need help or advise of winning the heart and trust back from my wife.

[hope4today]

"Apureheart" has given you some excellent, excellent advise in his post. I encourage you to read it well.

I suggest that you focus your heart on God and allowing him to change you into the image of his Son, Jesus. If you are changing to try and win back your wife then I would be concerned about the motive and longevity of that. Lists are hard to maintain.

As a christian, focus on Jesus and your relationship with him. Desire to be like him out of love for him, not as a means to an end with your wife. I'm not saying the desire to reconcile is wrong, it's not. It's a good thing!! But it's important to keep first things first. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. As you first do this, God will show you how to love your wife and your children better without any demands on them. You will be able accept responisibility for your sin and leave your wife in God's hands. If reconciliation occurs as a result it will be an added blessing but not the determiner of joy, peace and grace in your life. That will be centred in Jesus.

My ex husband shows no desire to reconcile however if he did I would not be interested in whether he could tick off a list of boxes of actions and things to do to win me back. I would only be attracted again by a truly repentant heart and a man who's heart is after God. A list of things to do to win my love would fade over time. The actions will come as a result of the heart change. A loving, repentant heart that wants to grow in Christ would be what would enable us to reconcile. I assume the need for the same kind of heart in myself too.

Do you know a good Christian counsellor who could help you work through the issues in your life under the leading of the Spirit of God? That could be very helpful for you. I would recommend finding someone who is well trained in helping people and mature in God.

I pray you will continue to grow in Christ. May you be filled with his wisdom, grace and peace.

Bless you heaps


Hope

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

PATIENCE is the word that I would have used, and i was pleased to see others mentioned that here already, so i just wanted to reinforce it's importance. Learn patience towards your wife, patience in understanding her, respecting her feelings, waiting for her, listening to her...be patient. In other words, go at HER speed not yours, in EVERY area of your relationship.
Also when you do get the chance to be around her, make it about her and not about what you want. If it works out you will get what you want anyway, but you need to focus on her to get to that point, then you both win.
Only show her kindness, no matter what...leave groceries for her to come home to without saying anything, give her money, time, space... Show her that it's no longer all about you.

 

[annrobert]

You admit to being a controling man. When you are seperated from your wife you become a christian. Why should she trust you?

For where a man's heart is there is his treasure. Sounds like your wife has not been a treasure to you for a very long time.

You end your first post with these words, "...how can I change what her heart feels and build back our trust in each other?" That sure does not convince me that you have got past control or that you have even fully come to grip with how badly you have hurt your wife. I would have been more comfortable if you had asked, "How can I change my heart and build back her trust in me?"

True repentance makes no demands. It accepts responsibility for its actions and asks for forgiveness. Whether forgiven or not the truly repenent stops its wrong against the other.

How long do you think you should have to wait to be forgiven? I know a man who cheated on his wife. He repented. For years whenever they got into a big argument that was brought up. Not one time did he defend himself. Every time he admitted his wrong and apologized for hurting her. About ten years later he was working on a project with a co-worker and to finish it on time it became necessary that they meet somewhere. Of course the co-worker was an attractive female. His wife suggested they finish at home. He asked if she was sure that would be okay and she told him yes that she trusted him.

Repentance does not demand forgiveness nor does it have a timetable. Your wife has no earthly reason to forgive you. If she comes to a place of forgiveness it will be a work of GOD not you. How long her healing takes depends on how badly she was injured. Watch the calender not a stopwatch.

And when you are faced with your sin against her don't try to explain it away, excuse it, or whitewash it. All that does is re-open the wound. When you come to the place of anguish over what you have done instead of anger over what she is or is not doing you will then be in a place where she may be able to include you in her healing.

As a new christian I would suggest for now setting aside all the books with advice on how to get what you want and focus on the Gospels. Read about the life of Jesus. Study His life. See how love lives and acts. Watch how it protects and lays down its life.

amen


You have received much excellent advice here


Nothing is impossible with God

I pray and hope that God grant both of you full healing in your hearts and minds and spirits and also in your marriage as you seek Him daily.

God loves to heal and restore people

He loves you both deeply.

 

[Texan40]

While I do not have anger issues my selfish behavior has also distanced my wife and made her distrust my love and marital commitment. I am in the same boat as I would do anything to rebuild my family but I must realize that first I must enlist the guidance of the Holy Spirit to rejuvenate and rebuild my spirit. All the good intentions in the world will do my family no good if I am not present both mentally, physically, and spiritually in our relationships. Beating yourself up and focusing on the negative aspects of your person are not the answer... we need a true change of heart. I have blamed myself for years and it has only made my spirit weaker. I am struggling and will continue to as well. Keep praying and keep focusing on the love God intends you to feel for your wife and family.

 

[LST 1154]

EXCELLENT ADVICE ABOVE, JUST EXCELLENT. Probably NOT what you wanted to hear however. It seems in today's society we want instant everything. Our televisions and radios are instant on. Our cameras now show us the image instantly. Microwave ovens take 3 minutes to cook something that used to take an hour to cook. And of course we want instant "fixes" for our marital problems that took years to build. Think of your marital problems as bricks in a wall. Each time you did something stupid to your wife she laid another brick on her wall. Eventually the wall separated the two of you, and now your are hoping that God will take a wrecking ball to it and knock it down. He won't. It is better to remove the bricks one at a time, just like having multiple scabs from a car wreck, it is best to pick them off one at a time and do it slowly.

Ben

 

[bliz]

romanseight2005 i was wondering i know i shouldnt go out an buy this book for her but maybe a friend or ours could do you think it will help her understand what she is going through by reading this book. i just finished hope for the seperated by chapman it was a excelent book i must say.

You did say to were controlling, didn't you?

Do not, I repeat, do not buy her any books on any topic!!!