Need help as an ex-Cheater

[JackP]

Hello and thank everyone for any input they may give. I'm a married man of many years. Here is what's going on.

I’m going to keep the cheating details brief but elaborate on other information.

I had been cheating on my wife for a few years in the beginning of my marriage, then with one woman later in the years, then another woman that I worked with a few years ago that turned into a one-time kissing but no sex emotional affair. The affair lasted for just weeks, about a month, then after a hiatus of about 6 months of no talking to each other, we started talking again for about a month and a half. Needless to say, I did have an emotional attachment to this latest person, but I know for a fact that I didn’t love her. It was lust with a personality attachment. Please note again that for brevity, I am leaving out most of the sordid details.


Here’s where I’m at today, at this moment… At this very second. My mind is a mass of confusion. My wife is just about ready to bail the marriage, and I can’t say at all that I blame her. Period. I have been a liar on the details of the one-night stand and the details of the emotional affair. Many of the details of the emotional affair were told to my wife over a period of a couple of Years! You read that right… Not days, but years. No one can stand up to that type of emotional abuse, but to God’s grace, she is still here, though she is on a very, VERY thin sheet of ice concerning our marriage. I haven’t cheated since and I never will again. I am saved by Christ and there is a definite change in my heart toward the things of God.


What I would like help with is me. How do I get rid of myself and get with the program as a Godly husband and completely eradicate the self-righteous and self-absorbed Pharisee that I am? Back then I was COMPLETELY self-centered and my wife’s destroyed mind, heart and soul is proof. I desperately need help with my heart of steel. Jesus has been softening my heart for quite a few months now, but I am looking at complete eradication of ‘myself’. A lot of the time, instead of seeing my wife as the destroyed soul that she is, I counter her conversation of the details with what I consider ‘facts’ as I saw them.

Understandably the details are brief but if anyone wants a fill-in, please feel free to ask. Thanks again.

 

[Endeavourer]

Are you Lynnjo's husband?

 

[Endeavourer]

You made a horrible mistake in stringing out the details over years. As you found trickle truth is extremely hard on the betrayed spouse.

Immediately and without erasing anything, give your wife your phone and the password. Let her verify with her own eyes what's on it, what's in your picture folder, etc. Let her take it to another room and spend however many hours she wants to on it.

Then, sit down with your wife and tell her EVERYTHING she wants to know about any part of this. Be 100% truthful to every question she asks. Do not hold anything back. Do not try to polish any part of this turd with your answers.

Then, agree to take a polygraph so she can feel more confident that she has the truth. Ask her to PM me for specifics on that.

When she has the full truth, she has the right to decide whether she wants to try one more time or bail.

In the meantime, give her all of your passwords to your email accounts, phone, social media accounts, everything. If you used your smart phone to conduct any of these affairs, get a flip phone and give up your smart phone. These measures are so she can watch you actions and not be torturing herself with fear that you might be offending again.

Can you do this?

 

[JackP]

I actually did tell her everything and she already has access to my phone and such. I'm completely open to a polygraph. Thank you very much for your time in this. I appreciate it.

 

[JackP]

Are you Lynnjo's husband?

Yes I am.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Christian counseling with a good pastor or Elder recommended. Many will counsel even if you do not attend their Church. My wife set us up for this type of counseling approximately 12 years ago with a church we did not attend. I was running amok drinking too much. That Elder counselor we had was a true man of God and in no time at all our marriage was on Solid Ground. But, it takes two willing partners.

Forget about forgiving yourself I don't find that in the Bible.

Repent and tell yourself you would not do that again for $1000000 even if you knew you would not get caught.

You have let your wife and your God down. It is okay to remember that as we constantly humble ourselves.

The Bible tells us to examine ourselves and finish the good race. We have the Holy Spirit and a healthy conscience and we know what that means.

M-Bob

 

[Endeavourer]

Here is a checklist for how marriages can recover from an affair. Which of these actions have you done?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship where the wording is approved by the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse should put it in the post office slot.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary in order to never see the OP again.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

 

[Endeavourer]

Where do these women that you have had affairs with live? Are they local?

 

[thecolorsblend]

With respect and sensitivity, your wife has a right to know what you have done. Being honest and forthright may very well cost you your marriage. But healing is out of the question until she knows as much truth as she can bear to hear.

Only you two know if restoration is even possible. And even if it is, you may buy it at a great (and terrible) price.

