need help snapping my husband or if his funk

[worriedmommie]

Hi all, I have been married to my husband now for almost 15 years. We've had our ups and downs but have persevered with our love of God first and our love of each other second. However, as of late my husband has been in a serious funk where he is doubting his worth as both a man and a provider. I have been constantly trying to reassure him that our son and I love him and that he means the world to us but he seem to be sinking deeper and deeper into his self pitty. The bulk of this started when he lost his job at Gander mountain and has escalated due to issues with his sister and her husband.
When I first met my husband he was struggling with alcoholism but thank the great good Lord he over came it and hasn't had a drink in years. Since he sobered up he began going to church, held down a steady job, and became the spiritual leader that he was meant to be. Despite the progress he made as a man and his merits as a father his sister never quite forgave him for his behavior when he was in the grips of alcoholism and seemed to always resent the amount of resources her parents devoted to his recovery. Even nite years later (15 actually) she acts as if he is the same alcoholic he was before his recovery. Her husband is much much worse, he constantly belittles my husband for his lack of college education, his former alcoholism, how he is a "failure of a big brother", and what not. I know that it is just better to ignore bullies but our current circumstances makes that incredibly hard. Right now I am the family breadwinner, my in laws pay our mortgage and car notes, and our special needs son is having a hard time understanding why he cannot go play with his cousin anymore (the daughter of my sister in law). It crushes my husband that he isn't able to provide the life for or son and I that he feels we deserve and it is extra painful that his brother in law and niece are rubbing his nose in it. I really don't know what more to say and do to help him. I am afraid he may turn to drink again.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

cut the sister and brother in law OUT of your life. You don't need that kind of toxic poison around you. There are programs for work retraining that are funded by workforce development grants. Look into those. If I knew what state you were in, I could point you in the right direction.

 

[Sarah G]

That is a very sad tale. Your husband has done a great job of getting sober and becoming a good husband and father. Unemployment is very tough of the self-esteem, for sure. I hope (and pray) that he will find ways, through the Holy Spirit, to understand that his value does not come from his ability to work and provide but through his ability to have faith in God and reflect the love of Lord Jesus Christ to those around him. If he could see this as a test and also as an opportunity to grow spiritually that would help shift his mentality. I think only the mercy of God through the Holy Spirit can bring about such a mental adjustment so I will pray and hope that others pray for you too. It really is best to cut the toxic family members out for as long as necessary. People do change as God often pours similar circumstances onto those that point fingers so maybe in the future they will feel sorry for the way they have acted and there will be a forgiving reconciliation. Right now though, they are very damaging and it is unfair to them to allow them to commit sin by behaving in such a cruel way. May God bless you and your family.

 

[worriedmommie]

cut the sister and brother in law OUT of your life. You don't need that kind of toxic poison around you. There are programs for work retraining that are funded by workforce development grants. Look into those. If I knew what state you were in, I could point you in the right direction.

That is exactly what we did recently. In the past we tolerated a lot of their negativity because it seemed like our son, who is on the autism spectrum, had a really good relationship with his cousin, their daughter. She seemed like a nice girl and that friendship was very good for our son. However, recently something happened where the cousin and the uncle instructed or son to do a box swap return to Walmart so we are no longer comfortable allowing our son to see his cousin or her family. The severing of this bond had been very hard on our son and you we can see that it is really hurting him, seeing him hurt like this seems to be a tipping point for my husband.
He had always freted over the fact that he is unable to provide the same type of life to or son and I that his brother in law provides to his sister and their daughter. Now seeing our son hurt like this seems to be a little too much for him.
To be honest, we are not perfect people either. I know that part of our problem is our own envy and jelousy. But it is just so hard to quash those feelings even when we try to give them over to God. I know that my husband's sister resents the fact that he parents give us hand outs. But she fails to see how even with the assistance we receive we don't live near as comfortably as they do. For us it is a constant struggle to keep some what decent food on the table, she on the other hand constantly brags on Facebook and her food blog about the fresh organic meals that her husband and her make almost nightly. She also likes to rub my nose in the fact that they have a lot of extras that they could help us with but they simply won't. Like one time she made a post about how she really liked Dave's killer bead because of how natural it was, but because of its lack of preservatives it doesn't last as long so they can at best only eat half the loaf. I commented that it would be really appreciated if she could let us take half the loaf off her hands and she shot back with how her husband already gives it to the day laborers he hires to do construction work. She likes to make it a point that they value those people as laborers they value us as family.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Block them on facebook and all other social media. When you cut someone out of your life, you cut them out completely. We've done that with certain toxic family members. They are completely cut out. No social media, no email, nothing. They don't even know where we live.

