Hi, I'm new to this place and I came looking for some guidance, and a place to vent out my grief , I am not affiliated with any denomination, I'm just a guy from new york who wants to know Jesus but I feel cold.. Please someone help me. I have been neck deep in a bad addiction of lust and sexual immorality of all types. And one night when I've seen multiple videos about Jesus coming soon, I've had enough and wanting to be free from this bondage and cried out to Jesus to save me, to help me and to guide me through a different direction, to be my Lord and Savior. This was in October of 2023. It's September of 2024 and it feels like I got nowhere at all. I'm still stuck doing the same stupid things over and over and over again. Repeatedly I've asked the Lord to renew my mind and heart, to cleanse my heart of this filth as well as other sins of pride and arrogance, of ego and laziness and slothfulness. But I feel falling to the same vices and temptations as if I didn't learn anything. My heart feels cold and I dont feel the Holy Spirit due to being such neck deep in porn addiction even when I constantly try to repent away but I keep falling. I keep failing and I keep grieving the Holy Spirit. Has the Lord left me to a reprobate mind. Am I hopeless....i hate myself and my sin. ..Jesus have mercy..i. feel like a false convert. A liar that sheds crocodile tears every week wondering when this will end and if the Lord even hears me anymore, I know I wouldn't with how many times I've said I wanted to stop this and will focus more on Him only to get lazy again, and again, and keep falling again, and again, and again..
I dont want to be seperated from Jesus but I am having such a hard time dropping and letting go of this porn addiction. As well as the guilt from my past when I did so many attrocious, disgusting things that'd get me locked up for that no one will forgive (mans perspective anyway), . I am so lost and I want to change...am I just a doomed liar..I really am scared and about to cry once again today from just the mere thoughts of hearing Depart from me, I never knew you, you worker of iniquity", that I was never His, that I was never in his flock and only meant to be burned because I couldn't surrender my whole heart to Him. I don't understand why I can't just obey, why I can't just follow Him and focus on Him. What does it really mean to have faith and believe in Him, to Trust him with my everything. Do I have to die to show it in the great tribulation, I don't know anything..I just wanna be with Jesus and I really am in such depression and grief over my own failures and iniquity that I wonder if I was ever truly saved to begin with, that I was just never His. Or maybe I was left to a reprobate mind that's stuck on sin and death. I don't know..I want to know..I want to be free in Christ and to follow Him and be with Him forever, to be born again and into God's family forever. I don't wanna lose salvation, if that's even possible, I want Him. Please, what do I do..
I dont want to be seperated from Jesus but I am having such a hard time dropping and letting go of this porn addiction. As well as the guilt from my past when I did so many attrocious, disgusting things that'd get me locked up for that no one will forgive (mans perspective anyway), . I am so lost and I want to change...am I just a doomed liar..I really am scared and about to cry once again today from just the mere thoughts of hearing Depart from me, I never knew you, you worker of iniquity", that I was never His, that I was never in his flock and only meant to be burned because I couldn't surrender my whole heart to Him. I don't understand why I can't just obey, why I can't just follow Him and focus on Him. What does it really mean to have faith and believe in Him, to Trust him with my everything. Do I have to die to show it in the great tribulation, I don't know anything..I just wanna be with Jesus and I really am in such depression and grief over my own failures and iniquity that I wonder if I was ever truly saved to begin with, that I was just never His. Or maybe I was left to a reprobate mind that's stuck on sin and death. I don't know..I want to know..I want to be free in Christ and to follow Him and be with Him forever, to be born again and into God's family forever. I don't wanna lose salvation, if that's even possible, I want Him. Please, what do I do..