Either way, it’s the weekend now and you owe her the truth. Admit the truth, own your mistakes, make a heartfelt apology, repent of your cheating ways and allow her to make her decision.

I wish both of you the best of luck.

 

[Endeavourer]

I actually did tell her everything and she already has access to my phone and such. I'm completely open to a polygraph. Thank you very much for your time in this. I appreciate it.

You are welcome. I applaud you for stepping up to alleviate some of the heavy lifting your wife will need to do in order to consider her future with you.

Does that mean you handed your phone over to her, for her to explore with the leisure of as much time as she needs? "Has access" could be a bit weaselly.

Please consider this information from one of the nation's best Christian marriage psychologists who has studied affairs and how marriages have most successfully recovered from them:

"The question I am most frequently asked is "how can I survive my spouse's affair?" After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once."
​

Right now your wife is in the midst of the worst pain you could have inflicted upon her. Please bear that in mind and go the extra mile for whatever she needs right now. You have a huge task ahead to win her back.

However, give her space to decide what she wants to do before you put any pressure on her to win her back. You may not be a safe husband for her, and that will be a decision she has to make. Do not try to influence that with a pursuing act at this time. Go the extra mile, get her everything she needs, be kind and bring her coffee from Starbucks, etc etc, but do not put pressure or guilt on her to keep the marriage. Give her the breath she needs to consider that, without pressure.

 

[BrotherD]

Stay in the Lord's word, pray together, spend time together and get to really know her again. You will have to build trust, but anything is possible with Christ. The key is the Lord. I hope you all can get through this. Stay strong, better days are ahead .

 

[JackP]

Here is a checklist for how marriages can recover from an affair. Which of these actions have you done?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship where the wording is approved by the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse should put it in the post office slot.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary in order to never see the OP again.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you for the checklist. Most of the list is already done. I haven't spoken or typed a single word to the other person since I left my job.

 

[Endeavourer]

A lot of the time, instead of seeing my wife as the destroyed soul that she is, I counter her conversation of the details with what I consider ‘facts’ as I saw them.

Is this still happening? This is incredibly disrespectful and needs to stop yesterday if it is still happening.

Please read this link:
Love Busters - Disrespectful Judgments (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Your wife doesn't need to be told that your 'facts' trump her feelings. Her feelings are God given protections and she should listen to them. For you to suggest to her that your perspective is more factual or logical than hers is abusive.

Has this behavior stopped entirely?

 

[Endeavourer]

Thank you for the checklist. Most of the list is already done. I haven't spoken or typed a single word to the other person since I left my job.

You are welcome.

Is it possible for you to encounter that person again? If so, you may need to move to another state in order for your wife to feel 100% confident that your jaunts to the grocery store aren't actually connections with the affair partner.

Unfortunately, your ONS add another dimension to this. You were actively seeking out these encounters. So now she would reasonably be triggered and fearful that your quick trips to the grocery store are actually for some Craigslist or Tindr sleezy hookup. This is why it may not be possible for you to use a smart phone again. Perhaps not even a phone at all. This is all up to your wife on what would help her feel safe, and not triggered with terror every time you are apart from her.

If she is triggered, she is not healing. It is your job to modify your life so she is not triggered. At this moment in her (non)recovery, every trigger will set her back to the first square - or even worse.

 

[Endeavourer]

Thank you for the checklist. Most of the list is already done. I haven't spoken or typed a single word to the other person since I left my job.

Which lines on the checklist are not done?

 

[JackP]

Is this still happening? This is incredibly disrespectful and needs to stop yesterday if it is still happening.

Please read this link:
Love Busters - Disrespectful Judgments (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Your wife doesn't need to be told that your 'facts' trump her feelings. Her feelings are God given protections and she should listen to them. For you to suggest to her that your perspective is more factual or logical than hers is abusive.

Has this behavior stopped entirely?

I get it now and I am desperately trying to stop it. Some of what she says really isnt true of the facts but I get what you are saying. It's just very heard to keep my trap shut when I know that what she is saying and what I felt or did are not the facts. But anyway I see what you are saying and I will stop that behavior immediately.

 

[JackP]

Which lines on the checklist are not done?

Writing a letter but the relationship ended over a year ago with no communication whatsoever. I have absolutely NO desire to see that woman again. She is not in out local area.