I can see being jealous/envious...we always seem to want what others have that we don't. BUT...remember, God doesn't promise us luxury, He promises to meet our daily needs. The "organic" food is not necessary...I'm world class cheap and we eat well. Stop comparing yourself to someone else. Have your husband look into vocational training/retraining. Again, that sort of thing is usually free because of grants from the federal government. The classes offered (at least here where I live), and the certifications open doors to much better paying, professional jobs. I taught at one of the vocational schools and the guys who finished the program were getting jobs starting at about 40K, more if they had any experience at all.

 

[worriedmommie]

Block them on facebook and all other social media. When you cut someone out of your life, you cut them out completely. We've done that with certain toxic family members. They are completely cut out. No social media, no email, nothing. They don't even know where we live.

I can see being jealous/envious...we always seem to want what others have that we don't. BUT...remember, God doesn't promise us luxury, He promises to meet our daily needs. The "organic" food is not necessary...I'm world class cheap and we eat well. Stop comparing yourself to someone else. Have your husband look into vocational training/retraining. Again, that sort of thing is usually free because of grants from the federal government. The classes offered (at least here where I live), and the certifications open doors to much better paying, professional jobs. I taught at one of the vocational schools and the guys who finished the program were getting jobs starting at about 40K, more if they had any experience at all.

He is looking into HVAC training. I know we shouldn't envy them but it is just so hard some times especially knowing that they have what they have as a result of how shady the husband is. I know it sounds horrible but some times I feel it is people like them who cause people like my husband to be unable to get a fair shake in life. An example; my husband's brother in law is some type of executive in a construction company so he has money to burn. Yet he still does things like take little side projects as a general contractor. He gets away with it because his company doesn't do residential work so they don't care. He usually gets those jobs under the table people who his company does commercial work for. So anyways he would round up crews of day laborers to do this work for him, paying them 50 dollars a day (well under minimum wage) there by making a huge profit. When my husband first lost his job we humbled ourselves to him and asked if he would consider hiring my husband as a hand on some of these side jobs (due to a couple mistakes in the past my husband is not eligible for hire at the construction company his brother in law works at), we just asked if he could pay a fair wage and his response was to laugh. He said flat out no, despite the fact that he was making thousands on these side gigs he was completely unwilling pay an American, a family member no less a fair wage yet he would hire a crew of undocumented day laborers and provide them with lunches, beer and bonuses at the end of each job.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

there's an easy solution to your BIL's stuff. What he is doing is illegal. Drop a dime on the Department of Labor and report him. When he loses everything and ends up in a federal prison...well...bet their high horse will keel over and die. I owned an engineering company and the penalties for doing what he's doing are pretty steep.

Last but not least, STOP being jealous. Just STOP. You know he's up to dirty tricks and yes, it will come out. Being jealous isn't helping you and it sure isn't helping your husband, especially if he knows you're jealous of what they have. He's seeing this as you want what they have and he is unable to provide that and by your jealousy you are making him feel less than a man.

Let me clue you in on a couple of things...I've owned an engineering company, sold it and made bank. I've always had pretty high paying jobs. My husband hasn't. I have NEVER EVER JUST ONCE made any mention of the pay disparity. Why? Because that is literally calling his manhood into question. You being eaten up with jealousy over the BIL is cutting your husband off at the knees and making him feel less than a man. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Stop wanting what others have and be thankful to God for what you have. Your jealousy and envy is telling God that you don't think He's doing a good enough job taking care of you and your family. Maybe God is telling you that YOU need to back off and be thankful for what you have without comparing yourself to someone else.

 

[Sarah G]

Drop a dime on the Department of Labor and report him. When he loses everything and ends up in a federal prison...well...bet their high horse will keel over and die.

This is not a way to love one's neighbour or do unto another as we would have done unto us. This sort of behaviour is extremely damaging especially in a family. I'm sorry RedPony but your post above is just ice cold. @worriedmommie made herself vulnerable revealing that there could be some element of envy (understandable) and I feel that your comments are a little on the harsh side to be honest. I don't think she was saying that she is 'eaten up with jealousy'.

