of women have issues with inappropriate content specifically because many men pick up bad sexual habits from inappropriate content that are not physically pleasing to women. When you say she has "bad boy fantasies" - what does that even mean? Do you and your wife discuss sex in an open, non judgemental way? Do you have sexual chemistry?

I know men like to think that women only cheat because some emotional need isn't being met. It sounds like this really might be about, well sex.
 
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ValleyGal

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You said your wife tends to be drawn to "bad boys" and I'd like you to consider what this really means is she likes a man who takes charge.
Coming from an older woman who has always liked or been attracted to, "bad boys," it does not mean (necessarily) someone who "takes charge." For me, the "bad boy" thing was about confidence, lots of testosterone, and bad-boy behaviour like motorbike riding, being the strong, silent type, and letting that masculinity show, being a man's man and having some ooooommmph! And this does not mean just in every-day life; it also means the bedroom as well.

Your wife is the only one who knows why she had an affair, and I think it's only reasonable for you to ask her and hear her response. Don't just hear it, but listen between the lines. She might say something like "I did it because I felt wanted" but that might actually mean "I don't feel like you really want ME, but like anyone would do." She might say "you are more like a friend and I don't see you as romantic" but she might actually mean "I'm just not feeling sexual towards you because your romantic energy is directed at the women in the inappropriate content you watch."

All the research on marriage out there says that successful couples ARE best friends first. The research also says that all couples have 5 - 7 issues that they will never resolve, but stay together because they respectfully navigate through those issues when they arise. The research also says that couples go through phases of less sex/more sex. It could be she just isn't getting as much as she wants at this time. The best thing you can do as her best friend, though, is talk with her about all this - and let her talk to you; listen to her, and listen between the lines. Ask her what she needs from you in order to become that "bad-boy" she's looking for. Remember - best friends talk to each other.
 
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OK Jeff

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I'll assume you had a religious marriage ceremony in which you both made a vow to God.

You have to start there. You both need to be committed to fulfilling that vow.

You said your wife tends to be drawn to "bad boys" and I'd like you to consider what this really means is she likes a man who takes charge.



This is admirable and I'm sure appreciated; however, I don't think this is the kind of take charge man that makes her feel like falling into your arms.

I hate to say it, but money may be an issue. Some women feel more secure and romantic when the man is earning most of the income. When money gets tight, some women (and men) feel insecure and uninterested in romance.

My advice is for you to take charge. Not in a demanding way, but in a warm and loving way. Start by guiding the focus of your relationship back to God.

If money is indeed an issue, demonstrate how you intend to take charge of that situation.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think your wife is looking for her husband to take charge.
You covered pretty well what I was thinking. My wife and I have had our share of struggles, many have been discussed on this website. This is something she told me straight out. Most women (despite what the feminists claim) that women want a man who’s a man. I did not say a chauvinist, but a man. They want to know you’re strong, can provide, know what you want, can provide for and protect her.
 
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Poppyseed78

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I think the wife's cheating is her responsibility. She may have been discontent with the marriage for one reason or another, but she made the choice to be unfaithful, and no one drove her to that.
 
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