 

[Silverback]

Hello and thank everyone for any input they may give. I'm a married man of many years. Here is what's going on.

I’m going to keep the cheating details brief but elaborate on other information.

I had been cheating on my wife for a few years in the beginning of my marriage, then with one woman later in the years, then another woman that I worked with a few years ago that turned into a one-time kissing but no sex emotional affair. The affair lasted for just weeks, about a month, then after a hiatus of about 6 months of no talking to each other, we started talking again for about a month and a half. Needless to say, I did have an emotional attachment to this latest person, but I know for a fact that I didn’t love her. It was lust with a personality attachment. Please note again that for brevity, I am leaving out most of the sordid details.


Here’s where I’m at today, at this moment… At this very second. My mind is a mass of confusion. My wife is just about ready to bail the marriage, and I can’t say at all that I blame her. Period. I have been a liar on the details of the one-night stand and the details of the emotional affair. Many of the details of the emotional affair were told to my wife over a period of a couple of Years! You read that right… Not days, but years. No one can stand up to that type of emotional abuse, but to God’s grace, she is still here, though she is on a very, VERY thin sheet of ice concerning our marriage. I haven’t cheated since and I never will again. I am saved by Christ and there is a definite change in my heart toward the things of God.


What I would like help with is me. How do I get rid of myself and get with the program as a Godly husband and completely eradicate the self-righteous and self-absorbed Pharisee that I am? Back then I was COMPLETELY self-centered and my wife’s destroyed mind, heart and soul is proof. I desperately need help with my heart of steel. Jesus has been softening my heart for quite a few months now, but I am looking at complete eradication of ‘myself’. A lot of the time, instead of seeing my wife as the destroyed soul that she is, I counter her conversation of the details with what I consider ‘facts’ as I saw them.

Understandably the details are brief but if anyone wants a fill-in, please feel free to ask. Thanks again.

My marriage has been through infidelity, both of us have cheated.

First of all, do you both want to continue your marriage, for today at 6:55PM?

If you do then This is what has to happen.

This is simply my view on the issue, you are welcome to use it, or, not use it.

You have to own what you have done, and you must realize that your wife has absolutely no responsibility for the situation you are in. Nothing she did, or, failed to do justified your infidelity, even if she cheated on you.

You may have valid issues with her that need to be addressed, but those are not an excuse.

If she wants to tell you what your actions have done to her, well, you have to humbly take it, as a man would.

You will also have to live your life as an open book, for as long as she feels it is necessary for her to trust you enough to be off the leash.

She also has to be willing to forgive you, but, this may take a while, and will depend on your actions.

Neither of you have the right in any way to abuse the other during this difficult time.

Your wife does not have the right to take a reprisal against you.

Try to keep it civil, and not yell at each other.

There is always counseling, and the option of a separation for a while...these may help.

Sometimes it takes many years to get past this, and in many cases marriages even if the decision is to stay together never fully recover, but most can get to where you can trust the person ENOUGH, that you can still enjoy life together.

You must pray, if possible with her, read the bible together, go to church together.

You are in this together, and can make it if you CHOOSE to, and are committed.

God bless you, and your wife.

BTW, break off all contact with these ladies, and have no future contact with them.

 

[Endeavourer]

I know that what she is saying and what I felt or did are not the facts.

So telling a person what that person felt without them having expressly said so is also disrespectful. However, she is not in a good place right now do not try to correct her on this. I only point that out so you can be sure not to do this back to her.

If her facts about what you did are incorrect, take notes during the conversation of which facts are wrong and then circle back later with a correction if setting the record straight on what you did would be upsetting at that moment. Do not fight with your wife right now over anything, at any costs. Fighting destroys love and it destroys marriages. You don't need to bash any slivers that are left right now with a fight for any reason.

 

[JackP]

So telling a person what that person felt without them having expressly said so is also disrespectful. However, she is not in a good place right now do not try to correct her on this. I only point that out so you can be sure not to do this back to her.

If her facts about what you did are incorrect, take notes during the conversation of which facts are wrong and then circle back later with a correction if setting the record straight on what you did would be upsetting at that moment. Do not fight with your wife right now over anything, at any costs. Fighting destroys love and it destroys marriages. You don't need to bash any slivers that are left right now with a fight for any reason.

Ok will do. That makes sense and I never thought of it. She's not here now for a day or however long so that will have to wait until she comes back (If she even does). THank you for your time on this