 

[worriedmommie]

there's an easy solution to your BIL's stuff. What he is doing is illegal. Drop a dime on the Department of Labor and report him. When he loses everything and ends up in a federal prison...well...bet their high horse will keel over and die. I owned an engineering company and the penalties for doing what he's doing are pretty steep.

This is kind of how the bullying started. Years ago my husband confronted his brother in law about the dishonest nature of what he was doing. He refused to listen so my husband confronted him again with my father in law but that still did no good. We did report him to Texas work force commission and the department of labor but his best buddy is an attorney and helped him wriggle out of it. His defense was they were all private contractors.what you say is what would happen in a perfect and just world, unfortunately in this world justice can be bought and sold. I cannot wait until the coming of the Jesus's kingdom. Every day I am working on my issues of envy but it is still very hard. Especially when our son who is autistic constantly asks why his cousin's house is much more fun than ours .

 

[worriedmommie]

This is not a way to love one's neighbour or do unto another as we would have done unto us. This sort of behaviour is extremely damaging especially in a family. I'm sorry RedPony but your post above is just ice cold. @worriedmommie made herself vulnerable revealing that there could be some element of envy (understandable) and I feel that your comments are a little on the harsh side to be honest. I don't think she was saying that she is 'eaten up with jealousy'.

I will admit that we had already "dropped a dime on them" years ago. But I want to be clear that it was not out of envy but at the time we honestly thought it was the right thing to do. Before we went to law enforcement we tried talking to him about the harm what he does causes, that didn't work. Then we tried approaching him father in law, to try to sway his wife that didn't work either. We only went to Texas work force, the department of labor and immigration when he refused to listen to us. Shockingly going to law enforcement backfired too, since his buddy is a lawyer he was able to wriggle out of the situation and continue his behavior. All going to law enforcement did was cause him to act with increased cruelty towards my husband and I. That is when the taunting about being a failure and less of a man really begin in ernest. It became almost impossible for there to be family gatherings with the entire family after that point. We would have cut them out of our lives at that point but by then our son was 7 and very close to his cousin who was 9. We thought we all had an unspoken agreement that the animosity between the adults shouldn't affect the children's relationships; and for the most part he kept his negativity towards us away from the kids, so we put up with his behaviour for the sake of our son.

 

[Sarah G]

I will admit that we had already "dropped a dime on them" years ago. But I want to be clear that it was not out of envy but at the time we honestly thought it was the right thing to do. Before we went to law enforcement we tried talking to him about the harm what he does causes, that didn't work. Then we tried approaching him father in law, to try to sway his wife that didn't work either. We only went to Texas work force, the department of labor and immigration when he refused to listen to us. Shockingly going to law enforcement backfired too, since his buddy is a lawyer he was able to wriggle out of the situation and continue his behavior. All going to law enforcement did was cause him to act with increased cruelty towards my husband and I. That is when the taunting about being a failure and less of a man really begin in ernest. It became almost impossible for there to be family gatherings with the entire family after that point. We would have cut them out of our lives at that point but by then our son was 7 and very close to his cousin who was 9. We thought we all had an unspoken agreement that the animosity between the adults shouldn't affect the children's relationships; and for the most part he kept his negativity towards us away from the kids, so we put up with his behaviour for the sake of our son.

Wow. I'm surprised they ever spoke to any of you ever again. They are forgiving people. I would have cut you out of my life as much as possible if you had betrayed me like that.

I apologise @RedPonyDriver . I am sorry I spoke harshly about your post and opinion. Things must be different in the United States of America.

 

[worriedmommie]

Wow. I'm surprised they ever spoke to any of you ever again. They are forgiving people. I would have cut you out of my life as much as possible if you had betrayed me like that.

I apologise @RedPonyDriver . I am sorry I spoke harshly about your post and opinion. Things must be different in the United States of America.

Things are very different here. When you pay some one 50 dollars a day for 12 hours of work, that is all kinds of wrong. It is called exploitation. This isn't legal here, it exploits the workers and it depresses wages. Believe me, we tried to reason with them before going to law enforcement. It is hardly a betrayal when we told them what you are doing is both immoral and illegal, we will be forced to do the right thing and report on you if you do not stop. His reply was to make is day. Also they weren't forgiving people, they didn't cut us out of their lives but they constantly rubbed our noses in the fact that they were making money hand over fist, doing the wrong thing and there was nothing we could do. Also our children were very close and at the time I assumed we were all just not letting the adult issues affect the kids.